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I want a Christian wedding but my parents...

V

Vintagegold

Member
They want me to have two weddings-- one in their religious beliefs and then a Christian one. I already told them, sorry but I don't believe in that religion anymore and I am Christian, and my fiance and I will have a Christian wedding. This isn;t going over too well.

I am in my mid-twenties, so it's not like I'm a 17 year old telling my parents off about religious beliefs. I chose to be a Christian and that's what I believe in, and that's what my fiance believes in. But my parents keep telling me that they're afraid of what other family members will say, and that I'm going to disgrace them, and that I "can't change my stripes" and I am *not* really a Christian.

This is starting to really frustrate me and p*#@ me off. Ever since I got engaged they haven't respected a single boundary and I'm thinking of threatening them with elopement-- yes I know that is cruel-- but my parents practically need to be slapped upside the head before they want to listen.

How do I get past this without stirring up grudges or harsh feelings? How do I get them to respect my beliefs and wishes without offending theirs? Goodness knows being a Christian offends them enough!
 
ChristineES

ChristineES

Tiggerism
Premium Member
Unfortunately, you may never get your parents to accept that you have a different belief than they do. All you can do is tell them that you respect their beliefs and that it is your wedding and that you want it Christian. You can't force them to accept it; only they can do that. I think it is sad for you to have to go through this, since I can see that you love them dearly despite your frustration. Hopefully someone else will have some better advice than I can give.
 
A

angellous_evangellous

Guest
Vintagegold said:
They want me to have two weddings-- one in their religious beliefs and then a Christian one. I already told them, sorry but I don't believe in that religion anymore and I am Christian, and my fiance and I will have a Christian wedding. This isn;t going over too well.

I am in my mid-twenties, so it's not like I'm a 17 year old telling my parents off about religious beliefs. I chose to be a Christian and that's what I believe in, and that's what my fiance believes in. But my parents keep telling me that they're afraid of what other family members will say, and that I'm going to disgrace them, and that I "can't change my stripes" and I am *not* really a Christian.

This is starting to really frustrate me and p*#@ me off. Ever since I got engaged they haven't respected a single boundary and I'm thinking of threatening them with elopement-- yes I know that is cruel-- but my parents practically need to be slapped upside the head before they want to listen.

How do I get past this without stirring up grudges or harsh feelings? How do I get them to respect my beliefs and wishes without offending theirs? Goodness knows being a Christian offends them enough!
Click to expand...

I dunno. Just make up your mellon and do it. It's your wedding, and not theirs unless they are paying for it. ;)

If push comes to shove, just tell them that you and your fiance are meeting with a pastor on day X and they can come if they want.
 
MaddLlama

MaddLlama

Obstructor of justice
Really, as long as they're not the ones paying for the ceremony, you can do whatever you like. Wedding etiquette dictates that your family only really has a good amount of sway in decisions if they're paying for that aspect of it.

It may be upsetting to them, but they do need to know that this is your wedding, not theirs.
 
T

Truth_Faith13

Well-Known Member
Vintagegold said:
They want me to have two weddings-- one in their religious beliefs and then a Christian one. I already told them, sorry but I don't believe in that religion anymore and I am Christian, and my fiance and I will have a Christian wedding. This isn;t going over too well.

I am in my mid-twenties, so it's not like I'm a 17 year old telling my parents off about religious beliefs. I chose to be a Christian and that's what I believe in, and that's what my fiance believes in. But my parents keep telling me that they're afraid of what other family members will say, and that I'm going to disgrace them, and that I "can't change my stripes" and I am *not* really a Christian.

This is starting to really frustrate me and p*#@ me off. Ever since I got engaged they haven't respected a single boundary and I'm thinking of threatening them with elopement-- yes I know that is cruel-- but my parents practically need to be slapped upside the head before they want to listen.

How do I get past this without stirring up grudges or harsh feelings? How do I get them to respect my beliefs and wishes without offending theirs? Goodness knows being a Christian offends them enough!
Click to expand...

My advice is the same as in the other thread - make it their choice. they either let you be or lose you. A tempory non communication to show them your serious wouldnt hurt and I know i am sounding evil, but the way I see it is if they cause problems for you and dont respect your wishes - they are not worth your time, parents or not. I you were to step on a needle you wouldnt keep your foot there would you? You would move it. Do the same here - your parents are causing you pain so distance your self from them - if they dont respond to that, then if it were me, they wouldnt be worth my time!

Im curious what religion are they?

I hope all works out for you! :)
 
T

Truth_Faith13

Well-Known Member
Nanda said:
Not that I disagree with what others have already said in any way, I just want to point out that her parents are, in fact, paying for it: http://www.religiousforums.com/forum/showthread.php?t=53003
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I see what you mean nanda - but what I said to her in the other post is she doesnt want to spend much anyway she wants a meaningful, throughtful simple wedding - so it is more than likely that she can pay for it herself. I suggested making that so so that her mother didnt have than hang over her!

It is a difficult one - does that fact that the mother is paying for it, give her the right to have every single say if it makes her daughter unhappy?
 
michel

michel

Administrator Emeritus
Staff member
Vintagegold said:
They want me to have two weddings-- one in their religious beliefs and then a Christian one. I already told them, sorry but I don't believe in that religion anymore and I am Christian, and my fiance and I will have a Christian wedding. This isn;t going over too well.

I am in my mid-twenties, so it's not like I'm a 17 year old telling my parents off about religious beliefs. I chose to be a Christian and that's what I believe in, and that's what my fiance believes in. But my parents keep telling me that they're afraid of what other family members will say, and that I'm going to disgrace them, and that I "can't change my stripes" and I am *not* really a Christian.

This is starting to really frustrate me and p*#@ me off. Ever since I got engaged they haven't respected a single boundary and I'm thinking of threatening them with elopement-- yes I know that is cruel-- but my parents practically need to be slapped upside the head before they want to listen.

How do I get past this without stirring up grudges or harsh feelings? How do I get them to respect my beliefs and wishes without offending theirs? Goodness knows being a Christian offends them enough!
Click to expand...

That's all very sad; I think the answers to your last questions can only be understood by your being frank with your parents - mand by asking them the questions you have asked us i.e
How do I get past this without stirring up grudges or harsh feelings? How do I get them to respect my beliefs and wishes without offending theirs? Goodness knows being a Christian offends them enough!
Click to expand...

Be open, positive, and explain that you don't want to hurt them, but that they must accept that your needs need to be met. That the last thing you want is for bad feeling, and that you would be glad to reach some kind of compromise........Imagine you are explaining all this to your own daughter (you are the Mum - and you can get the feel of your parent's shoes, as well as your own). Be patient, kind, try not to row (however hard that is) - but explain that the most important need of yours is to avoid trouble between you all - though that also includes having your needs met.
 
Nanda

Nanda

Polyanna
Dream Angel said:
I see what you mean nanda
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I didn't actually mean anything, I just noticed that she had posted another thread that answered the question of who was paying for what. I actually have little to no opinion on weddings. Didn't have one, myself - pretty much to avoid crap like this.
 
T

Truth_Faith13

Well-Known Member
Nanda said:
I didn't actually mean anything, I just noticed that she had posted another thread that answered the question of who was paying for what. I actually have little to no opinion on weddings. Didn't have one, myself - pretty much to avoid crap like this.
Click to expand...

Bit jumpy tonight, you ok? I was just saying i agree about her parents are paying.
 
Nanda

Nanda

Polyanna
Dream Angel said:
Maybe I am - I just find it strange when I tell people I agree with them and they turn round and say thats not what I meant?
Click to expand...

No, no, all I was saying was that I didn't have a meaning at all - I wasn't trying to make a point, just providing information. Because, like I said, I don't feel one way or the other about the subject. That's all.
 
CaptainXeroid

CaptainXeroid

Following Christ
*** MOD POST ***​

Gentle reminder...this thread is in DIR:Christianity. Please take the personal and off-topic chit-chat off line and keep the posts on the subject of a Christian wedding that is against the parents' wishes. Thank you.
 
CaptainXeroid

CaptainXeroid

Following Christ
First, you have my sympathies. I can only imagine what it is like to not share the same faith with your parents. :(

There is no easy way out of this, but ultimately you and your fiance have to decide whose wedding this is. Yours or your parent's.

If it's your parent's wedding, allow them to pay for it and acquiesce to their wishes.

If it's your wedding, pay for it yourselves and invite your parents as guests.

I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but you have to decide what is important, inform your parents of your decision, and act like an adult yourself.

Truthfully, there is no way getting around this without stirring up grudges or harsh feelings. That is a natural consequence of being an adult and making decisions for your life, particularly when family members do not agree with your decisions.

I wish you success in asserting yourself with your parents and a long happy married life. :)
 
V

Vintagegold

Member
I just wanted to point out to everyone-- My parents are NOT paying for it. They WANT to pay for it (actually my mom does more so) so they can make decisions that they want. My fiance and I would rather pay for it ourselves-- we don't see the need to have our parents shell money out of their savings or 401(k)s simply because my fiance and I didn't have the foresight to save ourselves.

However if my parents OFFER to pay for a few small things, especially if it helps them feel like a valuable asset to the wedding planning, my fiance and I don't really want to flat out deny them (or even his parents) but the last thing we want this to be is a power struggle like a 3 year old who gets to decide what clothes they can wear with their mother:

"WAAAH WAAH you said I could wear anything I want mommy!"
"NO, I said you could help me pick out what you would like to wear, but mommy makes the final say."
"NO! You said I could pick and I want what I want!!"

See what I mean (and yes I've seen this happen before with a young cousin of mine :p).

I have a friend who got married and she and her fiance paid for 90% of it. However when their parents realized that they wouldn't be contributing, it made them feel left out and "useless" as parents (if that makes sense) so my friend and her now-husband decided to keep a portion of their wedding budget for their house down payment and offer to their parents to help for the reception hall and the decorations. Their parents were happy to help and offered their suggestions and opinions-- which did have merits-- but ultimately the final decisions were up to the couple. That's what my fiance and I were sorta hoping would happen with my parents but unfortunately...it doesn't seem so.

I don't live with my mother so every now and then she'll try to get me to go to temple with her (my parents are Jain) and when I tell her I'd rather not, she tends to get upset. What tends to really upset her is when people apparently from temple go up to her and say "hey where's your eldest daughter? she still goes to temple right?" usually with inquisitive yet stern faces and my mom feels like she's under pressure (which I don't blame her). That's when I tell her to just politely tell those people that I'm rather busy (which is true most of the time), my mom flips out.

My mom wants to try so hard to give other people the impression that I'm still "a good girl" (which I would say I am, but that means I'd still have to be Jain) but it's just not possible to please everyone....or her.
 
T

Truth_Faith13

Well-Known Member
Vintagegold said:
I just wanted to point out to everyone-- My parents are NOT paying for it. They WANT to pay for it (actually my mom does more so) so they can make decisions that they want. My fiance and I would rather pay for it ourselves-- we don't see the need to have our parents shell money out of their savings or 401(k)s simply because my fiance and I didn't have the foresight to save ourselves.

However if my parents OFFER to pay for a few small things, especially if it helps them feel like a valuable asset to the wedding planning, my fiance and I don't really want to flat out deny them (or even his parents) but the last thing we want this to be is a power struggle like a 3 year old who gets to decide what clothes they can wear with their mother:

"WAAAH WAAH you said I could wear anything I want mommy!"
"NO, I said you could help me pick out what you would like to wear, but mommy makes the final say."
"NO! You said I could pick and I want what I want!!"

See what I mean (and yes I've seen this happen before with a young cousin of mine :p).

I have a friend who got married and she and her fiance paid for 90% of it. However when their parents realized that they wouldn't be contributing, it made them feel left out and "useless" as parents (if that makes sense) so my friend and her now-husband decided to keep a portion of their wedding budget for their house down payment and offer to their parents to help for the reception hall and the decorations. Their parents were happy to help and offered their suggestions and opinions-- which did have merits-- but ultimately the final decisions were up to the couple. That's what my fiance and I were sorta hoping would happen with my parents but unfortunately...it doesn't seem so.

I don't live with my mother so every now and then she'll try to get me to go to temple with her (my parents are Jain) and when I tell her I'd rather not, she tends to get upset. What tends to really upset her is when people apparently from temple go up to her and say "hey where's your eldest daughter? she still goes to temple right?" usually with inquisitive yet stern faces and my mom feels like she's under pressure (which I don't blame her). That's when I tell her to just politely tell those people that I'm rather busy (which is true most of the time), my mom flips out.

My mom wants to try so hard to give other people the impression that I'm still "a good girl" (which I would say I am, but that means I'd still have to be Jain) but it's just not possible to please everyone....or her.
Click to expand...

well there you are then, if your mum isnt paying! definitely do what you like! Im still going for the stopping communication (temporarily hopefully)! Tell your mum to go round the world or something with that sort of money - she cant spend all that on a wedding anyway!
 
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