I need help..............

[michel]

There are times when my "Christian Hat" 'comes off'........... I feel dreadful, in reflection, and it has happened today.

Unfortunately, my Wife's family (her Aunt and her Mother) are both 'manipulators'. They are permanently bewailing their (often) imaginary illnesses, and have both made sure that my wife is the only one on whom they can depend. We have had thirty years of this.............

The aunt (who is 80) has been taken into hospital, and had an ultra sound scan yesterday that revealed nothing; she permanently complains (as she has done all her life) about various (some imaginary) illnesses, and it looks like she will be in hospital for Christmas.

I have to go with my wife to visit her this afternoon.........

I do consciously make myself realize that if she is indeed noh physically ill, her noh (SP?)apparent symptoms are just as much of an illness, and that I ought to be able to feel pity for her, and be considerate and understanding. Unfortunately, whenever one of these hiatuses occur, the only thing I can focus on is the effect it has on my poor wife who is usually running hither and thither doing idiotic chores for her.

So, any prayer to help me be more Christian in the way I think and react when all this is going on would be greatly appreciated; I am not 'happy' with the way this whole business makes me feel bitter and angry........I feel really guilty.

 

[yippityyak]

Michel, i totally understand where you are coming from being irritated! My mother does the exact same thing!
But as much as it frustrates you, try to remember that you are only human, and we all have times like these!
Stay strong and know that you are in my thoughts.

 

[Paladin]

Hi Michel,

First let me congratulate you on your willingness to keep the focus where it belongs, which is on you and your feelings surrounding this situation; good for you!
You probably already know that the dynamic between your wife and the rest of the family is something you have limited influence on and I believe that God will act through you in His time if there are any openings to influence anything at all. After all you know that "...He doth the works"

Being human means we often have to just sit with our feelings on the matters we deal with. Like my old Drill sgt used to say, "You don't hafta like it, ya just gotta do it!" It would be natural to try and reject the feelings we have knowing that they are "beneath us" but that is just what keeps them at the fore front. Looking at them deeply, head on, face to face as it were can be a helpful way of dealing with them. Merton once observed that Satan is lodged in our outer self or ego and I tend to agree. Over the years I have faced down feelings like these, and even embraced them openly to find that they dissolved in the light of the attention given them.
Seek first to understand what is going on inside you and the love and compassion of Christ will fill you.

Peace

Mark

 

[Mike182]

hey Michel, you have my prayers, i hope you pull through this Christmass :hug:

 

[jacquie4000]

Michel,
It is not to always be the one to deal with this I know. I have a mother who is 72 and can not drive alot of the times and I am the one she depends on although she has a son we both work so that is not the issue. And she has a husband who I like, but he is not my father. I am always taking them to the airport and picking them up because they fly to Florida alot. Plus taking him and my mom to denist and doctor appointsments. I do not mind doing any of this but what bothers me is he has 3 daughters, two son in laws, and 2 grandchildren that can drive but I am the one they always turn to. They are always to busy. I am the only single parent out of the bunch and work full-time but I guess that does not qualify as busy....lol

Just remember Michel you are the one taking care of them and your wife so I respect you for it and I hope they can too......My hat is off to you, You are a good man. We all get upset sometimes.

 

[robtex]

Michel hang in there. I really dislike people like that in general. Talk to wife before you go and see if she agrees with your assessment. If she does make plan on how you will spend only one afternoon in the hospital (if you decide to go at all) and engage her in conversation but don't run the errands due to time constraints. Explain to her she has an expert medical staff of (insert hospital name here) to tend to her needs and you have pressing issues that must be attended to. Be brief and firm and most of all non emotional or even apathetic in your exchanges to her. You don't have to say anything mean or hurtful nor should you, but rather with tone and intonation convey the idea that on your "to do list" for the holidays she is somewhere between steaming the curtains and polishing your paper weights. The apathy will convey the message without saying the words and more importantly will hopefully make her feel that her tax-wasting hospital stay in inaffectual in recieving the emotional gratification she desires.

 

[michel]

Thank you all! I have just come back from two and a half hours at the hospital. What made it tiresome was that there were two cronies of my wife's Aunts there, and they spoke in Spanish most of the time (although they can all speak English). If it was 'ordinary' (Castillian Spanish, I could follow, but Andalucian Spanish is incomprehensible to most who don't come from there.

My wife tactfully tried to introduce English, but none of the others would have any of it.

The hospital have runendless tests on Auntie, and they are all coming back negative (predictable). She's had ultra sound, CT Scan, Xrays, Blood tests - none of which have shown anything wrong;l now she's waiting for a gastroscopy (tube with a mini TV down the throat and into the stomach) - if that shows up nothing, they might want to do the same from the other end........

What really got to me is that now that she's in hospital (which is what she adpores), she was whispering to me that she hates it there and is going to demand to go home for Christmas; the trouble is, now that she's there, they won't let her go until they find out what is supposedly wrong with her.

That, and the fact that she and my Mum-in-law use my wife as a permanent gopher (and she can do without the stress, with her medical problems), while I have to sit patiently, try and smile at everyone, and help my wife all I can sometimes just gets to me.

I suppose my younger son keeps me going; he phoned yesterday to ask "How's Auntie who keeps eating houses ?"........"Munch housens".......I really enjoyed that one.:biglaugh:

Well, I have been through the mill with both my Parents, and now we're down to two on my wife's side........and we are not allowed to go on holidays incase anything happens to either of them - because "My wife is the only one who can deal with them"

Patience is a virtue, Virtue is a Grace, and grace .................

Prayers greatefully received....

 

[lizskid]

You and your wife certainly have my prayers, Michel. While you and your wife have it figured out, try to let it suck you in too far. Don't be available all the time, make them wait a bit....you have lives, too. Maybe they will actually find something....wouldn't that be poetic justice? Something easy to fix, I would hope.

 

[Random]

I'll think of you as I light three candles for the Blessed Virgin in Church, Michel: I can't promise an intercession but a man who exudes as much effortless goodness as you won't be abandoned from above if there is any just God watching. Peace and happiness be upon you. Stay strong and remember accepting human weakness is the greatest test of true faith there is.

best,
Conor

 

[Mister_T]

I've got family members who pull similar stunts. All you can do is like you said, patience and lots of it. I know how terribly frustrating that is. You will be in my prayers.

 

[Tigress]

I have family like that. My guess is that it's some sort of mental problem, or a cry for attention. Either way, I understand your frustration. It's difficult to look at a person like that and have any respect for them, even if there is an underlying problem. Just keep hanging in there. :hug:

 

[michel]

The very worst is that I was talking to my wife today, about the Aunt. Some of the things I heard today made my hair curl; however, that is not for this forum - and it affects my poor wife, who, I am sure would be desolated if she was aware I was sharing some of the worse anecdotes.

Apparently, when she and my Mother in Law were in their teens, Auntie used to bandage her legs (although she had nothing wrong with her), to get noticed by the boys, who would ask her what was wrong, and try to console her.

It is sad, and it is an ilness; there must be something dreadfully wrong with her - mentally - to need to be the centre of attention......