Loneliness is killing us!

[Vee]

I have a friend who recently got divorced and the last time we met he was telling me about how lonely he felt. He had built a dynamic involving his wife and mostly other couples and now that the marriage fell apart he’s having a hard time coping with the social changes.
I told him to be patient, seek the company of friends regularly and try other activities involving people so he wouldn’t feel so left out. I wanted to cheer him up and motivate him so I never told him that what he’s been dealing with for a few weeks is something I’ve been dealing with for years and although I have some decent coping mechanisms, loneliness is what it is and there’s no point making up stories or sugarcoating it: it’s hard and it sucks. I hope he’ll be able to rebuild his life and that this is only a bad moment that he’ll overcome.

Then a few days ago I started reading this book by Gail Honeyman. It’s called “Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine” (fantastic book BWT). At one point the main character says this:
“These days, loneliness is the new cancer - a shameful, embarrassing thing, brought upon yourself in some obscure way. A fearful, incurable thing, so horrifying that you dare not mention it; other people don't want to hear the word spoken aloud for fear that they might too be afflicted, or that it might tempt fate into visiting a similar horror upon them.”

I read this a few times before moving on to the rest of the story. I don’t like to think about loneliness, much less talk about it. I like to pretend that if I ignore it, if I think about something else, if I’m very busy all the time with other things, it will go away.

But that comparison to cancer was like a slap on my face. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for a long time. Is it really that serious? I went online and looked for articles about the subject and I found hundreds, all from the past ten years or so. They all convey more all less the same message: loneliness is killing us.

What a sad reality in a world of 7.5 billion people!

Here’s the links to some of the articles I found in case anyone is interested in knowing more:
https://www.pressreader.com/canada/the-province/20170130/281698319471196
Loneliness: The New SmokingLoneliness is killing us – we must start treating this disease | Philippa Perry
How Social Isolation Is Killing Us
https://www.thenationalcouncil.org/...ersation-former-surgeon-general-vivek-murthy/
Loneliness is Killing us | HeadHeartHand Blog
Loneliness Is Killing Us – We Must Start Treating It Like One of the World's Deadliest Diseases

 

[YmirGF]

Then again, life itself is killing us, not that I want to minimize this, but simply to put it into perspective. People can learn to cope with being alone and my guess is that the problems with being alone go to the core of self-esteem. People train themselves to setup dependency relationships that, when gone, leave fairly large holes. That this is so prevalent is problematic as everyone does it to lesser and greater extents.

 

[sun rise]

I've known people who at times have felt lonely in a crowd or even with their friends.

 

[suncowiam]

Loneliness is a complex emotion unlike simply being sad or angry.

Like all emotions, it is there to drive us to a different state, hopefully, a better state.

If we never felt loneliness, then we would not need to make family units. We would all be hermits... Imagine that.

Just accept our emotions as natural and use them to build drive and commitment. Athletes use anger to be better. Use it to find a "better" place.

 

[David1967]

I've known people who at times have felt lonely in a crowd or even with their friends.

Yeah, I'm that way at times. That's Ok, I like my alone time.

 

[BSM1]

Then again, life itself is killing us, not that I want to minimize this, but simply to put it into perspective. People can learn to cope with being alone and my guess is that the problems with being alone go to the core of self-esteem. People train themselves to setup dependency relationships that, when gone, leave fairly large holes. That this is so prevalent is problematic as everyone does it to lesser and greater extents.

Then there are people like me. If I were marooned on a desert island, Tuesday night would still be comedy open mic night (I hope you're the same). I feel you're right on the dependency building aspect.

 

[YmirGF]

Yeah, I'm that way at times. That's Ok, I like my alone time.

One thing I have seen repeatedly is that many people are uncomfortable being alone. It's almost like they keep persistent diversions in front of them so they won't be forced to face their fears.

Then there are people like me. If I were marooned on a desert island, Tuesday night would still be comedy open mic night (I hope you're the same). I feel you're right on the dependency building aspect.

Hehe. For me, every moment is "comedy open mic night". One of my daddy's best pieces of advice was to never ignore the opportunity to do a good sight gag.

 

[BSM1]

One thing I have seen repeatedly is that many people are uncomfortable being alone. It's almost like they keep persistent diversions in front of them so they won't be forced to face their fears.



Hehe. For me, every moment is "comedy open mic night".

You're fortunate to have that much material, lol.

 

[PureX]

Loneliness is a state of mind, not a state of being. And we can change our state of mind, if we are willing to put a bit of effort into it.

A lot of men, in particular, have difficulty living on their own after having been "tended to" by a souse for so many years. They have not learned how to tend to their own needs, or even to identify them in some cases. And so they feel particularly lost when their role as husband/father, etc., is over.

Of course seeking out like-minded people to spend time with is important, but in the end, I think one has to look inward and learn how to identify and meet one's own internal needs. Like joy of living, individualized identity, a sense of purpose, self-respect, and social responsibility, and so on. I think we adults feel lonely because we are too often children living in adult bodies, and trying to play the adult roles. But we need to take the time and effort to actually become the strong, individualized adults that we've been pretending to be. And when we have done that, we won't be feeling so 'lonely', anymore. We can become our own 'company'.

 

[The Holy Bottom Burp]

Sure, there is a big difference in being alone and being lonely, it really depends on your life history; on you as an individual. Personally, I'm enormously at ease in my own company, it doesn't bother me that I don't have loads of friends or a rich history of relationships under my belt. Such things are sometimes seen as a measure of "success" or "normalcy" in our culture, complete BS I'd say, don't let other people dictate to you. However, if being alone does make you unhappy, do something about it. Don't sit and mope and feel sorry for yourself.

The link to the Guardian article in the OP link suggested psychotherapy as a possible "treatment" for loneliness. I disagree, just go out and join a group with people of a like mind. I sometimes think many church goers are lonely, and the church provides them with a community, contact with people that they wouldn't otherwise have. Nothing wrong with that, though it is a sad reflection on the world at large that we don't talk to each other anymore. Curiously we spend loads of time and effort communicating on social media; it is not uncommon to see people sat at a table as a group not saying a word to each other, but tapping away furiously on their phones! Crazy world!

 

[Sunstone]

I enjoy being alone. Although I don't quite know why, I very seldom experience any pangs of loneliness.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

I've always liked alone time, but that may be because it's hard to find.
However, like all things, a balance is best.
Sports has always been a conduit to meet more like-minded people in an authentic way for me, so we're trying to make sure our daughters are active in groups outside their school.
(Be it sports or otherwise)

 

[YmirGF]

I enjoy being alone. Although I don't quite know why, I very seldom experience any pangs of loneliness.

I've often quipped, "I'm alone, but I'm not lonely."

Something as mundane as a trip to the store, talking with a few lovely people, is enough to satisfy my need for human interaction. Anyways, that way I've got more time to spend teasing the deer with bits of apple.

 

[PureX]

I enjoy being alone. Although I don't quite know why, I very seldom experience any pangs of loneliness.

Same for me, and I don't really know if it's a good or a bad thing. Should I miss the company of others, more? I don't know. But I've lived alone for many years, and have long since figured out how to find my own sense of joy and fulfillment in life.

 

[Sunstone]

Same for me, and I don't really know if it's a good or a bad thing. Should I miss the company of others, more? I don't know. But I've lived alone for many years, and have long since figured out how to find my own sense of joy and fulfillment in life.

Anti-social miscreant!

 

[Vee]

Yeah, I'm that way at times. That's Ok, I like my alone time.

I like my alone time too. Not only I like it but I need it. That doesn't mean I don't feel lonely sometimes.
I believe most of us have reasonable levels of loneliness and are able to cope but there are people who are horribly lonely.
That affects them emotionally and then it reflects on their physical health. It used to be a problem mostly of the elderly but is now becoming a problem of all ages. Even children are lonely with their phones and tablets and what else. There is all this technology but no real connection anymore.

 

[David1967]

I like my alone time too. Not only I like it but I need it. That doesn't mean I don't feel lonely sometimes.
I believe most of us have reasonable levels of loneliness and are able to cope but there are people who are horribly lonely.
That affects them emotionally and then it reflects on their physical health. It used to be a problem mostly of the elderly but is now becoming a problem of all ages. Even children are lonely with their phones and tablets and what else. There is all this technology but no real connection anymore.

I agree with everything you said Vee. Myself, when I feel lonely it rarely has to do with whether or not anyone is near me or not. It's more, I don't know, spiritual maybe. Most of the time i enjoy solitude. Helps me get more in touch with myself. One of my best friends however is terrified of being alone.

 

[PureX]

Anti-social miscreant!

Whatya mean? I LIKE people. I just like them better from a distance!