Should You Love Your Children Conditionally or Unconditionally?

[monta]

If your definition of unconditional love is loving everything a person does and every aspect of their personality then you are never going to love unconditionally.

There are people in this world I will not stop loving no matter what they do, it doesn't mean I can't call them on their actions or that I would condone anything immoral, just that if they did something immoral I would still love them.

 

[idea]

unconditional

Disciplining a child doesn't mean you don't love them.

ditto.

Not disciplining a child means that you don't love them.

 

[uu_sage]

I will love and accept my children unconditionally.

 

[Smoke]

Of course you can and should discipline your children, and that can include withdrawing things they enjoy. I don't think parental affection should be one of those things. I've mentioned in another thread that I don't think much of corporal punishment, but I think it would be better to punch a child right in the nose than to give him the lifelong impression that your love for him is performance-based.

You should love everyone unconditionally.

I don't feel the slightest obligation to do the impossible.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

Is it better to love your children conditionally or unconditionally? Why?

Yeah, this is when I find myself ever more the rogue parent. More often than not, I'm doling out scolding while gushing love over my kids. Interesting because I do the same with the husband from time to time.

 

[linwood]

Is it better to love your children conditionally or unconditionally? Why?

I don`t believe in unconditional love.

I think it`s a myth, if it`s not a myth I think it`s dangerous.

We all set conditions on our love whether we know it or not.

 

[Ozzie]

Is it better to love your children conditionally or unconditionally? Why?

No reason here.

 

[ayani]

You should love everyone unconditionally.

i love that. true, too.

a person can disapprove of what their child beleives, or how thay live. same with children and parents.

but we shouldn't confuse these differneces with the person's right to our respect and love, and presence.

 

[Storm]

To the OP, I honestly don't know. My instinct is to say "yes, of course you should love your children unconditionally." However, being the rather dark-minded individual I am, my thoughts turn to questions like those posed by atotalstranger.

If my child murdered my wife I would no longer love that child. I find it hard to believe that anyone could love anyone else completely unconditionally.

What if your child tied you up and tortured you? What if your child killed your whole family?

Of course, none of us can know how we would react to such a situation unless (God forbid) it happens to us. That said, I imagine that no matter what I felt for my son as he had become, I would be haunted by memories of the sweet, innocent boy I love so deeply.

 

[Enoch07]

I don`t believe in unconditional love.

I think it`s a myth, if it`s not a myth I think it`s dangerous.

We all set conditions on our love whether we know it or not.

If you don't believe in it for yourself that is fine. I won't argue with that.

If unconditional love is not a myth. May I ask how you see it as possibly being dangerous?

To say we all set our conditions on love whether we know it or not is just a bit presumptuous.

Now I cannot unconditionally love everyone. It is just not possible for me, even though I am supposed to. But I do unconditionally love God, my parents and my children (should I be blessed with some one day).

 

[Storm]

I don`t believe in unconditional love.

Refresh my memory, you do have kids, right?

I think it`s a myth, if it`s not a myth I think it`s dangerous.

I'm curious about this, as well. I have a vague idea of where you're going, but I could be totally wrong.

We all set conditions on our love whether we know it or not.

Maybe. I guess it depends on how you define love. Does it mean you automatically forgive anything the loved one does? I don't think so. You can love someone even as you cut them out of your life completely.

 

[linwood]

If unconditional love is not a myth. May I ask how you see it as possibly being dangerous?

It can lead you to have faith in a person who will not live up to that faith.
depending on the situation this happens in it could cause harm.

Now I cannot unconditionally love everyone. It is just not possible for me, even though I am supposed to. But I do unconditionally love God, my parents and my children (should I be blessed with some one day).

I love my children.
If I should get home from work today to find my daughter in the living room sitting atop the dead bloody body of my wife eating her spleen with an ice cream scoop....
I`m pretty sure my love for my daughter will be affected in some manner.

I love my wife.
If I were to come home today and find her in an orgy with a half dozen crack-addled midgets and a Yorkshire terrier ....
I`m pretty sure my love for my wife would be affected in some manner.

There are conditions set upon all the love I give/have/feel.

 

[Storm]

It can lead you to have faith in a person who will not live up to that faith.
depending on the situation this happens in it could cause harm.

How is that any different from conditional love?

 

[ayani]

Storm ~

i'd agree that we do tend to put conditions on our love and affection, and capacity to embrace other for who they are, in spite of what they do or say.

we're human, and we can't love perfectly. but as a Christian, i'd say that this doesn't mean God doesn't want us to try, and to see the value and worth in every person, even as we examine our own imperfections.

in Christian faith, God's love is manifested towards us in sending His sinless Son to die for us. a Son who enjoins us to forgive and love our enemies, and who has told us firmly to examin our own persons objectively before we judge or reject others. it's a difficult thing to do, and there are times when we're more likely to bear grudges or resent rather than love.

a friend sent me the following Bible passage the other day:

At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone. (Titus 3:3-8)

remembering who we are, and who the other person is, can help put love and humility in perspective. i'm not who i am now because i'm good, smart, or pious. i'm who i am now because of His mercy, and grace. and all the things i now recognize as sinful, i used to do, and enjoy heedlessly.

perspective is what matters. not just on one's faith vs. others actions, but honest perspective on self, and what makes us worthy of being loved.

 

[linwood]

How is that any different from conditional love?

Unconditional love is the battered woman who keeps going back to her abuser because "She loves him" until she ends up dead one day.

Conditional love is a woman knowing the first time she gets hit by her "love" she`s done with the relationship.
The condition she places on the love within her relationship is "no physical abuse".

 

[ayani]

Unconditional love is the battered woman who keeps going back to her abuser because "She loves him" until she ends up dead one day.

i disagree. loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean you allow yourself to be hurt by them.

a woman (or child or anyone) can leave an abusive relationship, and still love the person they've left. love doesn't neccesarily mean that you give that person everything they want, and allow them to destroy you.

it can mean cutting ties, even while you hold out respect and compassion for the other.

 

[linwood]

i disagree. loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean you allow yourself to be hurt by them.

Then there is a condition upon your love.
"I will accept no abuse"
You may and probably do still love them but if they`ve abused you it has an affect on that love.
It is conditional.

a woman (or child or anyone) can leave an abusive relationship, and still love the person they've left. love doesn't neccesarily mean that you give that person everything they want, and allow them to destroy you.

No, love doesn`t mean this but this is exactly what "unconditional love" means.
"There are no conditions I will accept anything and my love for you will remain unchanged."

 

[Storm]

Unconditional love is the battered woman who keeps going back to her abuser because "She loves him" until she ends up dead one day.

1) I wouldn't call that love at all. More like codependence, or some other pathology. YMMV.
2) Don't misunderstand me, I am decidedly not among those saying that you should "love everyone unconditionally." I think unconditional love is relatively rare, and thankfully so. The only person I would say I love unconditionally is my son.
3) Does providing this example not contradict your statement that you believe it's a myth?

Conditional love is a woman knowing the first time she gets hit by her "love" she`s done with the relationship.
The condition she places on the love within her relationship is "no physical abuse".

I agree with this. What I'm saying is that I can't imagine anything that would make me stop loving my son. I can think of a few that might well make me hate him at the same time, but that would devastate me.

Still, your original argument was that unconditional love causes us to have faith in the loved one that may be unjustified. I still don't see how that differs from conditional. Love and faith go hand in hand, and the possibility that the object of our affections may be idealized is always there. The only difference I see is whether the revelation of their flaws is a deal-breaker.

BTW, did you miss post #31? I'd like to get your thoughts on my last point.

 

[Enoch07]

It can lead you to have faith in a person who will not live up to that faith.
depending on the situation this happens in it could cause harm.

I love my children.
If I should get home from work today to find my daughter in the living room sitting atop the dead bloody body of my wife eating her spleen with an ice cream scoop....
I`m pretty sure my love for my daughter will be affected in some manner.

I love my wife.
If I were to come home today and find her in an orgy with a half dozen crack-addled midgets and a Yorkshire terrier ....
I`m pretty sure my love for my wife would be affected in some manner.

There are conditions set upon all the love I give/have/feel.

Thank you for responding. I can respect that answer.

 

[ayani]

Linwood ~

you can still love a person and not accept what they're doing. there's a difference betwen the person, and their actions.

that doesn't mean you stop loving them, or withdraw your love. it's possible to withdraw physically and not love them any less. just because you love them and always will, doesn't mean that you agree to do everything they want you to do, or think you should do.

a person can always use the line "if you love me, you'll....", not recognizing that the other person can still love them, while not giving into their unhealthy and certainly not love-inspired demands.

just because you say "i love you, but i won't..." doesn't mean there is a condition on your love. for there to be such a condition, one would have to say "if you ask me or try to force me to ... i won't love you, or will love you less".