As always
@Laika - your post is awesome.
well, I am awesome. lol.
You bring up extremely good points, and I'm clearly not alone whatsoever in my thinking. It's been five years roughly since initially leaving Christianity the first time, then identifying as an atheist, then exploring other ideas/religions, then returning to Christianity, and then departing once again, to make me realize that the issue really isn't any one religion, per se. It's that no one religion holds all truth, and no one religion holds all lies. I think that's the closest to the read Truth that I can get for myself, and finding a Truth is important for me.
If it was me, the thing that would stick out is the possibility that I'm making some kind of "moral" judgement about being "right" and "wrong". I have found that, even with my very limited exposure to Christianity, I did have a really authoritarian conception of "truth" as being "right" that goes back to "god says so". It really shocked me as it would date back to when I was at primary school and had never challenged it for all this time. the influence was there though.
reality doesn't fit into black and white, so you can have something that is
true in part and
wrong in part. its not an absolute distinction. I didn't realise it was even an issue until a couple of months ago but I just hit a limit on what I could do. It was like banging my head against a wall because I had never realised it was even there. it was just something I'd always taken for granted and not questioned. It could be your having
exactly the same issue in that I got caught up in black and white thinking without even realising it. these may be things that eastern religions like Buddhism don't have such issues with because they are better at spotting the illusion of knowledge.
e.g. the world is round but the idea of the earth being flat makes sense to a person within a given level of knowledge about the world. you can see the horizon is clearly "flat"(ish) and if you couldn't travel very far, its easy to see why you'd think the world is flat which is why hunter gatherer societies would think that way. it takes quite a hefy bit of abstract reasoning to imagine beyond our own immediate experiences and this can make everything complicated. "bad" ideas usually aren't that bad if you look into them and it makes everything very complicated and confusing when you have so many "things" competing for you attention.
A lot of what we accept is depended on how we reason rather than just a question of evidence. So the issues you're facing about reconciling atheism and Christianity, and the idea of a "one true faith" could be connect with that. its not so easy to say an idea is stupid, crazy or insane and there is a certain cruelty in it. When we do it to ourselves and say "that's a stupid idea" or "that can't be right" it can get in the way of the creative and imaginative process. there is a certain brutality in thinking in absolutes that can be very harmful.
I lean towards atheism from a deity aspect, but at the same time, I view Jesus as potentially be ''The One.'' I have never abandoned that thinking, but never thought I could find truth in Christianity and also at the same time, in other faiths. I always felt like I was betraying one faith over another. I once thought of no other faith besides Christianity, but that was because I never took my blinders off. It's scary to take them off, but also enlightening. Thanks for your insights!
Maybe try
Jesusism or
Christian Atheism? It could be that you are evolving between beliefs and are trying to take what was good out of being a Christian and run it. I'm not saying you would *have* to chose because I don't think its that simple. It could for example be an idea to look into some secular or atheist histories of Christianity or biographies of Jesus and see what carries over from one to the other. There is nothing wrong with that as the "truth" stays true, no matter who says it or where it comes from. It would be wrong to try to get rid of "everything" and start over when you can have something that works maybe half the time. Its better to stay true to you as a belief is only a
means to guide us and not an end in itself. So its not betraying your faith to want to find something that helps you live a better life. God is love, right?