My Mother died this week.

[fantome profane]

Saturday night my mother had a stroke, and because she was on blood thinners for other conditions she bled quickly and profusely into the brain. She died Sunday morning, after several doctors told us several different ways that there was nothing they could do. This has been very hard for me; I suppose that should go without saying. I am 41 years old and I have never experienced a loss like this, and I know that means I have been incredibly fortunate. But this has been very hard for me.


In the time since we have been busy making arrangements, calling family and friends, preparing for the funeral, and I have been constantly hearing people talk about my mother meeting up with her family that has “gone” before her and about how we will meet again.

I do wish I believed this. I have tried to believe this. There may have been a time when I could have forced myself to believe this, but not now. I could be wrong, but I just cannot believe this is true. Please understand I am not posting this because I want anyone to try to convince me this is true, and I am not asking for prayers, and I am not looking for debate of any kind. I actually have no idea why I am posting this, but I am.

My mother is not “just in the next room”, she is not “waiting for us”, and she has not been “reunited with her Father”. She is dead.

Maybe that is why I am posting this here. Because I cannot say these things. And I must say these things.

But if reality is in the mind, then my Mother does still exist. She is as present in my mind as ever. I still hear her voice and see here face clearly. I wonder if I always will. And I understand why people believe the dead live on. Because I do still see her, I do still hear her. She is still with us. But she is dead.

 

[Engyo]

FP - you and your family are in our prayers.

She is no longer physically with you, but she lives on as long as you remember her.

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

I'm sorry, fantome.



My father died five years ago. One thing that I took comfort in was that he would "live on" through his legacy, the memories of those around him, and the impact he had on the world. I don't know if thinking in those terms will help you, but I found it helped me.

Edit - something else to keep in mind: people tend to fall back on what they're comfortable with in difficult situations. It might help to take those platitudes about how your mother has "gone to a better place" or the like as a placeholder for "I want to comfort you, but I don't know how." There's probably genuine concern behind what they're saying, even if the way it's expressed is a bit off-kilter.

 

[Vendetta]

Fantome my condolences. I lost my mom in '01 and I was overseas. I pray that her positive influence on you brings some comfort to your soul.

 

[Pegg]

Im sorry for your loss. Our loved ones do live on in our memory, and I believe, not only in our memory, but also in Gods memory.

 

[idea]

But if reality is in the mind, then my Mother does still exist.

information cannot be destroyed...
Even Atheists Go To (Insert Afterlife Here) | Wired Science | Wired.com

so there's a little immortality in all of us, call it a thought that persists, or a spirit, or information, or whatever you want...

sorry to hear of your loss... right before mother's day... I've been thinking of mothers lately, just had to write mine a card to get in the mail - I told her that she influenced me and how I raised my kids, that her influence would last for generations... it takes a lot to be a mother...

 

[Kathryn]

Dear Fantome,

I am so sorry for your loss. My mother had a severe stroke a few years ago and we almost lost her. During that time, the grief and loneliness of even the idea of her death was nearly overwhelming. I can only imagine what you are facing now.

When my dear grandmother died, I felt a lot of what you are describing now. The deep well of emptiness when I would realise "She's not here anymore! I can't see her face, I can't brush her hair, I can't smell her sweet scent or hold her hand anymore!" was so, I don't know, frustrating and maddening and very bleak.

(My grandmother was very active in my life for 40 years - she even lived with us when I was a child, and would often come visit me later in life for weeks or even months at a time. My children and I were very close to her.)

Unlike you, I do believe that there is an afterlife and that I will see my grandmother again. I also believe that she is alive "somewhere out there," and that she is somehow aware of me, and that her love still surrounds me. Nevertheless, that doesn't do much for us right now, does it? It can't alleviate the yearning for that person right here, today - tomorrow, next week, next year...we miss them so much and time looms before us, empty of their sweet presence. There's no way around that sorrow and there's nothing anyone could say to you to make you miss your mom less.

One thing I did find out though (and this really surprised me) is that there is a beautuiful side of grief. That side is what I like to call sweet gratitude - gratitude for the time we were able to spend with this precious person. Gratitude for their presence in our lives, every precious moment. We were blessed beyond measure by every smile, every laugh, every tear or tender moment we shared with them, and those cannot be taken from us - ever.

Some people are never lucky enough to have such a person in their life. Were they perfect? No, of course not. But they were OUR loved one - a precious gift that we can carry in our heart forever.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[*Anne*]

I'm so sorry. Much love and strength to you. ((hug))

 

[Misimo]

Fantome,

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. My condolences to you and your family. I can understand how you feel because I, like you, haven't dealt with any significant loss in my life as relates to death. Recently though, I lost my favorite Aunt. And that was difficult. But by no means am I saying that it is on any measure near loosing a mother.

I, like you, believe that when a person dies, they are simply dead. They cease to exists. I do not believe in an afterlife. But, I do believe that they live on in our memory as well as in God's memory. But, will we have a chance to see our loved ones again? I believe so. But not in heaven. I believe that we will have a chance to see them on earth because I believe that there will be a future resurrection of the dead to life here on earth.

I think you posted because you need to talk about her. So talk. Its all apart of grieving.

 

[horizon_mj1]

She may not be with you in body, but as long as she is with you in mind, she will eternally be with you. Remember her when she was well and happy, this is a good way to truly honor the dead.

 

[Twig pentagram]

Sorry to hear this Fantome. Hotep and blessings to you and yours.

 

[Sententia]

Saturday night my mother had a stroke, and because she was on blood thinners for other conditions she bled quickly and profusely into the brain. She died Sunday morning, after several doctors told us several different ways that there was nothing they could do. This has been very hard for me; I suppose that should go without saying. I am 41 years old and I have never experienced a loss like this, and I know that means I have been incredibly fortunate. But this has been very hard for me.


In the time since we have been busy making arrangements, calling family and friends, preparing for the funeral, and I have been constantly hearing people talk about my mother meeting up with her family that has “gone” before her and about how we will meet again.

I do wish I believed this. I have tried to believe this. There may have been a time when I could have forced myself to believe this, but not now. I could be wrong, but I just cannot believe this is true. Please understand I am not posting this because I want anyone to try to convince me this is true, and I am not asking for prayers, and I am not looking for debate of any kind. I actually have no idea why I am posting this, but I am.

My mother is not “just in the next room”, she is not “waiting for us”, and she has not been “reunited with her Father”. She is dead.

Maybe that is why I am posting this here. Because I cannot say these things. And I must say these things.

But if reality is in the mind, then my Mother does still exist. She is as present in my mind as ever. I still hear her voice and see here face clearly. I wonder if I always will. And I understand why people believe the dead live on. Because I do still see her, I do still hear her. She is still with us. But she is dead.

Sorry for your loss mate. Hope all is well. If you need to chat let me know.

 

[tumbleweed41]

My condolences Fantome. You are in my thoughts.

 

[Mister_T]

My condolences Fantome. I just lost my father about a month ago to cancer and my cousin whom was like my brother 5 years ago to a blood clot. I feel very similar as you do. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here to bend an ear.

 

[Quagmire]

Sorry for you loss, Fantome Profane. My mother died of exactly the same thing many years ago, and just as sudden.

Best wishes and peace to you and your family.

 

[RitalinO.D.]

Sorry for your loss bro.

 

[kai]

I am sorry for your loss and wish you strength.

 

[ChristineES]

I am very sorry for your loss.

 

[Cricket]

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my Dad suddenly, last July, and it sent me into a spiritual journey of sorts, because suddenly, I NEEDED to know where my Dad was. It became urgent to me.

In that time, I resented those platitudes said by others, like the "better place", because I didn't believe or understand it to be true, and therefore, it rang hollow to me. However, now I'm coming to my own understanding and while I don't necessarily believe those people to be correct in a literal sense, I do find some truth in those words now.

I know how impossible it is to find comfort so soon after losing a loved one. It never gets easy, but it does get easier. The best advice I received was from a friend's mother: Your brain will flit in and out sometimes, you might find yourself laughing, or even forgetting for a minute. Take these moments as gifts, rather than sources of guilt. The brain can only deal with grief in small increments, or the pain would be too much to bear.

My father's memory and legacy is with me every time I strum my guitar. (We were both musicians.) I sometimes feel very close to him in those moments, and they bring me great comfort. You will find as time goes on, little things will remind you, and you will feel close to her again.

Be well, and my sincere condolences.

Cricket

 

[Starsoul]

So sorry to hear of your loss, may you and your family have patience and courage to bear with this loss, amen.

I also believe that humans just move on into the next world, and are very much there in presence, but in the next world. It is our belief that all our loved ones are united in our next stage of life, which sadly comes after our physical demise. Loosing a mother can be really saddening and its fortunate for those who get to spend sometime with their mothers , very fortunate indeed.