Pagan Terrorism

[lewisnotmiller]

Just 19.99? You're a saint, you know that? Willing to pay for the gravy out of your own pocket.

I feel like I should contribute SOMETHING, ya know?
Besides, I have a shopper discount docket which hasn't expired yet.

 

[Revoltingest]

Oooh...are you a pagan terrorist too? Do you eat the little buggers after you drown em, or are you just going all 'Wrath of God' on them for no apparent reason?

We just like to see the ants crushed by the yellow peril, see them driven before us, & hear the lamentation of their queen.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

We just like to see the ants crushed by the yellow peril, see them driven before us, & hear the lamentation of their queen.

I was going to post some other random crap thought that entered my head, but actually, bringing in a Conan the Barbarian reference is well-played, sir.

*bows*

 

[The Hammer]

I've been scoping the world wide web of stupidity, and have come to the following startling conclusion;

There have been terrorists of all religious flavours, except Paganism. I can even include atheism in there, although to use an ice cream analogy you'd have to think of an empty bowl, rather than vanilla. Consider the following examples (of course, I could have listed more);

Christians : IRA, UDA
Hindus : RSS
Atheists : The League of Militant Atheists
Muslims : Abu Sayyaf
Buddhism : 969 Movement
Judaism : Irgun

What becomes immediately apparent is that there are no Pagan Terrorists. At least, no ultra violent ones. This immediately raised my suspicions, as it seems quite likely that all discussion of Pagan Terrorism in the media has been quashed.

It took some serious investigation, but I managed to find an eye-witness who could confirm for me some of the extreme depravities of Pagan Terrorism. The informant is NOT an English speaker, so I have taken the liberty of translating for you, dear Reader, but please be assured this is an accurate translation.

Anyone with a weak stomach shouldn't read on. We've changed the informants voice to prevent her being identified, due to the dangerous nature of these claims, and will refer to her as Deep Throat;

LNM : Thank you for granting this interview, I appreciate the risk you are taking here. Could you start by telling our listeners about the events you were recounting to me off air, in relation to the more extreme terrorist activities you have personally witnessed?

DT : Boook.....book, book, cluck....cluck, cluck, CLUCK. CLUCK. BOOK, BOOK, BOOK.

Translation : It was a cold day, and we were huddled together for warmth. A terrorist burst in through the door, eyes wild, surveying us like we were just bags of meat.

LNM : Ok. And what happened next?

DT : Book. Book, book. Cluck. Cluck. CLUCK, CLUCK.

Translation : He just came straight up to us and grabbed Whitey. Ripped her away from us, told us to settle down when we protested. Right in front of us he checked his knife, made sure it was sharp.

LNM : Ok. Did you know the attacker was a Pagan Terrorist at this time?

DT : Book. B....B.....Book. B....C.....Cluck....

Translation : No, but he started praying to his...his...sorry this is hard, you know? His Pagan Gods. Can I have a moment?

*brief pause in tape*

LNM : All right, we'll try and continue, okay? Did you see what became of Whitey after the prayers had finished?

DT : CLUCK, CLUCK, CLUCK!!!!

Translation : He killed her! Quick and clinical! Just killer her! Just...killed her!!!

LNM : And...I know the next part is hard, but...can you tell our listeners what came next? What you told me happened after that?

DT : Book. Book, book, cluck. Cluck.

Translation : Another terrorist came in. A woman. She...she started suggesting the best way to cook Whitey. I...I think they were going to...to eat her. Oh, God, can we stop the interview? I...I can't do this any longer...

*tape ends*

Crud... My cover is blown!!! *Runs to chicken coop to find the dissenter*

 

[sun rise]

Don't forget the Unitarian Jihad in your list of terrorist groups.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Don't forget the Unitarian Jihad in your list of terrorist groups.

That sounds like something Terry Pratchett would have written in Small Gods...lol
There's not a turtle floating about, is there??

 

[Jumi]

Varg Vikernes - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Killing his bandmate for being "communist" and "gay", he is a lowly murderer with false honor.

 

[Rival]

What about all the Zoroastrian terrorists? Or are we:

To hard for you to discover
Hidin' undercover,
In the name of Ormazd
Blowin' up yer trash.
Prayin' to the fire,
Throwin' you on a pyre,
We Zoroastrians be comin' for you,
In the holy name of Spenta Mainyu!
Better watch out,
Lord Mazda's terrorists about.

 

[Brickjectivity]

American Pagans overwhelmingly supported Obama, so they're terrorists. I know that they supported Obama, because they're Pagans.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

I didn't just come across this interview, I conducted it. I also did the translation, since I couldn't trust anyone else to get it right.

Oooh...SMART.

I'm in.

Good. I'll be needing more ingredients for the chicken casserole tomorrow. Can you be a dear and be sure I have everything I need?

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Don't forget the Unitarian Jihad in your list of terrorist groups.

Given that part of the advice was to go and lay basketball, I'm thinking of becoming a member.

Brother Infinite Range of the Jumpshot or something.

 

[Gargovic Malkav]

In my experience, what comes closest to "Pagan terrorism" tend to be cults, or individuals or small-time gangs of youths who are into thrill killing, rather than being something organized with political goals.