As a Christian who has struggled with my own faith and beliefs for long periods of time in my own life, I can suggest this:
Don't go so much by what you "feel." Feelings are transient. The heart can be deceitful. Faith is what you have when you DON'T have that "feeling" to keep your belief strong. Faith is a discipline and a call to obedience.
This doesn't mean that you check rational thought at the door - but it does mean that when your "rational" ideas or your emotions seem to contradict your religious beliefs, that you give the religious beliefs the benefit of the doubt while you study further, asking God to guide you to wisdom and understanding.
As flawed humans, we should know that though God anticipates questions from us, even fist shaking in His face, He also is all knowing, all powerful, infinitely wise and more just than we can even begin to imagine. As humans, we can't see the full picture - but He can - and that is when we have to submit to His wisdom and will whether we "feel" like it or not - or even understand it.
God promises us that when we ask Him for wisdom, He absolutely WILL give it to us - but it's on His terms and His timeline, not ours. God is not a vending machine. He has a plan for our lives and we can't see that from where we're standing.
I like to think of it like this: Take a blank piece of notebook paper. Draw a circle on it that represents ALL your knowledge. Then draw a circle around THAT circle that represents all the knowledge in the world. Then look beyond that second circle. That is the wisdom and knowledge of God.
A passage that I love to read is Job 38. I'll post it here:
Job 38
1 Then Jehovah answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said,
2 Who is this that darkeneth counsel By words without knowledge?
3 Gird up now thy loins like a man; For I will demand of thee, and declare thou unto me.
4 Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? Declare, if thou hast understanding.
5 Who determined the measures thereof, if thou knowest? Or who stretched the line upon it?
6 Whereupon were the foundations thereof fastened? Or who laid the corner-stone thereof,
7 When the morning stars sang together, And all the sons of God shouted for joy?
8 Or who shut up the sea with doors, When it brake forth, as if it had issued out of the womb;
9 When I made clouds the garment thereof, And thick darkness a swaddling-band for it,
10 And marked out for it my bound, And set bars and doors,
11 And said, Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further; And here shall thy proud waves be stayed?
12 Hast thou commanded the morning since thy days began, And caused the dayspring to know its place;
13 That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, And the wicked be shaken out of it?
14 It is changed as clay under the seal; And all things stand forth as a garment:
15 And from the wicked their light is withholden, And the high arm is broken.
16 Hast thou entered into the springs of the sea? Or hast thou walked in the recesses of the deep?
17 Have the gates of death been revealed unto thee? Or hast thou seen the gates of the shadow of death?
18 Hast thou comprehended the earth in its breadth? Declare, if thou knowest it all.
19 Where is the way to the dwelling of light? And as for darkness, where is the place thereof,
20 That thou shouldest take it to the bound thereof, And that thou shouldest discern the paths to the house thereof?
21 Doubtless, thou knowest, for thou wast then born, And the number of thy days is great!
22 Hast thou entered the treasuries of the snow, Or hast thou seen the treasures of the hail,
23 Which I have reserved against the time of trouble, Against the day of battle and war?
24 By what way is the light parted, Or the east wind scattered upon the earth?
25 Who hath cleft a channel for the waterflood, Or the way for the lightning of the thunder;
26 To cause it to rain on a land where no man is; On the wilderness, wherein there is no man;
27 To satisfy the waste and desolate ground , And to cause the tender grass to spring forth?
28 Hath the rain a father? Or who hath begotten the drops of dew?
29 Out of whose womb came the ice? And the hoary frost of heaven, who hath gendered it?
30 The waters hide themselves and become like stone, And the face of the deep is frozen.
31 Canst thou bind the cluster of the Pleiades, Or loose the bands of Orion?
32 Canst thou lead forth the Mazzaroth in their season? Or canst thou guide the Bear with her train?
33 Knowest thou the ordinances of the heavens? Canst thou establish the dominion thereof in the earth?
34 Canst thou lift up thy voice to the clouds, That abundance of waters may cover thee?
35 Canst thou send forth lightnings, that they may go, And say unto thee, Here we are?
36 Who hath put wisdom in the inward parts? Or who hath given understanding to the mind?
37 Who can number the clouds by wisdom? Or who can pour out the bottles of heaven,
38 When the dust runneth into a mass, And the clods cleave fast together?
39 Canst thou hunt the prey for the lioness, Or satisfy the appetite of the young lions,
40 When they couch in their dens, And abide in the covert to lie in wait? 41 Who provideth for the raven his prey, When his young ones cry unto God, And wander for lack of food?
American Standard Version (ASV)
As for a "personal relationship with Jesus Christ," I think that phrase can be overused. I don't always "feel" close to God. But I can say this honestly - after He has proven Himself to me over and over in my life, I finally can say that I rest in Him. What I mean is that no matter what happens in my life, I believe that He is in control and has a plan for my life - and my responsibility is to submit my will to His. When I do this, great things happen in my life. When I rebel against His precepts, I see the consequences - sometimes years later, but they crop up.
Everybody's bill comes due.
