Why are timeouts better than spanking?

[bobhikes]

I am curious as to what the educated think?

Overall I would like all adults to take parenting classes before having kids but that is not going to happen. Being that this will not happen do you see the problem we are creating.

Basically there are three ways to punish your children.

Physical - A slap with the hand or belt, writting 100 times I will ....(pain is direct and can be seen if done to hard)

Mental and Emotional - a time out, guilt, threaten.(pain is caused by depriving the child of mental or emotional needs) the time out takes advatange of kids need to be part of the family.

Parents are not trained to properly give punishments and do it on a learning curve. Using mental and emotional punishments years could go by before the parent understands they are being cruel.

Children can understand physical pain but do not yet fully understand mentally or emotionally. Improper corrections can cause years of therapy in adulthood.

Why are we stressing emotional and mental over physical. It seems to me as this is dangerous. In the young years your child may not know how the time outs are effecting him and no other adult will be able to tell. With physical errors they will stand out other adults, teachers friends can see it. Physical correction is much safer for the child.

I would bet the need for physiatrists goes up exponentially in the future. I would also bet that most teen suicides are caused by improper emotional and mental corrections. Teen suicides have a much higher mortality rate then child mortality caused by physical abuse.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Anybody who gets traumatized from sitting in a time-out for a few minutes is pretty much screwed any way.

 

[ninerbuff]

When I became a stay at home dad, I took the approach of non physical punishment. This was totally opposite of the way I was brought up, but it when I sat down and thought about it, I used to hit my brothers to get them to listen to what I wanted done because that's what my parents did to me to get me to listen.
I really had to take time to learn patience and to be really staunch on not using any physical punishment. Today I'm glad to say that I have never once had to lay a hand on my daughter to discipline her and just using my voice and being consistent has shown her what is acceptable and what isn't. I get nothing but compliments on how well behaved she is and how nice she is to other kids in school.
So I'm not for physical punishment.

 

[bobhikes]

The problem I see is that not all parents do the right corrections even if they are non-physical.

Time - outs are basically isolation. A full grown adult can go mad in days to weeks of isolation. Prisons use it to correct the worst adults. The CIA uses it as an effective form of torture.

How long can a child with an undeveloped mind be in isolation without being harmed. Has anyone done studies on time-out effects on children. We know if times-outs are done right they are as effective as solitary confinment in prisons.

Doesn't these seem to be a problem if the parent is untrained.

 

[michel]

Because they are not physically abusive - but, there is no "right" method to parenting. Wouldn't life be dull if there was a definitive manual for parents? - but, so much better for the children.

 

[LuisDantas]

Bob, are you really implying that the emotional consequences of spanking are not significant when compared to those of a timeout?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Bob, are you really implying that the emotional consequences of spanking are not significant when compared to those of a timeout?

Sure sounds like it. Then again, some people still think the earth is flat.

 

[Engyo]

Basically there are three ways to punish your children.

Physical - A slap with the hand or belt, writting 100 times I will ....(pain is direct and can be seen if done to hard)

Mental and Emotional - a time out, guilt, threaten.(pain is caused by depriving the child of mental or emotional needs) the time out takes advatange of kids need to be part of the family.

You mentioned three ways of punishment, and only listed two.

Our daughter was raised with the ideas of choice and consequence. She was taught from 18 months on that she made choices about her behavior, and that her choices had consequences. We kept her informed as to the consequences of her choices, and then when she made her choices we applied those consequences. When she didn't like those consequences, we reminded her that she had other choices, and next time she could choose differently in order to receive different consequences.

Most kids can understand this readily, even at 18 months to 2 years, and while they will still try to push the boundaries, it works remarkably well. The key is that parents have to be rigorous about consistency, both in application and communication. If Mom has set the consequence for a given behavioral choice, Dad and babysitter both also need to know what that is in order to give even and equal application.

BTW, my daughter is 22 now and remarkably well-adjusted.

 

[bobhikes]

Bob, are you really implying that the emotional consequences of spanking are not significant when compared to those of a timeout?

No I am implying that the unknown consequences can be much worse.

Spanking, as abuse has been studied for years now. What studies have been done for time-out. Can you really determine how a child is effected by a time-out in the long run.

From experience I can tell you that my father used physical punishment. He always explained why and it was never a rash judgement. My mother used emotional and mental punishment. Her biggest problem was that she never explained why and was sometimes out of anger.

I have spent 2 years in therapy discussing my mother and still have issues with her. I have never had issues with my father or his punishments.

By the way I group emotional and mental together but I thought it was understood they are separate but the two are usually intertwined.


What makes time-outs successful as a punishment? How do they effectively correct a childs behavior? What method are you using to change there thought process? Is it doing anything permanant to them? How could anyone know if you were effecting them negatively?

Should we wait for teen suicide, criminal behaviour or psychotic actions.

Here's a worse case,

A mother I know put her child in time-out they didn't get any better and refused to stay in the place. She then threatened to lock her in her room with the monsters. The child start crying imediately sat down and took the time-out.

Any damage done there? Is it any worse than a spank on the fanny?

 

[dawny0826]

I am curious as to what the educated think?

Overall I would like all adults to take parenting classes before having kids but that is not going to happen. Being that this will not happen do you see the problem we are creating.

Basically there are three ways to punish your children.

Physical - A slap with the hand or belt, writting 100 times I will ....(pain is direct and can be seen if done to hard)

Mental and Emotional - a time out, guilt, threaten.(pain is caused by depriving the child of mental or emotional needs) the time out takes advatange of kids need to be part of the family.

Parents are not trained to properly give punishments and do it on a learning curve. Using mental and emotional punishments years could go by before the parent understands they are being cruel.

Children can understand physical pain but do not yet fully understand mentally or emotionally. Improper corrections can cause years of therapy in adulthood.

Why are we stressing emotional and mental over physical. It seems to me as this is dangerous. In the young years your child may not know how the time outs are effecting him and no other adult will be able to tell. With physical errors they will stand out other adults, teachers friends can see it. Physical correction is much safer for the child.

I would bet the need for physiatrists goes up exponentially in the future. I would also bet that most teen suicides are caused by improper emotional and mental corrections. Teen suicides have a much higher mortality rate then child mortality caused by physical abuse.

I don't think that any parenting class could fully prepare a parent for raising a child, especially considering the pressures of society and the unique disposition of each individual.

I laugh at the thought of following the crap that I read in parenting magazines regarding how to raise my kids, properly. There isn't always a one size fits all way to manage a situation and your child's personality and your own disposition needs to be considered. I think the "rod" of discipline can come in many forms as long as it's administered sternly.

 

[LuisDantas]

I don't think there is a particularly solid difference between physical and emotional abuse.

I do think, however, that the real damage is caused more by what parents deny their children (namely presence, understanding and support) than by the simple presence of either emotional or physical abuse. It is possible to overcome those stresses, but it takes having a reason to make the attempt and an adult example to inspire one.

Ultimately, I guess I still agree with Dr. Alice Miller in that it takes actually having access to an understanding, mature, loving adult to allow a child to overcome his or her hurt. I'm half convinced that the lack of such access is a leading cause of homosexuality, too.

 

[Vinayaka]

I think the most effective time out goes along with a clear explanation of which behaviour is or was unacceptable, and the time - out is based not on time, but when the child feels ready to come back to the situation without the behaviour.

I remember as a coach watching a volleyball player get so emotional it affected his or her play. I'd bench them, have them sit by me, and say, "let me know when you're ready to go back in. We want you helping the team, not hurting it."

Something like that.

 

[HeatherAnn]

I agree that more parents should take parenting classes.
I've both taken & taught them.
The love & logic method works best for us - where kids learn to take responsibility by natural or enforced consequences, along with empathy. Like a police officer doesn't yell, spank or put you in time-out, when you get pulled over, they just hand you the ticket & expect you to pay & go to traffic class.

Sometimes I'm not creative enough & I fall back on time-outs or spanks.
I don't like how I feel after spanking - hypocritical - like "Don't hit" & then I hit them.
Personally, I love time-outs for ME! lol We all could use them now & then - just to cool off.