Opponents of Polyamory -- Present Your Arguments

[columbus]

My husband's girlfriend is not just someone he engages sexually with, she is a woman in who he is in love with, just as he is in love with me.

You aren't the first to believe this and you won't be the last.
Tom

 

[Riverwolf]

I think the obstacles here are that we're still suffering from the cultural baggage of thinking of our partners as "ours", or that our partner has some sort of ownership of us. We don't specifically outright say that we have ownership save for the emotional attachments to the phrases "I'm his" or "He's mine." But we do attribute a sense of property, in a way, in our relationships and think that if we don't do that or think that, we don't care enough about our partners.

Moonwater and I have both agreed that we are naturally going to sometimes feel attracted to other people, and so shouldn't feel ashamed or jealous when those feelings show up. We feel what we feel, and we trust each other to be honest, openly communicative, and to act responsibly with and towards each other.

 

[Riverwolf]

You aren't the first to believe this and you won't be the last.
Tom

If it's possible to plutonically love more than one person, why then is it impossible to romantically love more than one person?

Besides, not all romantic relationships involve sex. What would you say to a polyamorous relationship where one of the partners is asexual and doesn't engage in any sexual activity with the others, but is otherwise romantically involved?

 

[Alceste]

Moonwater and I have both agreed that we are naturally going to sometimes feel attracted to other people, and so shouldn't feel ashamed or jealous when those feelings show up. We feel what we feel, and we trust each other to be honest, openly communicative, and to act responsibly with and towards each other.

Yeah, my husband and I are the same. I don't miss jealousy and guilt, that's for sure! The trouble with serial monogamy is that every fleeting attraction tends to be perceived as a threat to the relationship. Heck, every fleeting attraction IS a threat.

 

[Curious George]

It's fine. ^_^ And just so you're aware, when I call your argument narrow, I don't mean to imply that YOU'RE narrow-minded. I'd like to think I'm open-minded, but I can make, and have made in the past, arguments that proved quite narrow. Even the most open-minded people can make narrow arguments.



No, that's not necessarily true.

Polyamorous relationships are EXTREMELY difficult to maintain. Any committed relationship already requires each person to give up about half of their lives and identities to the other person. Introduce just one more person, and now you're giving even more.

If anything, it allows for new relationships even less than monoamorous relationships for that reason.



We can make that agreement, but first I do want to clarify. You don't have to respond or argue to my clarification, and we can just drop that particular worm can. (Though I don't know what you mean when you say "coupling off in .gd manner". Could you clarify that?)

I never said anything about anyone being "second class". Everyone still loves each other equally and provides for each other as equally as possible. Nobody is "outside" or "second class". The only inequalities that exist are the same kinds that naturally exist in any multi-person family.

Besides, if the relationship is healthy, then all members are communicating: voicing any concerns, expressing any doubts, etc. If a secondary finds that he or she is not okay with a specific situation, then everyone can talk and come to an agreement. Any feelings of jealousy, competition, etc. are addressed and dealt with by communicating them to all parties, making sure there are no secrets whatsoever, and not letting those feelings fester for any length of time: they're addressed in some kind of family meeting as soon as they come up. It's just like any healthy relationship in that regard.

I, personally, have a very passive and submissive personality. Even though I'm in a very committed monoamorous relationship with Moonwater, hypothetically if I were in a polyamorous relationship that didn't involve Moonwater, I'd be perfectly happy as a secondary, as long as my needs were getting met. On the other hand, if another woman were brought into our relationship (MW and I have talked about this, and it's not at all likely to actually happen), MW would still be my primary. All that means is that in the case of some kind of relationship fracture (which would mean nobody's communicating, anyway), by default I'd stay with MW and the other woman would have to go. (For the record, I did ask her beforehand if I could bring this up, and she said it was fine.)

It's the same inequality that would exist in the case of child custody during a divorce. Sharing the child equally might not be practically or physically possible, so one parent has to get primary custody. (The issue of fathers getting custody less than mothers is irrelevant to this debate.) When my parents divorced, my mother got primary custody. Doesn't mean either of my parents love me less, or that I love my mother more than my father. Nor does the inequality that now exists with my father remarried to a woman who has children (two of whom have moved out) mean either of us are second-class. He's now my step-brother's father, too. But I still take some level of priority.

My point is, you don't always need perfect equality to have perfect balance. As for those who only ever shoot for absolute perfect equality in any relationship, polyamory might not be for them.

But allowing for equality also means allowing other healthy relationships to act as all parties have agreed upon, even if that means some kind of hierarchy being established. If a family can make that work, all parties having agreed to it and everyone being happy with it, who are we to judge them as somehow "lesser" than non-hierarchical relationships? Wouldn't such a judgment mean that there isn't equality, since only certain types of relationships are judged as worthy of acknowledgement, while others, even while perfectly healthy and happy, are judged as terrible?

After all, except for the three socio-political parameters set by a certain famous document, people aren't, in fact, created equal.

The .gd was supposed to read bff. My phone auto corrected.

And I think that your point is a good one. Allowing for some hierarchy is not necessarily wrong, as I have portrayed. I acknowledge that this is a personal bias of mine. For many years women were not seen or treated as equals in relationships and many people felt this was fine and dandy. I personally would not want my son or daughter to feel as though they did not have or merit equal value in a relationship, regardless of whether the relationship was monogamous or polyamorous.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

Moonwater and I have both agreed that we are naturally going to sometimes feel attracted to other people, and so shouldn't feel ashamed or jealous when those feelings show up. We feel what we feel, and we trust each other to be honest, openly communicative, and to act responsibly with and towards each other.

I didn't realize you two were together!

 

[Gehennaite]

Being in any kind of romantic relationship is futile to me. I have otherworldly ambitions and I'm not going to bear the burden of some fellow human's life while here on Earth. Marriage is for those not gifted with continence.

Therefore, I am diametrically opposed to all forms of romanticism - whether "mono" or "poly".

That doesn't mean I still don't have opinions on what is successful for the human species. When investigating "poly" behaviors, one should wonder why no civilization has ever been modeled after such relationships. Monogamy has been the model for successful relationships, families, and societies for thousands of years (let that sink in, thousands of years: hundreds of civilizations).

Not even "poly" people can deny the successes of monogamy, for they are essentially practicing monogamy, just in a dualistic or pluralistic setting. If they didn't have the opportunity to experiment with these boundaries, it seems to me they would probably be monogamists.

Well it is the view of some polys in this forum that they are more ethical and more communicative with their partners than monogamous people. In other words, they are poly-supremacist who do have a problem with people having a different opinion and wish to censor those voices. That is what this is all about. They believe they are better and that us lowly monogamists need to shut up and accept their lifestyle as superior.

I've read plenty of testimonies on "poly" living and it does seem to me that it is essentially an egocentric lifestyle.

Egocentrics regard themselves and their own opinions or interests as being the most important or valid. Egocentrism.

Edit: I'm not really surprised by their responses. I actually find it amusing they continue to make threads on the topic asking for criticism. It's as if they have an agenda.

 

[Nymphs]

I am sorry if you do not understand.

You are using a bad argument. While it is appealing to your ego I am sure, it is just removed from logic.

You didn't answer the question.

Are you polyamorous? Yes or no.

It's quite simple.

 

[Nymphs]

You aren't the first to believe this and you won't be the last.
Tom

That's just insulting.

Are you married? Is your wife just your *********? And was she when she was your girlfriend and fiancee?

Seriously. That's just poor judgement and a rotten opinion.

Did you know that some polyamorous relationships don't even include sex, but emotional intimacy? What would you call them -- **** buddies too?



Come back when you actually know what you are talking about.

 

[Nymphs]

Yeah, my husband and I are the same. I don't miss jealousy and guilt, that's for sure! The trouble with serial monogamy is that every fleeting attraction tends to be perceived as a threat to the relationship. Heck, every fleeting attraction IS a threat.

Same here.

 

[Nymphs]

Egocentrics regard themselves and their own opinions or interests as being the most important or valid. Egocentrism.

Edit: I'm not really surprised by their responses. I actually find it amusing they continue to make threads on the topic asking for criticism. It's as if they have an agenda.

That's nice, but not true.

BTW, I'm the one making the threads. Polyamory is a new thing in my life, I'm going to talk about it. Problem? Take it up with me instead of trying to blame polyamorists everywhere for your apparent bias.

P.S. If I was so egocentric, why on earth would I even consider letting my ex-girlfriend date my husband?

 

[Gehennaite]

That's nice, but not true.

BTW, I'm the one making the threads. Polyamory is a new thing in my life, I'm going to talk about it. Problem? Take it up with me instead of trying to blame polyamorists everywhere for your apparent bias.

P.S. If I was so egocentric, why on earth would I even consider letting my ex-girlfriend date my husband?

LOL. I'm not going to play these rhetorical games with you. I'm not emotionally invested in this subject enough to care. You asked for a perspective and you got it.

Every intelligent person knows sexuality is subjective and therefore should not be offended when others judge yours. People don't need to incorporate and accept each other's worldviews into their own.

Why you would even feel inclined to listen to the opinions of others is beyond me. If you're so confident in yourself, why bother?

 

[Nymphs]

Why you would even feel inclined to listen the opinions of others is beyond me. If you're so confident in yourself, why bother?

Because I'm interested in what other people think.

You never answered my question.

 

[Nymphs]

LOL. I'm not going to play these rhetorical games with you. I'm not emotionally invested in this subject enough to care.

You are emotionally invested enough to post. :yes:

 

[Curious George]

You didn't answer the question.

Are you polyamorous? Yes or no.

It's quite simple.

Nor do I plan on answering. But that doesn't really matter. If you need help understanding, I am willing to take the time to walk you through the reasoning.

Cheers.

 

[Nymphs]

Nor do I plan on answering. But that doesn't really matter. If you need help understanding, I am willing to take the time to walk you through the reasoning.

Cheers.

If you aren't going to answer, then your opinion doesn't hold much weight. Thanks but no thanks. And as one of my favorite posters said,

It seems you haven't read my posts.
This doesn't appear to be going anywhere productive.

 

[Curious George]

If you aren't going to answer, then your opinion doesn't hold much weight. Thanks but no thanks. And as one of my favorite posters said,

Ok. I must have misunderstood. I thought you were curious about others thoughts on the subject, not others sexuality. My apologies.

 

[columbus]

P.S. If I was so egocentric, why on earth would I even consider letting my ex-girlfriend date my husband?

Because you don't want him to make a choice you aren't in control of.

Tom

 

[kashmir]

Its completely obvious that some here are not so comfortable with their own sexuality to treat this subject as an "us vrs them" argument.

"Please present arguments to why you disagree with my lifestyle"
This doesn't even make sense at this point.

My argument?
I have the up-most respect for my body and view making love one of if not the most sacred thing one can share with their lovers.
Almost all animals seem to behave in the same fashion.
One mate, one lover, and one life partner.

If others wish to behave in the complete opposite to how I feel, who cares really?

Some here think their lifestyle is an argument that one should have to defend if they disagree with it, it is not, it's petty drama.

 

[oldbadger]

P.S. If I was so egocentric, why on earth would I even consider letting my ex-girlfriend date my husband?

.......... can you share or is it private? Can I ask questions? If any of these are 'not good' questions, please just ignore them, ok? I'm just interested to learn more.....

What went wrong with that relationship? ........ your ex-girlfriend?

How often do your relationships fail?

When did your husband fall in love with her? .....or did he just fancy her?

You mention letting your ex-girlfriend date your husband...... Would your ex-girlfriend have listened if you had said 'no'? Would your husband have listened?

What happens if your husband falls in love with somebody that you don't like, or don't approve of? Is he free to choose as and when he finds love?

What if you meet someone that you fancy sexually, and they like you, but your husband is not happy about that particular person.... what then?

That will do for now...............