What Is Love?

[Treks]

When I got married, I thought I new what love was. I was married for nearly 6 years, but now separated.

So now I'm asking the question, What is love (in the context of spousal relationships)?

Thoughts welcome.

 

[Smart_Guy]

Let's see, I believe love is acceptance, sacrifice, caring for one another, and devotion.

Acceptance is taking the spouse as they are, without allowing little or big matters, unless it is destructive to that little new family, causing one to let go of the other.

Devotion is giving the spouse their rights without neglecting them without a valid reason.

The other two are self explanatory

Did I mention food? Nah, forget about it

 

[AgnosticBoy]

When I got married, I thought I new what love was. I was married for nearly 6 years, but now separated.

So now I'm asking the question, What is love (in the context of spousal relationships)?

Thoughts welcome.

Love is a feeling of deep affection (attachment, sexual desire, commitment) towards a person. This involves romantic love and companionate love. Based on all of these factors, I see love as a feeling and action. This is my sum up from reading 2 or 3 research papers on the subject of love about 2 years ago. One of those articles involved if a person can be in love with 2 people at the same time, but I didn't like the conclusion since the negative outcomes involved 'dishonesty' and secrecy which is already a bad start.

In your specific case, I wouldn't say that you didn't experience love at all, but apparently that experience was not maintained. We can get into if love is supposed to last a lifetime but that usually gets into religious concepts (nothing wrong with that) and personal standards.

Scientifically-speaking, love is only defined based on what can be empirically tested. Dr. Helen Fisher usually breaks it up into 3 components with corresponding brain centers - those 3 parts are sex drive, attraction, and attachment.

 

[Sunstone]

Spouses tend to form oxytocin bonds with each other. Oxytocin bonds produce pleasurable, warm and fuzzy feelings towards the person you bond to. Spouses who form such bonds with each other tend to identify the resulting feelings as love.

None of which is to say that spouses cannot genuinely love each other. But, in my opinion, oxytocin bonds are not genuine love. Spouses who genuinely love each other have more than merely those bonds to go on.

 

[xkatz]

What is love?

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!

 

[Treks]

Thank you for replies so far.

My understanding of love is when you feel devoted committment to the other person, and you actively work at helping that person through their troubles, sharing in their good times, and being someone who they can trust and rely on.

That is how I felt towards my husband.. but my motivation to feel that way towards him was eroded over time.

We can get into if love is supposed to last a lifetime but that usually gets into religious concepts (nothing wrong with that) and personal standards.

This is a very good element to bring to the question. Thanks for raising it.

Is it really love if it can be eroded over time?

 

[AgnosticBoy]

When I got married, I thought I new what love was. I was married for nearly 6 years, but now separated.

So now I'm asking the question, What is love (in the context of spousal relationships)?

Thoughts welcome.

It's interesting that historically, love and/or sexual attraction was not a prerequisite for marriage, at least not when it came to women. Women used to have no choice on who they would marry. Nowadays, women would probably not marry unless there was some sexual attraction and love for the man. It's amazing how society has such a powerful affect on how we feel and live - it almost seems natural (genetic, inherent) but much of it is not.

 

[ametist]

whenever i see this thread title ..



[youtube]iPWuLSzDWnI[/youtube]
Frankie Goes To Hollywood - The Power Of Love - YouTube

 

[Treks]

It's interesting that historically, love and/or sexual attraction was not a prerequisite for marriage, at least not when it came to women. Women used to have no choice on who they would marry. Nowadays, women would probably not marry unless there was some sexual attraction and love for the man. It's amazing how society has such a powerful affect on how we feel and live - it almost seems natural (genetic, inherent) but much of it is not.

Not even historically, even today there are still arranged marriages. These are usually brought about my family members who think the couple is a good 'match' (whatever that means).

I've heard some women in arranged marriages say that they learn to love the other person over time. I find that fascinating.

I also think a lot of what we think is love, is really lust in disguise.

Or, perhaps you could describe love as multi-layered, with lust being the top most layer. Other layers would consist of things such as respect, trust, honesty, committment, attraction, tolerance.

If love had a core, I wonder what would be at it.

 

[dawny0826]

My husband and I define our love as being kind, patient, respectful, understanding, encouraging, supportive, passionate, compassionate and steadfast. (He just shot off some of these adjectives from the other room and I've deposited some of these myself.)

It is connection, friendship and a genuine regard for the other's health, happiness and personal growth.

Love is an appreciation for like mindedness and the courage to challenge each other, learn from one another and admit defeat when appropriate.

Love fulfills, inspires and motivates without enslaving you. It frees you. It makes you want to be the best person that you can be.

I love Father Heathen for his honesty, honor, integrity, intelligence, compassion, depth of character and wicked sense of humor.

 

[atanu]

When I got married, I thought I new what love was. I was married for nearly 6 years, but now separated.

So now I'm asking the question, What is love (in the context of spousal relationships)?

Thoughts welcome.

Sorry to hear that. May all be well.

In Brihadaraynaka Upanishad there is a talk between sage Yajnavalkya and his wife Maitreyi. That talk is, for me (and possibly for many others), the last word on any kind of love. You may wish to read.

A Dialog between Maitreyi and Yajnavalkya from Brihadaranyaka Upanishad

The Conversation of Yajnavalkya and Maitreyi on the Absolute Self - The Brihadaranyaka Upanishad - Chapter II

 

[atanu]

Sorry to hear that. May all be well.

In Brihadaraynaka Upanishad there is a talk between sage Yajnavalkya and his wife Maitreyi. That talk is, for me (and possibly for many others), the last word on any kind of love. You may wish to read.

A Dialog between Maitreyi and Yajnavalkya from Brihadaranyaka Upanishad

The Conversation of Yajnavalkya and Maitreyi on the Absolute Self - The Brihadaranyaka Upanishad - Chapter II

I do not know if any one read these or not. I thought that a particular para from the second link is pertinent.

The love that you feel in respect of an object is in fact the love that you feel towards that which is called perfection and completeness. It is not really a love for the object. You have thoroughly misunderstood the whole point, even when you are clinging to a particular object as if it is the source of satisfaction. The mind does not want an object; it wants completeness of being. That is what it is searching for. Thus, when there is a promise of the fulfilment that it seeks, through the perception of an object that appears to be its counterpart, there is a sudden feeling that fullness is going to come, and there is a satisfaction even on the perception of that object; and there is an apparent satisfaction, just by the imagined possession of it together with the yearning for actual possession. So, what is it that you are asking for? You are not asking for any object or thing; you are asking for a condition of completeness in your being. "So, my dear friend," says Yājñavalkya, "nobody is dear. No object can be regarded as lovable or desirable. It is something else that you love and are asking for, but by a notion that is completely misconstrued, you believe that the object is loved."

 

[Wirey]

When I got married, I thought I new what love was. I was married for nearly 6 years, but now separated.

So now I'm asking the question, What is love (in the context of spousal relationships)?

Thoughts welcome.

Love is when she steals the blankets and you get over it right away.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Love is being determined to be kind, patient, supportive, and forgiving to each other, no matter what happens; failing miserbly at that; and then staying together anyway.

 

[Sha'irullah]

[youtube]xhrBDcQq2DM[/youtube]

It angers me that nobody is playing thing song. Seriously somebody should have thought of this by now.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

It angers me that nobody is playing thing song. Seriously somebody should have thought of this by now.

Sometimes just because you think of something, it doesn't mean that you should actually do it.

 

[Sha'irullah]

Sometimes just because you think of something, it doesn't mean that you should actually do it.

Wait, so you are saying that it is wrong to steal? :run:

...meow

 

[AgnosticBoy]

This is a very good element to bring to the question. Thanks for raising it.

Is it really love if it can be eroded over time?

In my view love can be eroded. Love is in part rooted in biology/genetics but it is a feeling and an action that is mostly affected by what WE choose and do. It doesn't exist somewhere out there beyond our complete control or influence.

Some Christians may object to love that can be eroded but I think they're probably be equating love and marriage together - one can exist without the other. Even in Christianity you're allowed to remarry if your spouse dies which implies that the previous love can end for dead spouse and your love starts for another person ( or maybe you can love both?). Logically, this would also mean that love can be eroded for your children no matter how instinctual the love seems. The evidence for that is that there are the plenty of parents who sell their kids into sex slavery or worse - who actually kill their kids, etc. Some fathers don't even care about their kids. As long as your underlying standard is to love your kids no matter what, then it will likely be that your choice and behavior will correspond to that along with the help of biology.

 

[atanu]

Love is when she steals the blankets and you get over it right away.

Over it?

 

[lunamoth]

Love is truly wanting and doing the best for another person. Closeness of love, such as in marriage and family, is the effort you put into helping that come to be.