"The Loneliest Years"

[Sunstone]

A few days ago, I ran across a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in about a decade. We immediately got to talking about what we'd each been up to. At some point, he mentioned that he'd been for a few years married to a woman who neither appreciated him for who he was, nor truly understood him, and from whom he was now divorced. "Those were the loneliest years of my life", he said to me, "I felt lonelier during those years than at any time when I've actually lived alone by myself. The sex was really great, but even the sex couldn't put much more than a minor dent every now and then in the loneliness."

I've heard much the same observation made by at least two other people that I know. And I think there's great truth to it. There seems to be something about being in an "intimate" relationship with someone who neither appreciates nor understands us that can make us acutely lonely -- lonelier than even being by ourselves.

Now, the main reason I'm bringing this up is because I've known people who shacked up or married largely out of fear of being alone. And I would like to caution anyone who is considering doing that, that it might not be the wisest thing to do.

But beyond that, I'd like to hear your experiences with this sort of thing. Have you ever felt lonely while in a relationship because you were not appreciated nor understood by your partner? If so, how acutely did you feel alone? What, if anything, happened to change the situation? What advice, if any, would you now give to someone who might be contemplating getting into a similar relationship?

 

[savagewind]

Now, the main reason I'm bringing this up is because I've known people who shacked up or married largely out of fear of being alone. And I would like to caution anyone who is considering doing that, that it might not be the wisest thing to do.

But beyond that, I'd like to hear your experiences with this sort of thing. Have you ever felt lonely while in a relationship because you were not appreciated nor understood by your partner? If so, how acutely did you feel alone? What, if anything, happened to change the situation? What advice, if any, would you now give to someone who might be contemplating getting into a similar relationship?

I am in a relationship where sometimes I feel acutely alone and I have felt like ending my life at times. Though I did not get into the relationship with the fear of being alone.

What, if anything, happened to change the situation?

Forum. And Jesus Christ.

What advice, if any, would you now give to someone who might be contemplating getting into a similar relationship?

At the time of my getting into this relationship that I stayed in and am happy that I did I, I did not know myself. My advice is to know yourself before choosing a partner. I think some people bloom early and are ready for an intimate commitment sooner than others. I was a late bloomer and was not ready for sex, family and marriage.

 

[beenherebeforeagain]

Yes, that was one of the underlying reasons I entered my first marriage, and while at times things were good, overall, I was increasingly lonely in that relationship, and stayed in it far longer than I should have. Once out of that relationship, I rediscovered who I was and how to be that person.

As the King in Pippin said, "I'm not sure all the fornicating I'm getting is worth all the fornicating I'm getting!" As @savagewind suggests, know yourself, and I would add, really know your partner. In my case, there were signs even early in our relationship, after the first few dates, that I should have heeded--I hoped she would change for me, as I was willing to change for her, but that did not happen, and looking back, it was unrealistic of me to expect her to. I mean, c'mon, she couldn't even pass the elephant swallowed by the snake test from The Little Prince!

 

[Sunstone]

Once out of that relationship, I rediscovered who I was and how to be that person.

That strikes me as a very good point. I think in such relationships, it is easy to become alienated from oneself -- from whom one is. Perhaps that could be largely because the loneliness encourages us to try and become someone who our partner will appreciate, accept, or even love.

 

[beenherebeforeagain]

That strikes me as a very good point. I think in such relationships, it is easy to become alienated from oneself -- from whom one is. Perhaps that could be largely because the loneliness encourages us to try and become someone who our partner will appreciate, accept, or even love.

Yep! That's what happened; I tried real hard for a long time, but nothing was ever enough, and there was no reciprocation, no turning to me as I turned to her (see the article http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-traits-2015-11, which I've now posted in a different thread on friendships, as well as started a thread last night under Social World).

 

[Sunstone]

Yep! That's what happened; I tried real hard for a long time, but nothing was ever enough, and there was no reciprocation, no turning to me as I turned to her (see the article http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-traits-2015-11, which I've now posted in a different thread on friendships, as well as started a thread last night under Social World).

Great article! Thanks!

 

[savagewind]

I am a junk collector who married a neatnik as in he puts his books in order alphabetically. (Who doesn't?) He is an atheist whose religion is clear spaces. Haha. It's been fun. BUT, if not for him, I might never have met the Jehovah's Witnesses and learned supreme patience and might never have found Religious Forums.

I tend toward being a connoisseur of fine food and wine but he of fried clams. He took me to the hospital cafeteria for lunch. I love him!

 

[SkylarHunter]

I've been through something similar. I met someone a few years ago, we fell in lust (that was all there really was), the sex was great but there were nothing else. We were just very different people. I felt terribly lonely with him and he probably felt the same although he never complained.
It broke my hearth when we separated because I really liked him but it was for the best and today I'm glad that relationship ended. It would never have lasted anyway.

 

[Jayhawker Soule]

I've been very fortunate.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I think people's conscious input into whether they are alone or not, and who they end up with, is way overrated as a relevant factor.

 

[Wirey]

A few days ago, I ran across a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in about a decade. We immediately got to talking about what we'd each been up to. At some point, he mentioned that he'd been for a few years married to a woman who neither appreciated him for who he was, nor truly understood him, and from whom he was now divorced. "Those were the loneliest years of my life", he said to me, "I felt lonelier during those years than at any time when I've actually lived alone by myself. The sex was really great, but even the sex couldn't put much more than a minor dent every now and then in the loneliness."

I've heard much the same observation made by at least two other people that I know. And I think there's great truth to it. There seems to be something about being in an "intimate" relationship with someone who neither appreciates nor understands us that can make us acutely lonely -- lonelier than even being by ourselves.

Now, the main reason I'm bringing this up is because I've known people who shacked up or married largely out of fear of being alone. And I would like to caution anyone who is considering doing that, that it might not be the wisest thing to do.

But beyond that, I'd like to hear your experiences with this sort of thing. Have you ever felt lonely while in a relationship because you were not appreciated nor understood by your partner? If so, how acutely did you feel alone? What, if anything, happened to change the situation? What advice, if any, would you now give to someone who might be contemplating getting into a similar relationship?

Sometimes you'd better feel alone. Who want someone else to be their only reason for living?

 

[Wherenextcolumbus]

But beyond that, I'd like to hear your experiences with this sort of thing. Have you ever felt lonely while in a relationship because you were not appreciated nor understood by your partner? If so, how acutely did you feel alone? What, if anything, happened to change the situation? What advice, if any, would you now give to someone who might be contemplating getting into a similar relationship?

Yes, but it was more than not being understood, it was very manipluative and emotionally abusive. In two of my relationships I felt like I was more generous and understanding of their faults than they were of mine. First one lasted 9 yrs and last one 5 months (I've progressed a lot in cutting them off early, blocking their numbers and throwing shade so they stay away and I stay away too.)
They also struggled a lot with understanding and paitence for an introvert.

The only thing that changed the situation was the break up and I'm grateful for it.

What would my advice be? Probably what one of my radical womanist friends told me "use your feminism to love yourself more deeply and honestly."
So with every mistake understand yourself more deeply and reflect on your relationship with honesty and don't rush intimacy, accept that people change including yourself.

 

[Rick O'Shez]

That strikes me as a very good point. I think in such relationships, it is easy to become alienated from oneself -- from whom one is. Perhaps that could be largely because the loneliness encourages us to try and become someone who our partner will appreciate, accept, or even love.

I can recall the experience of trying to compromise too far to "fit in" with somebody else's expectations - not for very long though.