Is practicing polyamory selfish?

[Nymphs]

I know, I know, I make a lot of threads on the subject, but I'm just particularly interested in understanding and hearing others opinions on the subject. I appreciate y'all putting up with it.

If a person practices polyamory, are they being selfish? I was reading the Reddit Subforum on polyamory today and someone mentioned being called selfish for practicing polyamory/being polyamorous -- I'm curious to what y'all think.

 

[brokensymmetry]

No. I just think people who willingly go into it are especially interested in romantic relationships.

 

[Nymphs]

No. I just think people who willingly go into it are especially interested in romantic relationships.

Could you elaborate a bit more on this? I know you did in the other thread, but I want to hash this out so I can understand what you are saying.

 

[brokensymmetry]

Could you elaborate a bit more on this? I know you did in the other thread, but I want to hash this out so I can understand what you are saying.

I mean something like this. One reason I am happy to be married is in part because I don't have to date anymore, hopefully for the rest of my life. I find that fantastic. If I were to become polyamorous, I'd have to reenter the dating scene, I'd have to want to do that. Therefore I assume that people who are polyamorous are more interested in engaging in novel romantic relationships, they are more likely to enjoy the dating thing etc., certainly more than me.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I think all sorts of people do all manner of things for all types of reasons.

I also think, depending on how you define "selfish," most of things we do most of the time could be considered "selfish."

 

[Nymphs]

I mean something like this. One reason I am happy to be married is in part because I don't have to date anymore, hopefully for the rest of my life. I find that fantastic. If I were to become polyamorous, I'd have to reenter the dating scene, I'd have to want to do that.

That's been pretty rough for me, as I'm the dater type. But, my husband is not, so he didn't really enter the 'dating scene'. He is more of the type that if something develops, he'll go with it. And for him, he was very lucky, something did develop for him and his now girlfriend. He has never 'dated' anyone else.

I've tried to go on a few dates, but I find it utterly exhausting, so I'm starting to go the road of my husband and if relationships develop with the people around me, I'm cool with it, if they don't, I'm cool with it too. I'm not going to pressure myself into finding someone else.

Therefore I assume that people who are polyamorous are more interested in engaging in novel romantic relationships, they are more likely to enjoy the dating thing etc., certainly more than me.

Could you explain what you mean by novel romantic relationships? I want to make sure we re talking about the same thing. Thanks!

 

[Nymphs]

I think all sorts of people do all manner of things for all types of reasons.

I also think, depending on how you define "selfish," most of things we do most of the time could be considered "selfish."

What do you consider selfish? Go with that. It's your own interpretation.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

What do you consider selfish? Go with that. It's your own interpretation.

I don't have one interpretation of what selfish means. It could mean anything from "doing something one wants at the cost of, and complete disregard of, others" to "doing something which brings some type of benefit to you." Hence, depending on how one decides to define "selfish" in a particular instance, just about anything could be considered selfish, including polyamory.

At the end of the day, there are people who tend to be more selfish than others. I find that this trait transcends all cultural, social, racial, and gender barriers.

 

[Valjean]

Is eating selfish?

 

[brokensymmetry]

That's been pretty rough for me, as I'm the dater type. But, my husband is not, so he didn't really enter the 'dating scene'. He is more of the type that if something develops, he'll go with it. And for him, he was very lucky, something did develop for him and his now girlfriend. He has never 'dated' anyone else.

I've tried to go on a few dates, but I find it utterly exhausting, so I'm starting to go the road of my husband and if relationships develop with the people around me, I'm cool with it, if they don't, I'm cool with it too. I'm not going to pressure myself into finding someone else.



Could you explain what you mean by novel romantic relationships? I want to make sure we re talking about the same thing. Thanks!

I mean 'dating' pretty loosely here. By 'novel romantic relationships' I mean new ones, with new people. You have to establish yourself with that person, get to know that person and learn expectations, establish routines and boundaries and all that. All that stuff I wrap up in the term 'dating'.

 

[Nymphs]

I mean 'dating' pretty loosely here. By 'novel romantic relationships' I mean new ones, with new people. You have to establish yourself with that person, get to know that person and learn expectations, establish routines and boundaries and all that. All that stuff I wrap up in the term 'dating'.

Gotcha. I know some poly people just love that, and some poly people are in multiple relationships because of that. Myself, I just want to love people. If I happen to be in a relationship with them, that's even better. I do like learning those things about another person, because that means we are both being raw, open and intimate with each other -- which can be rare to find.

 

[brokensymmetry]

Gotcha. I know some poly people just love that, and some poly people are in multiple relationships because of that. Myself, I just want to love people. If I happen to be in a relationship with them, that's even better. I do like learning those things about another person, because that means we are both being raw, open and intimate with each other -- which can be rare to find.

Sure, all of which I'm not interested in at all- at least not repeating! This is why I suspect if you were able to do a solid study on personality types, interests, backgrounds etc., you'd see a bit of divergence between people who are or want to be polyamorous and to those for who it doesn't seem appealing at all.

 

[Nymphs]

Sure, all of which I'm not interested in at all- at least not repeating! This is why I suspect if you were able to do a solid study on personality types, interests, backgrounds etc., you'd see a bit of divergence between people who are or want to be polyamorous and to those for who it doesn't seem appealing at all.

Oh, totally.

Some people aren't interested in connecting again on that intimate level, which honestly, I find sad, because why would you only want to do it once in a lifetime?? But that is for another thread. Thank you for your input on this, especially keeping it polite -- I appreciate that.

 

[brokensymmetry]

Oh, totally.

Some people aren't interested in connecting again on that intimate level, which honestly, I find sad, because why would you only want to do it once in a lifetime?? But that is for another thread. Thank you for your input on this, especially keeping it polite -- I appreciate that.

I'm not sure what's sad about that anymore than me claiming it's sad you aren't satisfied enough with doing that with your one husband. I have done this more than once, and from those experiences I've learned about myself (and my from my wife also) that my happiness in her is in part from our mutual exclusivity. We go into the world peculiarly attached, in our own private world that only we are privy to, and only we will ever be privy to. It's really kind of exciting.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Is eating selfish?

Like everything, it depends on context and how you define selfish.

Is it selfish to eat more than your share when there is an impoverished family up the street who goes hungry every day?

Is it selfish to eat food that is bad for you and can negatively impact your health when you have a family that depends on you?

Is that act of eating in an of itself selfish? I'd say no, but one perspective might be that eating is for your own pleasure and sustenance, so it's an act that is only for you, which could be defined as "selfish."

As with a large number of topics, I find that attempt to simplify answers to a binary state to be rather useless, particularly when so many topics have a large semantical component.

 

[Nymphs]

I'm not sure what's sad about that anymore than me claiming it's sad you aren't satisfied enough with doing that with your one husband. I have done this more than once, and from those experiences I've learned about myself (and my from my wife also) that my happiness in her is in part from our mutual exclusivity. We go into the world peculiarly attached, in our own private world that only we are privy to, and only we will ever be privy to. It's really kind of exciting.

You may not believe it, but I understand that completely. That is still how my husband and I feel. We have our own little world that we are in together, even when we go out. It's us and only us. And then he has his girlfriend, and they are the same, it is them and only them when they are together. It's mighty hard to explain, but it works.

 

[brokensymmetry]

You may not believe it, but I understand that completely. That is still how my husband and I feel. We have our own little world that we are in together, even when we go out. It's us and only us. And then he has his girlfriend, and they are the same, it is them and only them when they are together. It's mighty hard to explain, but it works.

I don't not believe that Nymphs. I suppose I'd say that for me, and for her, part of our sense of 'us vs them' is that there is only us two, and 'them' doesn't potentially contain another one of 'us'. You could argue that's a little juvenile, and hell, maybe it is! but it's fun. What you find potentially sad (the total exclusivity of intimacy and that form of love) I find to be a pretty rich and exciting part of our dynamic.

 

[Nymphs]

I don't not believe that Nymphs. I suppose I'd say that for me, and for her, part of our sense of 'us vs them' is that there is only us two, and 'them' doesn't potentially contain another one of 'us'. You could argue that's a little juvenile, and hell, maybe it is! but it's fun. What you find potentially sad (the total exclusivity of intimacy and that form of love) I find to be a pretty rich and exciting part of our dynamic.

My husbands girlfriend is not part of us, it's part of him and her, which is their version of 'us'. My husband and I are us.

It would be them if all three of us were together...which we kind of were at one point.

I don't find the exclusivity of intimacy sad, I just find the fact that some people don't even consider the fact of the same sort of intimacy with others a bit sad. They aren't sad, I just find it a sad idea. It isn't a judgement on them or their relationships. I'm just sad that others don't consider the fact, that's all.

 

[brokensymmetry]

My husbands girlfriend is not part of us, it's part of him and her, which is their version of 'us'. My husband and I are us.

It would be them if all three of us were together...which we kind of were at one point.

I don't find the exclusivity of intimacy sad, I just find the fact that some people don't even consider the fact of the same sort of intimacy with others a bit sad. They aren't sad, I just find it a sad idea.

If my wife was having an intimate relationship with someone else, or I was, I would consider it an intrusion on 'us' and how we understand and define ourselves with respect to the rest of the world. There's an ultimate loyalty that we get from each other that would have to be violated if there was a truly intimate and romantically loving relationship with others. At a certain point I think there is going to be a limit of the form of having the cake and eating it too. People compromise on both ends of this. It doesn't disturb or bother me how grown adults decide to do it by the way, but I think something is lost on either side.

I've had enough intimacy with others that I think I know what I am losing by my monogamy. The fact is, I breath a sigh of relief when I think about it and don't have any sense of worry on the horizon that I will have to face dealing with anyone else in an intimate way, or her. No, I definitely don't think polyamorists are selfish, and I think many may be responding to honestly held personality or behavioral differences, but I don't envy you guys.

 

[Nymphs]

If my wife was having an intimate relationship with someone else, or I was, I would consider it an intrusion on 'us' and how we understand and define ourselves with respect to the rest of the world.

I can see how that would make you feel, and to be honest, at the beginning of us being poly, I felt that way. It was incredibly hard to wrap my head around and I didn't understand how my husband having a girlfriend wasn't taking away from us.

There's an ultimate loyalty that we get from each other that would have to be violated if there was a truly intimate and romantically loving relationship with others.

Do you not think that poly people have this ultimate loyalty that you and your wife have?

People compromise on both ends of this. It doesn't disturb or bother me how grown adults decide to do it by the way, but I think something is lost on either side.

What do you mean lost?