Repentance for the sins

[Priyadarshan]

I have committed many sins, but there are a few things which weight particularly heavy on my soul, and the heaviest is the wrong that I have done to 3 girls in my life.
1st girl was a Roman Catholic, someone I met on internet, like over 9 years ago. She absolutely adored me and used to enjoy my company, but then one day she suddenly disappeared. I searched for her for years, but when I couldn't get her to talk, I began to talk very low of her, even used abusive words. But I did not even think about anyone else for over 7 years.

Then almost 7.5-8 years later, during my masters I met a Hindu girl. To be honest, I was never even attracted to her, but since I could clearly see the love that she had for me, I decided that I'll try and hopefully someday I'll be able to love her. But then, once I took her on a day out, she began to ask for more from me. And ultimately asked me to take her to a hotel and do the thing. My stupid self just wanted to please her, so I obliged and did everything except the actual penetration (I'm sorry if it is wrong to say it here, I don't know how else can I describe it since I have limited proficirncy in English). Same things happened once more, and I knew that I'll never be able to love her , and hence won't ever marry her. So, I slowly walked away from her. But, I really regret that I allowed myself to get physical with her, which could have been easily avoided. She thinks that I have used her and thrown her away, and I don't know what can I do to not make her feel that way. Once I realized my sin, I tried to talk to her, but she doesn't even wish to see my face anymore.

Then the third one, a Sikh from my own city. Beautiful, beautiful soul. I can say that she easily was the only girl who ever made me feel what love is ( though now my perception, conception and definition of love has changed). Just like the second girl, she was also my classmate in the masters. But I talked to her only 4 months after leaving that second lady. She wouldn't talk much, is extremely religious, and is even more shy and introverted than me. These things would make me feel that she is only the other half of my soul... So I told her how I felt. But unfortunately, she did not feel the same way. And after that, our conversations stopped, discomfort grew and she completely cut me off. But I was not able to get over her for next 1.5 years till I didn't find my love for God. I would say extremely idiotic and stupid things to her from time to time, which would leave her no option but to block me as well. And ofcourse, till the time I could repent, it was too late.

And now, that I have found true love in the feet of the almighty, these sins weigh too heavy on my soul. I feel like I have wronged people who were not a part of ky family and they had to, or may will have to suffer because of me in the future. Particularly the events that took place in the second case greatly bring me down, for I know that marrying such a person would be a repentance but I also know that she'll suffer because of it, since I feel completely detached from worldly desires now, and won't really prove a good husband to anybody anymore. Only reason why I am in the society is because I believe I have my duties towards my family, particularly my parents, without fulfilling which I cannot renounce the society. But this is cedtain that someday I will renounce everything for sure.

So my question is, is there any ritual, fasting, punishment, anything, that I can carry out to repent for these sins? I would do anything, I just wish to know that all they do not feel any sorrow or hurt because of me anymore. I just want to know that God will forgive me and return full glory back to those women, and maybe allow them to forgive me.

I know its long, but I hope somebody could answer these questions. I'll really do anything. I know that considering the amount of sins I have done, I might not be freed from the cycle of birth and death, but maybe God will enlighten me enough to keep me from committing same mistakes ever again, whether in this life or upcoming ones.

 

[SalixIncendium]

Hi @Priyadarshan. I see from your profile that you identify as Hindu. I also see you, like me, come from Catholic background.

I'm just curious about the extent you've studied Hinduism and other dharmic religions, because in reading this, if I didn't know better, I would have guessed you were Christian.

Sin, repentance, and punishment are more Catholic/Christian concepts and not so much dharmic or Hindu ones. In Hinduism, there is the principle of karma, which is a principle of causality. It the simplest terms, negative actions bring negative consequence, and positive actions bring positive consequence.

So there really is no ritual, fasting, or punishment (at least that I'm aware of, but I'm not a Bhakti) one can perform as a "get of the hook easy" for negative actions. If one does something negative, that negative karma is carried either until a negative consequence befalls that person or that person performs a positive deed to offset the negative karma.

Here is an article for you to read to gain a detailed understanding of karma:

Karma - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Finally, if you don't want people to hurt anymore because of something you've done, try a sincere and heartfelt apology...a selfless one intended not to heal you, but to heal them.

 

[mangalavara]

I have committed many sins, but there are a few things which weight particularly heavy on my soul

You are not alone, Priyadarshan. All of us do many things that are pāpa or bad, and all of us have done things that weigh heavily on us. This is normal in Kaliyuga.

but when I couldn't get her to talk, I began to talk very low of her, even used abusive words.

Did the Roman Catholic girl hear you use the abusive words?

I really regret that I allowed myself to get physical with her, which could have been easily avoided.

It is very difficult to avoid taking such an opportunity. Knowing this—and considering that whatever had occurred was consensual and was done with the aim of pleasing her—please do not be harsh on yourself.

She thinks that I have used her and thrown her away, and I don't know what can I do to not make her feel that way. Once I realized my sin, I tried to talk to her, but she doesn't even wish to see my face anymore.

You only wanted to avoid what you knew in your heart was not the path for you. That the Hindu girl felt used and thrown away was obviously unintentional on your part. When it comes to men interacting with women, especially at a young age, we are prone to making mistakes that irk them or even hurt them emotionally. This is because men and women see things rather differently. (When I was in my 20s, interacting with a young woman as either a love interest or as a best friend naturally came with lessons to learn.) For those reasons, try not to be harsh on yourself.

after that, our conversations stopped, discomfort grew and she completely cut me off. But I was not able to get over her for next 1.5 years till I didn't find my love for God. I would say extremely idiotic and stupid things to her from time to time, which would leave her no option but to block me as well.

I am not sure what you mean exactly by 'extremely idiotic and stupid things.' Whatever it was that you had said, remember that you were a bit younger and still learning to interact with women. In the past, I said and did idiotic things in romantic relationships. Consequently, I learned that they were idiotic. It was just a part of learning to how to interact with women.

I feel completely detached from worldly desires now, and won't really prove a good husband to anybody anymore.

In my experience, feeling 'completely detached from worldly desires' at the beginning of the path to mokṣa does not mean that one is actually completely detached from worldly desires. Feeling so unattached to worldly desires at this time—and experiencing peace in your heart as a result—is how Bhagavān reveals to you that real and complete detachment is what you should seek. This is his prasāda, his grace, which indicates that he is delighted in you.

Only reason why I am in the society is because I believe I have my duties towards my family, particularly my parents, without fulfilling which I cannot renounce the society. But this is cedtain that someday I will renounce everything for sure.

This sounds sensible. Your dharma or duties with respect to your family, from my perspective, is a higher priority than donning a saffron robe and regretting not adhering to your dharma.

So my question is, is there any ritual, fasting, punishment, anything, that I can carry out to repent for these sins?

Just as you would not punish yourself for making a mistake while trying to cook rice, you should not punish yourself for making common mistakes at a young age in your interactions with women. It is part of the learning process.

I just wish to know that all they do not feel any sorrow or hurt because of me anymore.

Your feeling of compassion for the three young women is far nobler than the idea of rituals, fasts, and punishments to inflict on yourself for some mistakes. Have you ever heard of Mettā Meditation? Also known as Loving-Kindness Meditation, it is a practice in Theravāda Buddhism that many of us non-Buddhists like to practice. There are some instructions for it on BuddhaNet. If you try Mettā Meditation, you could include the three young women as especial objects of loving-kindness. This practice, by the way, is said to have positive effects on one's objects of loving-kindness in the meditation.

I just want to know that God will forgive me and return full glory back to those women, and maybe allow them to forgive me.

Bhagavān is a boundless ocean of pure bliss. By implication, he does not hold anything against you. Therefore, there is no forgiveness to seek from him. The young women, on the other hand, are finite beings. As @SalixIncendium had mentioned, the intention is not so much to heal yourself but to heal them. If none of them want to be directly healed by you, just respect their wish in a gentle manner. In that case, you can always do Mettā Meditation. It will positively affect them in an unseen way.

I know that considering the amount of sins I have done, I might not be freed from the cycle of birth and death, but maybe God will enlighten me enough to keep me from committing same mistakes ever again, whether in this life or upcoming ones.

Who is Bhagavān to you? Is he Śivaḥ? Viṣṇuḥ? Someone else?

I like what the Śiva-purāṇa says about one of the effects of śiva-nāma-japa. 'Mountainous heaps of great sins are destroyed as in a blazing forest fire when the names of Śiva are repeated. They are reduced to ashes without any difficulty. It is true, undoubtedly true' (Śiva-purāṇa: Vidyeśvara-saṃhitā 23.23). Considering that we have lived innumerable lives in samsāra, we have much more pāpam than we might assume. Fortunately, the japa of Śiva obliterates them, as the Śiva-purāṇa reveals. Moreover, in my experience, doing daily sessions of the japa of Śiva purifies the mind. The more that I do it, the purer my mind. The purer the mind, the gentler we are to others in our words and deeds and even our thoughts.

Lastly, if bhakti or devotion to Bhagavān is the spiritual path for you, know that liberation from the cycle of life, death, and rebirth is closer than you think. The Śiva-purāṇa says this: 'A person who is devoted to Śiva even as the others are devoted to sensual objects shall be liberated whether he performs or does not perform the Śaivite holy rites. He returns once, twice, or thrice but ultimately does not return' (Śiva-purāṇa: Vāyavīya-saṃhitā 2 28.29-30). Bhakti is characterized by satpreman, that is, love and affection that is real or genuine and also noble and high. Basically, we have to love the Lord not for worldly gains (which will come to us anyway due to his delight in us) but for him. Further, our love cannot be cheap: it has to demonstrate that we really do value him higher than anything else. For instance, if you do a fast for him and intend to break it at night, consider doing a session of nāma-japa in the early part of the night and then break the fast. This satpreman does not appear in us instantly. This is my experience: ask the lord every day for such love; he will certainly bestow it.

I hope, O Priyadarshan, that something in my reply is helpful to you. If anything here is wrong or not helpful, that is my error. Anything helpful is thanks to Bhagavān.

 

[Priyadarshan]

Hi @Priyadarshan. I see from your profile that you identify as Hindu. I also see you, like me, come from Catholic background.

I'm just curious about the extent you've studied Hinduism and other dharmic religions, because in reading this, if I didn't know better, I would have guessed you were Christian.

Sin, repentance, and punishment are more Catholic/Christian concepts and not so much dharmic or Hindu ones. In Hinduism, there is the principle of karma, which is a principle of causality. It the simplest terms, negative actions bring negative consequence, and positive actions bring positive consequence.

So there really is no ritual, fasting, or punishment (at least that I'm aware of, but I'm not a Bhakti) one can perform as a "get of the hook easy" for negative actions. If one does something negative, that negative karma is carried either until a negative consequence befalls that person or that person performs a positive deed to offset the negative karma.

Here is an article for you to read to gain a detailed understanding of karma:

Karma - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Finally, if you don't want people to hurt anymore because of something you've done, try a sincere and heartfelt apology...a selfless one intended not to heal you, but to heal them.

Thank you for the reply, SalixIncendium.
I do not have a catholic background, I was actually born in a Hindu Brahmin family, but for most part of my life, I have mostly remained agnostic just believing that the almighty exists, but never really reading any scriptures or practicing any religion. So, if one asks me, I have to embarrassingly accept that I do not know a lot about any religion. I have always just loved God for himself. However, very recently, my own search for peace and love made me realize that Hinduism with its massive structure, knowledge and evolution, will accept me as I am and help me take the path to be a good, sincere soul.
But yes, since the first girl in my life was a religious Catholic who left deep impression on me, so its likely that some ofy statements would sound kind of Catholic. However that was not my intention, but its ok, since if we go by the theory of Brahman, God is one and Bhagwan, Yahweh, Waheguru and Allah are only different names by which humans would call him. I apologize in advance if it hurts anyone's sentiments, this is just my realization so far and you know that I do not know much.

Yes, I know Karma would decide everything, reason why we call it "Mrityu-loka" and maybe that was why I wrote that I may not be freed of the cycle of life and death. But still I was just asking for anything that would lessen the weight of guilt and remorses which keep disturbing my movement towards the almighty. Actually, in the older times there used to be some very very tough kinds of fasting which were observed by people if they'd commit a mistake. I do not know the names or details, but my relatives have told me how my grandfather would do a certain kind of fasting : it was a fast in which for first 15 days (Shukla-Paksha) a person would eat only one morsel on the first day and gradually increase it 15 on 15th day, and then over the course of next 15 days (Krishna-Paksha), would decrease it back to one morsel. So, I was just curious to know if any such ritual or fasting can be done. But you are right, I must learn to live with my Karma and be ready to face all the consequences.

 

[Priyadarshan]

You are not alone, Priyadarshan. All of us do many things that are pāpa or bad, and all of us have done things that weigh heavily on us. This is normal in Kaliyuga.



Did the Roman Catholic girl hear you use the abusive words?



It is very difficult to avoid taking such an opportunity. Knowing this—and considering that whatever had occurred was consensual and was done with the aim of pleasing her—please do not be harsh on yourself.



You only wanted to avoid what you knew in your heart was not the path for you. That the Hindu girl felt used and thrown away was obviously unintentional on your part. When it comes to men interacting with women, especially at a young age, we are prone to making mistakes that irk them or even hurt them emotionally. This is because men and women see things rather differently. (When I was in my 20s, interacting with a young woman as either a love interest or as a best friend naturally came with lessons to learn.) For those reasons, try not to be harsh on yourself.



I am not sure what you mean exactly by 'extremely idiotic and stupid things.' Whatever it was that you had said, remember that you were a bit younger and still learning to interact with women. In the past, I said and did idiotic things in romantic relationships. Consequently, I learned that they were idiotic. It was just a part of learning to how to interact with women.



In my experience, feeling 'completely detached from worldly desires' at the beginning of the path to mokṣa does not mean that one is actually completely detached from worldly desires. Feeling so unattached to worldly desires at this time—and experiencing peace in your heart as a result—is how Bhagavān reveals to you that real and complete detachment is what you should seek. This is his prasāda, his grace, which indicates that he is delighted in you.



This sounds sensible. Your dharma or duties with respect to your family, from my perspective, is a higher priority than donning a saffron robe and regretting not adhering to your dharma.



Just as you would not punish yourself for making a mistake while trying to cook rice, you should not punish yourself for making common mistakes at a young age in your interactions with women. It is part of the learning process.



Your feeling of compassion for the three young women is far nobler than the idea of rituals, fasts, and punishments to inflict on yourself for some mistakes. Have you ever heard of Mettā Meditation? Also known as Loving-Kindness Meditation, it is a practice in Theravāda Buddhism that many of us non-Buddhists like to practice. There are some instructions for it on BuddhaNet. If you try Mettā Meditation, you could include the three young women as especial objects of loving-kindness. This practice, by the way, is said to have positive effects on one's objects of loving-kindness in the meditation.



Bhagavān is a boundless ocean of pure bliss. By implication, he does not hold anything against you. Therefore, there is no forgiveness to seek from him. The young women, on the other hand, are finite beings. As @SalixIncendium had mentioned, the intention is not so much to heal yourself but to heal them. If none of them want to be directly healed by you, just respect their wish in a gentle manner. In that case, you can always do Mettā Meditation. It will positively affect them in an unseen way.



Who is Bhagavān to you? Is he Śivaḥ? Viṣṇuḥ? Someone else?

I like what the Śiva-purāṇa says about one of the effects of śiva-nāma-japa. 'Mountainous heaps of great sins are destroyed as in a blazing forest fire when the names of Śiva are repeated. They are reduced to ashes without any difficulty. It is true, undoubtedly true' (Śiva-purāṇa: Vidyeśvara-saṃhitā 23.23). Considering that we have lived innumerable lives in samsāra, we have much more pāpam than we might assume. Fortunately, the japa of Śiva obliterates them, as the Śiva-purāṇa reveals. Moreover, in my experience, doing daily sessions of the japa of Śiva purifies the mind. The more that I do it, the purer my mind. The purer the mind, the gentler we are to others in our words and deeds and even our thoughts.

Lastly, if bhakti or devotion to Bhagavān is the spiritual path for you, know that liberation from the cycle of life, death, and rebirth is closer than you think. The Śiva-purāṇa says this: 'A person who is devoted to Śiva even as the others are devoted to sensual objects shall be liberated whether he performs or does not perform the Śaivite holy rites. He returns once, twice, or thrice but ultimately does not return' (Śiva-purāṇa: Vāyavīya-saṃhitā 2 28.29-30). Bhakti is characterized by satpreman, that is, love and affection that is real or genuine and also noble and high. Basically, we have to love the Lord not for worldly gains (which will come to us anyway due to his delight in us) but for him. Further, our love cannot be cheap: it has to demonstrate that we really do value him higher than anything else. For instance, if you do a fast for him and intend to break it at night, consider doing a session of nāma-japa in the early part of the night and then break the fast. This satpreman does not appear in us instantly. This is my experience: ask the lord every day for such love; he will certainly bestow it.

I hope, O Priyadarshan, that something in my reply is helpful to you. If anything here is wrong or not helpful, that is my error. Anything helpful is thanks to Bhagavān.

Thank you so much @mangalavara , your reply really helped me a lot and calmed me a lot. When a man's sould is burdened with anything, he finds himself helpless to take the right actions.
But I am learning, I am accepting the fact that maybe there are things that were destined to happen. For if it wasn't for these things, I might never have felt so disturbed and brought my heart in the direction of Bhagwan.
To answer your first question, I'm not sure if she heard me, but I mostly feel that she did. But the bigger part is that I did say those things and I know that pretty. And even though I was not religious back then, but at least I knew that what I was doing was absolutely wrong and barbarical. More so for a girl who had for the first time showered me with her affection and care.
For the second girl, I can tell you that I wanted to make her feel loved. Physically, she was nowhere near as attractive as the other two, but she must have been the person who was most attached to me. And I did not want her to feel that I disrespect her love for me, or that she doesn't deserve to be loved just because she isn't that attractive or rich. And maybe, that was a good thing, but as you say, I fell in the trap of bodily lust, something that I could have easily avoided. That is the only regret I have from that part.
Well, the Sikh girl, she might be the only person for whom I actually tried. And she made me act so strange, idk why... If I'd see her in front of me, my heart would beat so fast that one could really hear it, I was not able to talk to her upfront or even look at her. But I felt that I wanted to be with her. So, I took the other route, got her number and began to talk to her via whatsapp. At one point of time, she considered me the best person around and she had gotten extremely comfortable with me. But then I told her how I felt, she was initially unsure about how'd she behave with me, but still she tried to be compassionate. But I mistook her kindness for suppressed feelings and began to bug her with my repeated messages on the same thing. This waa after I had realized that her being Sikh, even if she agrees, my parents and her parents will not accept it. And her parents would love her more than I ever could. Yet I would get over-emotional at times and keep bugging her. She ultimately had to stop talking to me ... And then in my last desperate message to her (we were about to graduate in few days), I called her "nasha" (addiction) which would keep me awake every night. These were the kind of things I call extremely idiotic, and feel so so embarrassed. She had no option but to block me and I never saw her again. Actually I did see her once, but I noticed the expression of disgust on her face as soon as she became aware of my presence. And yes, I have learned my lesson. Atleast there is one message to anyone who goes through such a phase, religious or not, talking to such a person upfront, no matter how uncomfortable you feel, is the best way. Never ever text such a person, especially on such topics.

Yes, my parents are my priority. After Go, they are the only reason for my mere existence here , and that they brought me up with so much love and care means that whatever I do for them, that will never ever be even comparable to their contribution. Maybe that is why I am more concerned, because my parents have taught me to not lie, fight, berate, discriminate or hurt others, and yet I have hurt people and that too in a way, that they can even get the wrong idea of my upbringing, as they'd never realize those were my angry, stupid, overtly emotional, and desperate times when I had deviated from the path of righteousness.

I have never heard of Metta Meditation. I'll search for it. Thank you so much, this is precisely what I believe, I wanted.

Bhagavan. To be honest, I have no specific form that I have chosen yet. But I go to a temple of Hanuman Ji everyday. I find that even in my subconsious dtate of mind, my mouth and heart are always chanting , "Jai Bajrang Bali, Jai Shri Ram, Jai Siya Ram, Jai Jai Sita Ram", but sometimes it also chants, " Har Har Mahadev, Om Namah Shivay" and sometimes "Om Namo Bhagvate Vasudevaya". These chantings come naturally to me, so I do not have to force myself.
Like you talked about the namjap of ShivJi, this morning I was listening to a yogi from Vrindavan who would talk about namjap helping us overcome the past sins as well. This appears so effective. And I'm not really being greedy, I just want to do this so that I do not deviate from my path again.

Your reply, as I feel, is really helpful and enligtening for me. I feel like my queries have been resolved to a large extent and hopefully performing actions would resolve them permanently. Thank you so so much, @mangalavara .

 

[SalixIncendium]

I do not have a catholic background, I was actually born in a Hindu Brahmin family, but for most part of my life, I have mostly remained agnostic just believing that the almighty exists, but never really reading any scriptures or practicing any religion.

I apologize. I misread your first couple of sentences and thought that it was you that came from Roman Catholicism. I think, in retrospect, many of the terms that you used in your OP such as "the almighty," "sin," "repent," and "sins" led me to this conclusion.

So, if one asks me, I have to embarrassingly accept that I do not know a lot about any religion.

There is no need to be embarrassed about this. Having a love for God is plenty sufficient.

I apologize in advance if it hurts anyone's sentiments, this is just my realization so far and you know that I do not know much.

I don't think you did. No need for an apology.

Yes, I know Karma would decide everything, reason why we call it "Mrityu-loka" and maybe that was why I wrote that I may not be freed of the cycle of life and death. But still I was just asking for anything that would lessen the weight of guilt and remorses which keep disturbing my movement towards the almighty. Actually, in the older times there used to be some very very tough kinds of fasting which were observed by people if they'd commit a mistake. I do not know the names or details, but my relatives have told me how my grandfather would do a certain kind of fasting : it was a fast in which for first 15 days (Shukla-Paksha) a person would eat only one morsel on the first day and gradually increase it 15 on 15th day, and then over the course of next 15 days (Krishna-Paksha), would decrease it back to one morsel. So, I was just curious to know if any such ritual or fasting can be done. But you are right, I must learn to live with my Karma and be ready to face all the consequences.

In addition to the apologies I mentioned in the last sentence of my previous post, you may find Prāyaścitta helpful in your wish to remove guilt and remorse.

 

[Priyadarshan]

I apologize. I misread your first couple of sentences and thought that it was you that came from Roman Catholicism. I think, in retrospect, many of the terms that you used in your OP such as "the almighty," "sin," "repent," and "sins" led me to this conclusion.


There is no need to be embarrassed about this. Having a love for God is plenty sufficient.


I don't think you did. No need for an apology.


In addition to the apologies I mentioned in the last sentence of my previous post, you may find Prāyaścitta helpful in your wish to remove guilt and remorse.

You don't have to apologize at all, @SalixIncendium , I understand how one might feel given the nature of my talks. It happens a lot. Actually, I just tried to translate Dharmic terms into their nearest english terminologies since I was writing in English, eg, "Sin" for "Paap", "Repentance" for "Prayashchit" etc.

And thank you for your kind reply. I am just trying to be careful since I am still kind of young and not that knowledgeable. I see that most of the people these days get offended at smallest of the things. Just a few days ago someone killed a poor shop-keeper for some petty issue. However I am really liking people from this forum, who, so far appear very tolerant, accepting, wise and calm to me.

 

[SalixIncendium]

You don't have to apologize at all, @SalixIncendium , I understand how one might feel given the nature of my talks. It happens a lot. Actually, I just tried to translate Dharmic terms into their nearest english terminologies since I was writing in English, eg, "Sin" for "Paap", "Repentance" for "Prayashchit" etc.

I truly appreciate the effort. I do the same in non-DIR areas of the forum, or at least provide a definition for terms with which people may not be familiar.

But feel free to use the terms you're comfortable with here in the Dharmic Religions DIR. If we don't understand the terminology, we can either Google it or ask you for clarification.

I see that most of the people these days get offended at smallest of the things.

You may always speak freely with me. I don't get offended, as I've given no one such power over me.

 

[Vinayaka]

I have committed many sins, but there are a few things which weight particularly heavy on my soul, and the heaviest is the wrong that I have done to 3 girls in my life.
1st girl was a Roman Catholic, someone I met on internet, like over 9 years ago. She absolutely adored me and used to enjoy my company, but then one day she suddenly disappeared. I searched for her for years, but when I couldn't get her to talk, I began to talk very low of her, even used abusive words. But I did not even think about anyone else for over 7 years.

Then almost 7.5-8 years later, during my masters I met a Hindu girl. To be honest, I was never even attracted to her, but since I could clearly see the love that she had for me, I decided that I'll try and hopefully someday I'll be able to love her. But then, once I took her on a day out, she began to ask for more from me. And ultimately asked me to take her to a hotel and do the thing. My stupid self just wanted to please her, so I obliged and did everything except the actual penetration (I'm sorry if it is wrong to say it here, I don't know how else can I describe it since I have limited proficirncy in English). Same things happened once more, and I knew that I'll never be able to love her , and hence won't ever marry her. So, I slowly walked away from her. But, I really regret that I allowed myself to get physical with her, which could have been easily avoided. She thinks that I have used her and thrown her away, and I don't know what can I do to not make her feel that way. Once I realized my sin, I tried to talk to her, but she doesn't even wish to see my face anymore.

Then the third one, a Sikh from my own city. Beautiful, beautiful soul. I can say that she easily was the only girl who ever made me feel what love is ( though now my perception, conception and definition of love has changed). Just like the second girl, she was also my classmate in the masters. But I talked to her only 4 months after leaving that second lady. She wouldn't talk much, is extremely religious, and is even more shy and introverted than me. These things would make me feel that she is only the other half of my soul... So I told her how I felt. But unfortunately, she did not feel the same way. And after that, our conversations stopped, discomfort grew and she completely cut me off. But I was not able to get over her for next 1.5 years till I didn't find my love for God. I would say extremely idiotic and stupid things to her from time to time, which would leave her no option but to block me as well. And ofcourse, till the time I could repent, it was too late.

And now, that I have found true love in the feet of the almighty, these sins weigh too heavy on my soul. I feel like I have wronged people who were not a part of ky family and they had to, or may will have to suffer because of me in the future. Particularly the events that took place in the second case greatly bring me down, for I know that marrying such a person would be a repentance but I also know that she'll suffer because of it, since I feel completely detached from worldly desires now, and won't really prove a good husband to anybody anymore. Only reason why I am in the society is because I believe I have my duties towards my family, particularly my parents, without fulfilling which I cannot renounce the society. But this is cedtain that someday I will renounce everything for sure.

So my question is, is there any ritual, fasting, punishment, anything, that I can carry out to repent for these sins? I would do anything, I just wish to know that all they do not feel any sorrow or hurt because of me anymore. I just want to know that God will forgive me and return full glory back to those women, and maybe allow them to forgive me.

I know its long, but I hope somebody could answer these questions. I'll really do anything. I know that considering the amount of sins I have done, I might not be freed from the cycle of birth and death, but maybe God will enlighten me enough to keep me from committing same mistakes ever again, whether in this life or upcoming ones.

Firstly, the wisdom about 'sins' in my Hindu sampradaya is to think of them as mistakes, something to learn from, not something that a vengeful God will punish you for. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. The souls who are now Gurus made mistakes, and still make little ones, like lapses in memory.

I would encourage you to look up prayaschitta, and study it. It works, in its many forms. Another useful strategy is to write out the memories in a journal, and burn it, visualizing the colors of the experience disappear. The goal is to take the emotion out of it, so you can see the bigger picture, as if you had observed another person doing the same mistake. We can often see things better if we take an outsider's POV. Best wishes, in moving on.

 

[Priyadarshan]

Firstly, the wisdom about 'sins' in my Hindu sampradaya is to think of them as mistakes, something to learn from, not something that a vengeful God will punish you for. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. The souls who are now Gurus made mistakes, and still make little ones, like lapses in memory.

I would encourage you to look up prayaschitta, and study it. It works, in its many forms. Another useful strategy is to write out the memories in a journal, and burn it, visualizing the colors of the experience disappear. The goal is to take the emotion out of it, so you can see the bigger picture, as if you had observed another person doing the same mistake. We can often see things better if we take an outsider's POV. Best wishes, in moving on.

You have suggested some very interesting way of writing things and burning them. Earlier, I used to write poems anonymously on unknown fora so that I do not disturb her, while at the same time be able to say what I'd like to say. Maybe I should delete them since I have always held those poems very dear to me, and after all sacrificing things very dear to you are a form of balidaan.

From what I have been learning, its appearing to me that we can even do prayashchit in our own way and set rules for it. What matters the most is our intentions and I know very well that my intentions are noble. I know it'll take time, but it seems that eventually I will overcome these hurdles and never deviate from the right path again.

 

[mangalavara]

For if it wasn't for these things, I might never have felt so disturbed and brought my heart in the direction of Bhagwan.

It is beneficial that such things disturb us. By being emotionally disturbed by them, we identify with others in their suffering. When we identify with others in their suffering, we become kinder and compassionate, not desiring to hurt others but to be delicate with them.

at least I knew that what I was doing was absolutely wrong and barbarical. More so for a girl who had for the first time showered me with her affection and care.

I know what you feel.

I forgive you.

These were the kind of things I call extremely idiotic, and feel so so embarrassed. She had no option but to block me and I never saw her again. Actually I did see her once, but I noticed the expression of disgust on her face as soon as she became aware of my presence.

I was in a similar situation once. When a young man falls in love with a young woman and sees her as the most beautiful woman in all existence, he will probably speak very idiotically to her. This is because, by nature, he is entirely enamored by her feminine beauty and ways that he is overcome. Moreover, when he loves, he loves madly. Naturally, the young woman will be repulsed because she will see him as obsessed with her, a fallen creature.

Atleast there is one message to anyone who goes through such a phase, religious or not, talking to such a person upfront, no matter how uncomfortable you feel, is the best way. Never ever text such a person, especially on such topics.

These are wise words and I agree with them.

Maybe that is why I am more concerned, because my parents have taught me to not lie, fight, berate, discriminate or hurt others, and yet I have hurt people and that too in a way, that they can even get the wrong idea of my upbringing, as they'd never realize those were my angry, stupid, overtly emotional, and desperate times when I had deviated from the path of righteousness.

People will realize soon or later that your mother and father taught and raised you well.

I have never heard of Metta Meditation. I'll search for it. Thank you so much, this is precisely what I believe, I wanted.

Mettā Meditation is beneficial to all. I should practice it more often.

Bhagavan. To be honest, I have no specific form that I have chosen yet. But I go to a temple of Hanuman Ji everyday.

Very nice.

Like you talked about the namjap of ShivJi, this morning I was listening to a yogi from Vrindavan who would talk about namjap helping us overcome the past sins as well. This appears so effective. And I'm not really being greedy, I just want to do this so that I do not deviate from my path again.

Nāma-japa is recommended by teachers of many traditions, and it is recommended by many scriptures. Doing at least one session of it every day might be difficult though. This is because we are easily distracted by other things.

Your reply, as I feel, is really helpful and enligtening for me. I feel like my queries have been resolved to a large extent and hopefully performing actions would resolve them permanently. Thank you so so much, @mangalavara .

Hara Hara Mahādeva.

 

[Vinayaka]

You have suggested some very interesting way of writing things and burning them. Earlier, I used to write poems anonymously on unknown fora so that I do not disturb her, while at the same time be able to say what I'd like to say. Maybe I should delete them since I have always held those poems very dear to me, and after all sacrificing things very dear to you are a form of balidaan.

From what I have been learning, its appearing to me that we can even do prayashchit in our own way and set rules for it. What matters the most is our intentions and I know very well that my intentions are noble. I know it'll take time, but it seems that eventually I will overcome these hurdles and never deviate from the right path again.

The writing thing is specific to my sampradaya, and its called vasana daha tantra. It's not really poetry, but it could be. It's more a journaling. For me, and I did it for my entire lifetime, over about 3 years, I felt less burdened after, and didn't react to many childhood memories.

Yes, you're right about prayaschitta. Your own intuition is the guide, and the idea is to do it until you feel better. In my sampradaya, for larger things, the Guru can also assign something, if you ash him to. The bigger the mistake, the more penance required. Best wishes.

 

[Priyadarshan]

It is beneficial that such things disturb us. By being emotionally disturbed by them, we identify with others in their suffering. When we identify with others in their suffering, we become kinder and compassionate, not desiring to hurt others but to be delicate with them.


I know what you feel.

I forgive you.



I was in a similar situation once. When a young man falls in love with a young woman and sees her as the most beautiful woman in all existence, he will probably speak very idiotically to her. This is because, by nature, he is entirely enamored by her feminine beauty and ways that he is overcome. Moreover, when he loves, he loves madly. Naturally, the young woman will be repulsed because she will see him as obsessed with her, a fallen creature.



These are wise words and I agree with them.



People will realize soon or later that your mother and father taught and raised you well.



Mettā Meditation is beneficial to all. I should practice it more often.



Very nice.



Nāma-japa is recommended by teachers of many traditions, and it is recommended by many scriptures. Doing at least one session of it every day might be difficult though. This is because we are easily distracted by other things.



Hara Hara Mahādeva.

I agree. These things do make us a lot more compassionate towards others and helps us sympathize with them by relating that with our own experiences.

Maybe that is how it is. But things have definitely changed, that was how I understood love back then but now I see that such worldly connections cannot be termed as love. Yes, deep attachment, but that can still be overcome. Not only her, but even I believe that it was obsession, it can't be love. But still, that was the reality bck then and I accept it as it is. I only want to ensure that noone is negatively bothered by me anymore, and I don't repeat such actions ever again. May Bhagwan help me.

I hope so. Only materialistic desire that I have is to make my parents feel proud of the son they've raised, wherever they go. Thank you so much.

Yes, only today was I reading about Metta Meditation and I intend to incorporate it into my daily life soon. I also was intrigued by the fact that meditation encourages us to be compassionate to those who have wronged us and whom we dislike. When I read this, I realized that there are such people and I must learn to forgive them and hope for their well-being as well.

Yes, nam-japa is something that is even very practical and scientific. These days , there have been moments when I'd feel anger, moments when distractions would present themselves to me, but I found that nam-japa helped me everytime. I also have a Rudraksh mala, so when I'm too high on emotions, I'd use it to do nam-japa. Mala, and I believe symbol, paintings, idols, or concentrating on any object definitely help in such scenarios.

 

[Priyadarshan]

The writing thing is specific to my sampradaya, and its called vasana daha tantra. It's not really poetry, but it could be. It's more a journaling. For me, and I did it for my entire lifetime, over about 3 years, I felt less burdened after, and didn't react to many childhood memories.

Yes, you're right about prayaschitta. Your own intuition is the guide, and the idea is to do it until you feel better. In my sampradaya, for larger things, the Guru can also assign something, if you ash him to. The bigger the mistake, the more penance required. Best wishes.

I read about Vasana Daha Tantra today. I even read your old post and the story that you've linked with it. There was a time when I was as much impacted by these things like Ramya in that story, but with time I have mostly healed myself and am able to carry out my normal activities. But there's no question that it can prove very helpful to anyone, and if I find myself deviating from my vows, I won't hesitate in opting for this method.

Yes, I am going to set rules for my prayashchita as well. I hope Bhagvan will show me the right way to do it. I don't have a Guru, so assuming Bhagvan to be my Guru, I hope I'll be able to overcome all the hurdles and never commit such blunders again.