Trailblazer
Veteran Member
This is a continuation of two previous threads I posted:
I just want a normal boyfriend
I don’t really want a boyfriend
I don’t know what I want anymore, but I know what I don’t want, so I think that is a step in the right direction. I do not want a boyfriend unless it is going to lead to marriage, and I don’t want a man to have sex with unless we are married, since I would never have sex outside of wedlock. So why then do I want a man? If I get married again it will be for love, companionship, and emotional support, and to have someone who can help with the practical matters of everyday living, including caring for the house and the cats. I would also want a spiritual help-mate, such that we could grow together spiritually
However, I am not sure I want to get married, not unless I meet a man who I love who I am compatible with. It does not help me that I am attractive, healthy, own three houses, and am debt free and financially secure for life. Given my lifestyle and interests, it would be very unusual for me to find someone I am compatible with. That happened once in my lifetime, 37 years ago, but that does not mean it will ever happen again. It will only happen if that is what God wills for me, which would be my fate, not by my ardent searching for a man on various dating sites.
It has taken me a few months but I have finally reached this conclusion and I am fine with it. That doesn’t mean I am not going to make any effort to meet someone, because if I do nothing, then nothing will happen. God is not going to drop a man down my chimney. It just means that my attitude has changed so I no longer feel desperate about getting married again.
If I do not marry again, I might rent out space on my property so a man who is handy can live in a trailer on my property and I would rent it dirt cheap in exchange for work I might need done on the house and yard, since I don’t need the money. I have about an acre and there is a perfect place where a man could park a trailer and be very secluded.
Now back to the man called Mike. I have pretty much given up on Mike now, after our conversation last Saturday, and that is what I will tell him if he calls again. I feel good about my decision and I have a sense of freedom, thinking of no further involvement with him. I hope I do not change my mind, and I cannot see how that would be possible given what I now know about him, as noted below. I kind of feel sorry for him but I am not going to let that influence my decision, as I have needs too.
What I initially liked about Mike has now been far outweighed by what I don’t like and could not tolerate. I liked that he believed in God and seemed to have similar beliefs about God as I do, and I liked that he has morals, particularly with regards to sex. What I don’t like is that he really does not like the idea of cats even if he would be willing to tolerate them. I like that he is considerate and polite but I have now realized that he does not have much compassion, he is more in his head rather than his feelings.
What I have discovered through continued phone conversations is that he has no real ability of compromise and meet me halfway. All in all, I don’t think he understands what it means to sacrifice his needs for the needs of another person, and that cannot ever work in a marriage. I would not exactly say he is selfish, only that I think he has no idea how to have a relationship with a woman. That makes sense since he has only had one relationship with a woman 43 years ago, when he was married for two years. Since then, he has had no relationships with women. By contrast, I was married for 37 years to the same man.
To put this in context, I think the main problem he has is that he has OCD and I don’t think it is treatable by any kind of counseling, since he does not even know he has a problem! He says he has MCS (multiple chemical sensitivity) and he had that diagnosis by a physician, but he is obsessed about it. I simply cannot believe that he cannot live anywhere except in the desert as it makes no logical sense. I think his problem is mor psychological than physical. He is not only obsessed about the MCS, he is obsessed about nutrition and health. I could never live with a man who has these obsessions.
Rather than typing that all over again, I will copy and paste what I wrote to @JustGeorge and @Truthseeker in a private conversation.
Well, this whole thing with Mike came to a head today when I talked to him on the phone. It is a moot point if he would adjust to living in a house because he will never live in my house or anywhere else in Washington. I Even talked about Oregon and Idaho but he always has an excuse as to why he could not live everywhere I propose. But what's the point? If we cannot even agree on a place to meet in order to see if we are even compatible there is no point talking about where we would live if we got married.
Maybe he has MCS, but I think it is more psychological than physical, although I will never convince him of that! It is like trying to convince an atheist that God exists. I am worn out from talking to him and it leads nowhere.
No, showers are not important to him and neither are toilets! I am kind of glad that I spent so much time on the phone with him today because now I can see that this cannot work out. He is a complete fanatic about nutrition and air quality, and I think he has OCD. It does not matter that he might have similar beliefs about God and sex because people have to live in the real world. He even said that spending much time on the computer is dangerous because of the rays that come from the monitor. The only way he ever gets information is from printed books and articles, even printed maps!
He is completely out of touch with the modern world and other people. What does he think we would do all day if we were married? I now realize I have been entertaining a fantasy. I did not want to face that it cannot work because I did not want to give up hope, but I don't think it is beneficial for either of us to go on this way anymore. He is not going to change and neither am I.
When I told him if I came to where he is located just for a visit I could get a motel room outside of town to be away from the air pollution and he said he could not stay in a motel room because someone might have smoked in there. I told him there are smoke-free motel rooms these days and he argued with me. He suggested that I sleep in his car on the front seat! That is when I started to realize he is bonkers. I don't want to be hooked up with a man who argues and is not amenable to any reason. I did not think he was the controlling type but in a way he is. It is subtle manipulation when he refuses to meet me halfway.
Also, I can already see that our communication is not good. I asked if he wanted some photos of the cats and house and he seemed excited about them but now when I asked him to let me know what he thinks when he gets them he said there was no point since he cannot ever live here. I was planning to send him some Baha'i books and he sounded very interested but now I don't think I'll bother.
I just want a normal boyfriend
I don’t really want a boyfriend
I don’t know what I want anymore, but I know what I don’t want, so I think that is a step in the right direction. I do not want a boyfriend unless it is going to lead to marriage, and I don’t want a man to have sex with unless we are married, since I would never have sex outside of wedlock. So why then do I want a man? If I get married again it will be for love, companionship, and emotional support, and to have someone who can help with the practical matters of everyday living, including caring for the house and the cats. I would also want a spiritual help-mate, such that we could grow together spiritually
However, I am not sure I want to get married, not unless I meet a man who I love who I am compatible with. It does not help me that I am attractive, healthy, own three houses, and am debt free and financially secure for life. Given my lifestyle and interests, it would be very unusual for me to find someone I am compatible with. That happened once in my lifetime, 37 years ago, but that does not mean it will ever happen again. It will only happen if that is what God wills for me, which would be my fate, not by my ardent searching for a man on various dating sites.
It has taken me a few months but I have finally reached this conclusion and I am fine with it. That doesn’t mean I am not going to make any effort to meet someone, because if I do nothing, then nothing will happen. God is not going to drop a man down my chimney. It just means that my attitude has changed so I no longer feel desperate about getting married again.
If I do not marry again, I might rent out space on my property so a man who is handy can live in a trailer on my property and I would rent it dirt cheap in exchange for work I might need done on the house and yard, since I don’t need the money. I have about an acre and there is a perfect place where a man could park a trailer and be very secluded.
Now back to the man called Mike. I have pretty much given up on Mike now, after our conversation last Saturday, and that is what I will tell him if he calls again. I feel good about my decision and I have a sense of freedom, thinking of no further involvement with him. I hope I do not change my mind, and I cannot see how that would be possible given what I now know about him, as noted below. I kind of feel sorry for him but I am not going to let that influence my decision, as I have needs too.
What I initially liked about Mike has now been far outweighed by what I don’t like and could not tolerate. I liked that he believed in God and seemed to have similar beliefs about God as I do, and I liked that he has morals, particularly with regards to sex. What I don’t like is that he really does not like the idea of cats even if he would be willing to tolerate them. I like that he is considerate and polite but I have now realized that he does not have much compassion, he is more in his head rather than his feelings.
What I have discovered through continued phone conversations is that he has no real ability of compromise and meet me halfway. All in all, I don’t think he understands what it means to sacrifice his needs for the needs of another person, and that cannot ever work in a marriage. I would not exactly say he is selfish, only that I think he has no idea how to have a relationship with a woman. That makes sense since he has only had one relationship with a woman 43 years ago, when he was married for two years. Since then, he has had no relationships with women. By contrast, I was married for 37 years to the same man.
To put this in context, I think the main problem he has is that he has OCD and I don’t think it is treatable by any kind of counseling, since he does not even know he has a problem! He says he has MCS (multiple chemical sensitivity) and he had that diagnosis by a physician, but he is obsessed about it. I simply cannot believe that he cannot live anywhere except in the desert as it makes no logical sense. I think his problem is mor psychological than physical. He is not only obsessed about the MCS, he is obsessed about nutrition and health. I could never live with a man who has these obsessions.
Rather than typing that all over again, I will copy and paste what I wrote to @JustGeorge and @Truthseeker in a private conversation.
Well, this whole thing with Mike came to a head today when I talked to him on the phone. It is a moot point if he would adjust to living in a house because he will never live in my house or anywhere else in Washington. I Even talked about Oregon and Idaho but he always has an excuse as to why he could not live everywhere I propose. But what's the point? If we cannot even agree on a place to meet in order to see if we are even compatible there is no point talking about where we would live if we got married.
Maybe he has MCS, but I think it is more psychological than physical, although I will never convince him of that! It is like trying to convince an atheist that God exists. I am worn out from talking to him and it leads nowhere.
No, showers are not important to him and neither are toilets! I am kind of glad that I spent so much time on the phone with him today because now I can see that this cannot work out. He is a complete fanatic about nutrition and air quality, and I think he has OCD. It does not matter that he might have similar beliefs about God and sex because people have to live in the real world. He even said that spending much time on the computer is dangerous because of the rays that come from the monitor. The only way he ever gets information is from printed books and articles, even printed maps!
He is completely out of touch with the modern world and other people. What does he think we would do all day if we were married? I now realize I have been entertaining a fantasy. I did not want to face that it cannot work because I did not want to give up hope, but I don't think it is beneficial for either of us to go on this way anymore. He is not going to change and neither am I.
When I told him if I came to where he is located just for a visit I could get a motel room outside of town to be away from the air pollution and he said he could not stay in a motel room because someone might have smoked in there. I told him there are smoke-free motel rooms these days and he argued with me. He suggested that I sleep in his car on the front seat! That is when I started to realize he is bonkers. I don't want to be hooked up with a man who argues and is not amenable to any reason. I did not think he was the controlling type but in a way he is. It is subtle manipulation when he refuses to meet me halfway.
Also, I can already see that our communication is not good. I asked if he wanted some photos of the cats and house and he seemed excited about them but now when I asked him to let me know what he thinks when he gets them he said there was no point since he cannot ever live here. I was planning to send him some Baha'i books and he sounded very interested but now I don't think I'll bother.
) And, come to think of it, I recently met a couple of charming and interesting people via the internet myself - but not for romantic purposes, I hasten to add.
