I need help. Don't know where to turn. Please read.

[Little Joe Gould]

I really don't know where to start. I have a lot of history, so I'll try to sum this up. I'm bipolar and have been hospitalized from everything to being too happy, to burning myself, to hearing voices, suicide attempts, and drug habits. My psychiatrists have me so drugged up all the time that up seems down and left seems right and I don't know who I am anymore; and my use of street drugs doesn't help the situation much. Over the summer months I fell back into mania, where your brain goes into overdrive basically and you can become delusional. I became completely insane. I believed some people in my life were angels, others demons, some Zen masters, and other such things. At one point in time I thought I had sold my soul to the devil based on how crazy and out of control my thoughts had become one night. I was hearing voices saying "you're evil, you're unworthy, you're a disgrace, etc.". I also have a lot of things I've done in my past to deal with that have caused me untold shame and guilt. I may have been molested when I was younger but I have blocked out the memories, but some strange memories still remain. I also molested my sister for a period of years while we shared a room in high school and after coming to Christ and realizing how horrible it was to do what I did I've been horribly depressed and I randomly start crying a lot of the time. Lately, I've been so depressed I've narrowed my options to running away, becoming institutionalized, becoming a monk, or committing suicide. My mom is currently homeless and going through a rough time herself; she also has mental difficulties, just not as bad as me. I've felt like all the love I felt when I first came to Christ is gone. I feel like a hollow shell. I've balled lying in my bed praying that God would teach me how to love again, but it doesn't come back. I just want to feel alive again. I want to be able to look into people's eyes and see life and compassion once more. If there is anyone who has dealt with bipolar illness or clinical depression and has made it through with the Lord please give me some advice. I'm depressed. My body aches all over to know love again.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

For the love of God get professional help.

Where you partially wasted when you wrote this?

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Anyway, to me it sounds like classical schizophrenia, and that can only be treated with prescription medication and diagnosed by a licensed health care professional.

Of course, it seems that you care as little for that as you do about your life - otherwise you wouldn't be posting this stuff here (and using illicit drugs).

Help yourself. Quit using drugs, stop drinking alcohol as a first step - both of those things make mental health issues worse - and see a doctor.

DUH

 

[Little Joe Gould]

No I was sober. But then again sober for me probably isn't completely sober for someone else. I do have professional help, but those people don't really understand what it is I go through. I just wondered if there was anyone on here who knew what it was like to go through something like this.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

No I was sober. But then again sober for me probably isn't completely sober for someone else. I do have professional help, but those people don't really understand what it is I go through. I just wondered if there was anyone on here who knew what it was like to go through something like this.

Yeah, there are. There's a mental health survivor's forum somewhere on RF. http://www.religiousforums.com/forum/survivors-circle/

Do you happen to know the suicide rate for people like you who use illicit drugs and alcohol? (it's somewhere close to 90%)

 

[3.14]

don't kill yourself its traumatic for your familie, first step is to distance yourself from illigal drugs then slow down on your alcohol intake since it can mess with medication, it also helps to keep a journal of what you have been doing and take a hobby something that doesn't create stress to keep you occupied and join a religion doesn't matter wich one as long as it gives you guidance and dicipline

 

[Heneni]

I really don't know where to start. I have a lot of history, so I'll try to sum this up. I'm bipolar and have been hospitalized from everything to being too happy, to burning myself, to hearing voices, suicide attempts, and drug habits. My psychiatrists have me so drugged up all the time that up seems down and left seems right and I don't know who I am anymore; and my use of street drugs doesn't help the situation much. Over the summer months I fell back into mania, where your brain goes into overdrive basically and you can become delusional. I became completely insane. I believed some people in my life were angels, others demons, some Zen masters, and other such things. At one point in time I thought I had sold my soul to the devil based on how crazy and out of control my thoughts had become one night. I was hearing voices saying "you're evil, you're unworthy, you're a disgrace, etc.". I also have a lot of things I've done in my past to deal with that have caused me untold shame and guilt. I may have been molested when I was younger but I have blocked out the memories, but some strange memories still remain. I also molested my sister for a period of years while we shared a room in high school and after coming to Christ and realizing how horrible it was to do what I did I've been horribly depressed and I randomly start crying a lot of the time. Lately, I've been so depressed I've narrowed my options to running away, becoming institutionalized, becoming a monk, or committing suicide. My mom is currently homeless and going through a rough time herself; she also has mental difficulties, just not as bad as me. I've felt like all the love I felt when I first came to Christ is gone. I feel like a hollow shell. I've balled lying in my bed praying that God would teach me how to love again, but it doesn't come back. I just want to feel alive again. I want to be able to look into people's eyes and see life and compassion once more. If there is anyone who has dealt with bipolar illness or clinical depression and has made it through with the Lord please give me some advice. I'm depressed. My body aches all over to know love again.

I suspect you have had some or all of the following thoughts:

1. You are worthless and evil
2. Look at yourself: there is nothing beautiful or handsome about you.
3. You are flawed and sick.
4. The favor of god has left you
5. You'll have to prove your worth to god
6. You might as well give up
7. Things will never change
8. It would have been better if you were never created.
9. You are a mistake
10. God regrets having made you
11. End it now and be done with it. If you do, the pain will stop.

Shame and guilt makes us run away from god. I know this is very hard for you to believe at the moment,but that which your flesh has done, is not who you are. Shame and guilt is what adam and eve knew all about when they slipped up. Instead of running towards god they ran away from him. But what they did (sin) did not change who they were (children of god) It doesnt take much for god to remove all the shame and guilt you feel from you. Isnt he the one that purifies us? We all need purifying. It takes courage and humility to run towards god instead of away from him. Remember that if god is willing to love you, who are you to argue? Your past does not have to be your future.

Remember those days when you first fell in love with him. Think over it. Ask god for it to return. Whatever you do...dont shy away from telling him how you feel. Tell him your troubles. And trust him. Shame and guilt does not serve you any purpose. Repentance does. God specialises in taking that which is completely broken and bashed up, and fixes it.

Most importantly. Your best days are still ahead.

If you feel like you cant love anymore...pray...god please help me to love again.
If you feel likeyou are unable to feel love anymore..pray...god please help me to feel love again.

Just keep on running...towards him. As you run...the shame and the guilt, the baggage will fall away...

I pray that god will strenghten you, stir up your memories of him, give you back your thirst and hunger...and most of all i pray that you will be restored.

Lots of love
heneni

 

[Little Joe Gould]

I suspect you have had some or all of the following thoughts:

1. You are worthless and evil
2. Look at yourself: there is nothing beautiful or handsome about you.
3. You are flawed and sick.
4. The favor of god has left you
5. You'll have to prove your worth to god
6. You might as well give up
7. Things will never change
8. It would have been better if you were never created.
9. You are a mistake
10. God regrets having made you
11. End it now and be done with it. If you do, the pain will stop.

Shame and guilt makes us run away from god. I know this is very hard for you to believe at the moment,but that which your flesh has done, is not who you are. Shame and guilt is what adam and eve knew all about when they slipped up. Instead of running towards god they ran away from him. But what they did (sin) did not change who they were (children of god) It doesnt take much for god to remove all the shame and guilt you feel from you. Isnt he the one that purifies us? We all need purifying. It takes courage and humility to run towards god instead of away from him. Remember that if god is willing to love you, who are you to argue? Your past does not have to be your future.

Remember those days when you first fell in love with him. Think over it. Ask god for it to return. Whatever you do...dont shy away from telling him how you feel. Tell him your troubles. And trust him. Shame and guilt does not serve you any purpose. Repentance does. God specialises in taking that which is completely broken and bashed up, and fixes it.

Most importantly. Your best days are still ahead.

If you feel like you cant love anymore...pray...god please help me to love again.
If you feel likeyou are unable to feel love anymore..pray...god please help me to feel love again.

Just keep on running...towards him. As you run...the shame and the guilt, the baggage will fall away...

I pray that god will strenghten you, stir up your memories of him, give you back your thirst and hunger...and most of all i pray that you will be restored.

Lots of love
heneni

Yeah, I've had each one of those thoughts. And yeah, once more I have been running away from God it seems. Thank you so much for the encouraging words. It brought tears to my eyes.

 

[Father Heathen]

Anyway, to me it sounds like classical schizophrenia, and that can only be treated with prescription medication and diagnosed by a licensed health care professional.

Of course, it seems that you care as little for that as you do about your life - otherwise you wouldn't be posting this stuff here (and using illicit drugs).

Help yourself. Quit using drugs, stop drinking alcohol as a first step - both of those things make mental health issues worse - and see a doctor.

DUH

Why do you think people turn to drugs and alcohol in the first place? And people with problems for obvious reasons can't simply stop with a snap of the fingers.

DUH

 

[ChristineES]

Drugs won't help you with bipolar. My brother also is bipolar. He has treated it in the past with excessive alcohol. Now in addition to everything else, he has cirrhosis of the liver and will die if he doesn't stop drinking.
I have clinical depression and I take Prozac and wellbutrin both and I live a productive if not always happy life. I don't drink, the doctors all say that my meds and alcohol and drugs do not mix and can have disastrous results.
Get some professional help. They have been trained and educated to help people with your disorder. It is a medical condition and it needs medical treatment.

God bless you, Little Joe. I will pray for you and keep praying.

 

[Charity]

I have depression and I understand some of what you are going through. I have been on Zoloft, but I don't have to stat on it continuously. You don't know if your medication that the professionals can help your or not because if you mix other drugs or alcohol with your medication it renders it ineffective. I will also be praying for you that you can pull your self together and get your life under control and turn it over to God. Try seeking further medical help first of all, because you can't think logically with everything you have going on....I know you can do this with God's help, I have seen members of my family and some friends fight this battle and come out victorously. You just have to want it badly enough.

 

[Troublemane]

.... I just want to feel alive again. I want to be able to look into people's eyes and see life and compassion once more. If there is anyone who has dealt with bipolar illness or clinical depression and has made it through with the Lord please give me some advice. I'm depressed. My body aches all over to know love again.

I know what that feels like. When I had my own spiritual awakening a few years ago, it happened at the same time as my entire world coming apart. I recall feeling like my brain was on fire, like my soul was actually sizzling, like it was frying. It was a bad feeling. BUT----maybe it was a sort of purgatory. I did a lot of terrible things when I was younger, and as I began to become "awakened" in my Spirit, I was also becoming aware of the terrible things I did, and maybe the massive depression was a kind of hellish, burning time---where all those old things got burned away.

I'd like to think that's what happened anyway. Because they're all gone now, and Ive come out the other side with a much greater sense of openness and warmth for my fellow humans! Feel free to talk to us here anytime, Joe, there are alot of good peeps here.
May the angels come down and grant you some mercy, Little Joe. :angel2:

 

[Bucket]

I, too, re-established my relationship with God at a time of personal dispair, a time when I'd lost my parents and felt abandoned by my church family. However, I stayed open enough for God to reach in and support me. I also went for therapy, short term medication and a lot of reading on spiritual/loss matters. Please stay open to God, but continue to seek the help you need with your doctor, and perhaps therapist. Be well and safe!

 

[FFH]

Joe,

I've felt the pains of Hell in my body and soul, It's very intense and all consuming and nothing in this world seems to be able quench these flames, which seem to intensify as you rebel more, but it can be used as a cleansing and healing experience which makes one resolve to do good, rather than evil.

Evil deeds bring upon seperation from God, in my case I refused to work, sometimes that's all it is, a refusal to participate in this life. We tend to reject this life as horrible and wretched, which it is in many ways. Christ has commanded us to hate this life, but at the same time we need to make ourselves friends of "unrighteous mammon", meaning we need to find our place in this life and deal with it and move forward the best we can, even it means living a meager life, poverty stricken, God will reward us in the next life 100 fold.

I refused to go back to work after a bad motorcycle accident that left me unable to walk for a year, God was very angry with me and it seemed he turned me over to a Satanic power for a "time". After I experienced, what seemed like, fire in my body and soul, I came out of that more resolved to suck up and go back to work. I had nearly resolved to abandoning myself and giving up on this life, but Christ had other plans for my life, he came into my sorry one bedroom rented part of a house and touched my life and gave me a new hope.

We have to go through the "fire" before we are purified of all desires to sin.

"There must be an opposition in all things" ~Book of Mormon~

Anytime you try to do God's will there will be an equal opposing force come into your life, which will do all in it's power to derail you from returning to God.

Satan and his demonic angels are that opposing force and they would like nothing more than to drag you down to Hell with them for eternity. Oppose these forces that come against you by obeying the commandments of God, there is no other way.

"O wretched man that I am"

Rom. 7: 24
O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

2 Ne. 4: 17
Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

Eccl. 2: 17
Therefore I hated life; because the work that is wrought under the sun is grievous unto me: for all is vanity and vexation of spirit.

Luke 14: 26
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

 

[methylatedghosts]

Ok, I see this thread is in the "christianity" subforum, and while I'm not christian myself, I felt compelled to write a little note.

First of all, I understand that you may feel like those helping you don't understand you. That is a part of your mental condition. Trust that they understand, and trust that they have the knowledge and the means to help you.

Surround yourself with people who care about you. This will help to make a big difference in how you feel about yourself, and others - including god.

Trust that God loves you no less than he does anyone else. You are equally a part of this human race as I, as your neighbours, as anyone else. And you've been dealt a rough hand in this life, and I'm positive god understands exactly what you've been going through. I believe a line in the bible says something like "Ask and you shall have received" and another part of the bible says that forgiveness is given before you even ask. If you ask for god's love and forgiveness, you have it. Hopefully those words may provide you with some comfort, and something to hold to while you make progress.

And like others here have said - stop drugs and alcohol. The way they interact with your prescription meds can have disastrous effects, not to mention you won't be making any progress.

Take strength in that you are a child of god, and he does not abandon anyone for any reason. God is aware of you, and while you have much to battle through, you can and will get back to a god relationship you understand, if that is what you want. Choose it. Choose prescription meds. Choose doctors. Choose those who love you. Choose love. Choose a relation with god. Choose god's love. Choose life.

With love, and understanding,

Luke

 

[Shadow Wolf]

I agree you have symptoms of schizophrenia. That may be caused by your drug use though, depending on what drugs you use. Ceasing to use those drugs can help. I had a friend who went through that over a peroid of about 4 or 5 years.
I also know someone who is actually schizophrenic, and when he is not taking his meds, he is in and out of jail because of what the voices tell him.
That is something though you should definitly seek professional help for.

My girlfriend is bipolar, and unmedicated. It actually works out good. But, it was a painstaking process that took a few months of learning how it works, and what factors set her mind off.

 

[Little Joe Gould]

Thank you guys for all your posts. I know what you mean by the "fire" that feels all-consuming to the soul. I feel like you guys do understand where I'm coming from. It is most definitely a spiritual battle with me against demonic forces. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of doing it.

 

[Charity]

Thank you guys for all your posts. I know what you mean by the "fire" that feels all-consuming to the soul. I feel like you guys do understand where I'm coming from. It is most definitely a spiritual battle with me against demonic forces. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of doing it.

Why wait? you said you know what to do, just do it. There are people praying for you.............................

 

[stacey bo bacey]

I'll be thinking about you and sending good energy your way, Little Joe. You're already half way there because you recognize there is a grave problem. That's one thing to be happy about!

 

[FFH]

Thank you guys for all your posts. I know what you mean by the "fire" that feels all-consuming to the soul. I feel like you guys do understand where I'm coming from. It is most definitely a spiritual battle with me against demonic forces. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of doing it.

If you're old enough, get a job, any job and start working toward something you really want in this life, whatever it might be that is good. For me it's bullet bikes, which keeps me going for some reason, through this aweful life. I look at different styles, types, etc.

This life is no good compared to Heaven which awaits those who perservere through the demonic forces that come against us in this life, who are EXTREMELY jealous of us ALL OF US and will and do try with all their might to destroy us both body and soul and take away our possessions.

Christ has said...

John 10: 10
The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.
John 16: 33

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace.

In the world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."