I need guidance and help

[benjamin]

I hope this belong in here.

Hello dear friends. Thanks for your advice in advance, I'm a 38 year old guy and I'd like to explain my situation so no misunderstandings will arise. I'm single, I've never ever have had a girlfriend in my entire life so I'm very, very shy around women; people say I look like a 25 year old guy, and that boosts my self esteem a little, etc.
Recently, through some friends I've met this beautiful 16 year old girl, and she's a lovely girl. She was the one to show interest in me, and told this mutual friends that I invite her to a cup of coffee, you know, as a date. I couldn't do it, my shyness is beyond repair I guess. What I've done is give her as a present some CD's, and she of course liked such little details. I know, what I have is just a crush on her, it's puppy love even though I've never experienced what it feels like to love a woman romantically. I, at times cry about this whole thing because imagine, I'm already suffering just because I can't gather enough courage to ask her on a date, and what if... she, even if we became acquainted, said, I dont "love" you enymore? That would kill me.
I have no bad intentions whatsoever regarding this girl. I don't want to take her to bed or something like that, I just have a natural admiration for her beauty, her smile, her charms. She seems to be a very mature girl for her age.
It seems to me that I have to deal myself with a lot a emotional issues before I leap to the abyss, and drag her with me. One fo the problems I have is that because of this same shyness have very few friends and social interaction.
Please, if you wish laugh, or consider me an idiot, I don't care. Please anyone can help?
That would lessen my burden. See, I'd like to discuss this with someone, but there's noone around.

 

[Watcher]

I'll drop you a pm

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Im not going to laugh. Allthough not quite as long, I have few friends and have had no girlfriend. I really can't give any advice, due to my lack of experience.

 

[jorylore]

Benjamin, I feel your pain. First of all, I'm new to this forum but I really don't think this thread belongs here. ANYWAY, my opinion is to be careful. There is a huge age difference here. And although age is not everything it is defiantly a factor in this case. Especially since you are really shy and a little shaky emotionally when it come to relationships. She is young. Do you really think she's going to be able to handle the emotional baggage you're going to bring into this relationship? You don't want to end up getting hurt or hurting her.

 

[Jaymes]

Hi benjamin. I moved your thread since I think it may be suited better to the General Discussion section than the General Debate section

I'm afraid I'll have to leave advice to everyone else, since I've no experience in such matters.

 

[The Black Whirlwind]

i had a major crush on this girl for two years, and eventually i had my friend tell her, because i was really shy (stil am, somewhat). I really got rejected, and it hurt me deeply. I haven't liked anyone since. If you think you or the girl you like will get hurt in this relationship, i wouldn't pursue it further. But a life without risk is fairly boring no?

 

[KirbyFan101]

Hello dear friends. Thanks for your advice in advance, I'm a 38 year old guy and I'd like to explain my situation so no misunderstandings will arise. I'm single, I've never ever have had a girlfriend in my entire life so I'm very, very shy around women;

What you are dealing with here seems to be either extremely low self esteem, or extreme social arkwardness. Basically, its a cycle you need to get out of, buddy. Most guys go through the "arkwardness" around women in their teenage years, and the only way to shake the sexual tension is to just bite the bullet and start talking to them. It certainly encouraged me to know that the first time would be the hardest, and that it would become gradually easier from there.

Everyone is different. I think once you start building up confidence, it would escalate you to a significantly better life.

Recently, through some friends I've met this beautiful 16 year old girl, and she's a lovely girl.

Mate, i'm sorry, but that sentance alone says it all. She is 16, man. You are 38, old enough to be her father. No-one at 16 truly knows what they want, and if you were to date her many would brand you a phedofile. If you were to sleep with her (depending on your country), you would be commiting statutory rape.

She was the one to show interest in me, and told this mutual friends that I invite her to a cup of coffee, you know, as a date. I couldn't do it, my shyness is beyond repair I guess. What I've done is give her as a present some CD's, and she of course liked such little details. I know, what I have is just a crush on her,

Its common for people with little experience to jump on anybody that shows interest. I think a much healthier solution would be to start talking to women your own age, no matter how hard or arkward it may be.

it's puppy love even though I've never experienced what it feels like to love a woman romantically. I, at times cry about this whole thing because imagine, I'm already suffering just because I can't gather enough courage to ask her on a date, and what if... she, even if we became acquainted, said, I dont "love" you enymore? That would kill me.

The golden rule of dating is that you shouldn't ask if you aren't prepared to accept both answers (yes and no). Have I been rejected? More times than I can count. Have I been accepted? Of course! Its a luck of the draw, but you can't take rejection so personally, otherwise, you will never get anywhere. Once your confidence gets up you will start to lose this fear of rejection.

I have no bad intentions whatsoever regarding this girl. I don't want to take her to bed or something like that, I just have a natural admiration for her beauty, her smile, her charms. She seems to be a very mature girl for her age.

Let me put it this way. If her parents found out, they would probably call the police. Feel free to be her friend, talk to her, whatever. But dating her, honestly man, is a very very risky move.

It seems to me that I have to deal myself with a lot a emotional issues before I leap to the abyss, and drag her with me. One fo the problems I have is that because of this same shyness have very few friends and social interaction.

Try not to think of it as "i'm screwin everyone over". Try to think of it as "I need to better myself". Visit some bars. Take a walk in the park. Talk to people! The first step is the hardest. You have obviously spent a whole lot of time doing the same old thing, make a change! And realise that you are not alone. Many people are shy, its a perfectly normal personality trait. Get lucky enough and you might even find someone like you!

Please, if you wish laugh, or consider me an idiot, I don't care. Please anyone can help?
That would lessen my burden. See, I'd like to discuss this with someone, but there's noone around.

Anyone who laughs at you has my flamethrower to deal with Knockout

 

[Shadow Wolf]

If you were to sleep with her (depending on your country), you would be commiting statutory rape

It is a good idea to look up the legal age for sex in youre country, state, or whatever, if you do plan on it eventually. I know in many places, its 17, some places its 18. Here in Indiana, its 16.

 

[benjamin]

Thanks for your help all of you. I've thought about the legal issues involved, that's why I've been real cautious about the matter. Yes, I suffer from a very low self esteem, maybe I need to visit a psychologist. I need more friends. Fortunately I haven't done anything wrong. Maybe the girl involved, since she was the one who said she wanted me to invite her to a cup of coffee is the one at risk, what if I was a pervert and took advantage of the situation????

Maybe I can become good friends with her and be like an older brother to her? Maybe God has put me on her path to help her with some advice??? Is that possible??? Maybe she needs a good friend.

 

[Fluffy]

Hello dear friends. Thanks for your advice in advance, I'm a 38 year old guy and I'd like to explain my situation so no misunderstandings will arise. I'm single, I've never ever have had a girlfriend in my entire life so I'm very, very shy around women; people say I look like a 25 year old guy, and that boosts my self esteem a little, etc.

Heya Benjamin, I can only hope that any advice that I give you might help you. In my personal and totally unqualified (please keep that in mind ) opinion, your problems are twofold. On the one hand you appear to have an incredibly low self esteem. On the other you appear to feel that you should or that you need to have a woman in your life. Both are contributing to your fear of rejection.

I agree with Kirby that a very effective way of losing the fear of rejection is to "bite the bullet" and simply go out and do it, knowing that everytime it will get much, much easier. Afterall, your fear is because you feel you have something to lose if you are rejected. However, the only thing you have to lose is your inhibitions which can only make you feel happier.

What a lot of people do is try and build up what is referred to as "fake confidence". The difference between this and real confidence is that firstly it is much easier to attain and secondly it allows you to give off the appearence that you are confident no matter how scared or shy you might be feeling on the inside. Almost every single person does this at some point during their lives. The benefit of it is it allows you to get past that first stage of asking her out on a date which will then transform into some real confidence on your part.

There are a number of ways to do this. One good way is to watch how other people interact and to copy what you like and what you think works and then put your own spin on it so it reflects you. This helps to remove such worries as not knowing what to say or fearing a reaction. Another way is to experiment with people where the fear of rejection is not as great. A guy friend or a person who has already rejected you are perfect for this. Just attempt to be slightly more outgoing around them and gauge their reaction. If what you do gives you positive feedback then your confidence will be boosted and at the same time you'll be better prepared to interact with someone with whom the fear of rejection is greater.

However, having said all that, to begin your first relationship with a 16 year old girl is only making this difficult on yourself. You'd have to deal with societies reactions, the immaturity and lack of experience on the part of the girl, the view of the law etc etc.

Yes, I suffer from a very low self esteem, maybe I need to visit a psychologist

You are the best judge of this. A little counselling never hurt anybody and you certainly want advice right? Well nobody is going to be able to give you better advice that a psychologist. Just keep in mind that it will not be a quick fix and will take months and months before you notice significant progress. It will come though.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck with it.

 

[michel]

Hey benjamin;

I have always gone on the premise that honesty is the best policy; If you feel as shy as you seem to, I would tell the girl - just in case she thinks you are not interested, and that she's wasting her time on you (If she does like you as much as you obviously hope).

Like others, I can only feel the pain of the obvious lonliness in your life - and I admire you for coming out and sharing this - it can't have been easy. As for people laughing at you, if anyone did, well that would show that they were worth little.

My wife has a rule that she applies to everything in life - "If you don't ask, you'll never know, and you'll never get anywhere" - and I have seen her use it where I would never have dared; she's not that confident a person either - I admire that trait.

Fluffy has given you good advice, as have others. My instinct is to tell you to tell her how you feel - as long as you keep it to yourself, you're always going to wonder "What if I had........." - which is not a very nice way to be - believe me, I know (Though obviously I'm not as shy as you). Go for it - the very worst is that she can say 'no' - and although that isn't what you want, knowing that you've made the effort to ask would be a boost to your self esteem. I wish you all the luck, and the very best; I am very saddened to hear of your plight........

 

[kreeden]

Yes, I suffer from a very low self esteem, maybe I need to visit a psychologist. .

Perhaps ? Hey , it wouldn't hurt to give it a try . So I will leave the advice to the professionals .

Maybe God has put me on her path to help her with some advice??? Is that possible??? Maybe she needs a good friend.

Everyone needs a good friend . But be careful bring divine intervention into it . God gave us free will . All of us . So I doubt that He would intervene in quite that way .

 

[benjamin]

Thanks guys, it's good to have a bunch of good friends like you who offer sound advice. Yes, my first reaction was to think that this woman is too young. Emotionally I'm a wreck, so this would scare a young person immediately and destroy my self confidence even more. I'm clinging to this "mirage of love" because it's an impossibility, right now for me to get acquanted with women. Again, I need psychotherapy. People say that I look like 25 years old, so that's a plus!
Fortunately, again, nothing has happened, it's just a friendship we have. Although she shows signs of liking me: She giggles and blushes when I'm around, and me, being as naive and inexperienced as I am, mistake that for love.
Thanks for your good wishes and in a few days I'll late you know what happens. In this delicate issues it's good to be very careful. If she was an older woman, the problem would be only my shyness.

 

[Melody]

Benjamin,

Going only by what you're saying here, it sounds as if you're forming an attachment with this young girl because she seems non-threatening compared to an adult female (because of your shyness).

While I feel for you, if I found out my 16 year old daughter (or son) was having any communication with a 38 year old man/woman...no matter how innocent....I would most likely get the law involved. Not because you're a pedophile (which this does not qualify in my opinion) but because my teenager is still a minor. If it makes you feel any better, it would not make any difference if you were 25.

I used to be painfully shy. So shy that I couldn't even talk to people unless they spoke to me first and then I'd only respond in one or two words. One day I realized (in my 20's) that I did not want to spend the rest of my life alone and I started taking (little) steps at meeting people. I started with bowling (yes I admit it) because I could join a formed team and the bowling allowed me limited social interaction with the actual bowling a common interest. It has to be a deliberate effort and it will be hard...but the rewards are great!

 

[Mike182]

ah yes, shyness. i dont think there is a real cure for it, but i think you ought to try something incredibly random, like absaling, or parachuting, or bunjee jumping! im actually serious, i used to have the self confidence of a grain of sand, but on holiday once i tried a bunjee jump, and it took a lot for me to work up to doing it, but when it was over i felt like i could do ANYTHING, sure i still get nervous and im very self aware, but by doing something completely random and out of routine, it was pushing my comfort zone, and thats the best way to move on when you feel stuck in a rut (in my oppinion ofcourse)

i will say though, i advise you stay away from free-falling, i dont think i will ever try that one :sarcastic

with regards to this 16yr old girl, the thing to be wary of (in my oppinion) is that if she gets attatched to you emotionally, thinks shes in love with you etc, and the chances are she will (teenages fall in and out of love more often than they change their socks) it will be harder to stop anything from happening, shes a developing woman, she wants to explore her sexuality (probably ) so the pressure will be on you to make sure that nothing does happen

i think you would be ill advised to get involved with her, but i dont know any of the facts involved so i will stay out of your business



a female friend of mine though, is 17, and shes fallen in 'love' with a 42 yr old, the guy works part time, has a son who is 14, lives with his parents after a messy divorce, and they have "done stuff" together. now, whether or not he's innocent, genuine etc is irrelivant, the people who care about my friend see her and a 42 yr old man and ask "whats he after?" "wheres the catch?" "he's got to be using her for sex"

im not sayign your care for her is wrong, im not saying you dont love her, but i think you should concider her parents reaction aswell - she doesnt want to end up with her parents giving her an ultimatum

i think the balls in your court

i wish you both well what every you choose

God Bless
C_P

 

[benjamin]

Well, I don't want to give the impression that I desperately need a woman. No, but it's a natural inclination and I am getting older every day. Yes, I find women my age threatening, cause they would consider me a useless human being, maybe. I consider myself useless at times, maybe it's depression.
Regarding the issue that teenagers fall in and out of love very easily, that's correct. It's dangerous also the sexual issue involved.
Yes, with God's help I'm going to find a way out. There a lots and lots of women available, so I need not to worry.
I wouldn't get the law involved (at least in my case), I would firstly talk things out to find out what the problem is. Do you think I'm not innocent? Maybe that is what is killing me. I wish I was bolder.

 

[Scott1]

Yes, with God's help I'm going to find a way out.

Well, I can't offer advice.... but I will say a prayer for ya!:shout

 

[Mike182]

Do you think I'm not innocent?

i never said you werent innocent, but from the parents point of view, it wont matter if you are or not

GOD bless

 

[benjamin]

i never said you werent innocent, but from the parents point of view, it wont matter if you are or not

GOD bless

Yes, absolutely correct. We, after all I'm an older person, not a teenager and I won't get hooked that easily. If I was, today I'd be with her risking my skin and daydreaming (which I admit I do), but reality shows itself to you because of experience at every moment though.

Most of the times people tend to think because you like (not love) a young girl you are a pervert. I like to read a lot, so maybe I'm just considering the ideal part of the affair and not the sexual. The funny part is that, according to the experience of friends, women usually prefer bolder guys who even mistreat them( not always the case, though). It's a psychological deviation I'd say. If you are nice and someone bolder comes along, maybe they'd prefer this guy to you.
I know in my city a guy 24 years older than the girl and they are married and have a baby. She is 20 and he 44. The problem with him is that he drinks a lot, which I think amounts to a codependecne relationship on her part or maybe she's too naive.
I will consider all the advice given in here by all of you, thanks.

 

[michel]

Good luck!