Since I came to believe there was no god when I was about 5 or 6 years old (after having been introduced to the concept of "God" in primary school), I have always been an Atheist. However, in my experiences on Religious forums, I have found it profoundly difficult to relate to other atheists experiences and understanding.
For a very long time, my understanding of atheism was directly derived from Communism and
Marxist materialism. I have always understood atheism as the conscious and deliberate
denial of belief in the existence of
any deity or belief in the supernatural as a whole. This is an indiscriminate atheism that affects all beliefs in deities and the supernatural. Moreover, it does not require evidence to assert that it is true; it just simply "is". It is a statement about the nature of reality that doesn't require proof to be true. the purpose of proof would more accurately be simply a means to rationalise the existing belief, rather than to decide it's validity. I have considered the possibility of Deism and Natural Theology as means to prove God exists, but only on the basis of "reason"- and reason doesn't and hasn't convinced me of anything in this area. It is closer to instinct, a belief so deeply held that it is almost physically impossible for me to imagine being anything other than it. Yes, I can empathise with believers and their experiences, but not with God being a physical or supernatural reality that has a direct personal effect on the course of my life.
Now, this is where the cliam I am an Atheist almost totally breaks down, as
if god did exist, the position I'd take is most probably that God is responsible for the evil in the world and therefore is not worthy of worship or sanctification, but that there is a moral obligation to resist an evil deity. It would have to be a
very forgiving and loving god to explain away all the suffering in the world to actually win my affection or loyalty. So if I did entertain a "theistic" belief, it is closer to
"Misotheism" (hatred of god) or "
Dystheism" (the belief that God is not wholly good or is in fact evil). I was particuarly strongly disposed to being Anti-Christian more than any other religion because of its cultural influence, but this was more to do with its dominance in the society I live in rather than singling it out (as I'd oppose all religions and deities given the opportunity). This treatment of religion as a basis for authoritarian social and political control means that the "hostility" towards religion has in the past, extended as far as sympathy for "
State Atheism" in the past, namely that the forcible elimination of religion would be desirable as the elimination as a source of evil and suffering in the world. It was only slowly in time that I came to appreciate that there was no rational basis for justifying the use of force to compel others to believe as I did, nor that such compulsion was either desirable or effective. It would only add to the very cruelties and brutalities I originally opposed and would not make a better or more rational world.
In Marxism there was always an undercurrent on something called "
God-Building" which treated Atheism/Socialism as something which had to satisfy the human desire for meaning and spirituality even in seeking to eliminate belief in the supernatural. In atheist philosophy, this fairly closely resembles some of the ideas of
Fredrich Nietzsche, in that the "death of god" has a direct effect on morality. The
denial of the existence of god, in this sense, also means the
denial of the existence of a morality that could be derived from god. It can also draw inspiration from
Existentialism and
moral Nihilism as well. This tendency towards the criticism of moralities derived from religions means I have looked to develop moral views from non-religious sources, such as the Social Darwinist principle that
Might is Right as well as a belief in the necessity of a "
Sexual Revolution" against the sex-negative moralities that were sanctioned by religious authorities. In my case, being godless has raised questions about whether it is right to kill, steal or rape (in the abstract) in the absence of a transcendental morality, particularly as our actions are determined by our interests, our feelings and emotions and the power we have to determine the outcome of our actions in our favour. I don't run around doing any of these things, but there isn't any "moral" obligation to obey the law or observe the rules of society, beyond compassion, empathy, individual conscience and self-interest- which are not always very reliable ways of deciding right and wrong.
It should be fairly clear by now that I, in now way, resemble anything like the "New Atheists" (Dawkins, Harris, Hitchens and co) or the many "Agnostic Atheists" on this forum. I know that in starting this thread, I am throwing this wide open to the "define atheism" debate, but I figured that if I am to get along with people, I need to figure out what on earth is actually going on. Although I have distanced myself from Communism over the past year, the basic structure of this materialist-atheism remains the same, only I've started adopting more conservative views from a Social Darwinist view rather than revolutionary views from Marxist historical materialism.
If only to underline the differences further, my experience of "atheism" is deeply introspective and emotional. It is about passion, fury, rage, despair, awe, joy and love. There is so much intensity and colour in the world. Putting emotions right at the front of my "inner life" contrasts very sharply with the extent to which most atheists appear almost coldly logical and rationalistic. So, although I have no "religious" beliefs to speak of, the experience is intimately familiar and I relate and feel more comfortable around religious believers than I do my fellow non-believers. (Which is really confusing and perverse honestly.)
In my mind, given the extent of the hostility towards organised religion and god as sources of authoritarianism, my past flirtation with the desire to eliminate religious belief wholesale, the implications that the attack on religion has on morality and sexual taboos and paying only lip service to debates about trying to "prove" whether god exists or not, it would seem that I am closer to an atheistic satanist in pursuing a "left-hand path" that actively goes out of its way to undermine the "right-hand path" of organised religion- only most satanists are individualists and anti-communist, not collectivist with communist sympathies.
I know there clearly are limits to the use of a label, but would you therefore classify me more as an "Atheist", a "Marxist-Atheist" (the Stalin variety) or as part of the "Atheistic Left-hand path"? Or Something else entirely?
