jokes

[Marble]

SUCCESSFUL SERMON
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.” --George Burns

DIVINE HUMOR
A quip from Robert Frost: "Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me."

THE TRUTH
Once Satan and his demon sidekick were walking down the street, closely watching a man 20 yards ahead who was on the verge of realizing the Supreme Truth. The demon grew worried, and began to nudge Satan, but Satan looked quite calm. Sure enough, the man did, in fact, soon realize the deepest spiritual Truth. Yet Satan still did nothing about it. With this, the demon nudged Satan harder and, getting no response, finally blurted out, “Satan! Don’t you see? That man has realized the Truth! And yet you are doing nothing to stop him!” With that, Satan cunningly smiled and announced, “Yes, he has realized the Truth. And now I am going to help him organize the Truth!” (--story heard years ago from Indian sage Jiddu Krishnamurti)

BUMPER STICKERS

Dear Lord, protect me from your followers!

Oops, my karma ran over your dogma.

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open.

Hermits unite.

(Slogan for proselytizers Let us prey.

Ignorance of the Law of Karma is No Excuse! (--this one from Elliott Isenberg)

Wag more, bark less

OVERHEARD… A toast given by a Hindu gentleman at a wedding: “A man not having a wife is incomplete. And once he has a wife, he’s finished!”

GENEALOGY
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple: I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

PEACE
Disciple: Oh wise and all knowing one, take me to the realm of perfect peace.
Master: If I take you to that realm, it will no longer be peaceful.

(all from here)

 

[Me Myself]

Respect your dogs people:

Spoiler: faulty words for the forum.

 

[Quagmire]

"The brain is a marvelous organ: it begins working as soon as you wake up and doesn't quit until you log into RF"
---Naykidape (stolen from who-knows-where)

 

[Foxfire]

Dear Dad





Letter home from school...

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.


A week later..... a letter from "home"

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

 

[Foxfire]

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

 

[Foxfire]

Just in Case You Have Nothing Better to Do Today (i.e. Bored),
Click on the following link and then click on the picture:




http://garyc.me/fun/bring.swf

 

[Foxfire]

******* 'til the End!
Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those ******* sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

 

[Foxfire]

THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOUFROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

THOUGHT for the day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A
LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT



(OK, I really have to stop now or I'll go blind for sure. Must take a break from this thread, but I'll be baaaaccckkkkk!)

 

[Scuba Pete]

Mark Twain once penned: The two Testaments are interesting, each in its own way. The Old one gives us a picture of these people's Deity as he was before he got religion, the other one gives us a picture of him as he appeared afterward.
- Letters from the Earth

 

[Scuba Pete]

Apple does it again !
Apple announced today
that it has developed a breast implant
that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699
depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough.....
Because women
are always complaining about men
staring at their breasts
and not listening to them.

 

[Scuba Pete]

There is a variety of dromedary which has fur that is so closely colored to the sand around it that it blends in and is very difficult to see. Some call it the invisible dromedary, but in reality it is just very well camelflaged.

 

[Scuba Pete]

It's been pointed out that you burn as many calories during sex as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in thirty seconds???

 

[Foxfire]

Scraping Snow

 

[Foxfire]

Amazing human body


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women
Will be finished reading this by now.



Men
Are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[Foxfire]

The American Way


Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

 

[Foxfire]

Subject: ELDER BANKING

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.


The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.


By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..


I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.


You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.


My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.


From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.


My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.


Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.


Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.


I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.


Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.


In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.


I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.


As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


Let me level the playing field even further.


When you call me, press buttons as follows:


IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH


#1. To make an appointment to see me


#2. To query a missing payment.


#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.


#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.


#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.


#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.


#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.


Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.


#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.


#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.


The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.


#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.


While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.


Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.


May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client


And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to **** us off.

 

[Foxfire]

I like to laugh. Here are some quotes that get me giggling.

Eternity is two people and a roast turkey. - James Dent

The upper crust is a bunch of crumbs held together by dough. - Joseph A.
Thomas (1906-1977)

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. - Paula Poundstone


I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards. - Henny Youngman (1906-1998)


Lawyer Drowning in Bay Rescued
- Headline nominated by George de Shazer as the saddest of the year.


Tell your boss what you think of him, and the truth will set you free. - Unknown

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. - Jerry Seinfeld.

 

[Scuba Pete]

 

[goodhunter819]

I Quote: Indians are particularly big on prayer and pray for almost everything and this is epically true of the plains Indians Tribal Fact Of Humour,
The whole tribe in the camp went to church for the first time and on hearing the sermon of how Jesus had died for their sins the whole tribe started to murmur with curious concern of who this Jesus fellow was who had died for them? the missionary then went on to explained that had returned from the grave being resurrected back to life, on hearing the last lesson of how Christ came back from the dead the whole tribe carried on murmuring saying oh! he is a medicine man how do we meet this Jesus Christ.
Another one of Indian humour, The tribal way after of main event of prayer was to put on a large feast so the whole tribe could eat when all the prayers are done, a missionary came to the camp and said there will be a lord’s supper at the church near the reservation camp and all were invited, the whole tribe turned up for this great feast, during the serving of communal lord’s supper which obviously consisted of bread & wine ‘ the tribal spokesman Henry Brown Bear jumped up and said ‘’ There isn’t enough to eat here, let’s go home and eat’’ Everyone got up and left that preacher stood there.
(1800s)

 

[goodhunter819]

I found this it's under current subculture joke pic, the devil's poetic justice , LOL,LOL,LOL,LOL