Do the gods themselves fate lovers to cling to each other?
I think sooner or later most lovers do begin clinging to each other, if only "reasonably" so. Of course, what is a reasonable amount of clinging to one person, might be an unreasonable amount to another. But whatever the degree, I think lovers tend to cling, and to me that raises the question: Why?
The easy way to answer that is to say, "They cling because they love each other. The more they love each other, the more they cling." That would seem to solve the mystery -- up until we look a bit closer.
I'll wager most of us have now and then come across a couple who cling to each other, but who also seem to hate each other. Those couples are usually said to be in "love/hate" relationships, but I would question how they could both love and hate. From what I've seen, they don't. Love left on a bus a long time ago after being kicked out of the couple's house by emotional co-dependency, which has now replaced it.
So love cannot by itself be the only reason we cling to our lovers. There has got to be some underlying reason that explains clinging in both loving couples and co-depenent couples. But if so, what is that reason?
As nearly everyone knows, the scientific answer to that question is oxytocin. Oxytocin is a chemical that produces those wonderfully warm and fuzzy feelings lovers feel for each other, and naturally also feel for pics of cats on the internet. According to scientists, it is also extraordinarily addictive. Some even say just as addictive as heroin.
Oxytocin bonds long-term lovers together. It takes a while to kick in, so it's not all that important to new lovers, but once it does kick in, it becomes dominant. And people bonded by oxytocin act surprisingly like drug addicts. They need to get their "fix" of each other. If the other person is gone for too long -- three or four days, maybe -- they begin to show withdrawal symptoms -- symptoms some scientists say are similar in nature to, and can even in some folks be as intense as, withdrawal from an addictive drug.
So is that all that's involved? Have we finally resolved the mystery of why lovers cling?
Not as I see it. Two reasons for that. First, almost brand new lovers can become clingy, long before oxytocin has had a chance to bond them. Second, oxytocin is not absolutely guaranteed to kick in even with old lovers. It almost always does -- especially over time measured in decades -- but it does not always. For instance, a wife once told me that even after 11 of marriage, she didn't have any warm and fuzzy feelings for her husband, yet she considered herself "emotionally dependent on him". Warm and fuzzy feelings are the telltale sign of an oxytocin bond. And the fact she felt dependent without being noticeably bonded, suggests to me something more is at play here.
I think the ultimate reason lovers become clingy comes down to self-identifying with each other By "self-identifying", I mean the common human tendency to think of someone or something as somehow determining who we ourselves are as persons. Humans can self-identify with nearly anything, but we seem especially good at self-identifying with our lovers.
Here's what that has to do with clinging. When you think of someone as "a part of you", or as "a part of what makes you 'you'.", then you tend to be worried, concerned, or disturbed if and when something happens that threatens your relationship with them. For instance, suppose you think they have begun to lose interest in you. That could mean they might dump you, which of course would threaten your relationship -- but beyond that, it might threaten how you think of yourself.
It's pretty common for folks going through a break up to talk about -- not just how bad it makes them feel; -- but about how it changes what they think of themselves. A lot of folks also talk about the efforts they have put into mending things and preventing the break up, and sometimes those efforts are extraordinary. Of course, you could easily see all of that as fully explained by oxytocin, and how addictive it is.
Yet, I don't think oxytocin alone explains everything. For instance, consider the person who is tired and bored with his or her spouse, and who might even be thinking about divorcing them. But when their spouse decides to leave first, he or she is suddenly passionate to keep them. Oxytocin simply can't explain that behavior.
But self-identifying can. When the person was thinking of leaving, he or she felt in control of the situation, and thus in control of who they were as a person. But when their spouse decided to leave first, they felt they'd lost control, and thus they must do something to take charge again of their self-identity.
To sum up, if all of the above is more or less true, then I think we've found the answer: Ultimately, lovers cling to each other because they self-identify with each other, albeit stuff like oxytocin bonds are a big factor too.
By the way, what I'm calling here "self-identifying" seems to be what Buddhists call "attachment".
Comments? Questions?
I think sooner or later most lovers do begin clinging to each other, if only "reasonably" so. Of course, what is a reasonable amount of clinging to one person, might be an unreasonable amount to another. But whatever the degree, I think lovers tend to cling, and to me that raises the question: Why?
The easy way to answer that is to say, "They cling because they love each other. The more they love each other, the more they cling." That would seem to solve the mystery -- up until we look a bit closer.
I'll wager most of us have now and then come across a couple who cling to each other, but who also seem to hate each other. Those couples are usually said to be in "love/hate" relationships, but I would question how they could both love and hate. From what I've seen, they don't. Love left on a bus a long time ago after being kicked out of the couple's house by emotional co-dependency, which has now replaced it.
So love cannot by itself be the only reason we cling to our lovers. There has got to be some underlying reason that explains clinging in both loving couples and co-depenent couples. But if so, what is that reason?
As nearly everyone knows, the scientific answer to that question is oxytocin. Oxytocin is a chemical that produces those wonderfully warm and fuzzy feelings lovers feel for each other, and naturally also feel for pics of cats on the internet. According to scientists, it is also extraordinarily addictive. Some even say just as addictive as heroin.
Oxytocin bonds long-term lovers together. It takes a while to kick in, so it's not all that important to new lovers, but once it does kick in, it becomes dominant. And people bonded by oxytocin act surprisingly like drug addicts. They need to get their "fix" of each other. If the other person is gone for too long -- three or four days, maybe -- they begin to show withdrawal symptoms -- symptoms some scientists say are similar in nature to, and can even in some folks be as intense as, withdrawal from an addictive drug.
So is that all that's involved? Have we finally resolved the mystery of why lovers cling?
Not as I see it. Two reasons for that. First, almost brand new lovers can become clingy, long before oxytocin has had a chance to bond them. Second, oxytocin is not absolutely guaranteed to kick in even with old lovers. It almost always does -- especially over time measured in decades -- but it does not always. For instance, a wife once told me that even after 11 of marriage, she didn't have any warm and fuzzy feelings for her husband, yet she considered herself "emotionally dependent on him". Warm and fuzzy feelings are the telltale sign of an oxytocin bond. And the fact she felt dependent without being noticeably bonded, suggests to me something more is at play here.
I think the ultimate reason lovers become clingy comes down to self-identifying with each other By "self-identifying", I mean the common human tendency to think of someone or something as somehow determining who we ourselves are as persons. Humans can self-identify with nearly anything, but we seem especially good at self-identifying with our lovers.
Here's what that has to do with clinging. When you think of someone as "a part of you", or as "a part of what makes you 'you'.", then you tend to be worried, concerned, or disturbed if and when something happens that threatens your relationship with them. For instance, suppose you think they have begun to lose interest in you. That could mean they might dump you, which of course would threaten your relationship -- but beyond that, it might threaten how you think of yourself.
It's pretty common for folks going through a break up to talk about -- not just how bad it makes them feel; -- but about how it changes what they think of themselves. A lot of folks also talk about the efforts they have put into mending things and preventing the break up, and sometimes those efforts are extraordinary. Of course, you could easily see all of that as fully explained by oxytocin, and how addictive it is.
Yet, I don't think oxytocin alone explains everything. For instance, consider the person who is tired and bored with his or her spouse, and who might even be thinking about divorcing them. But when their spouse decides to leave first, he or she is suddenly passionate to keep them. Oxytocin simply can't explain that behavior.
But self-identifying can. When the person was thinking of leaving, he or she felt in control of the situation, and thus in control of who they were as a person. But when their spouse decided to leave first, they felt they'd lost control, and thus they must do something to take charge again of their self-identity.
To sum up, if all of the above is more or less true, then I think we've found the answer: Ultimately, lovers cling to each other because they self-identify with each other, albeit stuff like oxytocin bonds are a big factor too.
By the way, what I'm calling here "self-identifying" seems to be what Buddhists call "attachment".
Comments? Questions?
