Religion vs Spouse

[illykitty]

It's amazing how some people can't answer a simple question without being judgemental... Anyway!

Well, in some cases compromises can be done, a middle ground. In others, well, have to decide which is more important... A spouse or spiritual growth. It's such a hard decision because spiritual growth can be as important as growing in a personality level or job or anything else. It's part of who you are and it's not pleasant, to say the least, to hit a brick wall when you feel you can do so much more!

I don't have anything to say except for trying to communicate (if the partner doesn't shut down). Say why it's so important and listen to them too, expressing why it bothers them.

It might help a little to have both sides of the coin but I get why it's so difficult. Unfortunately it's not something I've figured out yet.

 

[Question_love_act]

Sounds like a husband that wasn't paying enough attention to his wife.

He must have been leaving her alone a lot, and not talking to her, for her to have come into contact with proselytizers that had time to convert her.

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That's not what happened. She converted herself after reading about the different Abrahamic religions. She did not know any other Muslim person at the time.

I understand that the Islamic religion is patriarchal, but... Many religions are. In fact, it's not easy to find a non-patriarchal religion.

 

[sojourner]

But what if they convert after marriage? I have a friend who was married Catholic, but then converted both to Anglicanism. No problem until... My friend became Muslim. Now he doesn't like her wearing the hijab, though he knows that what makes her happy and spiritually grown.

somebody who does that much religion-jumping doesn't sound particularly "entrenched," as I posited.

 

[sojourner]

Oh! Here's a good one:

Wife is a Buddhist and wants to shave her head - husband finds this a turn off. What does she do?

She should become a Sikh and try to grow a beard...

 

[Treks]

Sojourner: So, do you think she should do what her religion tells her to do, or she should do what makes her husband happy?

Let's forget about everything else please. This thread isn't about Islam. Thanks.

 

[Treks]

She should become a Sikh and try to grow a beard...

That's offensive. Do you want to try again? If not, get out of my thread.

 

[Question_love_act]

What my friend chose is her religion, saying that since her husband loves her wholly, he has to love her religion. People change and evolve after all, they never remain like the day your marry them.

 

[illykitty]

What my friend chose is her religion, saying that since her husband loves her wholly, he has to love her religion. People change and evolve after all, they never remain like the day your marry them.

Ditto. I changed quite a bit from the first time I met my husband to now. You can't expect people to not evolve! Especially if you marry someone who has an open mind and inquisitive nature.

 

[Breathe]

Oh! Here's a good one:

Wife is a Buddhist and wants to shave her head - husband finds this a turn off. What does she do?

Hmmm... shave her hair and wear a wig or trim her hair short, but not too short? E.g., a bob, pixie cut, something similar?


Comprimise is quite important in a relationship... it's only difficult when at two extremes, or neither is willing to budge. Especially if someone interprets something (e.g., hijab) as being mandatory, and her husband likes his women to wear next to nothing... I don't think there is an easy fix there, the hijab is gonna win.

 

[Ingledsva]

Thank you Ingledsva, however the reference to hijab is just to illustrate the actual question of wife wanting to do something the husband doesn't want her to do. Let's forget the hijab example, it's causing confusion.

Let's say, husband converted to a religion after marrying wife. Husband's new religion tells him to wear pink polkadot pointy hats all day every day and wife doesn't like that. Husband feels torn between his religion and his wife. Who wins? Who should win?

You gave a specific story.

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In a case where it makes them stand out in a crowd, isolates, or endangers the person, - I would logically have to go with the other partner, rather then the religion.

If it were something like the Mormon Holy Underwear, let them wear them.

*

 

[Ingledsva]

Sojourner: So, do you think she should do what her religion tells her to do, or she should do what makes her husband happy?

Let's forget about everything else please. This thread isn't about Islam. Thanks.

Actually this brings to mind --

Why do patriarchal religions want to make women invisible?

Why do they want to own women?

Why do people feel an outward appearance connotes an inner Spiritual enlightenment?

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[Treks]

You gave a specific story.

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In a case where it makes them stand out in a crowd, isolates, or endangers the person, - I would logically have to go with the other partner, rather then the religion.

If it were something like the Mormon Holy Underwear, let them wear them.

*

Oh, I thought I was being clear that the examples were to illustrate the original question that was poorly worded.

Thank you for sharing your views.

 

[sojourner]

Sojourner: So, do you think she should do what her religion tells her to do, or she should do what makes her husband happy?

Let's forget about everything else please. This thread isn't about Islam. Thanks.

I think that religion is about wholeness. and any religion worth its salt would not purposefully drive a wedge between marriage partners. Religion always seeks for wisdom, authenticity, and truth. She should do whatever promotes her wholeness (she was married before she changed religions) and is in accordance with wisdom, authenticity and truth.

 

[sojourner]

That's offensive. Do you want to try again? If not, get out of my thread.

Why is that any more offensive than this?:

Wife is a Buddhist and wants to shave her head

If you don't want to be offended by ridiculous statements, don't ask ridiculous questions that beg ridiculous answers.

 

[sojourner]

Hello

Do you and your spouse/partner/significant other disagree about your religion, or parts of it?
Are there elements of your religion that your spouse disagrees with, or doesn't like?
Does your religion require you to do certain things or wear/not wear certain things which your spose doesn't like?
How does that make you feel?
Do you feel your spouse should take precedence, or your religion?
Do your answers change if you had partnered with your spouse before you converted to your religion?
And anything else you'd like to say about any conflict between your spouse and your religion.

Religion wasn't meant to be a wedge between spouses. Ever. The real question is: Why would anyone want to believe in something that's going to place them at odds with their committed parter???

 

[Falvlun]

In my view, two adults ought to be able to live together comfortably with differences of opinion on religious matters.

Politics, however, is a different matter.

 

[Falvlun]

I think that spouses should try to accommodate their partner's religious preferences. If they find that this is something they cannot live with, then they may need to seek a divorce.

 

[Caladan]

The best solution in my opinion is a compromise. The person who is trying to follow a religion strictly has to consider the space and needs of the partner and Vice versa. If one person following a religion means that the spouse has to compromise on social activities or their quality, cuisine, or any other areas then it is only fair that the other side will compromise as well.

For example while my brother in law is not religious, he is still traditional. So we do our best to eat only kosher food when with him. However, if for any reason the food is not fully kosher he will not complain or cause any problem. After all it takes two to tango. It also helps that there is an epic Jewish proverb which teaches that right behavior between people comes before observing religious laws. In this case if you have to compromise a little on how strict you are in order to create a healthier family and social environment you should go for it.

 

[Vinayaka]

I think people get married too soon without really looking into what just might come up. But lets face it, this kind of thing does come up. In every single case that I've seen it ended in divorce. There are initially efforts at compromise, but the person who becomes 'religious' just feel too held back, and the other person feels helpless. So it's religion over marriage unfortunately.

 

[Caladan]

I think people get married too soon without really looking into what just might come up. But lets face it, this kind of thing does come up. In every single case that I've seen it ended in divorce. There are initially efforts at compromise, but the person who becomes 'religious' just feel too held back, and the other person feels helpless. So it's religion over marriage unfortunately.

I might be missing something here, but it seems that the religious members tend to say that the religious person is held back or should not be held back. What about the secular person? is he not held back or has to make great sacrifices?

Personally I think there is something unfair for one partner to suddenly make big changes which effect the entire marriage and both partners. And if they still want to do it and be in a fair marriage they too have to compromise.