What do I do about this friend?

[HiddenHijabi]

Now I'll start by saying that I am in no way insulting the relationship I have with this person and I have had some very good times with her. However there are some issues which despite my best attempts, have remained unaddressed.

Firstly and probably most importantly is her 'issues' (if you know what I mean). She seems to use said issues as a smokescreen or wall to hide behind, and when anything happens to her her automatic defence is, rather than doing anything about it, is to fall into escapist fantasies. Trying to support her through problems does little good, because she simply refuses to acknowledge anything IS a problem.

Then there's the neediness. This is someone who once bombarded me with 105 text messages, one after the other, in the space of a single hour (and no, I can't turn off my phone in case my work rings). She can be very overwhelming at times, and attempts to distance myself are met with tantrums.

Lastly, there's the issue that everything seems to be at her convenience. It's difficult enough being friends as she lives in the next city over, but this isn't anything a mobile phone can't solve. However attempts to pin her down to committing to anything is like trying to nail jelly to a wall. It may just be a quirk of my personality, but I like to know what I'm doing in advance, and I like to have set times, dates and places for stuff. Yet when I try to do this with her, bearing in mind I have mosque, work and other commitments, she ignores this. Yet when it's the other way round and I'm the one trying to set something up with her, she'll get upset and start shouting her mouth off that I forget she's got commitments and that I'm bugging her.

I don't know what to do, because every attempt I've made to try and sort this stuff out failed, and yet I don't want to lose a good friend.

 

[NobodyYouKnow]

Now I'll start by saying that I am in no way insulting the relationship I have with this person and I have had some very good times with her. However there are some issues which despite my best attempts, have remained unaddressed.

Firstly and probably most importantly is her 'issues' (if you know what I mean). She seems to use said issues as a smokescreen or wall to hide behind, and when anything happens to her her automatic defence is, rather than doing anything about it, is to fall into escapist fantasies. Trying to support her through problems does little good, because she simply refuses to acknowledge anything IS a problem.

Then there's the neediness. This is someone who once bombarded me with 105 text messages, one after the other, in the space of a single hour (and no, I can't turn off my phone in case my work rings). She can be very overwhelming at times, and attempts to distance myself are met with tantrums.

Lastly, there's the issue that everything seems to be at her convenience. It's difficult enough being friends as she lives in the next city over, but this isn't anything a mobile phone can't solve. However attempts to pin her down to committing to anything is like trying to nail jelly to a wall. It may just be a quirk of my personality, but I like to know what I'm doing in advance, and I like to have set times, dates and places for stuff. Yet when I try to do this with her, bearing in mind I have mosque, work and other commitments, she ignores this. Yet when it's the other way round and I'm the one trying to set something up with her, she'll get upset and start shouting her mouth off that I forget she's got commitments and that I'm bugging her.

I don't know what to do, because every attempt I've made to try and sort this stuff out failed, and yet I don't want to lose a good friend.

If you don't want to continually suffer mentally as a result of this friend, the best thing you can do is to give each other some space for a while, and if she is too 'needy' or 'clingy', just say that you have a few personal problems you need to work through and with all due respect, must do so alone.

You have the advantage of this only being a friend...I have the disadvantage of this being my father - who is nearly 80.

He hasn't been diagnosed with dementia, but it's freaking obvious:

I went over to his house this evening...

Dad: ' how come you never phone me? I haven't heard from you in over a week now'.
Me: ' I phoned you yesterday to say I was coming over today, remember?'
Dad: ' No you didn't. I received no calls from you yesterday.'
Me: ' would you like me to provide phone records for you, dad? I did phone you yesterday, or else I wouldn't freaking be here'.
Dad: 'phone records can be tampered with...no, you phoned me last week saying you'll be over this week. It wasn't yesterday...you did not phone me yesterday. You did NOT!'
Me: 'yes, I did and I know I did!'
Dad: 'bulls***! Stop lying to me. You did not, you big liar! I am right and you are totally wrong about this'.
Me: 'Yeah, I'm sorry for lying to you, father. You are totally correct. I only thought I phoned you yesterday, but it was last week...I don't know how that idea came into my head...my memory must be failing me'.
Dad: ' Yes. You seriously should go see a doctor about that. You need to have a strong memory, like I have. You don't want to get 'old-timers disease' before you are even 50'.

...and I mean everything is like this with him...every...bloody...conversation about anything!

Dad: 'what do you mean, I didn't give you the phone charger with that mobile phone I loaned you because yours was broken...I did give you the charger for it'.
Me: 'No, you didn't, or else I would not be asking you for it now'.
Dad: 'Yes, I recall it distinctly, giving the charger to you...you must have lost it'.
Me: 'How is it possible for me to lose something I never even had in the first place'?
Dad: 'Your memory must be really bad. How can you not remember me giving you the charger? I wouldn't give you the phone without the charger'.
Me: 'you told me at the time that the charger was 'around somewhere' and you'd find it and give it to me the next time I visited you, do you recall saying that?'
Dad: 'You are making all this up now as you go along...I did give it to you'.

*Dad accidentally finds phone charger in his room a few days later...

Dad: 'Here is my spare charger. Take this one to replace the charger I gave to you and you lost...'
Me: "Yeah, sorry dad, I apologise for losing the charger you gave to me before and lying to you about all that. You were right all along...you gave me the charger when you gave me the phone and I lost it."
Dad: "why must you always be so stubborn and difficult? Why must you always argue with me? What have I done?
Me: 'Nothing dad, I have just had a rough day is all...sorry to take it out on you'.
Dad: 'yeah, we should seriously see about that doctor's appointment...you're totally losing the plot here'.
Me: 'yeah, you're right, dad'.

Now, you try and put up with 6 whole hours straight of this, and what your friend does, doesn't even compare!

I feel like committing suicide after every time I visit him, but if I do not, he leaves hundreds of messages on my phone, my daughter's phone, my flatmate's phone, my mother's phone...and they are all telling me to sort this stuff out because dad's interference and intrusion in their personal/private lives is just way too much for them to bear and I can understand that...my daughter and flatmate have both blocked his number.

Now, you try dealing with that...and I can tell you right now, that no sane person ever can.

 

[Sunstone]

Now I'll start by saying that I am in no way insulting the relationship I have with this person and I have had some very good times with her. However there are some issues which despite my best attempts, have remained unaddressed.

Firstly and probably most importantly is her 'issues' (if you know what I mean). She seems to use said issues as a smokescreen or wall to hide behind, and when anything happens to her her automatic defence is, rather than doing anything about it, is to fall into escapist fantasies. Trying to support her through problems does little good, because she simply refuses to acknowledge anything IS a problem.

Then there's the neediness. This is someone who once bombarded me with 105 text messages, one after the other, in the space of a single hour (and no, I can't turn off my phone in case my work rings). She can be very overwhelming at times, and attempts to distance myself are met with tantrums.

Lastly, there's the issue that everything seems to be at her convenience. It's difficult enough being friends as she lives in the next city over, but this isn't anything a mobile phone can't solve. However attempts to pin her down to committing to anything is like trying to nail jelly to a wall. It may just be a quirk of my personality, but I like to know what I'm doing in advance, and I like to have set times, dates and places for stuff. Yet when I try to do this with her, bearing in mind I have mosque, work and other commitments, she ignores this. Yet when it's the other way round and I'm the one trying to set something up with her, she'll get upset and start shouting her mouth off that I forget she's got commitments and that I'm bugging her.

I don't know what to do, because every attempt I've made to try and sort this stuff out failed, and yet I don't want to lose a good friend.

My hunch is you can't change her. At least not enough to make her more bearable.

The good news, though, is you're a kind, interesting person and -- if you put yourself out there -- you're bound to come across someone better able to manage a friendship than she has been.

 

[YmirGF]

I simply cannot imagine tolerating this kind of behavior from a supposed "friend". Emotional vampires are bad enough when they are part of the family. You can do something about it when they are not. I'd recommend that you stop feeding the beast.

 

[HiddenHijabi]

My hunch is you can't change her. At least not enough to make her more bearable.

The good news, though, is you're a kind, interesting person and -- if you put yourself out there -- you're bound to come across someone better able to manage a friendship than she has been.

This is where the issue lies for me- despite me telling her so, she seems completely and willingly ignorant that she has, and still is, disrupting my life for the sake of her fantasyland dramas.

Plus what really gets me even more angry is the fact that she has a lot more free time and money (no job, living off benefits) than I do, who's trying to hold down a job and a shedload of other stuff. I personally can't afford to waste the little time I do have for myself, and as you say, there's likely someone out there who can fill that time better.

 

[Iti oj]

I simply cannot imagine tolerating this kind of behavior from a supposed "friend". Emotional vampires are bad enough when they are part of the family. You can do something about it when they are not. I'd recommend that you stop feeding the beast.

They deserve love, compassion, respect, healing and friend ship as much as you or I. In some ways they need it more.

People are.

 

[psychoslice]

And you call this person your friend ?. Does she have bipolar or something like that?.

 

[HiddenHijabi]

And you call this person your friend ?. Does she have bipolar or something like that?.

Yep on both counts.

 

[Iti oj]

Yep on both counts.

my best friend is the same way. Never get sucked into the delusion never take it personally. You have a chance to be a stabilizing factor in volatile person. Its quite a blessing and honor( though an huge pain in the ***) also know its not always helpful to argue the delusion.