Self harm & suicide - Help and healing.

[katiafish]

I have a long history of depression and domestic violence, my ex husband abused me physically, mentally and sexually, making me believe that it was all my fault. After three years of this and a particularly painful slap, I have walked out on him in slippers in the middle of the night, leaving all of my possessions behind.

Firs time I went to see a counselor I just cried and cried, second time too, on the third time I started to talk. It took me two years of counseling and group therapy to mostly get over what have happened to me. Now I have regained my confidence and faith in people's better nature, I also have come to a better understanding of myself and faith in spiritual practice. I still get back to the depths of depression from time to time, but it does not last for too long a period of time.

One thing I know for certain, if I did not ask for help then, I wouldn't be here now to tell the tale.

My heart goes out to all who have suffered and continue to suffer from mental instability.

With Love and Kindness, Kat

 

[AlsoAnima]

I wane in and out of having a will to live.
I've grown tired of life. I have nowhere to turn to.
There isn't a person who agrees with me, so I am alone.
The world is in conflict, all I want is to be able to sit and talk. But people yell, and scream, and hurt others.
I don't understand it.
I want other people to be happy. But as for myself, I feel like giving up.
I don't want to go to school, I don't want to work. Lately I don't even want to think or enjoy myself.
I just want to sleep for a really really long time.

Maybe when I wake up, people will finally care about each other.

See you in your dreams...
even if it's a nightmare.

 

[Zephyr]

**** i think i just oded.

Edit: Nvm I'm okay now. Stopped puking this morning.

 

[Zephyr]

has anybod y had one of those momnts when the idea of dying sounds plessant while being dead itself doesnt? i kinda feel like i owe it. but as ****** as being alive is being dead doesnt sound better. im pretty tired of being a buden and i keep asking myself ifi shoud do something about it.

on the other posting this is kind of a waste of time. cant thinkor type now.

 

[MissAlice]

has anybod y had one of those momnts when the idea of dying sounds plessant while being dead itself doesnt? i kinda feel like i owe it. but as **** as being alive is being dead doesnt sound better. im pretty tired of being a buden and i keep asking myself ifi shoud do something about it.

on the other posting this is kind of a waste of time. cant thinkor type now.

First off you're not a burden. But ironically that's same word I've often used on myself. You have a negative way of viewing yourself and probably suffer from clinical depression if you're like me. There are probably other factors as well..

Secondly, you're right. Being dead is ******** b/c you can't go back and fix what you did. I know for me if I hadn't got treatment for depression and other things, I would've been stuck in a wheel chair on life support or worse...dead. I know it sounds cliche but suicide isn't the best way to go since after it's done, it's done. You leave people who you thought didn't care about you behind and it causes them just as much pain as it did you when you decided living wasn't a good option.

But I can definitely relate as I get the same way however not as bad as it use to be. So just know you're not alone Zephyr and although I don't know what factors may be contributing to your depression, I think life in general is hard. But there's a lot of us who do care.

 

[MissAlice]

Well I guess I'll rant.

Lately I've been feeling suicidal again and I think part of it is my depression. Life in general seems empty and sad. For a good part of my life I struggled making friends and trying to fit in. As far as relationships are concerned I really have never had one. I seem to have this tendency to be invisible and I guess plain due to my looks. I wasn't blessed with beauty like both my sisters who are not only younger than me but already married.

Looking back, I think I've lost most of my motivation or drive to carry on or enjoy anything. I expect I'll die alone either an aged woman or from a meltdown. I've already lost 4 members and 2 friends, I don't understand how people carry on with their life whenever tragedy strikes. Life and myself seem dull, useless and meaningless at this point.

 

[katiafish]

Aww sweetheart I am sorry you feel that way! Would you consider having some distance healing with me, i have done it with few people on this forum already and it seems to work quite well.

Healing does not have to do with the physical aspect only, as a matter of fact it is our emotional wellbeing that is directly connected with our physical wellbeing most of the time. So by offering healing I am offering the way to clear up all the negative energy that the depressive moods create.

Also, i am always happy to just chat, if you pm me, i will be happy to give you my MSN messenger detales, or Yahoo messenger for that matter, we can talk about anything you feel like, or I can just be there for you...

Looking forward hearing from you,

With loving kindness, Katia

 

[MissAlice]

Thankyou katiafish and I might try it.

Anything sounds better than nothing right now. I have to say I'm not the best when it comes to communicating. It takes me a while to process my thoughts before I transmit them via typing and talking. This may be another reason why I get so frustrated as it's hard to express myself in a clear and concise order.

 

[KatNotKathy]

Quick question: Last night I downed most of a 375ml bottle of rum and took a pretty hefty cocktail of benzos, so why am I not dead?

 

[katiafish]

Pure luck

 

[KatNotKathy]

Pure luck

Or whatever the opposite of luck is...misfortune? Either way I'm hung over, my gut is killing me, and I'm seriously considering professional help once I find somebody who doesn't mind that I'm broke and uninsured.

Edit: Whoah, looks like I took a lot more than I thought. My pill bottle is empty.

 

[Gentoo]

Or whatever the opposite of luck is...misfortune? Either way I'm hung over, my gut is killing me, and I'm seriously considering professional help once I find somebody who doesn't mind that I'm broke and uninsured.

I think that would be a good idea.. :hug:

 

[KatNotKathy]

Ok this is weird. Seriously. Shortly after posting this a couple cops and firemen knew about it and took me to a hospital. When I asked who told them, they just said "internet". I asked everybody who I told online, but nobody is fessing up...

Edit: This may be the paranoia kicking in, but are you people tracking me?

 

[Shadow Wolf]

It is possible that they said "internet" just to keep whoever anonymous. I'm guessing you live with others, so it is very possible someone you live with noticed signs of a heavy drinking binge and pill overdose and sought help for you.
You may think you are covering your tracks carefully, but mothers especially just have a knack for knowing. And if you think you accidentally came out to her, she may be on high alert if you really did.
It sounds cliche-ish, but it's not worth it. I've contemplated suicide many times, and attempted a couple. I am very happy to say that is one thing I failed in doing. I would have missed out on some of the greatest moments in my life had even the last attempt ended my life. And there are many more to come.

 

[ChrisP]

The first time I can clearly remember feeling completely disconnected from reality and the world I was 8 yrs old. I have suicidal thoughts daily, and suffer from what people describe as quite terrible depression. When I'm depressed I can't do anything right, if I can do anything at all. My life becomes a mess.

I've recently seen a psychologist and psychiatrist for the first time in my life (I'm going on 29). Over the years I've developed mental mechanisms to prevent me taking my life, even though for the last few years my reasoning for dieing has been rational and reasoned.

After 2 or 3 sessions the psychologist must have thought some of what I had to say useful as they asked if I would be bothered if they passed on the things I do to get myself out of that state of mind to other patients.

Hopefully this means I can help, so if anyone here needs to talk through such matters please let me know via PM. Be forewarned I am not a shoulder to cry on, but I am also completely without judgement in this regard so you will not hear a bad word or me trying to tell you what you SHOULD do either. The only thing I can do is help you examine why feel this way through conversation.

As anyone with an ounce of common sense will tell you, prevention is always better than a cure. The best pieces of advice I can give regarding depression with prevention in mind are

- Keep regular hours, go to bed at the same time every night.
- Have breakfast as often as possible.
- Make sure you get some sun at least thrice a week. If you live in England -P) or Norway this can be difficult, but at least get out in the daylight.
- A routine is essential.

Cheers
Chris

 

[KatNotKathy]

I have just realized that I am really bad at wanting to live. That is all. Anyways, I think I'm gonna go ahead and lay down now and hope I don't wake up for at least a couple days.

Death to America, Death to Israel and all that jazz.

 

[ChrisP]

Death to pop music!

 

[KatNotKathy]

Death to pop music!

That too. Also, I discovered that I can't even get my *** out of this chair and into bed. This is gonna be a loooooong day.

 

[dust1n]

I have just realized that I am really bad at wanting to live. That is all. Anyways, I think I'm gonna go ahead and lay down now and hope I don't wake up for at least a couple days.

Death to America, Death to Israel and all that jazz.

From anarchist to anarchist, I can say it is extremely hard to live, especially within a state that seems to exemplify our beliefs to it's fullest potential, and has so much power that it seems as though the power structure will never ever change. Feel your pain.

 

[ChrisP]

That too. Also, I discovered that I can't even get my *** out of this chair and into bed. This is gonna be a loooooong day.

best way to move is to turn off all screens and sound making devices... I get glued to screens far too easily.