Need advice about a friend (too)

[Spiderman]

Yes,
This thread was inspired by @Rival who had the same question.

There is this young man who knocks on my door at sometimes 2:00 AM to use my lighter or phone.

He just invites himself into my room and sits down, analyzes everything in my room, hangs out, and asks me for things (including money).

I lock my door when i leave now, cos of him.

I didn't used to, but if I don't respond when he knocks, he just invites himself in.

I think he is probably mentally ill, and I feel for him, but this is really getting on my nerves.

Doesn't he realize that you don't knock on your neighbors door at 2:00 am to use his lighter (to light a cigarette).

I don't answer the first time he knocks, so he knocks again, I don't answer, he knocks again

Why can't he go buy a cheap lighter for a friggin dollar?

I have a suspicion the guy spends his money on tobbaco, alcohol, and drugs.

Then he invites me to his room at the early AM hours... I go for a while, listen to his annoying hip-hop, watch a movie, listen to him chatter... I feel it is the christian charitable thing to do.

But eventually it gets annoying, so I tell him "I gotta go".

He keeps insisting "finnish the movie, finish the movie".

Eventually I simply say "I'll see you tomorrow, my friend, take care", and leave.

I guess I'll simply tell him "please don't knock on my door after midnight". Possibly put a "do not disturb" sign on my door...

But i feel sorry for the guy as well. He obviously has problems, and I don't want to cause him grief or feelings of rejection

Have you had experiences like this?

My room is sort of a shrine, with pictures everywhere, and it is sort of my personal place that is hard for people other than myself to understand, so I simply don't like people in my room, and he just invites himself in and walks around analyzing everything, asking questions, giving advice, etc, and he doesn't ask if he can enter.

He just seems quite oblivious... I truly feel for eccentric people or those with psychological disabilities and afflictions, but sometimes best to not be too kind to them .And establish boundaries...

 

[Cacotopia]

uh buy a lighter and slip it under his door, with a note. I like my privacy.

How poor is he that he can't buy a light or hold on to one.

 

[Rival]

He needs help. Is there no-one t whom you can refer him and talk about this? Just keep the door locked.

 

[Spiderman]

uh buy a lighter and slip it under his door, with a note. I like my privacy.

How poor is he that he can't buy a light or hold on to one.

Yes...a lighter for him with a note does sound like an excellent idea...

 

[Spiderman]

He needs help. Is there no-one t whom you can refer him and talk about this? Just keep the door locked.

I live in the ghetto...it is chock full of loonies...who are out of their mind...

There are staff on another floor who interact with him at times, yes... but I'm not going to tell them to intervene... I just don't do that...

 

[jonathan180iq]

Buy him a lighter and be honest with your need for space, especially late at night.

Also, when you continue to go over to someone's place, you're only inviting more future visits. If you really don't want much to do with this guy, then you have to stop being so available.

 

[Cacotopia]

He doesn't respect your personal boundaries because you have allowed him to trample on them. That's the bottom line. I don't know what else to say. Is he dangerous? You can word it respectfully, lay some ground rules down, maybe say you are trying to sleep earlier I don't know what your schedule is like, also don't go over to his place? Or bring some of your music if you don't like his rap, make him listen to what you like.

 

[Spiderman]

He doesn't respect your personal boundaries because you have allowed him to trample on them. That's the bottom line. I don't know what else to say. Is he dangerous? You can word it respectfully, lay some ground rules down, maybe say you are trying to sleep earlier I don't know what your schedule is like, also don't go over to his place? Or bring some of your music if you don't like his rap, make him listen to what you like.

Not sure if he is dangerous...he talks about fights he's been in and getting shot...so, that certainly is not a good sign...

I really want to be nice to him though, and feel bad for people with mental problems...my conscience tells me to be kind and compassionate...but I am reaping some of the consequences of kindness

 

[Spiderman]

I like some rap... just what he was listening to sounded like a shallow-minded, whining child...

Ah well...

...he obviously lacks prudence and decision making skills, and I feel for such people, cuz I got a similar problem...but I respect boundaries (unless I'm on something).

In this situation, I have to ask, "what would Jesus do?"...

 

[stvdv]

25 jun 2018 stvdv 012 90

My room is sort of a shrine, with pictures everywhere, and it is sort of my personal place that is hard for people other than myself to understand, so I simply don't like people in my room, and he just invites himself in and walks around analyzing everything, asking questions, giving advice, etc, and he doesn't ask if he can enter.

I used to have a big problem saying "NO". That word just was not in my vocabulary. I had to learn it.
The universe kept sending in worse people, until I could not escape anymore and decided "enough is enough". Last one threatened me in a subtle way "If people tell around what I tell them, and I will find out, I have my guys you know and then I send some other guys to those who blabbed to much". That opened my eyes.

Lucky for me he moved to another place, but wanted to keep contact. I told him "I am in a new episode in my life, I need my own space. Health is not good, so I need silence. I just can't stand people in my house. You are not the problem, it is just me. Some emotional stuff is going on, I just can't handle it anymore. I do hope you understand this, I really need to be on myself now".

I was like you "Bible says:Love thy neighbors and stuff". Finished for me. If my neighbor is a siberian tigre, I don't visit him, nor let him in my room. Some humans are like tigres. Jesus wants us to use common sense IMO. And you know, some people don't want to be helped. And the Bible clearly says "brush the dust from your sandals, turn around, leave this place, and never return there". The trick with the Bible is, that we should never take one verse. We need all context and it should be tailored on our situation even.

Bottomline: you should feel good and above all, you should feel safe around the people you invite in your room/house. That is my criteria at least. That works for me. If someone gives me the creeps I do not want them around me. God also gave me my feelings to listen to. What does your spider do when someone is not nice to him.

If he comes again, you could drop Goliath on top of him. Probably he never contemplates entering your room ever again. But even better learn to put up borders.

Good example. I walked with a friend to his house. He handed me the key saying "You open the door". I opened and was about to enter, when he yelled "He, you, I only said open the door, I did not say you could go in". Oops, sorry I said, he entered the room, and then he said "okay now you can enter". As if nothing happened. But I learned a great lesson, how normal it is to set your borders.

Hope this helps. Wish you strength to set your borders. You will feel much better and safer. And remember, you have a great teacher, I can't imagine Goliath let others cross his borders.

Namastee brother. Reading your story reminds me of myself [still working on setting borders myself]

 

[Nakosis]

He just seems quite oblivious... I truly feel for eccentric people or those with psychological disabilities and afflictions, but sometimes best to not be too kind to them .And establish boundaries...

Seems easier to establish boundaries who folks who actually are your friend than those that aren't. So good luck with that.

Maybe he thinks of you as family. Setting boundaries with family seems darn near impossible.

 

[Spiderman]

So...I see him today and say "I think I'll just buy you a lighter"...I kid you not, he said "No, that's okay, you're good"!

Really? What is this guy Nuts!

(It's a rhetorical question)

I'm still convinced that he's a good person and that I should be kind to him....He's just frustrating...

who isn't? *Sigh*...

 

[stvdv]

25 jun 2018 stvdv 012 94

So...I see him today and say "I think I'll just buy you a lighter"...I kid you not, he said "No, that's okay, you're good"!

Really? What is this guy Nuts!

(It's a rhetorical question)

I'm still convinced that he's a good person and that I should be kind to him....He's just frustrating...

who isn't? *Sigh*...

That is good news. You got me a bit worried [him talking about violence]. If he feels like a good person then you are safe, and you can use this situation to practice setting borders. And then you can train him in a way that he behaves like a good guest when in your room.

 

[InChrist]

You can remain kind to him, but I suggest you set boundaries and remain firm in keeping them. Proper sleep is very important and a lack of sleep is hazardous to a person's health. So you could let him know you do not what your sleep disrupted by his visits in the night and kindly tell him not to knock on your door between certain hours.

 

[Spiderman]

You can remain kind to him, but I suggest you set boundaries and remain firm in keeping them. Proper sleep is very important and a lack of sleep is hazardous to a person's health. So you could let him know you do not what your sleep disrupted by his visits in the night and kindly tell him not to knock on your door between certain hours.

True!

 

[Father Heathen]

Answer the door while naked.

 

[Spiderman]

Answer the door while naked.

Well, funny you should say that... I answered the door once and he asked me about a wet spot on my crotch...

I told him, sometimes I p*** myself and bleed out of my penis after urethra damage and surgery...

And I told him about having had STD's, stabbing a man, being crazy and addicted etc...

and it wasn't urine (the wet spot he asked about)...and he certainly didn't want to hear those gross details...

...but it certainly hasn't stopped him from visiting...

 

[Spiderman]

Honestly, the guy seems kinda clueless...

If I answered the door naked, he'd probably leave, but not learn his lesson unless it happened five times in a row...lol

Just kinda how he comes across...

 

[Spiderman]

Answer the door while naked.

Not sure if that would do it...
He seems crazy...

...but if I sh*t on the floor and rubbed feces on my wall and door knob, I think he'd get a clue and not come back...

 

[Cacotopia]

Not sure if he is dangerous...he talks about fights he's been in and getting shot...so, that certainly is not a good sign...

I really want to be nice to him though, and feel bad for people with mental problems...my conscience tells me to be kind and compassionate...but I am reaping some of the consequences of kindness

You can be kind at the same time and not allowing him to do whatever he wants around you. Friends respect other friends boundaries.

In my opinion he is not your friend. Maybe he has Asperger's Syndrome.