Hot, Sexy, Sexual Resumes! Get Yours Before They Melt!

[Debater Slayer]

RESUME OF SUNSTONE

JOB OBJECTIVE: American sage seeking and chasing the wise company of cougars on the mountains of Colorado. Experienced nudist, accomplished mental undresser, lapsed blogger, and veteran forumite who is looking to end his long-time celibacy.

QUALIFICATIONS: Over 30 years' worth of one-night stands with latex love dolls, hanging out with bears at nudist resorts, masturbating on Sunday mornings, and having sex in the bushes, in addition to carpal tunnel syndrome and tennis elbow on his left hand.

WORK HISTORY:

Senior Naked Projectionist at the Colorado Sanctuary for the Celibate — Fired on the spot after mixing up the recordings he was supposed to play on the canvas and playing a documentary about the reproductive behavior of mountain bears by mistake.

Chief Warden at the Elizabeth Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane — Achieved some success overseeing villains and teaching them how to masturbate at the solitary confinement unit. Formed a strong relationship with Harley Quinn but got fired after their tragic sexual encounter that saw her turn lesbian and made the Joker suicidal when he found out about it.

EDUCATION: PhD in Freudian Psychology with a focus on Freudian Slips from Colorado University, Faculty of Hypersexuality and Coitus Interruptus.

REFERENCES:

Animal Planet (producer of the documentary that resulted in his firing as Senior Naked Projectionist)

Killer Croc (supervillain whom he taught how to masturbate while serving as Chief Warden at Arkham Asylum)

 

[Sunstone]

RESUME OF METHYLATEDGHOSTS

JOB OBJECTIVE: Sexy gentleman unleashed upon the world from his home in New Zealand seeks adventuresome couples who have sophisticated sexual tastes that range from a vanilla fondness for straightforward threesomes all the way through to the creatively combined use of thorny rose bushes, household electrical current, and the occasional passing midget. Sustained consciousness optional.

QUALIFICATIONS: The applicant is an exceptionally considerate, but decisively energetic, lover widely known and appreciated in certain law enforcement circles for his inventive interpretations of the last remaining vice laws of New Zealand.

WORK HISTORY:

Field Activist, Kiwi Socialist People's Pressure Group: Demonstrated outstanding leadership by politically organizing twelve brothels, two massage parlors, and a terry-cloth towel dealership within a single seven month period. Built upon his initial success with the brothels, parlors, and dealership by unionizing the choir girls of eighteen churches, all of whom later became his mistresses. Successfully persevered through 187 battles with various and sundry STDs that year.

Machine Operator, Churklesmith Violin and Earplug Company: Achieved remarkable success exceeding his daily production quota of earplugs by well lubricating his machine with certain of his own bodily fluids. Dismissed from employment upon the discovery of precisely which bodily fluid he was using.

EDUCATION:

Graduated Whippletouzer Academy for the Sexually Insane.

REFERENCES:

Major General Axel Pertanmeyer, New Zealand Reform School for Lost and Wayward Choir Girls.

Any one of the 36 Ladies and Gentlemen of that Spanish tour group he sexually hijacked.

The domestic animals of Christchurch.

 

[Wherenextcolumbus]

This is so funny

 

[lewisnotmiller]

I have to admit l underestimated the warped state of your mind, Sunny. You sure celibacy is healthy?

 

[Sunstone]

This is so funny

Funny? Funny? I am immediately compelled to remind you, good woman, that those are serious, entirely factual, and very dignified resumes you refer to!

Make no mistake -- I say, make no mistake! -- each resume has been created by an individual effort of loving craftsmanship. Each resume could hang on the walls of a fine art museum and not be deemed too out of place.

Why you should think that reading those resumes is an adventure and a privilege! -- a privilege perhaps as great as being selected by space aliens for the rare old bracing anal probe. Those resumes are destined to be printed out on hard copy and shipped to our world's finest single's bars!

Funny! Why, there's nothing at all funny about any of it!

 

[Wherenextcolumbus]

Funny? Funny? I am immediately compelled to remind you, good woman, that those are serious, entirely factual, and very dignified resumes you refer to!

Make no mistake -- I say, make no mistake! -- each resume has been created by an individual effort of loving craftsmanship. Each resume could hang on the walls of a fine art museum and not be deemed too out of place.

Why you should think that reading those resumes is an adventure and a privilege! -- a privilege perhaps as great as being selected by space aliens for the rare old bracing anal probe. Those resumes are destined to be printed out on hard copy and shipped to our world's finest single's bars!

Funny! Why, there's nothing at all funny about any of it!

Only because I'm jealous...write me one

 

[Sunstone]

RESUME OF HORRORBLE

JOB OBJECTIVE: Extraordinarily competitive and determined British Goth woman seeks able and intrepid assistant to help break old record and secure their rightful place in Guinness Book of World Records for most multiple dark and despairing orgasms had in front of the guards during a single watch at Buckingham Palace. Assistant must be able to rapidly and consistently induce orgasms either physically or, in the most proper British manner, verbally. Formal Goth wear required.

QUALIFICATIONS: Confident, firmly resolved, intellectually and sexually gifted, this woman has ever been undaunted by aristocratic claims the Buckingham record belongs to the nobility alone. She is a staunch proponent of fulfilling ones duties to society, and has done extensive charity work scissoring out the more patriarchal passages of the Bible to replace them with passages clipped from steamy romance novels. Our candidate's respect and adoration for the despairing Goth poet, Vanessa Plunge-Bottom, who tragically took her own life due to the misfortunes she suffered as a consequence of her married name, have resulted in our candidate liberally providing the funds to build the Plunge-Bottom Memorial Fish and Chips stand.

WORK HISTORY:

Barista and Tour Guide, Plunge-Bottom Memorial: Long ques form daily for tours of the Plunge-Bottom Memorial, especially since the climatic moment of those tours cums when our candidate publicly competes with the Plunge-Bottom statue wearing only her pitch black knickers for which of them can achieve the darkest and most depressingly faked orgasm: She always wins.

Laundry Press Operator, Middle-Passingstones-upon-the-Sea Nudist Resort and Goth Society: Operating a laundry press at a nudist resort gave our candidate plenty of free time to wander the resort grounds in order to mentally re-dress the members in a proper British fashion. Earned high praise and accolades at the resort's candlelight poetry readings by frequently showing up with scissors to trim short the wicks of the candles and -- quite depressingly -- too often the wicks of the male Goths as well.

EDUCATION:

Post-Graduate work in Competitive Sexual Despair, British Institute of Extreme Darkness.

Bachelor's Degree in Dark Seductive Poetry, London School of Theoretical and Applied Depression.

REFERENCES:

Vanessa Plunge-Bottom (Leave written messages at grave site, then despair of receiving an answer.)

 

[Wherenextcolumbus]

RESUME OF HORRORBLE

JOB OBJECTIVE: Extraordinarily competitive and determined British Goth woman seeks able and intrepid assistant to help break old record and secure their rightful place in Guinness Book of World Records for most multiple dark and despairing orgasms had in front of the guards during a single watch at Buckingham Palace. Assistant must be able to rapidly and consistently induce orgasms either physically or, in the most proper British manner, verbally. Formal Goth wear required.

QUALIFICATIONS: Confident, firmly resolved, intellectually and sexually gifted, this woman has ever been undaunted by aristocratic claims the Buckingham record belongs to the nobility alone. She is a staunch proponent of fulfilling ones duties to society, and has done extensive charity work scissoring out the more patriarchal passages of the Bible to replace them with passages clipped from steamy romance novels. Our candidate's respect and adoration for the despairing Goth poet, Vanessa Plunge-Bottom, who tragically took her own life due to the misfortunes she suffered as a consequence of her married name, have resulted in our candidate liberally providing the funds to build the Plunge-Bottom Memorial Fish and Chips stand.

WORK HISTORY:

Barista and Tour Guide, Plunge-Bottom Memorial: Long ques form daily for tours of the Plunge-Bottom Memorial, especially since the climatic moment of those tours cums when our candidate publicly competes with the Plunge-Bottom statue wearing only her pitch black knickers for which of them can achieve the darkest and most depressingly faked orgasm: She always wins.

Laundry Press Operator, Middle-Passingstones-upon-the-Sea Nudist Resort and Goth Society: Operating a laundry press at a nudist resort gave our candidate plenty of free time to wander the resort grounds in order to mentally re-dress the members in a proper British fashion. Earned high praise and accolades at the resort's candlelight poetry readings by frequently showing up with scissors to trim short the wicks of the candles and -- quite depressingly -- too often the wicks of the male Goths as well.

EDUCATION:

Post-Graduate work in Competitive Sexual Despair, British Institute of Extreme Darkness.

Bachelor's Degree in Dark Seductive Poetry, London School of Theoretical and Applied Depression.

REFERENCES:

Vanessa Plunge-Bottom (Leave written messages at grave site, then despair of receiving an answer.)

This is amazing. I-AM-DYING!

 

[Sunstone]

This is amazing. I-AM-DYING!

Glad to hear you've found it funny!

 

[Sha'irullah]

RESUME OF STERLING ARCHER

JOB OBJECTIVE: Brilliant, but tragically conflicted Californian man seeks submissive Asian chick willing to receive cathartic, asexual spankings designed to improve upon his natural, inborn gift for tenderizing meat.

QUALIFICATIONS: A creative rebel who disdains being put in a box, the applicant excels at coloring outside the lines, inventing new ways of thinking of about things, twisting his soul into implausible knots, and pleasuring himself with common garden tools and a yard or two of string.

WORK HISTORY:

Senior Janitor, Fickleweed's Plumbing Supply Company: Earned generous accolades from his employer for his diligence in unnecessarily dusting the insides of the company's stock of copper tubing. Adored and fawned upon by the company's two secretaries for having invented, just for them, a paste suitable for use in polishing their genitals to a brilliant shine.

Californian Wine Country Goat herder: Successfully maximized the number of goats under his care by inventing a way to stack them six up. Later trained the same goats to aggressively seek out and eat the cars of wine country tourists as an all too clever ploy to attract nationwide attention to his new and exciting line of fashionable bikinis for goats.

EDUCATION:

The applicant has no formal education beyond the third grade due to his utter disgust at being regimented by the school system.

REFERENCES:

Dr. Carloff Jurgens, Director, American Rescue Mission for the Humane Treatment of Traumatized Goats.

Peter Snerkson, Assistant Pastor, Church of Our Lady of a Thousand Merciful Spankings.

After reading this I know my life is complete. I shall now go die peacefully :beach:

 

[methylatedghosts]

RESUME OF METHYLATEDGHOSTS

JOB OBJECTIVE: Sexy gentleman unleashed upon the world from his home in New Zealand seeks adventuresome couples who have sophisticated sexual tastes that range from a vanilla fondness for straightforward threesomes all the way through to the creatively combined use of thorny rose bushes, household electrical current, and the occasional passing midget. Sustained consciousness optional.

QUALIFICATIONS: The applicant is an exceptionally considerate, but decisively energetic, lover widely known and appreciated in certain law enforcement circles for his inventive interpretations of the last remaining vice laws of New Zealand.

WORK HISTORY:

Field Activist, Kiwi Socialist People's Pressure Group: Demonstrated outstanding leadership by politically organizing twelve brothels, two massage parlors, and a terry-cloth towel dealership within a single seven month period. Built upon his initial success with the brothels, parlors, and dealership by unionizing the choir girls of eighteen churches, all of whom later became his mistresses. Successfully persevered through 187 battles with various and sundry STDs that year.

Machine Operator, Churklesmith Violin and Earplug Company: Achieved remarkable success exceeding his daily production quota of earplugs by well lubricating his machine with certain of his own bodily fluids. Dismissed from employment upon the discovery of precisely which bodily fluid he was using.

EDUCATION:

Graduated Whippletouzer Academy for the Sexually Insane.

REFERENCES:

Major General Axel Pertanmeyer, New Zealand Reform School for Lost and Wayward Choir Girls.

Any one of the 36 Ladies and Gentlemen of that Spanish tour group he sexually hijacked.

The domestic animals of Christchurch.

Amazing job, Phil. I couldn't hope for better. I will be sure to print this one off for future use

 

[Penumbra]

These are hilarious, Phil.

I don't know how you think of so much material so quickly.

 

[Sunstone]

These are hilarious, Phil.

I don't know how you think of so much material so quickly.

Can I do your sexual resume? Please!

 

[Penumbra]

Can I do your sexual resume? Please!

Sure, if you want to. ^_^

 

[-Peacemaker-]

I think I should do Penumbra's resume

 

[MysticSang'ha]

My sexual resume is plastered all over RF.

 

[Huey09]

I would write one but I'd be so embarrassed...

 

[Sunstone]

RESUME OF PENUMBRA

JOB OBJECTIVE: Alarmingly over-extended and stressed-out twenty-something professional desperately seeks relief from the hustle-bustle of the business world in the simple and dignified arms of a yodeling master suck artist. Preferably, the artist will be in possession of a certain anatomical feature of alpine proportions, a tongue with cat-like dexterity, and an ever ready jar of Dijon mustard.

QUALIFICATIONS: All her life, the professional has suffered from a deficit of meaningful praise for her astounding intellectual powers, her superior athletic skills, her beautiful eyes, and her abiding compassion for others, due to the quite understandable fact that the singular excellence of her home-cooked marinara sauce has hogged all the attention of those most familiar with her. Consequently, she routinely seeks recognition of her larger and fuller self in tragically fleeting, and almost always banal, conversations with bored late night convenience store clerks.

WORK HISTORY:

Meta-studies Analyst for the Horton and Smickers Facial Tissue Company: Began work with Horton and Smickers as a part-time laboratory animal, won promotion to analyst after assuming the initiative in studying 37 recent scientific reports dealing with the physical integrity of facial tissues when subjected to the stresses associated with the explosive release of bodily fluids from self-pleasuring adolescent males. Demonstrated extraordinary ability to sustain interest and focus on the details of the reports.

Freelance Manga Critic: Developed an early in life interest in squandering time and resources investigating the allegedly hidden ontological views of Japanese manga authors. At age 17, published her seminal work in three volumes, Seeds of Being and Nothingness in Sailor Moon, which quite unfortunately resulted in her being dumped by her intended prom date on the grounds she was much too boring -- even given the known fact she had been energetically practicing for prom night by timing how fast she could disrobe in the back seat of a car. Showed remarkable emotional resilience along with a forgiving nature by sending him a jar of marinara sauce.

EDUCATION:

Currently taking night courses in pursuit of a degree in The Sexual Use of Sauces and Condiments from the Perblestone School of Advanced Analytic Cookery.

Graduate, Program for the Ontological Bore, Stintson's Mail Order University.

REFERENCES:

Professor Tokonara Hitchi (Academic Liaison to Western Fools and Barbarians, University of Kyoto)

Mama Francisca D'Angelo (Sauce Cook in Residence, Naples Reform School for Deeply Confused Youths)

Agon Berlinger (Free Spirited Swiss Yodeling Instructor and Professional Alpine Guide in the service of crotch tourists)

 

[Penumbra]

Awwww.

 

[Revoltingest]

My sexual resume is plastered all over RF.

That fact is of no use to those of us who aren't allowed into the staff lavatories.