I should be happy

[Trailblazer]

Well maybe change is what you need, if you have yourself completely booked up so you can't or don't feel you have time for anything else, then it is not so weird that you feel a little down or stressed

I do have 'some' time, I just have NO motivation to do anything different.

 

[Truthseeker]

I cannot remember exactly how long ago it was, probably over 10 years ago, when a therapist I was seeing told me ‘I should be happy’ because of all that I have – a good job, a house, and a husband. Most people would be happy if they had all of that, she said.

Come to think of it I remember you saying that to me that a therapist told you this. For some reason my memory wasn't jogged until now, after our Zoom meeting.

Now I have a good job, and more financial security than I have ever had, and none of my eight cats are sick or dying, but I cannot say I am happy. My new therapist does not consider me clinically depressed, so I do not need drugs, just changes in my life, and she is trying to help me with some kind of treatment plan. I don’t know how much help that is going to be because I feel completely stuck. As long as I am alone, I am not going to be motivated to do anything different from the basic humdrum routine. I may never retire although I have been eligible for five years and I do not need the income from my job.

I wasn't clinically depessed during my depression, but my therapist saw no problem in my taking drugs for depression anyway. I didn't find out until midway during my therapy with her that most people who are not clinically depressed come out of it with therapy within a reasonable amount of time. Your situation is not the same as mine was back in the day, because there came a point where the conditions of my life changed and the depression went away after a while. What changed is that Sara stopped constantly talking about Jim Hagan, and how the LSA of Kettering did nothing to help the situation. I realized that was the source of my depression because of my therapy sessions. She said considerably less about that after that, which helped her as well as me. Her effort of helping me that way benefitted her as well. Anyway, at some point because there was a strong component of anger in depression they gave me Haldol. Guess what? When I insisted on getting off Haldol, that's when I came down with Tardive Dyskenesia as a reaction to me getting off of that. In the long run drugs do not help in these situations because of the side effects. I know that now.

Anyway, I do understand that you are stuck, because when is your situation going to change? You have no husband, and it is taking a toll on you in your desire to find a husband, with it's high and lows along the way. I can't say you will never find a husband because I don't know, but for now, it seems your situation is never ending after 6 months of search.

Being a believer is not a cure-all for all of life’s problems. If one more Baha’i tells me ‘I should be happy’ because I have God and the Baha’i Faith I am going to scream! That is easy for them to say since they all have the same spouses who they have had for decades. It is impossible for them to understand how I feel, and they usually don’t even try to. This is one reason I am keeping to myself rather than going to their meetings, as it would only make me feel worse, and I cannot afford to feel any worse right now.

Yes, you fear that's how it will be because you've had that here in this forum. I don't blame you for fearing that. I would be too in your position, as well as I can put myself in your shoes.

To add to this, I don’t want to read about, think about, or talk about religion anymore, as it only makes me feel worse, so the life I had is gone, in more ways than one.

Why does that one make you feel worse? Because of all the conflict over that you've had in forums? You would feel worse also if you read and thought about it also? Can't really put myself in your shoes on that one right now. I've reached my limitation on that for now.

 

[Trailblazer]

I do have a question, though. If this forum is your hobby, do you think you spend more time on it than you think you should? It sounds to me that you devote a lot of time here - I wanna know what your thoughts are on that

The cats and the forums have been my hobbies, cats for a lot longer than forums, but the forums have been a hobby for the last 10 years.

When my husband was alive I was spending most of my free time on forums (this one and others I was on before I came here) since we had not spent hardly any time together for many years. Now that I am alone I am finding that my interest in the forum has dwindled, partly because my interest in religion has dwindled and partly because I am thinking more about finding another partner than anything else. It is not that I want a partner for any romantic reasons, I just want a companion and someone to help out with the cats and house, but most men want sex and romance, so it is near impossible to find a man that I am compatible with. I think the futility of this situation is making me more depressed.

 

[Truthseeker]

Good, because there's important photos to share

View attachment 71121

Oh, you're a cat person also.

 

[Truthseeker]

Those are good ideas but the problem is that I am not motivated to do anything except what I have to do, take care of the house and the cats and work

You are motivated to be my friend. That's made a difference for me.

 

[Trailblazer]

Why does that one make you feel worse? Because of all the conflict over that you've had in forums? You would feel worse also if you read and thought about it also? Can't really put myself in your shoes on that one right now. I've reached my limitation on that for now.

In case you forgot, I was never very interested in religion, and I don't think my disinterest is related to the forum debates about religion. I just don't like religion, period. I was not raised in any religion so religion has always felt foreign to me, and I was never really comfortable in Baha'i meetings saying prayers and reading Writings. You already know how I feel about God so there is no need to reiterate that, but in spite of that I struggle to have better feelings towards God.

The primary reason I started talking about God and religion on forums was because I felt it was my duty to the Faith. After that it just took on a life of its own.

I like talking about God but not religion, but unfortunately I cannot talk about one without the other coming into the conversation. I also like talking to atheists and agnostics because I think I understand how they feel about many things, and I agree with them about many things, and I would not even be a believer myself were it not for Baha'u'llah.

The reason I said "I don’t want to read about, think about, or talk about religion anymore, as it only makes me feel worse" is because I think religion is supposed to make me feel better, according to Baha'is, but when it does not make me feel better I wind up feeling even worse.

 

[Trailblazer]

Oh, you're a cat person also.

He is a big-time cat person.

 

[Trailblazer]

You are motivated to be my friend. That's made a difference for me.

Thanks Duane. At least I feel like I am good for something.

 

[Soandso]

The cats and the forums have been my hobbies, cats for a lot longer than forums, but the forums have been a hobby for the last 10 years.

When my husband was alive I was spending most of my free time on forums (this one and others I was on before I came here) since we had not spent hardly any time together for many years. Now that I am alone I am finding that my interest in the forum has dwindled, partly because my interest in religion has dwindled and partly because I am thinking more about finding another partner than anything else. It is not that I want a partner for any romantic reasons, I just want a companion and someone to help out with the cats and house, but most men want sex and romance, so it is near impossible to find a man that I am compatible with. I think the futility of this situation is making me more depressed.

Have you thought of trying asexual dating sites?

 

[Truthseeker]

n case you forgot, I was never very interested in religion, and I don't think my disinterest is related to the forum debates about religion. I just don't like religion, period. I was not raised in any religion so religion has always felt foreign to me, and I was never really comfortable in Baha'i meetings saying prayers and reading Writings. You already know how I feel about God so there is no need to reiterate that, but in spite of that I struggle to have better feelings towards God.

Okay, I know about your not being raised with any religion in your life, and how you feel about God. I didn't really know that you don't like religion. Is that exactly how you would phrase it? Religion being foreign to you I can understand given your background. But you did investigate the Baha'i Faith. I don't understand why you would investigate if you didn't like religion. Is it really dislike?

The primary reason I started talking about God and religion on forums was because I felt it was my duty to the Faith. After that it just took on a life of its own.

I like talking about God but not religion, but unfortunately I cannot talk about one without the other coming into the conversation. I also like talking to atheists and agnostics because I think I understand how they feel about many things, and I agree with them about many things, and I would not even be a believer myself were it not for Baha'u'llah.

Yes, that's true, you do prefer talking about God more than religion. Yes, coming from a background with no religion you would naturally have a affinity for them.

The reason I said "I don’t want to read about, think about, or talk about religion anymore, as it only makes me feel worse" is because I think religion is supposed to make me feel better, according to Baha'is, but when it does not make me feel better I wind up feeling even worse.

Now I understand. I don't suppose you can get away from Baha'is who say that since they are here and you want to stay here. I hope they all change that attitude. Maybe I can help.

 

[Brian2]

I cannot remember exactly how long ago it was, probably over 10 years ago, when a therapist I was seeing told me ‘I should be happy’ because of all that I have – a good job, a house, and a husband. Most people would be happy if they had all of that, she said.

The reason I was seeing a therapist at that time was because my cats had been dying one by one for many years, so I had grief as well as PTSD. Basically, she was saying I should be happy even though I was grieving. As I am also a trained therapist, I felt this was very insensitive and unprofessional of her to say this but I just blew it off at the time, although it was very hurtful.

Well, I still have the good job, and now I have three houses which I own in full, but I no longer have a husband, so what would she say now? As I recall, her husband had died rather suddenly, just like mine did, and she told me the story about that. Her point is that we all have to go on, even after we lose a loved one.

Now I have a good job, and more financial security than I have ever had, and none of my eight cats are sick or dying, but I cannot say I am happy. My new therapist does not consider me clinically depressed, so I do not need drugs, just changes in my life, and she is trying to help me with some kind of treatment plan. I don’t know how much help that is going to be because I feel completely stuck. As long as I am alone, I am not going to be motivated to do anything different from the basic humdrum routine. I may never retire although I have been eligible for five years and I do not need the income from my job.

Being a believer is not a cure-all for all of life’s problems. If one more Baha’i tells me ‘I should be happy’ because I have God and the Baha’i Faith I am going to scream! That is easy for them to say since they all have the same spouses who they have had for decades. It is impossible for them to understand how I feel, and they usually don’t even try to. This is one reason I am keeping to myself rather than going to their meetings, as it would only make me feel worse, and I cannot afford to feel any worse right now.

To add to this, I don’t want to read about, think about, or talk about religion anymore, as it only makes me feel worse, so the life I had is gone, in more ways than one.

And going too fast into another marriage or long term relationship is not meant to be a wise thing to do, especially if it is just to try to alleviate a low point in your life.

 

[Trailblazer]

Have you thought of trying asexual dating sites?

I am not asexual in orientation. I had plenty of sex when I was younger and then for various reasons I made a 'decision' that I don't want to have sex anymore. I also do not experience sexual desire, probably because of diminished hormones after menopause.

Do older people become asexual?

Nope -- some people as they age are less interested in having sex, because the sex hormones diminish. But asexuality is an orientation, not libido. Libido affects your interest in sexual activity, not your orientation.Jan 30, 2016

Can you become ACE as you age? - Older Asexuals
asexuality.org · https://www.asexuality.org › topic › 1336...

 

[Trailblazer]

Okay, I know about your not being raised with any religion in your life, and how you feel about God. I didn't really know that you don't like religion. Is that exactly how you would phrase it? Religion being foreign to you I can understand given your background. But you did investigate the Baha'i Faith. I don't understand why you would investigate if you didn't like religion. Is it really dislike?

When I initially investigated the Baha'i Faith I was not thinking about it as a religion, and I as not searching for a religion or searching for God. That is not why I was attracted to the Faith. I thought of it as a movement, peace and world unity and all of that. I also liked a lot of the social and spiritual teachings, such as oneness of mankind, elimination of prejudice, the nature of the soul and the spiritual world.

No, it is not really dislike, it is just a lack of interest in religion. It is kind of the same way with sex. I don't dislike sex, I am just not interested in sex.

Please tell me why I should be interested in religion or sex, just because most people are interested in them. I am my own person.

Yes, that's true, you do prefer talking about God more than religion. Yes, coming from a background with no religion you would naturally have a affinity for them.

I have a natural affinity for atheists and agnostics for many reasons, not the least of which is trying to reconcile a loving God with all the suffering in the human and animal world.

Now I understand. I don't suppose you can get away from Baha'is who say that since they are here and you want to stay here. I hope they all change that attitude. Maybe I can help.

Well at least you now understand. I don't care what the other Baha'is say, some of them just cannot help themselves from thinking that way, and I understand that.

 

[Trailblazer]

And going too fast into another marriage or long term relationship is not meant to be a wise thing to do, especially if it is just to try to alleviate a low point in your life.

Don't worry, that is not going to happen, unless it is the Will of God.
If I actually met someone who was interested in me and the feeling was mutual, then I would decide what to do.
So far, that is not looking very promising and I am caring less and less each day about getting remarried.

 

[Truthseeker]

I have a natural affinity for atheists and agnostics for many reasons, not the least of which is trying to reconcile a loving God with all the suffering in the human and animal world

A complete answer as usual.

When I initially investigated the Baha'i Faith I was not thinking about it as a religion, and I as not searching for a religion or searching for God. That is not why I was attracted to the Faith. I thought of it as a movement, peace and world unity and all of that. I also liked a lot of the social and spiritual teachings, such as oneness of mankind, elimination of prejudice, the nature of the soul and the spiritual world.

No, it is not really dislike, it is just a lack of interest in religion. It is kind of the same way with sex. I don't dislike sex, I am just not interested in sex.

Okay that helps clear it up in my mind. I didn't think "dislike" was the word you wanted to use. I know you better than that than to think that. However, you revere Baha'u'llah, you've told me. That is more recent, I think, though I may be wrong. It was more the ideas in the beginning. Not as a religion.

Myself I'm interested in religion, I like to explore other religions. But I guess you won't do that, and that is understandable. My preference for the Hidden Words has a lot to do with it's universality.

 

[Trailblazer]

Okay that helps clear it up in my mind. I didn't think "dislike" was the word you wanted to use. I know you better than that than to think that. However, you revere Baha'u'llah, you've told me. That is more recent, I think, though I may be wrong. It was more the ideas in the beginning. Not as a religion.

Yes, you understand what happened quite well.

Myself I'm interested in religion, I like to explore other religions. But I guess you won't do that, and that is understandable. My preference for the Hidden Words has a lot to do with it's universality.

I am interested in the Baha'i Faith since I believe it is the religion for this age so it serves a utilitarian purpose for individuals and for society, but I am not very interested in the older religions because I don't see any point looking at religions that were revealed for past ages. My current lack of interest in the Baha'i Faith is probably colored by my sordid life situation, as I don't have much of an interest in anything anymore, except the cats.

 

[Truthseeker]

My current lack of interest in the Baha'i Faith is probably colored by my sordid life situation, as I don't have much of an interest in anything anymore, except the cats.

I remember when I was depressed and the Baha'i Fath didn't mean much to me. That was more true in my first depression in the late 1990s because of the Michael situation. We were struggling to get him out of diapers at about 10 years old, and his autism stuation really hit me hard. I went to the psychiatric hospital because I wanted to jump off a building. I went there to protect myself. I even said to Sara at that time that I didn't believe in the Baha'i Faith any more. That quickly passed because that depression was brief. So that resonates with me.

 

[Curious George]

I cannot remember exactly how long ago it was, probably over 10 years ago, when a therapist I was seeing told me ‘I should be happy’ because of all that I have – a good job, a house, and a husband. Most people would be happy if they had all of that, she said.

The reason I was seeing a therapist at that time was because my cats had been dying one by one for many years, so I had grief as well as PTSD. Basically, she was saying I should be happy even though I was grieving. As I am also a trained therapist, I felt this was very insensitive and unprofessional of her to say this but I just blew it off at the time, although it was very hurtful.

Well, I still have the good job, and now I have three houses which I own in full, but I no longer have a husband, so what would she say now? As I recall, her husband had died rather suddenly, just like mine did, and she told me the story about that. Her point is that we all have to go on, even after we lose a loved one.

Now I have a good job, and more financial security than I have ever had, and none of my eight cats are sick or dying, but I cannot say I am happy. My new therapist does not consider me clinically depressed, so I do not need drugs, just changes in my life, and she is trying to help me with some kind of treatment plan. I don’t know how much help that is going to be because I feel completely stuck. As long as I am alone, I am not going to be motivated to do anything different from the basic humdrum routine. I may never retire although I have been eligible for five years and I do not need the income from my job.

Being a believer is not a cure-all for all of life’s problems. If one more Baha’i tells me ‘I should be happy’ because I have God and the Baha’i Faith I am going to scream! That is easy for them to say since they all have the same spouses who they have had for decades. It is impossible for them to understand how I feel, and they usually don’t even try to. This is one reason I am keeping to myself rather than going to their meetings, as it would only make me feel worse, and I cannot afford to feel any worse right now.

To add to this, I don’t want to read about, think about, or talk about religion anymore, as it only makes me feel worse, so the life I had is gone, in more ways than one.

Is there a time when you could say you were happy? What was it about that time that made you feel like you were happy?

 

[Secret Chief]

Oh, you're a cat person also.

Just a bit.

 

[Trailblazer]

Is there a time when you could say you were happy? What was it about that time that made you feel like you were happy?

I have struggled for most of my adult life and I cannot remember much about childhood. I might have been happy intermittently since I got married in 1985, but that was many years ago. I can remember when I first got married and for about the first 15 years, during the time when I went back to grad school and when my husband and I were close, I was happy sometimes.

I cannot remember being happy for a long time, for the last 22 years. Even when my husband was alive I was unhappy, since I was stressed all the time. In 2002 I lost my job and had to take a much lower level job for eight years, till I finally got a job back in my field in 2010. For about 20 years i had cats sick and dying all the time and since 2010 I have had incessant problems with tenants and rental houses, as well as stress at work. There was also stress in my marriage during this time.

The unhappiness I feel is different now, it is a kind of emptiness and lack of will to go on living. I know what my life purpose is but I cannot fulfill it because I don't know how to do it alone, and I lack motivation. At least when my husband was alive I had him to care for so I was fulfilling a purpose, now all I have left are the cats.