When is it permissible to divorce?

[GR8FL1]

I can give some examples of what I think is serious. A husband who beats his wife. She's not safe at home and is justified in getting a divorce. But that's the easy one to identify. There are other forms of psychological abuse, disrepect or demeaning behavior which may justify divorce. It's a very personal question.

I know a few Mormons from my wards over the years who had affairs and yet they stayed married. There was a lot of forgiveness going on there. I'm glad they made it work and seem happy together. I've also seen cases of repeated infidelity where the victimized spouse gets out of the marriage. That makes perfect sense to me.

I was married for 30 years when my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I was floored by it. She feels it was justified based on her perspecitive of our life together, yet I was clueless as to there even being a problem. It was the most gut wrenching, soul searching, heart breaking experience I have ever been through. To this day, I don't fully understand what happened. We share the same religion and the same view of the family. We came to dramatically different conclusions on our marriage. Go figure.

 

[GR8FL1]

Scott, heart wrenching indeed. I think there was a lot going on underneath the surface, though. I am wondering what your wife really wanted out of life. You say you were married for 30 years, would your wife have been in mid-to -late forties or early fifties? There is always that feeling out in the world of 'finding something,' without realizing that what is at home is the very 'something' that so many would give everything to have the chance of. I think marriage takes a great deal of spiritual maturity and some people do not progress as quickly as others, or even at all. The fact that you were not aware of a problem is startling to me. Why didn't your wife talk to you about the problem, if there was one, especially if it was serious enough to derail the entire train? I am a Mormon, too, and I can definitely testify that it is difficult to understand what is in another person's heart and mind. However, if your wife had a difficulty with you she ought to have discussed it with you and talked about ways to overcome such difficulties. I know from personal experience that lots of people do not think in terms of 'our eternal marriage,' but only in terms of what would be best for themselves. I hope you can feel better about this situation. You don't say what your ex has been doing with her life since marriage. Could there have been someone else?

 

[Scott C.]

Scott, heart wrenching indeed. I think there was a lot going on underneath the surface, though. I am wondering what your wife really wanted out of life. You say you were married for 30 years, would your wife have been in mid-to -late forties or early fifties? There is always that feeling out in the world of 'finding something,' without realizing that what is at home is the very 'something' that so many would give everything to have the chance of. I think marriage takes a great deal of spiritual maturity and some people do not progress as quickly as others, or even at all. The fact that you were not aware of a problem is startling to me. Why didn't your wife talk to you about the problem, if there was one, especially if it was serious enough to derail the entire train? I am a Mormon, too, and I can definitely testify that it is difficult to understand what is in another person's heart and mind. However, if your wife had a difficulty with you she ought to have discussed it with you and talked about ways to overcome such difficulties. I know from personal experience that lots of people do not think in terms of 'our eternal marriage,' but only in terms of what would be best for themselves. I hope you can feel better about this situation. You don't say what your ex has been doing with her life since marriage. Could there have been someone else?

I appreciate your comments. I remarried 2 1/2 years ago and I consider my recovery and the life lessons learned to be miraculous. Life is very good. There are of course many more details, but I'd best not go public here.

 

[Trailblazer]

When is it permissible to divorce? Are your views of when it is permissible based on your religion?

In my religion, the Baha'i Faith, it is permissible to divorce only if one has an aversion to their spouse, in which case it is better to divorce than stay married, since unity is the keynote of my religion...

After one decides they want a divorce they must go through what is called the "year of patience" wherein the couple tries to work things out... During that year they cannot live in the same domicile and they cannot have sex. If after a full year they have been unable to reconcile their differences a divorce may be granted.

According to the teachings of my religion, people should not divorce for reasons such as growing apart or sexual incompatibility because the primary purpose of marriage is to raise children who will love God, although there is no requirement that we have children. We never had any children for personal reasons.

I am not saying that everyone in my religion adheres to these teachings but I take them very seriously... At the worst of times i might have considered a divorce if I had not remembered that an aversion is the only reason to get divorced. I do not think I ever had an aversion although I was really angry at him for a number of years and that caused alienation that was never fully resolved. Suffice to say, we now have a platonic relationship but we never grew apart in any other way but physically, as we both have the same passions in life, our religion and our cats. He likes politics and I don't but that works out okay since we only have one computer that is up and running right now, so he has the TV and I have the computer.

We bicker a lot but it is rare that we fight anymore. If if we fight he always says he does not want to be a burden, so if I want a divorce he will give me everything we have except his pension and social security. I cannot imagine any other man saying that because we have so many assets; real estate, stocks and cash in addition to my income, state pensions and social security. If we were really estranged we could afford to live separately, but that makes no sense because the house we have is already too large for two people and 11 cats. Half of the house is completely closed off and we never even use the rooms anymore. So it would make no sense to get divorced and live separately unless we wanted to marry someone else. I have no interest in that. My priorities have completely shifted since I came back to my religion five years ago, after a hiatus of many decades. I could care less about my personal desires and my husband is the same way about his. I sure hope he outlives me but that is not likely given he is 10 years older than me and I am in very good health... I just keep hoping he will live as long as Billy Graham.

I am certainly good at getting off topic...

 

[England my lionheart]

I think its better not to get married in the first place and live together for say 10 years before commiting, hopefully you'll know if it's right and no pressure to stay together.