What does it take to be loved?

[standing_alone]

It seems that whether you are loved or not is a good measure on what value you can place on your life. If you're loved, you're obviously worth something to someone, whereas if you're not, well, you really might as well not be alive. At least that's the conclusion I've come to. :angel2:

But anyways, I'm curious as to what one has to do to be loved. It seems to me that most often the biggest a-holes are the ones people love the most. Am I missing something here? :areyoucra What the hell does someone have to do to be loved? Like, do you have to treat people like dirt or something? Or what?

 

[Buttercup]

The surest way to finding love in any form for yourself is to offer love first, to anyone and everyone. Generally, it comes back to you ten fold.

 

[standing_alone]

The surest way to finding love in any form for yourself is to offer love first, to anyone and everyone. Generally, it comes back to you ten fold.

But then howcome people love so many a-holes? And what about when that doesn't work?

 

[Buttercup]

It seems to me that most often the biggest a-holes are the ones people love the most. Am I missing something here? :areyoucra What the hell does someone have to do to be loved? Like, do you have to treat people like dirt or something? Or what?

Do you really think the jerks get all the love? I don't.

 

[standing_alone]

Do you really think the jerks get all the love? I don't.

Not "all the love." I'm just saying that a-holes are so often loved by people. Just what I've witnessed.

 

[Buttercup]

Not "all the love." I'm just saying that a-holes are so often loved by people. Just what I've witnessed.

Sometimes jerks are quite extroverted and go after what they want.

My dad was single for 10 years and used to complain, "Why don't girls like nice guys?" I used to say...."They do, dad but you sit home by yourself all the time so how is anyone going to know you're nice?"

Guess my point is that nice girls and guys get love just as often too. But, you have to make yourself available for it. He's now happily remarried.

 

[standing_alone]

But, you have to make yourself available for it.

Well yeah, but that goes without saying. But what are you supposed to do to make people like you? All I've noticed is you can treat people like crap and for some reason they are intrigued by you. But what else can you do? Or is that it?

 

[Buttercup]

Well yeah, but that goes without saying. But what are you supposed to do to make people like you? All I've noticed is you can treat people like crap and for some reason they are intrigued by you. But what else can you do? Or is that it?

I think you just see that analogy as true because being a jerk is the opposite of what you are therefore you think that method works. Believe me.....drop kick that fallacy from your mindset. It doesn't work to be a jerk, not in the long term. Being a jerk does not bring in more friends or lovers. And if it does, who cares? You aren't a jerk so you need to find your own way to attract love.

You need to define what type of love you want first of all. Is it friendship type love or an intimate partner type love?

For either scenario....you need to place yourself in social situations where this is more likely to happen. For my dad...he simply started accepting some of the social invitations he was given instead of sitting home watching TV. Eventually (within six months) he met his current wife.

If you want something.....you have to go get it. It's not likely to drop on your lap out of nowhere.

 

[Willamena]

All you have to do is love.

 

[Willamena]

Not "all the love." I'm just saying that a-holes are so often loved by people. Just what I've witnessed.

*psst* Perhaps they're not really a-holes, just are in some people's eyes.

 

[Buttercup]

But what are you supposed to do to make people like you?

In case you want a direct answer to this question......

You can't "make" anyone like you. You be yourself and hope for the best.

Because you are somewhat shy, you have to force yourself outside your comfort zone and attend social events. Be your funny, intelligent self.

Ask people questions about themselves. Everyone loves a good listener.

Laugh often. Tell jokes. Everyone loves someone who is light hearted and laughs often.

Join a discussion group. Find a social situation (political perhaps) where people of like mind gather. Voice your opinion outloud while there. Soon, people will see that you're funny and smart.

Be a friend. Start the converstation first instead of waiting for someone to talk to you first.

Smile at people. I can't tell you how many conversations have started for me simply by smiling first.

I know this sounds like simplistic advice but it's worked for me.

 

[standing_alone]

And if it does, who cares?

I do.

For either scenario....you need to place yourself in social situations where this is more likely to happen.

Yes, that's been established. But how are you supposed to interact with people? That's what I'm not understanding...

 

[standing_alone]

Yes, that's been established. But how are you supposed to interact with people? That's what I'm not understanding...

Ah, see you posted just before me. Thanks.

 

[Willamena]

But what are you supposed to do to make people like you?

A fellow named Dale Carnegie (amongst others) wrote a book about that, called How to Win Friends and Influence People. He says the best way to get people to like you is to make them feel important, let them know that you care about them with a smile, an acknowledgement, listening to what they say, giving them your attention. If you do genuinely care about them --who they are as a person, rather than as a thing (like a-hole) --that's all it takes.

 

[standing_alone]

So I see that it's the answer I expected to get "talk to people about themselves, care and stuff - make 'em feel important" which I already knew. So is that really all that it comes down to (because I've never really seen that work)?

Thanks to you two for your participation, by the way.

 

[Willamena]

(because I've never really seen that work)

But have you tried it for yourself?

 

[standing_alone]

But have you tried it for yourself?

Yep..

 

[Sunstone]

Standing Alone, one of the sad things of life is that people who have been in some way abused as children often grow up to be attracted to people who will abuse them. You were perhaps seeing this sort of thing happen and have therefore concluded that many "people are attracted to A holes". At any rate, if you study the psychology of abuse, I think you will find answers to many of your questions from that unexpected source.

 

[standing_alone]

Standing Alone, one of the sad things of life is that people who have been in some way abused as children often grow up to be attracted to people who will abuse them. You were perhaps seeing this sort of thing happen and have therefore concluded that many "people are attracted to A holes". At any rate, if you study the psychology of abuse, I think you will find answers to many of your questions from that unexpected source.

I thought about that. Makes sense that some people who were abused would do that. Thanks for your post.

 

[Sunstone]

I hate to say this because you've heard it so many times before that you are sure to be sick of hearing it, but the people I've known in my life who were the most loved usually were also the most loving.

Now, everyone has a different way of loving others. It's just a myth that all people love alike. So, the problem becomes: Can I find out how I naturally love others?

But you should love others for the sake of love and not to be loved. If you set out to love others in order to get love in return, the chances are fairly good you'll be disappointed. Don't know why that is, but it is.

So, the problem now becomes: Is there anything about love that makes me want to love for the sake of love?

Since you're an intellectual person, you might approach love in this way: By first contemplating that love is not merely an emotion, but also a way of seeing, a perspective, a way of experiencing someone. It's not just about feelings, but is also just as much about how you see someone. About what you see about someone. Do you see negatives or positives, for instance?