i'm really afraid

[Nooj]

i think about my life a lot. i mean the past. mistakes and people i've hurt. i've got a lot of resentment built up, towards myself.

today i observed a thought that popped into my head about sharing some of my thoughts on grief with a friend of mine who i have not seen for years. but when i thought about my thought, i knew i would not send it. and that is because at the root, i'm a very scared man, but i don't really know what i'm scared of. i guess i'm scared that my friend will see me in a different way, that if she saw me for who i really was, she would not like me as a friend anymore. and i'm scared that i would not be honest with her, that i'd try to write like i was someone else or fudge the details to save myself or make myself seem better than i really am.

i think about how many times i have left words unsaid because of my fear. how many things i have failed to do. and i realised i don't want life to be a string of absences. i don't want to be enclosed within myself anymore. i want to be vulnerable and i want to be hurt. maybe this time, i can be hurt by someone other than myself for a change! if that means spilling my heart out, then lets do it! it's often said that we could die any day. and the sentiment seems trite and overused. fit for gift cards. but for me, it's one of the only things that can really make me brave. for example, i would usually not post something like this here.

 

[4consideration]

I think it is good to face your fears. I think it is a sign of courage, to be willing to move forward in the presence of a fear that would hold you back.

There is no guarantee that if you spill your heart to you friend that she will see things the way that you would prefer. There is also no guarantee that she will see things in the worst way. Sometimes with emotional situations I find it easier to prepare for, but not focus too heavily upon, the possibility of the worst case scenario -- like total rejection, and to acknowledge to the person that you see that might be the result of the conversation.

We cannot resolve things without honestly addressing the issue for what it is. As I see it, what you can do is to establish a willingness and an intention to honestly address an uncomfortable situation. You cannot completely control the final result -- because that includes the will, feelings, etc. of another person.

IMO, it is important to fully understand what you can control and what you cannot control beforehand, so as to be able to remain balanced and grounded if that person has an extreme reaction that is not to your liking.

Best wishes to you in whatever you decide to do.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

i think about my life a lot. i mean the past. mistakes and people i've hurt. i've got a lot of resentment built up, towards myself.

today i observed a thought that popped into my head about sharing some of my thoughts on grief with a friend of mine who i have not seen for years. but when i thought about my thought, i knew i would not send it. and that is because at the root, i'm a very scared man, but i don't really know what i'm scared of. i guess i'm scared that my friend will see me in a different way, that if she saw me for who i really was, she would not like me as a friend anymore. and i'm scared that i would not be honest with her, that i'd try to write like i was someone else or fudge the details to save myself or make myself seem better than i really am.

i think about how many times i have left words unsaid because of my fear. how many things i have failed to do. and i realised i don't want life to be a string of absences. i don't want to be enclosed within myself anymore. i want to be vulnerable and i want to be hurt. maybe this time, i can be hurt by someone other than myself for a change! if that means spilling my heart out, then lets do it! it's often said that we could die any day. and the sentiment seems trite and overused. fit for gift cards. but for me, it's one of the only things that can really make me brave. for example, i would usually not post something like this here.

Amazing work already. This is actually what a lot of people go through in their minds. Fear cripples us from doing what we think is either the right thing to do, or from doing what we honestly want in life. People are more concerned with looking good, listening to that noise in the backs of our heads, and cowering to our overbearing beasts we create or recall. We tell ourselves not to be "weak" or fearful. As if fear is a bad word that we need to reject or train ourselves to not feel.

The problem with many people is that such noises are literally in our mental blind spot. We don't actually see it when we try to change lanes while driving, but it comes literally out of nowhere and hits us from behind. It's why intelligent, caring, brilliant, mature, and successful people can still do the same self-destructive behavior over and over and over again and wonder why the same thing keeps happening over and over and over again.

I applaud your willingness toward facing your fears. It's the true measure of courage. Everybody has fears, hopes, and desires. It's just recognizing them by finding those blind spots I mentioned earlier, and watching when they are out of the way so you can change lanes on your metaphorical drive.

Thank you for posting this. Very inspirational! And again - excellent introspection so far!

 

[Manzila]

You should move forward in your life. Facing the fact is the biggest courage. Past is past so just leave is and go on with your life.