To all members,, seeking unbiased opinions.

[We Never Know]

Any thoughts, opinions, advice?

So today I was down at my daughters putting up a storm door on her house.(she let the wind catch it and broke the glass out of it) plus putting a new door on her underground storm shelter(it was in need of being replaced).

Anyhow her ex-husband(they divorced last June) has been blowing her phone up within texts and calls, driving by her house(it's off the road with a 1/3 mile drive away and can't be seen from the highway), spying on her, telling her he knows so and so is/was there at her house etc. She is seeing someone right now.


Last month I went down there and put up security cameras and a few times went back at night and have set up in the woods trying to catch him sneaking around without any luck. She has caught him out on the highway by her place a few times and has threatened him with a restraining order

To my point.... When I was there today working, she was mowing and her ex had my grandson(he is two). When her ex brought him back, he just goes right into her house.
I stopped my daughter mowing and said "he just went into your house"
She said I know.
I said hadn't you better go up there.
She said no it's fine. He is with my grandson

I said what the hell do you mean it's fine?... He's been pretty much stalking you to where you have threatened him with a restraining order but you just let him go into your house with no problem? Etc.
She got a little pissy but went to the house.

After he left she came back out and apologized to me for getting pissy.

I said no worries. If he is harassing you like you say, then don't let him just go into your house especially if you aren't in there.


For our conversation, Was I in the wrong??


PS: She won't let me get a hold of him because she said he is your grandsons dad plus I don't want to see you get in trouble because the boys and I need you.

PPS: yes this is the same daughter I posted on about a year ago.(if you remember)

 

[Debater Slayer]

PS: She won't let me get a hold of him because she said he is your grandsons dad plus I don't want to see you get in trouble because the boys and I need you.

What kind of trouble was she talking about? And why would that trouble entail your not being available (that's what I gather from "the boys and I need you")?

I don't think you were in the wrong about your concerns at all, but I wouldn't have asked her why she let him inside in an angry or aggressive tone. I think keeping such conversations calm is for the best.

From your description of the stalking, it sounds to me like the guy definitely raises major red flags and even potential security concerns, though. I don't know how the law works over there concerning such a situation, but isn't stalking illegal?

 

[We Never Know]

What kind of trouble was she talking about? And why would that trouble entail your not being available (that's what I gather from "the boys and I need you")?

I don't think you were in the wrong about your concerns at all, but I wouldn't have asked her why she let him inside in an angry or aggressive tone. I think keeping such conversations calm is for the best.

From your description of the stalking, it sounds to me like the guy definitely raises major red flags and even potential security concerns, though. I don't know how the law works over there concerning such a situation, but isn't stalking illegal?

I know she is worried I will beat him half to death and be in trouble with the law.

Yes stalking is a bad thing. She could put a restraining order on him but so far has only threatened to do so. I think he backed of a little.

 

[Debater Slayer]

I know she is worried I will beat him half to death and be in trouble with the law.

Does she have a realistic indicator that you could do that? If yes, I think trying to stay as even-tempered as possible while helping her would be best for both of you. I won't pretend to even begin to know how a father feels about seeing his daughter in such a potentially unsafe situation, but as she said, it would definitely be an even bigger problem if you weren't there for her.

Yes stalking is a bad thing. She could put a restraining order on him but so far has only threatened to do so. I think he backed of a little.

That's good, on both counts. I hope things don't escalate any further.

 

[Rachel Rugelach]

You sound like a loving, protective father and grandfather. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Besides, you're closer to the situation than anyone you ask about it, so I say: Trust your instincts.

One thing I couldn't help noticing: It was YOU who helped your daughter out by putting up that storm door for her. I don't suppose her ex offered to do that, even though he seems to want to get back with her again. I think that says a lot about the ex, and how your daughter is lucky to have her father in the picture.

You mentioned that the door you were fixing was for your daughter and grandchild's underground storm shelter. That sounds like a pretty vital, life-saving job, to me. If the ex cared so much for them, then he should've been on that job faster than a buzzard on a gut wagon. (if you ask me)

 

[JustGeorge]

Any thoughts, opinions, advice?

So today I was down at my daughters putting up a storm door on her house.(she let the wind catch it and broke the glass out of it) plus putting a new door on her underground storm shelter(it was in need of being replaced).

Anyhow her ex-husband(they divorced last June) has been blowing her phone up within texts and calls, driving by her house(it's off the road with a 1/3 mile drive away and can't be seen from the highway), spying on her, telling her he knows so and so is/was there at her house etc. She is seeing someone right now.


Last month I went down there and put up security cameras and a few times went back at night and have set up in the woods trying to catch him sneaking around without any luck. She has caught him out on the highway by her place a few times and has threatened him with a restraining order

To my point.... When I was there today working, she was mowing and her ex had my grandson(he is two). When her ex brought him back, he just goes right into her house.
I stopped my daughter mowing and said "he just went into your house"
She said I know.
I said hadn't you better go up there.
She said no it's fine. He is with my grandson

I said what the hell do you mean it's fine?... He's been pretty much stalking you to where you have threatened him with a restraining order but you just let him go into your house with no problem? Etc.
She got a little pissy but went to the house.

After he left she came back out and apologized to me for getting pissy.

I said no worries. If he is harassing you like you say, then don't let him just go into your house especially if you aren't in there.


For our conversation, Was I in the wrong??


PS: She won't let me get a hold of him because she said he is your grandsons dad plus I don't want to see you get in trouble because the boys and I need you.

PPS: yes this is the same daughter I posted on about a year ago.(if you remember)

First off, its a relief to hear she's not with that guy anymore... (I do remember.)

You weren't in the wrong. The situation sounds confusing, and upsetting to witness.

Its probably confusing and upsetting to her, too(I've navigated parenting with a person that was volatile for awhile). But, I think your response was warranted, and I'm glad she apologized and you both moved on.

Even more so, I'm glad you're there for her and your grandkids.

 

[Wu Wei]

First, if she hasn't already, change the locks on the house, and the frequency on the garage doors if they have automatic doors

 

[We Never Know]

First off, its a relief to hear she's not with that guy anymore... (I do remember.)

You weren't in the wrong. The situation sounds confusing, and upsetting to witness.

Its probably confusing and upsetting to her, too(I've navigated parenting with a person that was volatile for awhile). But, I think your response was warranted, and I'm glad she apologized and you both moved on.

Even more so, I'm glad you're there for her and your grandkids.

Yeah I don't like the guy. I'm glad she divorced him. He's an abusive control freak.
When last year my oldest grandson(8 at the time) said he would rather die than have to live with him, that was an eye opener for my daughter.

 

[We Never Know]

First, if she hasn't already, change the locks on the house, and the frequency on the garage doors if they have automatic doors

No worries there. When she divorced, she left. We helped her get her own place. That's why I couldn't understand her just letting him go in.

 

[We Never Know]

Does she have a realistic indicator that you could do that? If yes, I think trying to stay as even-tempered as possible while helping her would be best for both of you. I won't pretend to even begin to know how a father feels about seeing his daughter in such a potentially unsafe situation, but as she said, it would definitely be an even bigger problem if you weren't there for her.



That's good, on both counts. I hope things don't escalate any further.

"Does she have a realistic indicator that you could do that"

Yes. Lets leave it at that.

I do stay(try to stay) even tempered but the guy is a control freak. She is naive. I'm not.

 

[Quagmire]

I remember you talking about this last year too WNK, and like @JustGeorge said it's good to hear that your daughter got away from this guy.

I think you're handling things admirably so far. It's hard to know what to do or what to expect in a situation like this. I know your mind can go off in a lot of different directions at once, and any given option can look like too much and yet not enough all at the same time.

Whatever happens I hope everybody stays safe and out of trouble.

 

[Curious George]

Any thoughts, opinions, advice?

So today I was down at my daughters putting up a storm door on her house.(she let the wind catch it and broke the glass out of it) plus putting a new door on her underground storm shelter(it was in need of being replaced).

Anyhow her ex-husband(they divorced last June) has been blowing her phone up within texts and calls, driving by her house(it's off the road with a 1/3 mile drive away and can't be seen from the highway), spying on her, telling her he knows so and so is/was there at her house etc. She is seeing someone right now.


Last month I went down there and put up security cameras and a few times went back at night and have set up in the woods trying to catch him sneaking around without any luck. She has caught him out on the highway by her place a few times and has threatened him with a restraining order

To my point.... When I was there today working, she was mowing and her ex had my grandson(he is two). When her ex brought him back, he just goes right into her house.
I stopped my daughter mowing and said "he just went into your house"
She said I know.
I said hadn't you better go up there.
She said no it's fine. He is with my grandson

I said what the hell do you mean it's fine?... He's been pretty much stalking you to where you have threatened him with a restraining order but you just let him go into your house with no problem? Etc.
She got a little pissy but went to the house.

After he left she came back out and apologized to me for getting pissy.

I said no worries. If he is harassing you like you say, then don't let him just go into your house especially if you aren't in there.


For our conversation, Was I in the wrong??


PS: She won't let me get a hold of him because she said he is your grandsons dad plus I don't want to see you get in trouble because the boys and I need you.

PPS: yes this is the same daughter I posted on about a year ago.(if you remember)

I would say that you were in the wrong, for the right reasons.

Try taking on her perspective. There is an abusive, controlling, ex with whom she feels tied, despite the divorce due to the children.

I think there is a possibility that she 1) doesn’t want conflict (especially in front of the children) and 2) doesn’t want to cause any escalation in his behaviors.

Perhaps she was avoiding his disregard for boundaries in a hope to avoid him and to prevent him from having any footholds to further press his control.

Perhaps the best thing to do was to offer to go in and make the guy feel uncomfortable so he left sooner. Perhaps the best thing would be to have a heart to heart with your daughter at a later time when she was less overwhelmed. That conversation could acknowledge that she may have reasons for avoiding conflict, but also note that you are worried about the lack of boundaries.

Pushing her towards that conflict especially when she is feeling flustered or frustrated as evidenced by her getting “pissy.” Is not a good decision.

 

[We Never Know]

I would say that you were in the wrong, for the right reasons.

Try taking on her perspective. There is an abusive, controlling, ex with whom she feels tied, despite the divorce due to the children.

I think there is a possibility that she 1) doesn’t want conflict (especially in front of the children) and 2) doesn’t want to cause any escalation in his behaviors.

Perhaps she was avoiding his disregard for boundaries in a hope to avoid him and to prevent him from having any footholds to further press his control.

Perhaps the best thing to do was to offer to go in and make the guy feel uncomfortable so he left sooner. Perhaps the best thing would be to have a heart to heart with your daughter at a later time when she was less overwhelmed. That conversation could acknowledge that she may have reasons for avoiding conflict, but also note that you are worried about the lack of boundaries.

Pushing her towards that conflict especially when she is feeling flustered or frustrated as evidenced by her getting “pissy.” Is not a good decision.

"Perhaps the best thing to do was to offer to go in and make the guy feel uncomfortable"

My making him feel uncomfortable would be telling him to bluntly to leave or throwing him out. So I just kept working out where I was.

However he did stop in the driveway as he was leaving. He yelled something across the yard at me.
I turned and said WHAT! (yes in a way like **** off)
He said "do your need any help"
I said "No! Just get on down the road"

 

[SomeRandom]

I don’t think you were in the wrong. Lot of red flags.

If anything, I think you showed great restraint and civility.

 

[We Never Know]

I don’t think you were in the wrong. Lot of red flags.

If anything, I think you showed great restraint and civility.

Thanks

 

[Subduction Zone]

Any thoughts, opinions, advice?

So today I was down at my daughters putting up a storm door on her house.(she let the wind catch it and broke the glass out of it) plus putting a new door on her underground storm shelter(it was in need of being replaced).

Anyhow her ex-husband(they divorced last June) has been blowing her phone up within texts and calls, driving by her house(it's off the road with a 1/3 mile drive away and can't be seen from the highway), spying on her, telling her he knows so and so is/was there at her house etc. She is seeing someone right now.


Last month I went down there and put up security cameras and a few times went back at night and have set up in the woods trying to catch him sneaking around without any luck. She has caught him out on the highway by her place a few times and has threatened him with a restraining order

To my point.... When I was there today working, she was mowing and her ex had my grandson(he is two). When her ex brought him back, he just goes right into her house.
I stopped my daughter mowing and said "he just went into your house"
She said I know.
I said hadn't you better go up there.
She said no it's fine. He is with my grandson

I said what the hell do you mean it's fine?... He's been pretty much stalking you to where you have threatened him with a restraining order but you just let him go into your house with no problem? Etc.
She got a little pissy but went to the house.

After he left she came back out and apologized to me for getting pissy.

I said no worries. If he is harassing you like you say, then don't let him just go into your house especially if you aren't in there.


For our conversation, Was I in the wrong??


PS: She won't let me get a hold of him because she said he is your grandsons dad plus I don't want to see you get in trouble because the boys and I need you.

PPS: yes this is the same daughter I posted on about a year ago.(if you remember)

You were not in the wrong, but your daughter's reaction was understandable. It is sometimes hard to call the cops on someone that one used to love when one should. For her own safety she should be recording all of his actions and passing them on. But she probably still has feelings for the jerk and so she is torn.

Sorry that you and yours have to go through with this. For her sake I would suggest that you do record all of his actions that you can. Sadly you might need them some day.

 

[RestlessSoul]

I have no specific advice to offer, just these very general suggestions; continue to be there for her, respect her opinions, do what you think is right, don’t get arrested. Good luck.

 

[Curious George]

"Perhaps the best thing to do was to offer to go in and make the guy feel uncomfortable"

My making him feel uncomfortable would be telling him to bluntly to leave or throwing him out. So I just kept working out where I was.

However he did stop in the driveway as he was leaving. He yelled something across the yard at me.
I turned and said WHAT! (yes in a way like **** off)
He said "do your need any help"
I said "No! Just get on down the road"

Engaging in that behavior in front of your grandchildren or while they are asleep n the home is putting them at risk and going to cause emotional trauma. This is was one of the things which I suggested your daughter may have been trying to avoid. If you couldn’t restrain yourself for your grandchildren’s sake, then it is better you didn’t go in the house.

 

[Revoltingest]

Consider....
- The best way to protect is to observe & support.
- Aggression escalates problems.
- Offer advice that won't feel like criticism.
- Mitigate hostile judgments with a little charity.
- Preserve equanimity, ie, be cool
- Anger compromises judgment & reasoning.
- Always consider full consequences of one's own actions.
IOW, be acting in their best interest, not acting out.

 

[SalixIncendium]

For our conversation, Was I in the wrong??

You probably could have approached it differently. I understand you're concerned, but I would have empowered her rather than criticizing her.

With my daughter, I explain what I would do, why I would do it, and the potential consequences of not doing it.

Once our children reach adulthood, it is our responsibility as parents to instill knowledge in our children, provide emotional support, and pick them up when they've fallen. They learn nothing by being told what to do. I won't be here forever and I want to ensure my daughter is prepared to navigate life on her own once I'm gone.

Finally, if I was being stalked, I wouldn't threaten a restraining order. I'd go out and get the damn thing.