How Women Become Addicted to Abusive Men

[Sunstone]

Have you ever wondered why anyone might become addicted to an abusive partner and simply cannot leave them for long?

As most adults know, a lot of women seem to have a great deal of emotional difficulty leaving an abusive spouse. In fact, some women will stay forever with such a spouse, though he (or she) destroys their mental and emotional well-being, crushes their self-esteem, and -- perhaps -- even threatens their lives or the lives of their children. And, sometimes, abused men have much the same problem leaving an abusive spouse as abused women do.

However, it now appears that science is in the process of revealing the underlying reasons why (1) women seem to have such difficulty leaving an abusive spouse, and why (2) women seem to have much greater difficulty than men leaving an abusive spouse. But to understand what science has to say about it, we must begin by discussing popular notions of love.

If you ask most people who are in lasting relationships -- including marriage -- to describe love to you, they will most often describe the warm and fuzzy feelings that oxytocin produces in us of trust, love, and so forth. Oxytocin is a neurochemical that creates in us the emotions we usually associate with our most important emotional bonds to other people. Such as our warm and fuzzy emotional bonds to our kids, to our parents, to our siblings, and to our spouses. When people talk about their feelings of love for someone, they quite often describe the emotions produced by oxytocin.

Oxytocin is highly addictive. Some scientists even describe oxytocin as being more addictive than heroin. And -- although it doesn't have all that much to do with newly minted romantic love, oxytocin seems to very frequently dominate the feelings we have in long-term, lasting relationships. It's addictive qualities are cumulative. That is, the longer you are physically with someone, the more oxytocin will bond you to them.

Like many addictive chemicals, oxytocin does not immediately produce withdrawal symptoms. Usually, there's about a three (3) day wait between your last oxytocin fix and the onset of withdrawal symptoms. So, if you are like most of us, then you can expect to go from two to four days before you start missing -- painfully missing -- someone to whom you are heavily bonded.

To put all of the above in context, a woman leaving an abusive relationship has roughly three days before the onset of oxytocin withdrawal symptoms, when she will discover that she is painfully missing her ex. And, according to some scientists, those withdrawal symptoms, when they hit her, can even at times be more severe than if she were withdrawing from an heroine addiction.

But the above is further compounded by the fact the poor woman -- the woman leaving an abusive relationship -- has been taught her entire life to call the feelings produced by oxytocin -- to call those feelings, "love".
So, three days after she leaves the person who is beating her, and/or in some other ways abusing her, she starts to crave him. She starts to miss him painfully. And she thinks -- she believes -- that her painful feelings of oxytocin withdrawal mean she is still in love with him.

Both her feelings and her beliefs about her feelings encourage her to return to her abuser.

Up to a point, abused men go through the same process as women. But there is one major difference between men and women here. It seems that the effects of oxytocin on us are significantly stronger in women than in men. Studies have now shown that estrogen, the so-called "female hormone", multiplies the effects on us of oxytocin by -- at the very least -- a factor of 10. Hence, women usually find it far, far more emotionally difficult to permanently leave an abusive partner than men do.

At any rate, that seems to be the most recent, up to date, explanation that science currently offers as to why anyone might become addicted to an abusive partner, and why women tend to become more addicted to abusive partners than men. Do you think the science on this matter sheds any light at all on any relationships you have known about? Why or why not?

 

[Autodidact]

Interesting. Here's another perspective, more pedestrian. I have represented victims of domestic violence for decades. Here's what one of them said to me:

"He said that if I stayed with him, he would be the perfect husband and father, but if I left him, he would kill me."

If true, the only rational decision is to stay with him. It's only when, through experience, she realizes that one or both of these is false, that it makes sense to leave. If they are false, that is. It is actually common for dv perpetrators to kill their partner when they leave.

In other words, the decision to stay with an abusive partner is often rational, and does not present a mystery requiring explanation.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Many people are also scared to be on their own - more scared of that than being abused.

 

[Sunstone]

In other words, the decision to stay with an abusive partner is often rational, and does not present a mystery requiring explanation.

Do you seriously think there's some chance that neurochemicals might still be busy at work in people even if the people themselves -- or even their lawyers -- apparently think those neurochemicals will suspend their operation when the people happen to have a rational reason for what they do? Are you really telling me that?

 

[Starsoul]

I think that there's this really clever side of abusive men which really helps them use the emotions of women to their advantage. It is observed that such men easily plead guilty and beg their partners for forgiveness,(after offending to great extents), to the extent of crying, apologizing profusely for their ill behaviour, blaming it all either on their temper or indirectly to the women in a clever way. 'had you done it like this, i wouldn't have reacted like that, and you know you're the only one who knows how to deal with me so well and etc". And women being the emotional ones, fall for it almost always, unless they make up their mind about not letting a negative influence ruin their lives or the children's.

Most of the abusers are really good at making up too, and thats where women feel weak, it is hard to find men who admit to their weakness and yet are strong figures in their lives ( thats another thing that the abuser's only strong side is his emotional control and manipulation, which is done with the outer gloss of manliness. However i do believe that if a man is man enough, he would never abuse a woman. )

Clever emotions ( rather lack of emotion) is a state of non-good emotions where the only emotions that are felt, are related to swift short temper, arrogance and no remorse. Such is the state of an abuser when he abuses, and most of them say the most obnoxious things to hurt people around them, it gives them a false/negative sense of control over other people when they see that their behavior affects them and can get them the results they require. They are too dead themselves to try to illicit a positive influence on people, since they become adept at controlling people by the way of abuse, and to them abusing someone is always easier to get things done, rather then being polite.


I do not think that the solution here lies with the emotions of the women, they are natural. If women even did gain some control over their emotions, it isn't going to force men to change their ways, because if women tried to calm their natural emotions, they will also become emotionally cold, and then there is a very high risk of women repeating the same abusive cycle on men to get even. The solution only lies with men.



I generally feel, science hasn't played much of a curative role in the psychological behavioral structuring of people. It can go as far as observing the patterns, modifying them ,but treatment is almost always restricted to calming/dumbing someone down, it never really fully treats,or helps get rid of an abnormal behavior pattern. If the abuse is more an offshoot of maniac depression, bi-polar mood disorder,(the behavior disorders which usually show a very high correlation and ratio with abusive behavior) it is very difficult to control and modify it, not impossible though. Not unless the abuser realizes how damaging it is for his own emotional well being, to influence others so negatively around him.

 

[ninerbuff]

Neurochemical reactions are also why people have an addictive habit to food. I can totally see that if a person who is addicted to food, totally eats to kill pain for the rush of dopamine, then realize that that they still aren't happy, then eat again for the rush, and keep the cycle going, akin to how abused women goes through the neurochemical rush from an abusive relationship.

 

[no-body]

I think you're understating the psychological impact. Many women in abusive relationships are recreating the chaos fueled scenarios they had in childhood. Even if they end up leaving their abusive husbands/boyfriends unless they get treatment they will magically be attracted to the same type of guy and recreate the scenario all over again.

Not to say that this goes for all abused women I'm sure there is a very tiny subset that got into it by accident or whatever but they tend to leave it very quickly and get well.

 

[Autodidact]

Do you seriously think there's some chance that neurochemicals might still be busy at work in people even if the people themselves -- or even their lawyers -- apparently think those neurochemicals will suspend their operation when the people happen to have a rational reason for what they do? Are you really telling me that?

I think every decision we make is nothing but neurochemicals. I'm pointing out that there are valid, rational reasons for a victim of domestic violence to choose to stay with her batterer. Even when not valid, they may still be rational in the context of the information she has.

 

[Racheal21]

In my experience my mom was abusive and I was always trying to fine approval. I thought that if I could be a better daughter then my mom would change. When I met my boyfriend Duane we started out as roommates I needed out of my current situation and he needed money. After a while we began "dating" right form the start I could see the same jealous, and controlling needs as my mother had. He would be mental and verbally abusive but I kept thinking that I could change him. When he hit me the first time I believed him when he said it wouldn't happen again and that it was my fault it happened. The next time it happened I left and he came to me he was so apologetic saying he was sorry he was going to never do it again and shouldn't do it again and he was going to get a job. Me being 3 months pregnant I had nowhere to go so I went back. Everytime this has happened I get a stronger since that he was being honest and I could change him. He has not put his hands on me in about 4 months but the words sometimes cut like knives. I am not happy but still my point to all this is I keep thinking he will change and in a since thinking how scary it is out there with noone and the economy getting worse how will I do? So to some women it could be that they have no where else to go the abusive life style is what they are used to they have nowhere to go and in there hearts they believe he/she will change.

 

[Autodidact]

Thank you for sharing your situation, Rachael. Certainly, economic dependence is a factor too, just as you say.

I hope it will work out well for you. My experience tells me that there is a good chance that it won't. May I suggest that you begin working on a plan to take care of yourself and your child, just in case it doesn't?

 

[no-body]

In my experience my mom was abusive and I was always trying to fine approval. I thought that if I could be a better daughter then my mom would change. When I met my boyfriend Duane we started out as roommates I needed out of my current situation and he needed money. After a while we began "dating" right form the start I could see the same jealous, and controlling needs as my mother had. He would be mental and verbally abusive but I kept thinking that I could change him. When he hit me the first time I believed him when he said it wouldn't happen again and that it was my fault it happened. The next time it happened I left and he came to me he was so apologetic saying he was sorry he was going to never do it again and shouldn't do it again and he was going to get a job. Me being 3 months pregnant I had nowhere to go so I went back. Everytime this has happened I get a stronger since that he was being honest and I could change him. He has not put his hands on me in about 4 months but the words sometimes cut like knives. I am not happy but still my point to all this is I keep thinking he will change and in a since thinking how scary it is out there with noone and the economy getting worse how will I do? So to some women it could be that they have no where else to go the abusive life style is what they are used to they have nowhere to go and in there hearts they believe he/she will change.

run as fast as you can to the nearest women shelter.

 

[Penumbra]

Have you ever wondered why anyone might become addicted to an abusive partner and simply cannot leave them for long?

As most adults know, a lot of women seem to have a great deal of emotional difficulty leaving an abusive spouse. In fact, some women will stay forever with such a spouse, though he (or she) destroys their mental and emotional well-being, crushes their self-esteem, and -- perhaps -- even threatens their lives or the lives of their children. And, sometimes, abused men have much the same problem leaving an abusive spouse as abused women do.

However, it now appears that science is in the process of revealing the underlying reasons why (1) women seem to have such difficulty leaving an abusive spouse, and why (2) women seem to have much greater difficulty than men leaving an abusive spouse. But to understand what science has to say about it, we must begin by discussing popular notions of love.

If you ask most people who are in lasting relationships -- including marriage -- to describe love to you, they will most often describe the warm and fuzzy feelings that oxytocin produces in us of trust, love, and so forth. Oxytocin is a neurochemical that creates in us the emotions we usually associate with our most important emotional bonds to other people. Such as our warm and fuzzy emotional bonds to our kids, to our parents, to our siblings, and to our spouses. When people talk about their feelings of love for someone, they quite often describe the emotions produced by oxytocin.

Oxytocin is highly addictive. Some scientists even describe oxytocin as being more addictive than heroin. And -- although it doesn't have all that much to do with newly minted romantic love, oxytocin seems to very frequently dominate the feelings we have in long-term, lasting relationships. It's addictive qualities are cumulative. That is, the longer you are physically with someone, the more oxytocin will bond you to them.

Like many addictive chemicals, oxytocin does not immediately produce withdrawal symptoms. Usually, there's about a three (3) day wait between your last oxytocin fix and the onset of withdrawal symptoms. So, if you are like most of us, then you can expect to go from two to four days before you start missing -- painfully missing -- someone to whom you are heavily bonded.

To put all of the above in context, a woman leaving an abusive relationship has roughly three days before the onset of oxytocin withdrawal symptoms, when she will discover that she is painfully missing her ex. And, according to some scientists, those withdrawal symptoms, when they hit her, can even at times be more severe than if she were withdrawing from an heroine addiction.

But the above is further compounded by the fact the poor woman -- the woman leaving an abusive relationship -- has been taught her entire life to call the feelings produced by oxytocin -- to call those feelings, "love".
So, three days after she leaves the person who is beating her, and/or in some other ways abusing her, she starts to crave him. She starts to miss him painfully. And she thinks -- she believes -- that her painful feelings of oxytocin withdrawal mean she is still in love with him.

Both her feelings and her beliefs about her feelings encourage her to return to her abuser.

Up to a point, abused men go through the same process as women. But there is one major difference between men and women here. It seems that the effects of oxytocin on us are significantly stronger in women than in men. Studies have now shown that estrogen, the so-called "female hormone", multiplies the effects on us of oxytocin by -- at the very least -- a factor of 10. Hence, women usually find it far, far more emotionally difficult to permanently leave an abusive partner than men do.

At any rate, that seems to be the most recent, up to date, explanation that science currently offers as to why anyone might become addicted to an abusive partner, and why women tend to become more addicted to abusive partners than men. Do you think the science on this matter sheds any light at all on any relationships you have known about? Why or why not?

It seems to be a valid hypothesis.

What kind of studies have shown that estrogen multiples the effect of oxytocin? When they say it multiplies the effect, isn't the effect rather subjective? I'm interested in how they measured and quantified it to a fairly objective degree.

If estrogen and oxytocin are so strong, why do women ever leave relationships? Why do some women leave relationships for much less acute issues, but others fail to leave relationships when there is serious abuse? There must be more at work than estrogen/oxytocin at work here, or it must have a strongly varying presence in different people.

I've never really had much experience with abusive relationships, either directly or through friends. My mother says that my father beat her when I was a child, but I find that to be unlikely. I wager that what most likely happened is that he got a bit aggressive (he did used to have a bit of a temper) and it scared her, and she exaggerated it to win favor in court.

There were two or three times years ago when my father got really infuriated and in a temper, and started to get a little physical, either by grabbing my wrist and painfully squeezing me, or pushing me against the wall. Every time it happened, I just kind of stared him down and basically implied "I dare you", and after making eye contact he would realize what he was doing and back off, since he's not a violent person. Some people really are, though.

Interesting. Here's another perspective, more pedestrian. I have represented victims of domestic violence for decades. Here's what one of them said to me:

"He said that if I stayed with him, he would be the perfect husband and father, but if I left him, he would kill me."

If true, the only rational decision is to stay with him. It's only when, through experience, she realizes that one or both of these is false, that it makes sense to leave. If they are false, that is. It is actually common for dv perpetrators to kill their partner when they leave.

In other words, the decision to stay with an abusive partner is often rational, and does not present a mystery requiring explanation.

I don't agree that if that quote is true, the only rational reason is to stay with him. Someone who says that isn't a perfect husband and father, even if he goes through the motions correctly. Unhappiness vs. Death isn't a very valid choice.

It seems to me the only rational answer would be to wait for an opportune time and get the heck out of there and go to a shelter for women.

 

[Autodidact]

It seems to be a valid hypothesis.

What kind of studies have shown that estrogen multiples the effect of oxytocin? When they say it multiplies the effect, isn't the effect rather subjective? I'm interested in how they measured and quantified it to a fairly objective degree.

If estrogen and oxytocin are so strong, why do women ever leave relationships? Why do some women leave relationships for much less acute issues, but others fail to leave relationships when there is serious abuse? There must be more at work than estrogen/oxytocin at work here, or it must have a strongly varying presence in different people.

I've never really had much experience with abusive relationships, either directly or through friends. My mother says that my father beat her when I was a child, but I find that to be unlikely. I wager that what most likely happened is that he got a bit aggressive (he did used to have a bit of a temper) and it scared her, and she exaggerated it to win favor in court.

There were two or three times years ago when my father got really infuriated and in a temper, and started to get a little physical, either by grabbing my wrist and painfully squeezing me, or pushing me against the wall. Every time it happened, I just kind of stared him down and basically implied "I dare you", and after making eye contact he would realize what he was doing and back off, since he's not a violent person. Some people really are, though.


I don't agree that if that quote is true, the only rational reason is to stay with him. Someone who says that isn't a perfect husband and father, even if he goes through the motions correctly. Unhappiness vs. Death isn't a very valid choice.

It seems to me the only rational answer would be to wait for an opportune time and get the heck out of there and go to a shelter for women.

I'm not saying it's a good decision. Often it isn't. Sometimes it may be. Remember, every year, thousands of women and children are killed by abusive spouses. What I'm saying is that battered women are not defective or crazy or suffering from leftover childhood trauma. They are ordinary people, like you and me, trying to make the best decisions they can based on the information they have. their main problem is that they chose the wrong partner.

It bugs me when people treat this question as a mystery. "Why does she stay with him?" "What's wrong with her?" She stays with him because she's afraid that she'll die if she leaves him, or that she will not be able to feed her children. These are valid concerns, and we would all serve the victim better to address them than to pathologize her.

Oh, and the quote is true. I am a legal services lawyer. I have represented, and I am not exaggerating, hundreds of battered women...and a few men. They are women much like me, and I was able to relate to them easily. The difference between us was mainly our situation, not our psychology. I could give you many worse quotes and stories than that, I assure you.

 

[Penumbra]

I'm not saying it's a good decision. Often it isn't. Sometimes it may be. Remember, every year, thousands of women and children are killed by abusive spouses. What I'm saying is that battered women are not defective or crazy or suffering from leftover childhood trauma. They are ordinary people, like you and me, trying to make the best decisions they can based on the information they have. their main problem is that they chose the wrong partner.

It bugs me when people treat this question as a mystery. "Why does she stay with him?" "What's wrong with her?" She stays with him because she's afraid that she'll die if she leaves him, or that she will not be able to feed her children. These are valid concerns, and we would all serve the victim better to address them than to pathologize her.

Where are most of these thousands of women and children killed? In their own homes?

I mean, I don't doubt that there are indeed many spousal murders over abuse. But I find it unlikely that they occur, say, at a shelter for women. I don't think the guy will go over there and kill her, or that he'll travel long distances across a state or something to track a woman down who has left. When I see this sort of thing in the news, it happens at their own home (which apparently means she didn't leave, or tried to leave while he was around or something.)

But I'm not particularly knowledgeable regarding the statistics of spousal abuse, so I'm asking. Where do most of them get killed?

Oh, and the quote is true. I am a legal services lawyer. I have represented, and I am not exaggerating, hundreds of battered women...and a few men. They are women much like me, and I was able to relate to them easily. The difference between us was mainly our situation, not our psychology. I could give you many worse quotes and stories than that, I assure you.

That's not quite what I meant when I said, "if that quote is true". I didn't doubt that it was a genuine quote.

You said:
"If true, the only rational decision is to stay with him."

And my response was that, if true, I don't find that to be the most rational decision, let alone the only rational decision. I didn't mean true in the sense of whether it was said or not.

 

[Autodidact]

Where are most of these thousands of women and children killed? In their own homes?

I mean, I don't doubt that there are indeed many spousal murders over abuse. But I find it unlikely that they occur, say, at a shelter for women. I don't think the guy will go over there and kill her, or that he'll travel long distances across a state or something to track a woman down who has left. When I see this sort of thing in the news, it happens at their own home (which apparently means she didn't leave, or tried to leave while he was around or something.)

Actually, it has been well-documented that the most dangerous time for a battered woman is when she attempts to leave the batterer.

When victims are killed by their abusers, It frequently occurs after they have been separated from them or have taken other action to end the relationship. Since society continues to question why women remain In abusive relationships, it Is essential to consider how dangerous and difficult it often Is for victims to leave abusive partners. Many victims stay because of a reasonable fear that they will suffer severe injury or death If they attempt to end the relationship.

from here.

Studies consistently report that 75% of serious domestic violence Domestic Abuse related injuries and deaths occur after the victim has decided to end the relationship and the batterer believes he no longer has the power to get the victim back into the relationship and under his control. The vast majority of all homicides committed in Maine each year are domestic violence related and most of these murders are committed after the victim has attempted to end the relationship.

from here.

But I'm not particularly knowledgeable regarding the statistics of spousal abuse, so I'm asking. Where do most of them get killed?

I don't know about where, but when: when they try to leave.

 

[Rakhel]

You would be surprised at how many men can find the shelters and manage to get their woman to come back. Baring gifts and promises of change. They are not as hard to find as one thinks.