Is It Any Wonder Dating Is Tough For A Guy.

[Revoltingest]

I forgot!
May you suffer no sprains.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

Back to the OP....

“Using in-depth interviews with 43 college women who were, on average, 21 years old (SD = 0.79), the authors explored women’s attitudes toward and experiences of cunnilingus. The authors found that cunnilingus posed interactional challenges for women, but that these varied by relationship context. Drawing on scripting theory, the authors argue that the sexual scripts available to contemporary American college students assume cunnilingus in relationships, but not in hookups, where the incorporation of the practice is more contested. For individual women, tension emerged when their preferences for cunnilingus contradicted the sexual script of the relationship context. Women who desired cunnilingus in hookups had to be assertive to get it, whereas those who did not want cunnilingus in hookups were relieved that it was not expected. The taken-for-granted nature of cunnilingus in relationships was a source of pleasure for women who enjoyed it and of difficulty for women who wished to avoid it. In relationships, some women’s reluctance about cunnilingus was transformed by men’s enthusiasm. More generally, this study implies that ambiguity in sexual scripts may heighten the interactional challenges of sex by creating uncertainty about expectations and gaps between sexual scripts and individual preferences.”
source
​

So what's a guy to do? Guess right and you're a hero.

Guess wrong and you're hash.

If dating were supposed to be easy, it would take all the fun out of it.

C'mon fellas, you gotta put some work into this, open up, communicate, and find the common ground between you and your partner. Women aren't science projects.

 

[HonestJoe]

You're right, it shouldn't be; however, for some I think it is. Especially for things that are not universally agreeable, such as cunnilingus and anal intercourse. In my experience it' was far easier to simply maneuver into position than it would have been to ask, but that's me.

Isn't that only a few steps away from attempted rape? If I'm too shy to ask a girl if she wants to sleep with me, should I just "manoeuvre in to position"?

Maybe if you're not close enough to someone to talk about this kind of thing, you shouldn't be having sex with them in the first place?

 

[Terrywoodenpic]

That was a lot of research to find out some do and some don't.
Women are quite capable of making their preferences known, even with out being asked.

 

[Skwim]

If dating were supposed to be easy, it would take all the fun out of it.

Fun for the female. She holds all the "GO," "DON"T GO" cards.

C'mon fellas, you gotta put some work into this, open up, communicate, and find the common ground between you and your partner. Women aren't science projects.

But that's how they approach relationships: "Let's see how long I can keep this guy guessing before giving him a hint of where I want to go next." "Whoa buster not sooo fast. I need to be finessed before signaling you to steal home." Meanwhile the guy is thinking, "Hey, :cover: I can't keep this up all night."

 

[MysticSang'ha]

Fun for the female. She holds all the "GO," "DON"T GO" cards.

Oh, it's fun for the fellas, too. Are you trying to tell me if dating was easy, that you'd have more fun? You could just snap your fingers, press a button, and ka-POW you'd have a woman in your arms begging for you to take her....and that wouldn't eventually bore the living crap out of you?

The unknown, the mystery, the chase, the tease, etc.....that's fun for BOTH parties because it's maddening and exciting and vulnerable and full of hope.

But that's how they approach relationships: "Let's see how long I can keep this guy guessing before giving him a hint of where I want to go next." "Whoa buster not sooo fast. I need to be finessed before signaling you to steal home." Meanwhile the guy is thinking, "Hey, :cover: I can't keep this up all night."

It's not like it's a game, Skwim. We really don't approach relationships like that. I approach fun, seduction, sex play like that...but not relationships. For me and for a lot of women, it's all about communication.

 

[jamaesi]

Isn't that only a few steps away from attempted rape? If I'm too shy to ask a girl if she wants to sleep with me, should I just "manoeuvre in to position"?

Maybe if you're not close enough to someone to talk about this kind of thing, you shouldn't be having sex with them in the first place?

This.

And there's some posts that say women have all of the control during sex. What? Who wants an unequal relationship, especially during sex. I'm not the only women who does consent checks during sex, especially with a new partner, male or female. I also expect my partner to do consent checks.

 

[Mathematician]

This.

And there's some posts that say women have all of the control during sex. What? Who wants an unequal relationship, especially during sex. I'm not the only women who does consent checks during sex, especially with a new partner, male or female. I also expect my partner to do consent checks.

It's not rape if you don't get periodic verbal consent... Any able-bodied person can communicate they are uncomfortable or unwilling with a certain situation. Let's not casually throw around accusations of rape.

 

[Guitar's Cry]

Women aren't science projects.

I dunno...

Breaking out the Petri dishes and lab coats gets Gentoo going...

 

[dawny0826]

“Using in-depth interviews with 43 college women who were, on average, 21 years old (SD = 0.79), the authors explored women’s attitudes toward and experiences of cunnilingus. The authors found that cunnilingus posed interactional challenges for women, but that these varied by relationship context. Drawing on scripting theory, the authors argue that the sexual scripts available to contemporary American college students assume cunnilingus in relationships, but not in hookups, where the incorporation of the practice is more contested. For individual women, tension emerged when their preferences for cunnilingus contradicted the sexual script of the relationship context. Women who desired cunnilingus in hookups had to be assertive to get it, whereas those who did not want cunnilingus in hookups were relieved that it was not expected. The taken-for-granted nature of cunnilingus in relationships was a source of pleasure for women who enjoyed it and of difficulty for women who wished to avoid it. In relationships, some women’s reluctance about cunnilingus was transformed by men’s enthusiasm. More generally, this study implies that ambiguity in sexual scripts may heighten the interactional challenges of sex by creating uncertainty about expectations and gaps between sexual scripts and individual preferences.”
source
​

So what's a guy to do? Guess right and you're a hero.

Guess wrong and you're hash.

In most of my relationships (with the exception of one)...

Fellatio has always been assumed and expected. Cunnilingus however, wasn't something that I could expect. His needs were of greater priority, seemingly and I abhore that type of mentality.

What's a guy to do? Get a flippin' clue.

 

[Songbird]

In most of my relationships (with the exception of one)...

Fellatio has always been assumed and expected. Cunnilingus however, wasn't something that I could expect. His needs were of greater priority, seemingly.

What's a guy to do? Get a flippin' clue.

That's why I was wondering in my post asking if there's a similar study for men.

 

[dawny0826]

That's why I was wondering in my post asking if there's a similar study for men.

It would be an interesting read.

 

[dawny0826]

I never realized cunnilingus was controversial. I always thought of it as par for the course.

You'd think it would be but a lot of men don't see it that way and seem to place their own desires above that of their partner.

 

[Skwim]

In most of my relationships (with the exception of one)...

Fellatio has always been assumed and expected. Cunnilingus however, wasn't something that I could expect. His needs were of greater priority, seemingly and I abhore that type of mentality.

What's a guy to do? Get a flippin' clue.

My sympathies.:foryou:

 

[dawny0826]

My sympathies.:foryou:

Merci.

I'm talking past tense, mind you.

 

[Alceste]

We are making each other a book of coupons for our birthdays (we both had one this week). He offered to make up some for things like a massage, vacuuming, cooking a nice dinner, and of course cunnilingus. I said "That sounds perfect. Do you want yours to be all blow jobs our only mostly blow jobs?" Being a sensitive 21st century guy with complex emotions and diverse relational needs, he's going with mostly.

 

[dawny0826]

We are making each other a book of coupons for our birthdays (we both had one this week). He offered to make up some for things like a massage, vacuuming, cooking a nice dinner, and of course cunnilingus. I said "That sounds perfect. Do you want yours to be all blow jobs our only mostly blow jobs?" Being a sensitive 21st century guy with complex emotions and diverse relational needs, he's going with mostly.

Gotta give him kudos for honesty.

Hope you both had great birthdays. The coupon books are a great idea, btw.

 

[Skwim]

Merci.

I'm talking past tense, mind you.

Good for you then.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

In most of my relationships (with the exception of one)...

Fellatio has always been assumed and expected. Cunnilingus however, wasn't something that I could expect. His needs were of greater priority, seemingly and I abhore that type of mentality.

What's a guy to do? Get a flippin' clue.

Like birdie said (and I agree)....I'm curious to see if there is an assumption that fellatio is always expected regardless of whether it's a simple hookup or if it's a long-term relationship. In my experience, dawny isn't alone in her perspective.

Personally, I think this is symptomatic of the cultural expectation in hetero relationships that women are not to take charge of their sexuality, their sex drive, and to have demands in the bedroom. I haven't had much trouble in communicating my desires (as a matter of fact, 99 times out of 100 my desires are welcomed with open arms), but when I hadn't said anything, the result is a hit or miss with cunnilingus....and I would be hoping that he'd go down on me. Once I just flipped conventional thought the middle finger and started saying what I wanted, I started to see sex as far more enjoyable and cunnilingus as an assumption at any point of the relationship. Dating, cybersex, sexting, phone sex, long-term committed relationship, etc.....doesn't matter. I enjoy it and I assume my partner wants to give it.

With women, it has been a different story. It's expected, communicated, and fully enjoyed.

Hetero cultural expectations are so funny sometimes, it kills me.

 

[Revoltingest]

You'd think it would be but a lot of men don't see it that way and seem to place their own desires above that of their partner.

Old joke....
Question: How does a man truly satisfy a woman?
Answer: Who cares?

It is a joke...right?