For the last couple months, I was in a real funk. I seldom delve into true depression, but I was there for awhile. Logically, I could understand why; it was the dark months in frigid cold during a worldwide pandemic. That's depressing. But it's lifted now. I don't feel so bad anymore... I understood at the time it was temporary, and it was.
But doing some reading during the time, it seems that, even though I'm feeling better, I've probably carried the majority of the symptoms of depression for years now. Confused me a bit; honestly, I feel fine. I'd always kind of attributed it to being in a place totally unsuitable for me(and that probably has taken a very real toll). But I kind of had to ponder if something else is going on here...
For as long as I can remember, I've suppressed just about every emotion I could. I learned it young; my parents weren't abusive, but if I was too 'happy', they questioned if I was on drugs or not(more my father than my mother, really). So I learned to hold that in...
I learned to hold in anything that could be perceived as weak, really. The man I spent a good chunk of early adulthood saw to that... He was abusive, mostly mentally, but occasionally physically. When it first started, I would get angry, or cry, but after awhile, I wouldn't let him break me anymore. I remember staring at him once as he'd punch me in the side of the head, counting each time he'd hit me calmly, nonchalantly. Go ahead. Hit me again. You can't hurt me. It did work... he stopped and went away. But it was during those years I think I learned to suppress any emotions most people would reach out for help for.
And then came parenting. While suppression wasn't important with my first son, it became absolutely necessary with the second. With his behavioral issues, much of what he does is reaction seeking. I learned early, as did the schools he attended, that if you could not respond, or respond very casually, the negative behavior stopped. "Oh, you dumped your plate on the floor? Excellent. The dogs will love this." Once he didn't get the big loud reaction he desired, he stops. I have, (as did his preschool teachers) gotten this down to an art.
The only trouble is... with all this suppression, I don't know how to not suppress, and quite frankly, emotions make me uncomfortable. Even good ones. But I am recognizing this is a problem. My energy levels and willpower are low, and everything feels like work. Even stuff I like to do. I'm stagnating, but it isn't from lack of opportunity, its from an inability to connect to the things going on around me in a meaningful way. I try, and I go through the motions, but I believe until I learn how to show and to really allow myself to feel happiness(because, honestly, I'm pretty content most of the time), I'm going to struggle to do the things I want to do.
I feel like I'm 14 again, trying to hide the great day I had at school so Dad doesn't accuse me of being on drugs...
How does one learn to cultivate joy?
(For the record, I am seeing and working with a therapist.)
But doing some reading during the time, it seems that, even though I'm feeling better, I've probably carried the majority of the symptoms of depression for years now. Confused me a bit; honestly, I feel fine. I'd always kind of attributed it to being in a place totally unsuitable for me(and that probably has taken a very real toll). But I kind of had to ponder if something else is going on here...
For as long as I can remember, I've suppressed just about every emotion I could. I learned it young; my parents weren't abusive, but if I was too 'happy', they questioned if I was on drugs or not(more my father than my mother, really). So I learned to hold that in...
I learned to hold in anything that could be perceived as weak, really. The man I spent a good chunk of early adulthood saw to that... He was abusive, mostly mentally, but occasionally physically. When it first started, I would get angry, or cry, but after awhile, I wouldn't let him break me anymore. I remember staring at him once as he'd punch me in the side of the head, counting each time he'd hit me calmly, nonchalantly. Go ahead. Hit me again. You can't hurt me. It did work... he stopped and went away. But it was during those years I think I learned to suppress any emotions most people would reach out for help for.
And then came parenting. While suppression wasn't important with my first son, it became absolutely necessary with the second. With his behavioral issues, much of what he does is reaction seeking. I learned early, as did the schools he attended, that if you could not respond, or respond very casually, the negative behavior stopped. "Oh, you dumped your plate on the floor? Excellent. The dogs will love this." Once he didn't get the big loud reaction he desired, he stops. I have, (as did his preschool teachers) gotten this down to an art.
The only trouble is... with all this suppression, I don't know how to not suppress, and quite frankly, emotions make me uncomfortable. Even good ones. But I am recognizing this is a problem. My energy levels and willpower are low, and everything feels like work. Even stuff I like to do. I'm stagnating, but it isn't from lack of opportunity, its from an inability to connect to the things going on around me in a meaningful way. I try, and I go through the motions, but I believe until I learn how to show and to really allow myself to feel happiness(because, honestly, I'm pretty content most of the time), I'm going to struggle to do the things I want to do.
I feel like I'm 14 again, trying to hide the great day I had at school so Dad doesn't accuse me of being on drugs...
How does one learn to cultivate joy?
(For the record, I am seeing and working with a therapist.)
