lying and telling

[lunakilo]

Yesterday my son (age 7) came home from school without his hood.
When his father asked him where it was, he said some of the older boys had run off with it.
His sister (age 9) informed her father that that wasn't true. He had in fact lost the hood himself.

We got very angry at my son for lying of course.

What really bothers me is that I don't really know what to say to my daughter; that little snitch.

Should I be mad that she back stabbed her brother or happy that she told the truth?

 

[Breathe]

If you are mad at your daughter you may cause her to trust you, and people in authority, less when she sees people doing the wrong thing.

 

[lunakilo]

If you are mad at your daughter you may cause her to trust you, and people in authority, less when she sees people doing the wrong thing.

But what i the wrong thing (or the right thing for that matter)?

Is it the right thing to tell on your brother?

 

[idav]

I'm not really sure that being a snitch is such a bad thing. I prefer truth rather than the guilty always having a place to hide. As it is now we can't ever say anyone is guilty of anything because the demand for evidence is so high.

Though I do get a bit tired of the kids always tattling to the point that they just point at each other when someone does something wrong. I'd just prefer to know when they are telling the truth.

 

[Breathe]

But what i the wrong thing (or the right thing for that matter)?

Is it the right thing to tell on your brother?

Right, yes. Desirable, no. Really, it's a question of loyalty (family) or honour (to the law).

But if your brother was hanging out with the wrong crowd, would you not want to get it corrected through family, before he ended up in prison?

 

[Alex_G]

Yesterday my son (age 7) came home from school without his hood.
When his father asked him where it was, he said some of the older boys had run off with it.
His sister (age 9) informed her father that that wasn't true. He had in fact lost the hood himself.

We got very angry at my son for lying of course.

What really bothers me is that I don't really know what to say to my daughter; that little snitch.

Should I be mad that she back stabbed her brother or happy that she told the truth?

People lie out of fear, even children. I would prob not get too angry with the boy, just let him know its ok that he lost it, you know he didnt mean to, and that there’s no need to lie. We all lose things from time to time. You can get another and next time he can learn from this and be more careful.


With your daughter, I'd of course want to make sure what she said was infact true, but if it was i think its good that she told you, not so you thought your boy was being subjected to bullying or anything. Losing a coat is a lot better than having it taken from you from a bunch of older boys. Frame it so that she is rewarded for looking out for her younger brother.
But to ensure she doesn’t get gratification or reward from a 'snitch' perspective, i return to my first point of not being too harsh/mad at the boy. This would show her that telling the truth is good, for the right reason, but not an effective way to get 'one up' on her sibling.

 

[Amechania]

I guess I'd let my son know that it's no crime to lose things but to put the blame on someone else is never okay. I would not punish him for either. He probably feels bad enough already. Just let him know that as his parents he can trust you to always tell the truth, so he should always be truthful as well. Your daughter didn't do anything wrong but I would ask her as deftly as possible why she felt it was important to inform on her brother. She may need to learn the difference between bringing something to light to help or protect someone and fingering someone just for damn meaness.

 

[lunakilo]

Right, yes. Desirable, no. Really, it's a question of loyalty (family) or honour (to the law).

But if your brother was hanging out with the wrong crowd, would you not want to get it corrected through family, before he ended up in prison?

Yes, but my first action would probably be to tolk to my brother about what he was doing rather than running straight to my father and telling him that my brother was doing something wrong.

I guess it is the fact that she immidiatly involved a grown up that bothers me.

Think of a group of children at school running over to a teacher shouting "Peter kicked Paul! Peter kicked Paul!".
Why do they need to involve the teacher and get Paul in a lot of trouble?
Wouldn't it be better if they could solve the problem them selves? They could tell Peter that he shouldn't kick Paul and that he should apologize to Paul.

I would have liked my daughter to convience her brother to tell the truth rather than tell the truth for him.

 

[lunakilo]

People lie out of fear, even children. I would prob not get too angry with the boy, just let him know its ok that he lost it, you know he didnt mean to, and that there’s no need to lie. We all lose things from time to time. You can get another and next time he can learn from this and be more careful.


With your daughter, I'd of course want to make sure what she said was infact true, but if it was i think its good that she told you, not so you thought your boy was being subjected to bullying or anything. Losing a coat is a lot better than having it taken from you from a bunch of older boys. Frame it so that she is rewarded for looking out for her younger brother.
But to ensure she doesn’t get gratification or reward from a 'snitch' perspective, i return to my first point of not being too harsh/mad at the boy. This would show her that telling the truth is good, for the right reason, but not an effective way to get 'one up' on her sibling.

I actually knew about the hood before she told her father.
They talked about it when I walked them to school and he didn't have hes hood, they told med then that he lost it the day before ( he always looses thing, hoods, gloves, socks :cover, but their father didn't know my son lost the hood before he came home from school.

It is the 'one up' on her sibling I am worried about...

 

[lunakilo]

I guess I'd let my son know that it's no crime to lose things but to put the blame on someone else is never okay. I would not punish him for either. He probably feels bad enough already. Just let him know that as his parents he can trust you to always tell the truth, so he should always be truthful as well. Your daughter didn't do anything wrong but I would ask her as deftly as possible why she felt it was important to inform on her brother. She may need to learn the difference between bringing something to light to help or protect someone and fingering someone just for damn meaness.

Yes, I hear you.

 

[Breathe]

Think of a group of children at school running over to a teacher shouting "Peter kicked Paul! Peter kicked Paul!".
Why do they need to involve the teacher and get Paul in a lot of trouble?
Wouldn't it be better if they could solve the problem them selves?

No; because the chances are that won't do anything, and Paul will kick Peter back, ending up with both of them being punished.

They could tell Peter that he shouldn't kick Paul and that he should apologize to Paul.

In an ideal world, yes -- but things rarely happen that way. Does Peter know that kicking someone is wrong? Of course he does. He's just a little brat because he thinks he can get away with it because he thinks he's more powerful.

I would have liked my daughter to convience her brother to tell the truth rather than tell the truth for him.

That would be ideal -- but it doesn't always play out that way. Chances are she may have felt awkward if you took it up with the school only to find out he was lying, and she knew that he was lying, but you didn't tell her.

 

[dust1n]

What's a 'hood'? Like a hoodie? A coat thing of sorts?


I wouldn't be too upset with neither, tbh. Granted, I don't plan on ever having kids, so take anything I saw with about them with a grain of salt. But, I remember in my younger years that lying to the 'rents usually entails that the kid is well aware that there will be negative consequences to the truth, or that the truth being out there will be more hassle than it's worth. Kid just didn't want to get in trouble.. ya know? Granted lying isn't great, I'd expect it to happen often as time passes, as all kids lie to adults all the time. If he knew his sister was going to tattle, then he would have been straight-forward in the first place.

 

[joe7]

hi...
person lie for himself.
and so close relative.

 

[Sunstone]

Seems to me it depends on whether you want your daughter to value truth above other considerations, such as how others feel about her telling the truth. If you do, then your daughter may one day grow up to be a fine scientist. If you place more value on other considerations, however, she may yet grow up to be a fine politician or preacher.

 

[cocolia42]

you should ask your daughter why she felt the need to tell you the truth. If it was to get her brother in trouble, then you need to explain to her that it's not ok to do that. If it was to keep an innocent person out of trouble, then she's right for doing it. Just make sure she understands when it's ok to "snitch"

 

[Me Myself]

But what i the wrong thing (or the right thing for that matter)?

Is it the right thing to tell on your brother?

Is it the right thing to lie to your mom?

Intention is important here. Why did she tell you?