If your child's religion is different.

[Draka]

I have often heard people, especially the younger ones, lamenting about how their family won't accept them because of their religion choice. This happens very frequently especially with very differing religions. Not just talking a different denomination, but a whole different belief philosophy.

Now, for my question: How would you think you would honestly react to a child of yours coming out to you that they totally are not what you are in terms of religion and that they have decided to prescribe to a religion that is extremely different to yours?

 

[muichimotsu]

Presuming I had a child, I would probably be like my parents and let the child decide their beliefs for themselves and be free to make mistakes, learn more about religious traditions, etc.

My parents really don't seem to confront me about the fact that I will hardly ever go to church and am clearly not prescribing to their Christian beliefs, which have been in teh family for undoubtedly many generations. Most of them Baptist, lol. And then we go Presbyterian and I still get scared away, lol.

 

[uu_sage]

[SIZE=+0]If I were to raise children, I would raise them in my current faith of Unitarian Universalism complete with the freedom of conscience, to learn of the world's religions, philosophies and cultures and all that other great stuff. I feel that children need to have a broad understanding of others and to ground them in one tradition is bland lacking any diversity. When some of their friends ask if my child(ren) want to go to a service with them I would approve of the decision so long I understood what sort of tradition it is and learn of their beliefs, ect. I will not allow them to go to a place that encourages bigotry, intolerance, or dogmatism. I want my children to feel comfortable when going and not feel like people are trying to convert them. At the moment of adolescence I would encourage them to be a part of the Coming of Age (COA) program where they could bone up on their UU hertiage but at the same time examine other traditions, visit other places of worship and at the Coming of Age service they can present their own "credo" of what they believe and hold true. On the other hand, if they choose a tradition that is not of my own then it is peachy keen by me. I had no choice in my religious upbringing, and it was miserable. I want to give them the opportunity I was never given in my earlier years. I didn't discover UU until I turned 18.[/SIZE]

 

[Katzpur]

I have often heard people, especially the younger ones, lamenting about how their family won't accept them because of their religion choice. This happens very frequently especially with very differing religions. Not just talking a different denomination, but a whole different belief philosophy.

Now, for my question: How would you think you would honestly react to a child of yours coming out to you that they totally are not what you are in terms of religion and that they have decided to prescribe to a religion that is extremely different to yours?

Well, I can answer this one from experience. I have two grown children (ages 26 and almost 24). Neither of them has actually shown any interest in any religion than the one they grew up in (Mormonism), but neither of them is the slightest bit interested in it either. You say, "Not just talking a different denomination, but a whole different belief philosophy." Well, to me, they might as well have chosen a whole different belief philosophy. That would probably be difficult for a non-Mormon to understand, but I see their disinterest as outright rejection of all I tried to instill in them. It hurts deeply because I believe the consequences will be eternal -- or at least that they have the potential to be eternal. Incidentally, neither of my kids has officially asked to have their names removed from the records of the Church; they simply don't see the Church as important in their lives, nor do they believe that the standards the Church sets have any relevance to them.

As far as how I have reacted to their decision, I don't make a big deal about it. They both know how I feel, and that I hope to see the day when they are once again practicing Latter-day Saints. But I decided a long time ago that it was more important to me to salvage my relationship with them than it was to have my way in terms of their religious beliefs. Who am I trying to kid, anyway? I couldn't have my way even if I were determined to. They're adults and they have the right to choose for themselves. Still, I could choose to be a nag, which would only serve to estrange them. As hard as it is for me, I try to just accept that they've made a decision I feel is wrong.

 

[Comet]

EXCELLENT TOPIC! I just wanted to say that and that I am glad to see a mother to be rather soon asking of this topic

As muichimotsu stated, his parents left his views up to him. They let him explore and don't pressure him. I grew up completely the other way around. Asking questions and wanting to explore was a "bad" thing. I was allowed to read on other things when I was 10, but wasn't allowed to deviate from it until I was 15 or so. (That was only due to the embarrassment they felt from my refusal to take communion) Which is better?

It was hard to grow up that way, being forced to follow what you know you do not believe. They would always just say it is part of my religious upbringing. I still question and explore, always looking for more. Yet, I have found my faith. I see muichimotsu still searching for a faith. Which is better?

Neither is better, nor less valid than the other. As I am not your run of the mill religion/nor beleif system, it is hard for me still.... but now I am not forced, I am free. I have had to discuss this with a few people when we have talked about children as it is an important topic to me.

I have come to the conclusion that I would attend a church I don't believe in to give the child "guidance", but that I would be allowed to show the child other options when they had questions on things - rather than give the typical reply of said church. When they wanted to explore things, they would be free to do so, and if they wished to not attend said church anymore they would be allowed to do so as well.

The point was to give "limited" guidance to the child, like parents do in every aspect of a child's life. Yet, like with drugs/sex/expirience the child will carve its own path out in life regardless of what you teach or tell it. Thus, it is free to believe as it sees fit for itself. The only stipulation is that there is an open minded dialogue in regards to religion as many have that with sex/drugs/etc.....

Open dialogue, limited guidance, and an understanding that they are different from myself and should have the freedom to expirience things on their own.

 

[Feathers in Hair]

Oooo! Interesting topic!

Now, for my question: How would you think you would honestly react to a child of yours coming out to you that they totally are not what you are in terms of religion and that they have decided to prescribe to a religion that is extremely different to yours?

I think it would depend on how they approach their religion. For example, I cannot think of a path that I wouldn't be happy with them being, but I would be worried if they joined a tradition that taught that my path was evil, or without worth. (Even if that worth is only to me. ) But, I suppose, if the potential child and I were able to keep that from interfering with our relationship, I'd still be happy. Or at least I hope I'd be!

 

[Draka]

Well, I can answer this one from experience. I have two grown children (ages 26 and almost 24). Neither of them has actually shown any interest in any religion than the one they grew up in (Mormonism), but neither of them is the slightest bit interested in it either. You say, "Not just talking a different denomination, but a whole different belief philosophy." Well, to me, they might as well have chosen a whole different belief philosophy. That would probably be difficult for a non-Mormon to understand, but I see their disinterest as outright rejection of all I tried to instill in them. It hurts deeply because I believe the consequences will be eternal -- or at least that they have the potential to be eternal. Incidentally, neither of my kids has officially asked to have their names removed from the records of the Church; they simply don't see the Church as important in their lives, nor do they believe that the standards the Church sets have any relevance to them.

As far as how I have reacted to their decision, I don't make a big deal about it. They both know how I feel, and that I hope to see the day when they are once again practicing Latter-day Saints. But I decided a long time ago that it was more important to me to salvage my relationship with them than it was to have my way in terms of their religious beliefs. Who am I trying to kid, anyway? I couldn't have my way even if I were determined to. They're adults and they have the right to choose for themselves. Still, I could choose to be a nag, which would only serve to estrange them. As hard as it is for me, I try to just accept that they've made a decision I feel is wrong.

Do you ever have the subject of religion come up with them? Or is it a subject very much avoided in your family? Does there seem to be tension at all while you are together at holidays? Have you ever caught yourself "scolding" them for their choices in an attempt to "win" them back?

I ask these questions because, in all honestly, I have either known families like my own where religion is just there, but not enforced and differences are various, and families where there is obvious tension and scolding and non-acceptance. I'm curious how one reconciles their own strong beliefs with family members that they are at odds with over religion.

 

[Comet]

If it matters at all:

My parents haven't discussed religion with me for well over a decade now. I've tried to bring it up, but they won't discuss it. I guess there were too many fights over it when I was younger. My older sister has started to discuss it with me a bit though. She is just now starting to question why it is she has believed what it is she was taught.

My parents accept me and love me though, they just don't understand...... Just as well.

 

[muichimotsu]

Comet, my parents truly didn't force the beliefs on me and welcomed my questions, but now we just live like a pluralistic thing, lol. When we pray at family occasions, I just sit there. My family seems to already realize I'm not Christian, which is rare overall in both sides of my family, lol.

 

[muichimotsu]

Comet, it's startling the similiarities. My brother asks questions about God to my parents, though it doesn't seem like they're trying to answer them, lol.

 

[MaddLlama]

I say let them do whatever makes them happy in that regard. So long as they're not hurting themselves (like, involved in a cult religion like Heaven's Gate or something like that).
If I were a mother, I would not try to make those type of decisions for them. However, I do think that as a mother it would be my right to question thier motives.

 

[Draka]

Oooo! Interesting topic!



I think it would depend on how they approach their religion. For example, I cannot think of a path that I wouldn't be happy with them being, but I would be worried if they joined a tradition that taught that my path was evil, or without worth. (Even if that worth is only to me. ) But, I suppose, if the potential child and I were able to keep that from interfering with our relationship, I'd still be happy. Or at least I hope I'd be!

Therein lies the concern of Pagans in general. There are certain religious denominations that are vehemently against certain beliefs. That would be a fear of mine. That some over-bearing person would get ahold of one of my kids and make them believe that what they were raised with was evil. That would just mess them up as well as family ties and it would be difficult to fix. If my eldest daughter were to come to me in a few years and tell me that I believe an evil thing and she wanted nothing to do with me. See? It can possibly go the other way as well. It is a strange predictament.

 

[Comet]

Comet, it's startling the similiarities. My brother asks questions about God to my parents, though it doesn't seem like they're trying to answer them, lol.

My parents don't even invite me to Christmas service or Easter or any of the "big" Christian holidays anymore. They used to and I'd refuse. Funny thing now is that if they asked, I'd go if they understood what I would and would not do once there.

I will just PM you since we deviate from the OP a bit and I don't mean to take away from a topic I feel is important.

 

[Comet]

Therein lies the concern of Pagans in general. There are certain religious denominations that are vehemently against certain beliefs. That would be a fear of mine. That some over-bearing person would get ahold of one of my kids and make them believe that what they were raised with was evil. That would just mess them up as well as family ties and it would be difficult to fix. If my eldest daughter were to come to me in a few years and tell me that I believe an evil thing and she wanted nothing to do with me. See? It can possibly go the other way as well. It is a strange predictament.

One cannot live in fear of things. One must also believe that the ones they love would see through such transparancies that should teach them to hate the ones that love them.

 

[Draka]

One cannot live in fear of things. One must also believe that the ones they love would see through such transparancies that should teach them to hate the ones that love them.

True, and I'm not saying to live in fear, just that there are a lot of "what-ifs" out there. It's hard to know what you would do in certain situations, but you can always think about it to try to prepare yourself for what may be. And disagreements over religion within a family often have straining effects on the family. Interesting to think of how to handle such things.

 

[lunamoth]

This is a great topic.

I expect my children will find their own way with repsect to religion and I hope that they have the interest to explore all different religions, including the one I am raising them in. I think that if people retain an interest in religion, or find that interest renewed at some point in life as I did, then there is a good chance they will return to the religion they were brought up in provided they were not somehow hurt along the way by that religion. Unfortunatly that happens all too often. After all the stories I've heard about from people I know (offline and online friends both) I count myself very lucky that I was raised in a progressive Christian faith that emphasizes the love of God and also values our human ability to reason.

As far as how much influence I have on my children, well, right now they go to church with me and also Sunday school and they really enjoy it. If there comes a day when they start to question religion I look forward to talking with them about it (I hope they will ask me--I try to set the tone now by answering their questions about God as best I can). I have two great experiences to draw upon. First is that I myself explored religion and converted to another religion when I returned to faith after many years of being a secular agnostic. I know that this experience was very important for my own spiritual growth and so I don't need to be afraid of similar explorations by my children.

Second I have the example set by my own mother. I don't think we ever had any kind of serious talk about religion, except the one afternoon I explained to them that I had converted to the Baha'i Faith. They were so respectful and accepting, although I'm sure in their minds they were a bit nervous. But, they trusted me. My Mother also is a person of strong and quiet faith herself. She devotes quite a lot of time to helping at church now that she's retired, but more than that it is that I can sense the deep ground she has in God and how that moves in her life. We don't talk about it--it's just there.

I returned to religion later in life, in my late thirties, so I hope I will also be able to deal with it if my kids drift away from religion altogether as I did for so many years. I would be sadder about this but I would try not to let it bother me and just keep hoping that even if they don't find Christ the way I did, they will at least find something to help them sail in life.

I think one of the most important things I can do is model my faith, but not force it on them in any way.

2 c,
luna

 

[MaddLlama]

Therein lies the concern of Pagans in general. There are certain religious denominations that are vehemently against certain beliefs. That would be a fear of mine. That some over-bearing person would get ahold of one of my kids and make them believe that what they were raised with was evil. That would just mess them up as well as family ties and it would be difficult to fix. If my eldest daughter were to come to me in a few years and tell me that I believe an evil thing and she wanted nothing to do with me. See? It can possibly go the other way as well. It is a strange predictament.

And, you would just sit back and let your daughter think that? Do you think that this hypothetical person would have more sway over what she believes about you and the religion she was raised with, even if you sat down and tried to talk to her?
I understand it's a problem, but if I were in that situation (and I could be in the future), I wouldn't let some punk Churchian tell my children that there's something wrong with me. After I explained to my child that the person's opinion was simply that, I would haul my butt to wherever I could find this person and have a little chat with them. Personally, I think in the end I would win out over a stranger or even another relative, I would hope that when I have children they would value my opinion.
I don't think that being afraid of what others might think or say is a good reason not to do something. Children are impressionable yes, but who says that can't be an advantage?

 

[Comet]

True, and I'm not saying to live in fear, just that there are a lot of "what-ifs" out there. It's hard to know what you would do in certain situations, but you can always think about it to try to prepare yourself for what may be. And disagreements over religion within a family often have straining effects on the family. Interesting to think of how to handle such things.

How true and I'm glad you look into the possible scenarios. Don't fear them though! One of my biggest attributes as well as flaws, is that I believe in people. I must say with what little I know of you (only reading posts you have made and that you are a woman having a baby): I have found you to be a smart, loving, confident, and secure human. (human for you are subject to the same fears, etc... that we all are)

Have faith in yourself, I have faith in you. Have faith in the path you have chosen, not so many are as understanding as you. You have faith, so have faith. Worry not of the day to come that one day will not, but take joy in the miracle you are about to receive in your life! :yes:

So let me just say - thank you for asking this and CONGRATS!!!!!!

 

[Katzpur]

Do you ever have the subject of religion come up with them? Or is it a subject very much avoided in your family? Does there seem to be tension at all while you are together at holidays? Have you ever caught yourself "scolding" them for their choices in an attempt to "win" them back?

We almost never talk about it. They know I'm hurt by their choices, but in neither case was their decision made with the intent to hurt me. I pretty much know that anything I might say to them along the lines of, "I wish you hadn't made the choices you made," would come across as my saying that I am disappointed in them. I don't ever want them to think that, even though it's sort of the truth. It's an awkward position for me to be in, to be perfectly honest. I just want them to be happy, but even though I feel that I know where they should be spiritually, I also know that it's a personal decision.

I think that with both of them, they did some things that "good LDS kids" don't do. I think that, in my son's case, being LDS just kind of "cramped his style," if you know what I mean, and his rebellion began at a relatively early age. My daughter, on the other hand, was the "perfect LDS girl" -- until she met her husband. I think that she lost interest in the Church because she felt kind of guilty for some of her choices and being reminded of those choices in Church was uncomfortable for her. Neither of them have ever implied that they actively disbelieve what they were taught. But, they way I see it, if they truly believed, their lives would reflect that belief.

We have a good (though not perfect) relationship. Holidays, etc. are always pleasant, and not strained. I am determined that both of my kids always know how much I love them. For this reason, I do what I can to show them. This definitely means NOT scolding them for their decisions, as I believe that would drive them further away rather than win them back. I just have to trust that God knows how hard it has been for me and that if it's important to Him that they come back to the faith in which they were raised, He'll help them realize that. I just have to leave the timing up to Him.

I ask these questions because, in all honestly, I have either known families like my own where religion is just there, but not enforced and differences are various, and families where there is obvious tension and scolding and non-acceptance. I'm curious how one reconciles their own strong beliefs with family members that they are at odds with over religion.

To me, my religion isn't "just there." It literally defines who I am. On the other hand, a huge part of the LDS faith is a belief that each human being has his agency and is free to choose for himself. I would be acting counter to what I believe if I were to try to pressure my kids to see things my way. I don't believe God would want that. But... it's hard. I really can't even begin to explain how hard it is.

 

[Katzpur]

Therein lies the concern of Pagans in general. There are certain religious denominations that are vehemently against certain beliefs. That would be a fear of mine. That some over-bearing person would get ahold of one of my kids and make them believe that what they were raised with was evil. That would just mess them up as well as family ties and it would be difficult to fix. If my eldest daughter were to come to me in a few years and tell me that I believe an evil thing and she wanted nothing to do with me. See? It can possibly go the other way as well. It is a strange predictament.

You know, I think that even when kids choose to go a different direction from their parents, if their parents have shown by the way they act that they're good people, their kids will respect that. For instance, even though my kids find Mormonism too restrictive for their tastes, I know that they respect me for having the integrity to live according to the way I believe. It's just pretty hard for me to imagine an over-bearing person being able to convince one of your kids that they were raised by evil parents who were going to burn in Hell or something like that. By the time your kids are in a position to be influenced by people like that, they'll be able to recognize that that's a bunch of crap!