Green Gaia
Veteran Member
Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's witness?
A: Someone who knocks on your door asking what YOU believe in.
A: Someone who knocks on your door asking what YOU believe in.
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Religious Jokes - Post Your Best!
- Thread starter Green Gaia
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Green Gaia
Veteran Member
There was a 3-alarm fire on a corner where a synagogue, a Catholic church, & a Unitarian church stood. The Rabbi ran in & saved the Torah, the Priest ran in & saved the Crucifix, & the Unitarian ran in & saved the coffee pot.
(Yes, I'm still laughing at that one.
)
(Yes, I'm still laughing at that one.
)
Runt
Well-Known Member
LMAO. That last one is SOO true! Does your congregation gather for coffee after every sermon? Ours loves coffee so much we're considering makeing a UU coffee shop at the church (or perhaps elsewhere).
How 'bout this one:
Q: What is the Unitarian Universalist Trinity?
A: One God, at least, if any...
How 'bout this one:
Q: What is the Unitarian Universalist Trinity?
A: One God, at least, if any...
Green Gaia
Veteran Member
Runt said:
Before, during, after... we love our coffee lol.
I love this one too:
A little woman of middle years requested the clerk to cut 40 yards of pink chiffon for her. When he asked her what she could possibly want with 40 yards of chiffon, she explained, "I'm making a nightie for myself."
"But surely you don't need 40 yards. You are not a large woman."
"Yes, but my husband is a Unitarian and he'd much rather look for something than actually find it."
Runt
Well-Known Member
LMAO, that's good! I'm remembering one right now, but I can't quite remember how the joke goes. So, warning, this may be lame:
Q--If the KKK wants to terrorize a Christian family, they burn a cross in their front yard. What does the KKK do to terrorize a Unitarian Universalist family?
A--Burn a question mark in their front yard!
Q--If the KKK wants to terrorize a Christian family, they burn a cross in their front yard. What does the KKK do to terrorize a Unitarian Universalist family?
A--Burn a question mark in their front yard!
Green Gaia
Veteran Member
LOL! I've heard that one too.
A Christian couple decide one Sunday to visit the Unitarian church near their home. After the service on the walk home the wife asks "Well Honey, what did you think of the service?" The husband replies. "It was very nice I enjoyed the music and found the sermon quite thought provoking. There was just one problem though." "What is that? Dear." asks the wife. "The only time I heard 'Jesus Christ' was when the janitor fell down the steps."
A Christian couple decide one Sunday to visit the Unitarian church near their home. After the service on the walk home the wife asks "Well Honey, what did you think of the service?" The husband replies. "It was very nice I enjoyed the music and found the sermon quite thought provoking. There was just one problem though." "What is that? Dear." asks the wife. "The only time I heard 'Jesus Christ' was when the janitor fell down the steps."
Green Gaia
Veteran Member
Do you know why there are no Unitarians in Heaven?
Because they heard there was a choice between going to Heaven or going to a discussion group about the existence of Heaven.
Because they heard there was a choice between going to Heaven or going to a discussion group about the existence of Heaven.
Ardhanariswar
I'm back!
this joke is kinda funny. i dunno. its also kinda wrong, hindus can sleep with cows.
A Jew, A Hindu, And A Lawyer
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One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn.
The Hindu and the lawyer were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the lawyer and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
The lawyer grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when here was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
A Jew, A Hindu, And A Lawyer
Send this Joke
Printer Version
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn.
The Hindu and the lawyer were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the lawyer and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
The lawyer grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when here was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
Irenicas
high overlord of sod all
Well, there is that old one that i quite like - you've probably heard this so, sorry!
One day there was an awful flood in a village, and one man, a devoted Christian, was caught on his roof, with the waters rising. He couldn't swim, and so was trapped. After five minutes, a boat came along and the crew yelled "quick, jump aboard", "no", he answered, "God will save me". The waters continued to rise, and then a diver swam past. " Quick, jump in and I'll help you get away", but the man again said "no, God will save me". The waters continued to rise, and now only his head was above the water. Another boat cam along, and they called "quick get in! We will save you!". But the man said "no, God will save me". The waters rose, and the man drowned. After he died, his spirit went up to heaven and he met St Peter at the Gates. "Why didn't God save me?" he asked. Peter looked at him and cried:
"He sent a diver and two boats, what more do you damn well want?"
One day there was an awful flood in a village, and one man, a devoted Christian, was caught on his roof, with the waters rising. He couldn't swim, and so was trapped. After five minutes, a boat came along and the crew yelled "quick, jump aboard", "no", he answered, "God will save me". The waters continued to rise, and then a diver swam past. " Quick, jump in and I'll help you get away", but the man again said "no, God will save me". The waters continued to rise, and now only his head was above the water. Another boat cam along, and they called "quick get in! We will save you!". But the man said "no, God will save me". The waters rose, and the man drowned. After he died, his spirit went up to heaven and he met St Peter at the Gates. "Why didn't God save me?" he asked. Peter looked at him and cried:
"He sent a diver and two boats, what more do you damn well want?"
Ardhanariswar
I'm back!
ya, i heard about it. theres a lot of meaning to it.
it means that God wont send literal signs. you gotta see them and accept them as from God. he is all around you, sending ambulance and stuff, not sending sexless angels in white robes and halos from the sky.
it means that God wont send literal signs. you gotta see them and accept them as from God. he is all around you, sending ambulance and stuff, not sending sexless angels in white robes and halos from the sky.
Sam Bloom
Member
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well, if you're that far, you may as well finish."
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded, "Well, if you're that far, you may as well finish."
Green Gaia
Veteran Member
Jesus in the Bathroom
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
Pah
Uber all member
Elvendon
Mystical Tea Dispenser
Here is one:
While meeting at a local interfaith council, a Roman Catholic Priest, a Protestant Pastor and a Rabbi struck up a conversation. They realised they enjoyed many things in common - theology, golf, classical music and... gambling. Thinking that it would be much more fun to play poker with other men of the cloth, the three decided that they would meet regularly to play some cards and put the world to rights.
Anyway, in the state these three were living in, gambling was illegal. So, when the local sheriff got an anonymous tip-off that these three pillars of the community were getting up to no good once a week in the Catholic Church's vestry, he was very concerned, and didn't want to believe it. So, he went round to the place that Wednesday evening, when the three met, and knocked on the door. The holy men, realising they had been rumbled, scrambled to hide all the cards, money etc. When they had done this, the Priest opened the door, and in came the sheriff. Not wanting to arrest any of the men straight away, the lawman decided to ask them if they had been gambling, thinking that they would not lie if they had been.
First, the sheriff turned to the priest and said "Father, have you been gambling here tonight?"
The priest looked up to the heavens, crossed himself and muttered "Forgive me father, for what I am about to do" before looking the sheriff square in the eye and saying "No my son, I have not been gambling."
The sheriff then turned to the pastor and said "Pastor, have you been gambling?" The pastor looked up at the heavens, strechted his arms skyward and cried "Forgive me Lord Jesus, Ah ahm ah sinnah!" before, like the priest, looking the sheriff square in the eye and saying "No sah, Ah have not been gamblin"
Finally, the sheriff looked at the Rabbi. "Rabbi, have you been gambling?"
The Rabbi gave a wry smile, shrugged and said "Who with?"
I love that one ^^.
While meeting at a local interfaith council, a Roman Catholic Priest, a Protestant Pastor and a Rabbi struck up a conversation. They realised they enjoyed many things in common - theology, golf, classical music and... gambling. Thinking that it would be much more fun to play poker with other men of the cloth, the three decided that they would meet regularly to play some cards and put the world to rights.
Anyway, in the state these three were living in, gambling was illegal. So, when the local sheriff got an anonymous tip-off that these three pillars of the community were getting up to no good once a week in the Catholic Church's vestry, he was very concerned, and didn't want to believe it. So, he went round to the place that Wednesday evening, when the three met, and knocked on the door. The holy men, realising they had been rumbled, scrambled to hide all the cards, money etc. When they had done this, the Priest opened the door, and in came the sheriff. Not wanting to arrest any of the men straight away, the lawman decided to ask them if they had been gambling, thinking that they would not lie if they had been.
First, the sheriff turned to the priest and said "Father, have you been gambling here tonight?"
The priest looked up to the heavens, crossed himself and muttered "Forgive me father, for what I am about to do" before looking the sheriff square in the eye and saying "No my son, I have not been gambling."
The sheriff then turned to the pastor and said "Pastor, have you been gambling?" The pastor looked up at the heavens, strechted his arms skyward and cried "Forgive me Lord Jesus, Ah ahm ah sinnah!" before, like the priest, looking the sheriff square in the eye and saying "No sah, Ah have not been gamblin"
Finally, the sheriff looked at the Rabbi. "Rabbi, have you been gambling?"
The Rabbi gave a wry smile, shrugged and said "Who with?"
I love that one ^^.
EnhancedSpirit
High Priestess
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve!
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve!
Melody
Well-Known Member
You know you are in a Texas church when
The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"
The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"
Melody
Well-Known Member
And God Created Woman
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Melody
Well-Known Member
Really Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."