Phasmid
Mr Invisible
I've been struggling to come to terms with Christianity for some time now. The more I think about it, the more absurd it seems to me.
I find confidence and peace in rational thinking. When I was a Christian, I'd always be afraid. I was afraid that God would test me every time I did something. I was afraid that my thoughts and actions would anger Him and by doing so, would effect the way He acted upon the world. In other words, I feared that if I angered Him, then He'd hurt one of my family, or do something else.
I know what any Christians reading this are thinking, “God wouldn't do that, silly”. And at the time, I knew that too, but for me, allowing myself to believe in the Christian account was tantamount to telling my brain, “If God exists then ANYTHING can happen!”
As a Christian I was also burdened with questions, which the Bible provided no answers for. Questions related to various facts like Dinosaurs, Neanderthals, Evolution, Jeremy Kial etc.
Despite all of these questions and despite feeling so low about myself and humanity in general, I still held on to my faith. I thought, “A good Christian holds on to their faith no matter what!”. But lately I've just been getting fed up with it all. Christianity has stressed me out to no end. I can't rationalise how it's fair that people would have to suffer a fate such as the Inquisition for their entry into Heaven, while all I'd have to do is live comfortably and wait for the sweet embrace of death.
In the past couple of days, I've broken my mental cycle of religious belief. Instead, I've been thinking rationally about... everything really. And for the first time, in a long, long time, I've found peace and happiness. I don't threat about the little things, I just see them for what they are. I have an exam in about 2 hours time, I'd normally be pulling my hair out and cursing, but I now see it for what it is... if I fail it, I try again, it's not a problem.
At first, this line of thinking made me feel like I was stabbing God in the back and every time I found joy in not believing in Him, it was like I was twisting that knife. But the more and more I've thought rationally and the more and more I've taken a step back to think of religion in a critical manner, the more I've felt like myself.
I think I'm now what you might call a “weak atheist”. I don't believe it's likely that there is a God, but I can't say, with absolute certainty that there isn't one. But I don't believe He's there all the same.
The “religious experiences” I had as a Christian, manifested themselves as moments of clarity and joy. I don't think that was due to God though... it was probably just a realisation of how lucky I am... and I still get that now.
I still feel like I'm lying when I say I'm an atheist. But that's likely because I've thought of atheists as the enemy for a long, long time. I still have this concept of God in my head... He's still there, but He's like a statue. It's like I've had this statue in my head to who I've attributed all the trials and victories of my life to. Now I'm just seeing a statue, who doesn't move... He just stairs with dead eyes.
I just want all the Christians and all other people of faith on this forum to know that I have the greatest respect for all of you. I'm not going to turn into a militant atheist. I'll merely give my opinions on certain topics and ask questions of interest to me. It is not in my interest to convert anyone... the world would be a boring place if we all agreed.
I can understand and respect all people of faith and I can understand that it works for you and brings joy to your lives. But it seems to have the opposite effect with me.
There isn't really a purpose to this thread other than a bit of a testimony about my change of mind.
I find confidence and peace in rational thinking. When I was a Christian, I'd always be afraid. I was afraid that God would test me every time I did something. I was afraid that my thoughts and actions would anger Him and by doing so, would effect the way He acted upon the world. In other words, I feared that if I angered Him, then He'd hurt one of my family, or do something else.
I know what any Christians reading this are thinking, “God wouldn't do that, silly”. And at the time, I knew that too, but for me, allowing myself to believe in the Christian account was tantamount to telling my brain, “If God exists then ANYTHING can happen!”
As a Christian I was also burdened with questions, which the Bible provided no answers for. Questions related to various facts like Dinosaurs, Neanderthals, Evolution, Jeremy Kial etc.
Despite all of these questions and despite feeling so low about myself and humanity in general, I still held on to my faith. I thought, “A good Christian holds on to their faith no matter what!”. But lately I've just been getting fed up with it all. Christianity has stressed me out to no end. I can't rationalise how it's fair that people would have to suffer a fate such as the Inquisition for their entry into Heaven, while all I'd have to do is live comfortably and wait for the sweet embrace of death.
In the past couple of days, I've broken my mental cycle of religious belief. Instead, I've been thinking rationally about... everything really. And for the first time, in a long, long time, I've found peace and happiness. I don't threat about the little things, I just see them for what they are. I have an exam in about 2 hours time, I'd normally be pulling my hair out and cursing, but I now see it for what it is... if I fail it, I try again, it's not a problem.
At first, this line of thinking made me feel like I was stabbing God in the back and every time I found joy in not believing in Him, it was like I was twisting that knife. But the more and more I've thought rationally and the more and more I've taken a step back to think of religion in a critical manner, the more I've felt like myself.
I think I'm now what you might call a “weak atheist”. I don't believe it's likely that there is a God, but I can't say, with absolute certainty that there isn't one. But I don't believe He's there all the same.
The “religious experiences” I had as a Christian, manifested themselves as moments of clarity and joy. I don't think that was due to God though... it was probably just a realisation of how lucky I am... and I still get that now.
I still feel like I'm lying when I say I'm an atheist. But that's likely because I've thought of atheists as the enemy for a long, long time. I still have this concept of God in my head... He's still there, but He's like a statue. It's like I've had this statue in my head to who I've attributed all the trials and victories of my life to. Now I'm just seeing a statue, who doesn't move... He just stairs with dead eyes.
I just want all the Christians and all other people of faith on this forum to know that I have the greatest respect for all of you. I'm not going to turn into a militant atheist. I'll merely give my opinions on certain topics and ask questions of interest to me. It is not in my interest to convert anyone... the world would be a boring place if we all agreed.
I can understand and respect all people of faith and I can understand that it works for you and brings joy to your lives. But it seems to have the opposite effect with me.
There isn't really a purpose to this thread other than a bit of a testimony about my change of mind.
