Should People be Encourged to "Shack-Up" Before Marriage?

[Skwim]

I'm looking for pros and cons.

Personally, I think it can go a long in revealing the strengths and weaknesses of both parties and how the two meld, which should figure into any decision to marrying.

If you agree, would this extend to encouraging your children to do it?


AS AN ADDED NOTE OF CLARIFICATION.
By "Shack up" I mean more than just having sex. I mean everything that living together entails.
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[sun rise]

Sexual compatibility is not to me a major factor in having a marriage work. For some, of course, it is, but for the majority I think pure, unadulterated stubbornness counts for a lot more - the kind of stubbornness that keeps people going when the inevitable frictions of married life occur.

The first glow will fade and you'll see a partner looking disheveled, being smelly, grumpy and in general unattractive. And not just for a little while but for day after day, month after month and year after year.

And there are those impossible little things that became high mountains. There are no higher mountains than cover stealing, toilet seat drama, failure to clean up after yourself and so forth. Wars have been fought over less.

Early on, my wife and I discovered a book Mirages of Marriage which was extremely helpful in opening our eyes.

SO I'd rank premarriage counseling as much more important compared to hopping in bed as a way to prepare for making a marriage successful.

 

[Skwim]

I think if that would change anything in one's mind you probably shouldn't get married in the first place.

I think this would be the natural course of such things; high expectations in the beginning that are continually tempered as time goes by.

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[Polymath257]

Yes, I think people should live together and have sex before (or instead of) marriage.

First, it is a good idea to learn *how* to live with someone else. Often we are very poor at this in our youth. We often don't have enough experience to really know what is important in a relationship. 'Shacking up' helps learn these skills. And yes, I expect people to go through several cases of shacking up before they figure out what they want and 'settle down', if that is what they decide they want to do.

And, of course, there is always the question of why get married at all? Why let the government in on your relationship? Does it really need to know?

Of course, to encourage us to get married, the government does allow certain benefits and those can be motivations. So, for example, my wife and I got married because she has really good insurance and I do not. For some reason, you have to be married to go on a partner's insurance.

And yes, I fully expect my daughter to go through this process. i would be very nervous if she *didn't* shack up before marriage.

 

[RedDragon94]

I'm looking for pros and cons.

Personally, I think it can go a long in revealing the strengths and weaknesses of both parties and how the two meld, which should figure into any decision to marrying.

If you agree, would this extend to encouraging your children to do it?

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You know, I've wondered about this before.

It actually seems like a good thing. The partners find out what each other will be like in their day to day lives as opposed to out and all dressed up and on their best behavior. This requires a lot of trust from both parties though, so no need to rush into things. Another good thing is the sex, but that's not the point.

What is seen as evil is not always evil.

 

[Eliab ben Benjamin]

I tend to agree to a point, from my somewhat asexual and perhaps naive perspective i think
the living together should be perhaps first as flatmates, as we did in collage ..

this deals with all the little annoyances like top left off , seat left down .or up bread left open,
astoundingly it is those petty annoyances that build to intolerance

 

[Thief]

I'm looking for pros and cons.

Personally, I think it can go a long in revealing the strengths and weaknesses of both parties and how the two meld, which should figure into any decision to marrying.

If you agree, would this extend to encouraging your children to do it?

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I say .....yeah

and there should have been a survey option .....pro/con

 

[leibowde84]

I'm looking for pros and cons.

Personally, I think it can go a long in revealing the strengths and weaknesses of both parties and how the two meld, which should figure into any decision to marrying.

If you agree, would this extend to encouraging your children to do it?

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Yes and yes. I think it is completely reasonable and arguably necessary for two people to test out whether they live well together before promising to spend the rest of their lives together. I cannot conceive of any reason why anyone wouldn't do this.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I would encourage it, but, honestly, I don't know whether shacking up or not has a significant impact on whether people will stay together or not.

 

[bobhikes]

I'm looking for pros and cons.

Personally, I think it can go a long in revealing the strengths and weaknesses of both parties and how the two meld, which should figure into any decision to marrying.

If you agree, would this extend to encouraging your children to do it?

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If sex is the goal of marriage you probably shouldn't get married. This age sex is available and allowed outside of marriage without penalty. You can even get pregnant. Would I encourage my child to have sex before marriage, no, I would advise him on what I thought was necessary to have a good marriage, the work, compromise the actual stuff necessary. As to sex before marriage, it was far different than after marriage and far different after kids and now that we are finished having kids different again. I not sure what you are going to learn from having sex before marriage anyway.

 

[Augustus]

The less time you spend with someone, the easier it becomes to be enamoured with part of their character and romanticise (or imagine) the positives and hide from (or be unaware of) the negatives, and the same applies for your partner.

You probably should live together for at least a couple of years at least so you can both see if you can live with the annoying habits, quirks of character, etc and in that time you have probably lived through at least 1 or 2 stressful situations which is another important box to tick.

 

[Skwim]

If sex is the goal of marriage you probably shouldn't get married.

Which I highly doubt is anyone's goal, except perhaps among those few who have taken some kind of vow to remain celibate until after marriage. Then perhaps sex may be the reason for marrying.

This age sex is available and allowed outside of marriage without penalty.

Yup.

You can even get pregnant.

Yup. Responsible sex should always be one's byword.

Would I encourage my child to have sex before marriage, no, I would advise him on what I thought was necessary to have a good marriage, the work, compromise the actual stuff necessary.

If not encourage, then at least condone. And just so my OP isn't misconstrued, I regard "shacking up" as much more than just "having sex."

As to sex before marriage, it was far different than after marriage and far different after kids and now that we are finished having kids different again. I not sure what you are going to learn from having sex before marriage anyway.

If anything is to be learned I guess it would be sexual compatibility. But the reason for having sex before marriage or any other time is not to learn, just as petting is not done to learn, or even kissing before marriage is not done to learn anything. They're all expressions of intimacy. So, I guess the question is, why should sexual intercourse be excluded, providing contraceptive measures are taken?

Personally, I think sexual intimacy is great, and I see no reason to cheat older children of it as long as they're sexually responsible, which I would make sure they are. If my 15 or 16 year-old child wanted to engage in sex of any kind, and I felt they were emotionally mature enough and knowledgeable as to the ramifications, I'd give them the green light. I would prefer that my daughter felt comfortable having protected sex in her bedroom than having it in the back seat of a car, any day.

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[Skwim]

I say .....yeah

and there should have been a survey option .....pro/con

I agree. I kind of dropped the ball by leaving out a survey.

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[bobhikes]

If anything is to be learned it would be sexual compatibility, I guess. But the reason for having sex before marriage or any other time is not to learn, just as petting is not done to learn, or even kissing before marriage is not done to learn anything. They're all expressions of intimacy. So, I guess the question is, why should sexual intercourse be excluded, providing contraceptive measures are taken?

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Sexual compatibility changes as the marriage goes on. I know I had to have a conversation with my wife after our second child about our sexual relation and intimacy. Why would should sexual intercourse be excluded is up to the couple. Why would I not encourage it as not to influence them with my sexual prejudices. If I encourage them to have sex and they break up, or have a child I would feel responsible. I don't need that responsibility.

 

[Skwim]

Sexual compatibility changes as the marriage goes on. I know I had to have a conversation with my wife after our second child about our sexual relation and intimacy. Why would should sexual intercourse be excluded is up to the couple. Why would I not encourage it as not to influence them with my sexual prejudices. If I encourage them to have sex and they break up,. . .I would feel responsible.

Why? Were you the reason they broke up? Or is it that having sex they were then obligated to get married?

or have a child I would feel responsible. I don't need that responsibility.

As I qualified my remark, "providing contraceptive measures are taken?"

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[bobhikes]

Why? Were you the reason they broke up? Or is it that having sex they were then obligated to get married?


As I qualified my remark, "providing contraceptive measures are taken?"

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Maybe they didn't like sex the first time, either one had a negative reaction to it. They felt I rushed them into something they weren't ready for, its not like I'm going to be there to help them through it. Contraceptives fail. I actually just had one break 2 weeks ago.

 

[Flame]

Lived with my ex wife for two years before we were married. It didn't help it at all.

 

[Skwim]

Lived with my ex wife for two years before we were married. It didn't help it at all.

So she had you buffaloed all that time. My condolences.

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[Flame]

So she had you buffaloed all that time. My condolences.

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I'd say that's pretty close. Luckily I found out before any real damage to me or my bank account was done.