My junket through psychosis

[Whiterain]

I logged in for the first time in ages trying to find a conversation to get into. I suppose I'll go on some long in the tooth novel posting spilling my guts instead, the place is rather tame.

Two years ago now I decided to approach a psychiatrist about my chronic delusions of the Gods. I was on ziprasidone for about 3 months, until July 2015, mostly for temporal psychosis, not entirely the delusions. That is some potent pharma, let me tell you... It was amazing at first, the aggression and frenzy went away, I was sublime for about the first 2 months. Then I noticed I had put on 30 pounds, hadn't become aroused for months and was experience horrible migraines, muscle spasms. It took a horrible turn for the worst and I started have heart palpitations. The last week I was taking my libido came back immediately, so it was quite an extravaganza.

Basically my experience with psychiatric medicines were abysmal. I hope others fare better, but intently talk with your psychiatrist about the side-effects, mine took 3 months to take full effects.

I was also on Buspirone, anti-anxiety, for ptsd and all, for about a month, it was causing my to have severe suicidal urges, which is a known side effects. Mentioning suicide isn't a cry for help, it was just the nature of the situation. I do not want to take my life, I am at peace and all, it was an overwhelming chemical imbalance. I learned suicide can be chemically induced, something people should be ultimately aware of, perhaps even the foods we eat, pharma, chemicals may induce suicide, it is a shame.

I'm not discouraging pharma use, just make sure your doctor explicitly discusses the side effects. Mine was like, they may cause so and so and so and so, your sex drive my decrease, like in one sentence.


As far as my spirituality all is well, I am at peace. There's really nothing to say about my UPG, there's nothing to say that's really relevant or a reason to stop the press. I wanted to try and help people with my experiences but that's just not that the nature of the situation. You wouldn't see my on a soap box preaching about the rapture. The ridicule, even hostility, is to be expected, of course.

It's not that I sought psychiatric help for help, I love my mental illness, I was trying to do the right thing and because the Gods told me too. With all of it on paper though my career goals had to change, but I did the right thing. In July 2015 I came to terms with myself and had tried to realize all my wrongs, that I am wrong. So I keep to myself a lot more these days, but I'm not totally socially withdrawn. But in any given allocation I'm the one that's wrong, regardless of whether I am or not.



Blase' Blase', New years 2016 I decided to embrace the intensity of sobriety for a while, I had planned a wagon ride to let the livvy regen. I traditionally drank Friday's and Saturdays until inebriation. So I've been at mach speed for about 9 months now, this new years I'm getting obliterated. So I did this to prove not only to myself, I knew I could quit anytime, but to the nay Sayers, the Quakers, the one's that labeled me an alcoholic.

However, gone sober so long I haven't stepped out to town in over a year now except for work. I'm a pale ghast of my former self... Loathsome, edgy... Manic... The bleak intense nature of sobriety keeps me constantly on edge...

So I turned to martial arts instead of pharma to cure my primal needs, biological necessities.



I am at peace with the Supernatural, life and death, "mediocrity". I'm doing terrific as of right now.

 

[Burl]

A decade or so ago I was prescribed Risperdal for my manic outburst which I refused to take. Now someone gets a 70 million dollar settlement for developing breasts from it (c'est la vie). Perhaps there is intelligence in the design whereby one becomes female (I just let my hair grow).

I'd like to see your journal if you have one (I'll show you mine if you show me yours) Here's some of someone else's:

 

[Whiterain]

A decade or so ago I was prescribed Risperdal for my manic outburst which I refused to take. Now someone gets a 70 million dollar settlement for developing breasts from it (c'est la vie). Perhaps there is intelligence in the design whereby one becomes female (I just let my hair grow).

I'd like to see your journal if you have one (I'll show you mine if you show me yours) Here's some of someone else's:

Unfortunately I don't really have anything, but it would sound ludicrous no doubt. Although some would find the historical anecdotes relating to the Gods infuriating, I suppose. I am a "Highly functioning" type, I guess, and quite a bit more collective than this. I usually only contrast my delusions with other peoples religious delusions, they're generally entirely unique. I become disheartened often accepting I am just delusional, but there are others that have similar views, but the phenomenon is no more cosmic than coincidence. There have only been a few instances were me and another have had similar or the same experiences or visions. I honestly do not struggle with the disease, it just threw a wrench in my career goals. I am set back a few years in the education department now, only having an associates in general studies. Now at 30 I will be returning to college for a BS in something like Engineering or Networking with tuition assistance benefits through my job. I was going to lie about it at first and that went on for several years before I came to terms that it was unethical as a professional.

I have relented on sharing my UPG's anymore. It's not like there's a message in it, it's personal, and even that makes people mad. There are people starving to death out there and Gods consoling you?! No matter if God made it rain wine and chickpeas something out there is going to be starving to death or kill, people made up a God that met all needs and disregarded the facts of nature. Tens of millions of dollars from all around the world, billions even, go into humanity programs that aren't working so people blame the divinities. God doesn't need to personally spoon feed an African baby applesauce for tens months so it' gut doesn't burst before eating solids, use a contraceptive.