After I was noted for being pretentious, I did some introspection on that. I think there's some truth to that. I think that could be what it is. Maybe I'm pretentious.
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The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence
- Thread starter The Sum of Awe
- Start date
How and why were you noted for being pretentious, if you don't mind sharing?
It happened on Reddit, when I made a post about how I feel like I have a poor sense of humor. I typed some things I've introspected, and a commenter said something along the lines it isn't the poor sense of humor, it's me being pretentious. It sort of makes sense, I do try to excel and be better than others, maybe more on a subconscious level because I know I'm not truly better than anyone else, but I must have that mindset. I am very prideful about my deep thinking and how productive I am. I clean my house constantly in case someone comes over so they can see I'm a clean person. I guess that in conversation (in person) I am pretty humble, I don't actively boast or anything, nor act holier than thou. But internally I do believe I am better than a lot of people I come across because of their various behaviors.
I see. Personally, I wouldn't put much stock in feedback from Reddit, especially if it's based on just one thread you made.
You know yourself better than anyone else does, though, so if your introspection has led you to conclude that you need to work on something, I wish you good luck in the endeavor.
You're right. I honestly think it was more in the way I worded my question. I won't take it to heart or anything. But it's something to watch out for.
I think there's some common denominator here with my anxiety: fear of being boring, fear of being seen as disingenuous, fear of appearing pedantic, fear of appearing pretentious. I think these all have an underlying thing that I'm anxious about. Maybe I could bring this up to my therapist and see if he could help me figure out what.
Overall I've been a lot more confident and comfortable with myself lately. I approached my boss the other day and admitted that we weren't making rate after two hours (which is a new rule she had just instated yesterday), and I was getting chewed out by my other boss for a part being wrong that I and a couple others were doing the day before and I was assertive in saying "I honestly don't know who did that part, we all rotated" instead of freezing up and saying something anxiously (come to find out, this was a part we stopped before it was boxed, this boss was digging through the scrap bin to find something to complain about). And a few other good notable things that showed confidence in myself, I've noticed it doesn't bother me as much anymore when people don't like me. I can see the progress in my confidence.
It's been a month now and I wanted to be sure of something before I posted again.
A few things I want to say:
1) I am doing these things for me. I won't stop trying to keep up with cleanliness and chores, healthy eating and exercise, being kind and considerate, trying to become more social, etc. for as long as I live, regardless if I end up with a partner or not. And if I grew old or died without ever having found a partner, I would not view these things as a waste of time. I'm happy doing these things. I'm doing it for me. I will not give up. And I think that's the true definition of self esteem.
2) Although I have been trying to talk to strangers more, it's still very scary for me. If I try to make eye contact with them and they're not looking at first, they might think I'm staring at them. Or, They are way over there I'm not going to go out of my way to talk to them since I don't know them, that will be weird! Or, That person doesn't want to be bothered etc. There's just so many excuses not to. And when I finally do happen upon someone I walk by and make eye contact with, I might smile, say hi, and/or say "How's it going" but it doesn't go any further than that. Not to mention I'd have no idea what to talk about or say to start a conversation. I could always talk about the weather, but that's so cliche and I can't see that going very far. I dunno...
3) I still have the insecurity of appearing to be Mr. Perfect or an Incel or pretentious or whatever that holds me back from talking about myself openly. It's hard to talk about what I do over the week (since chores, exercise, writing, and working out take up a majority of it) without sounding like I'm boasting or trying to impress people (I think subconsciously I might be - why? Because I do hope having these traits increase my chances of finding love, or at least respect, but at the same time I am happy to do it for myself like I mentioned in 1.) -- I don't know if there's any merit to this insecurity? Or something I need to evaluate? Or maybe they're based on something someone once said. Someone at my job called me Mr. Perfect, around the time I first started truly introspecting and chasing my flaws like a dog chasing its tail. It still stings to this day. Maybe I should just get over it and feel free to talk about what I did this week, regardless of what it is - productive or lazy.
4) Have I found love and confidence yet? Yeah, right in the mirror
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing something wrong yet. My confidence doesn't seem to be validated by anyone who knows me except my parents. But then again maybe that's because few people know me. Who knows? I'm tired of putting so much energy into analyzing and correcting my behavior, I don't see anything wrong with my behavior, hope I'm right.
A few things I want to say:
1) I am doing these things for me. I won't stop trying to keep up with cleanliness and chores, healthy eating and exercise, being kind and considerate, trying to become more social, etc. for as long as I live, regardless if I end up with a partner or not. And if I grew old or died without ever having found a partner, I would not view these things as a waste of time. I'm happy doing these things. I'm doing it for me. I will not give up. And I think that's the true definition of self esteem.
2) Although I have been trying to talk to strangers more, it's still very scary for me. If I try to make eye contact with them and they're not looking at first, they might think I'm staring at them. Or, They are way over there I'm not going to go out of my way to talk to them since I don't know them, that will be weird! Or, That person doesn't want to be bothered etc. There's just so many excuses not to. And when I finally do happen upon someone I walk by and make eye contact with, I might smile, say hi, and/or say "How's it going" but it doesn't go any further than that. Not to mention I'd have no idea what to talk about or say to start a conversation. I could always talk about the weather, but that's so cliche and I can't see that going very far. I dunno...
3) I still have the insecurity of appearing to be Mr. Perfect or an Incel or pretentious or whatever that holds me back from talking about myself openly. It's hard to talk about what I do over the week (since chores, exercise, writing, and working out take up a majority of it) without sounding like I'm boasting or trying to impress people (I think subconsciously I might be - why? Because I do hope having these traits increase my chances of finding love, or at least respect, but at the same time I am happy to do it for myself like I mentioned in 1.) -- I don't know if there's any merit to this insecurity? Or something I need to evaluate? Or maybe they're based on something someone once said. Someone at my job called me Mr. Perfect, around the time I first started truly introspecting and chasing my flaws like a dog chasing its tail. It still stings to this day. Maybe I should just get over it and feel free to talk about what I did this week, regardless of what it is - productive or lazy.
4) Have I found love and confidence yet? Yeah, right in the mirror
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing something wrong yet. My confidence doesn't seem to be validated by anyone who knows me except my parents. But then again maybe that's because few people know me. Who knows? I'm tired of putting so much energy into analyzing and correcting my behavior, I don't see anything wrong with my behavior, hope I'm right.
I don't have much more to say in this thread. I feel like I've made significant progress and I'm right where I need to be. I feel more confident, I'm getting better at talking to people. I have even made a few connections with people I consider friends. Bonus points, I'm doing better with my family.
I'd like to end it on a little note for anyone who is looking at this thread going through similar things I went through (social anxiety, loneliness, low self esteem). If I were to give one peace of advice, here it is:
The biggest thing for me has been accepting that I feel that anxiety and continuously doing my best to act calm and collected with it. It gets easier to perform under pressure that way, and then confidence naturally increases.
It’s a gradual process, much trial and error. Perseverance is the key.
I'd like to end it on a little note for anyone who is looking at this thread going through similar things I went through (social anxiety, loneliness, low self esteem). If I were to give one peace of advice, here it is:
The biggest thing for me has been accepting that I feel that anxiety and continuously doing my best to act calm and collected with it. It gets easier to perform under pressure that way, and then confidence naturally increases.
It’s a gradual process, much trial and error. Perseverance is the key.
I’m restarting this thread. While I’m not as lonely or anxious as I am when i first started this thread, and I feel more self confident, I’m starting to realize that it’s time to take another step deeper into developing a social life. I’ve feared it would become a struggle to try to make time for the friends I already have, and also have time for myself, but the people I’ve connected with in person don’t necessarily feel very close because of a weak similarity in lifestyle, humor, communication type, interests, or hobbies. Varies from person to person which traits our relationship is distant in, but it tends to make me desire more.
I figure that I’ll naturally make the time for people i want to see more, and naturally make the time for myself as I need it, and it will work itself out.
I’ve been considering going to a zen center to see if i could make friends there. It’s about an hour and a half drive though. It might become a headache to go even biweekly, especially if I don’t make friends right away.
I’m returning to the idea of making small talk in person. Perhaps meeting people in the local library. I’ve heard many advise against this because I could certainly stand out as an off putting person if I try to strike up conversations with a lot of people, bothering people in a place meant to be quiet.
My next idea was a coffee cafe, like the very first post in this thread, except this time it would be in a college town. In fact, the same town the zen center is in, so an hour and a half drive. This cafe is bigger than a Starbucks. But i still have the same fear as the library thing, standing out as the person trying to strike up conversations and bothering people.
To give you an idea how lightly populated the library will be in my town, last time i went in there it was literally just me and one other person, aside from the librarians. I suspect most hours of the day there wouldn’t be more than 5 people there at a time, unless it’s a parent who brought their kids there.
The cafe, I’m not sure how busy that gets. Though it’s a college town, the city only has a population of 7600 people.
As i mentioned earlier in this thread, there are no meetup groups in my location. Not for at least a three hours drive away.
I figure that I’ll naturally make the time for people i want to see more, and naturally make the time for myself as I need it, and it will work itself out.
I’ve been considering going to a zen center to see if i could make friends there. It’s about an hour and a half drive though. It might become a headache to go even biweekly, especially if I don’t make friends right away.
I’m returning to the idea of making small talk in person. Perhaps meeting people in the local library. I’ve heard many advise against this because I could certainly stand out as an off putting person if I try to strike up conversations with a lot of people, bothering people in a place meant to be quiet.
My next idea was a coffee cafe, like the very first post in this thread, except this time it would be in a college town. In fact, the same town the zen center is in, so an hour and a half drive. This cafe is bigger than a Starbucks. But i still have the same fear as the library thing, standing out as the person trying to strike up conversations and bothering people.
To give you an idea how lightly populated the library will be in my town, last time i went in there it was literally just me and one other person, aside from the librarians. I suspect most hours of the day there wouldn’t be more than 5 people there at a time, unless it’s a parent who brought their kids there.
The cafe, I’m not sure how busy that gets. Though it’s a college town, the city only has a population of 7600 people.
As i mentioned earlier in this thread, there are no meetup groups in my location. Not for at least a three hours drive away.
Of your closest friends, do they have anything in common?
I should specify that I’m talking about in person friends. I have met many friends online and on here, and including you, and i feel like i have many things in common with my online friends.
To answer your question about my closest in person friends, I do have some things in common. My immediate family and I have common communication styles. My coworker friends that I hang out with almost every week, we have some things in common but not a lot. Our communication style is different, a couple interests in common (one i have music in common with and the other i have outdoor work and houses in common, we all seem to enjoy campfires, going out to eat, and movies)
I feel like they are more into the teasing humor and also a little bit more dirty minded humor than I am. I don’t enjoy crap talking except very lightly, I’m afraid of being disrespectful. Same reason I don’t want to go too deep into dark or raunchy humor more than I already do.
I think sometimes when you're looking to figure out what makes you 'bond' with people, drawing a line between the online/offline isn't helpful. One certainly needs friends offline, but sometimes online friends can help direct a person to what they should be looking for. (And from there, figure out where to best look for that.)
I was trying to figure out one day what type of people I'd befriend the easiest, so I compared my two closest friends(one offline, one online) to see what they had in common. They had a lot not in common... but they had some major things in common, and that helped me understand a bit.
Communication styles do matter a good deal... obviously the sensitive and the blunt will struggle a little together.
I'm glad you've found a few people to hang with, at least. I hope you're able to build some stronger friendships soon.
(Is the town Decorah?)
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That’s a very helpful approach. I’ll have to think on that. Thank you.
Yep, good ole Decorah. Definitely seems like a decent town.
That’s a very helpful approach. I’ll have to think on that. Thank you.
Yep, good ole Decorah. Definitely seems like a decent town.
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Decorah's a great place! Wish I could move there!
(Quote feature won't work on my post.)
Definitely. We chose the wrong towns xD. I don’t know if Decorah is any more social than Waterloo or not. It’s a smaller city after all
I typed the quote function wrong in my last post, my bad
Decorah's nice(but expensive).
Waterloo's trashy(but cheap).
I think as to which is more social, it probably depends on what kind of socializing you're looking for.
That’s fair.
What’s your opinion on small talk with strangers? Do you think it would bother or annoy a lot of people?
I love small talk with strangers! Or big talk.
But I'm weird.
I think if they don't respond much, they probably don't want to. If they talk back, they probably welcome it.