I hesitate to offer input, but because I’ve been in your shoes before, I’m hoping you’ll be open to my thoughts. My thoughts are basically this: Religion can be truly rewarding, and it can also represent a host of human values that we all hold dear, but it does not represent the entirety and the complexity of the human soul. You are wonderfully unique; an independent soul. Never change. If what you want is spiritual community, then go and find spiritual community. But know that if what you’re looking for is something that will totally and perfectly represent you, it does not exist. The vastness of who you are cannot be contained within a single religion.
The vastness of who G!d or Spirit is can also not be contained by such.
If what you want is connection with Spirit, the only way to do that is directly. But if you want community, absolutely seek community, and just know that, as with everything, there will be things about it that resonate, and things that do not. And maybe that’s okay. There may even be things that offend you. But to be a part of a community, you must accept the good with the bad; the holy with the unholy. There is always both.
I went in and out of countless spiritual communities before I landed on one that I committed to. I had always felt like an outsider; like everyone was totally in agreement about the tenets of whatever religion it was I was visiting, and I was the only one who had problems with it. I never fit in.
Whatever it was, I felt like
this religion couldn’t be for me because I’m not white enough (neo-Paganism),
this couldn’t be for me because I’m not graceful enough (Christianity),
this couldn’t work because I believe in G!d (Buddhism). That last one was kind of a big deal. When I first started studying Judaism, I fell in love. But when I started exploring communities and learning more of the realities of daily Jewish life, up came issues once again that I pretty seriously took exception to. Instead of doing what I normally would do, which is run away and search for something new, I forced myself to sit with them: each of the things I didn’t get or didn’t like. Instead of deciding that Judaism, too, was not for me, I allowed myself the time to learn how to embrace it as a whole, despite its shortcomings. (I say that in sincerity; every religion on earth has its shortcomings, and Judaism is no exception.)
Much later, after my formal conversion, I now reap the benefits of sticking it through. I feel that I belong here; I feel like something in my soul has been complete. But I could’ve only gotten to this place after I’d accepted and embraced even the parts I didn’t resonate with. Because to truly love something, to truly understand it and belong to it, you have to acknowledge the mucky stuff. You have to own it.
If what you’re afraid of is conformity, that’s easy. Just don’t conform. But there’s a place for non-conformists in religion, too. You can maintain your individuality while showing up for others in a meaningful way.
Wishing you the best of luck.