Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

[te_lanus]

Did she actually do that?

She tried, but luckily I phoned my boss the day I left and told him everything. So when she phoned he just told her to leave me alone (which she didn't). I had to change my cell no. three times before she started to get the drift that I'm out of her control. Even today if the phone ring and it is a number that I don't know, I don't answer it. My dad had to get a interdict against her to stop her from phoning and harassing them to get to me.

 

[Kathryn]

From a woman's perspective, I would have had a lot more respect for her, personally and politically, if she had just kicked him to the curb - maybe after he ended his term as president - that would have been enough for me.

I think I would have had to make it very clear that we were sleeping in separate bedrooms at the least!

No, no - I couldn't have done it even that way. I would have divorced him and spoken out for all men and women who have been treated this disrespectfully.

 

[Kathryn]

te lanus - Do you feel more worthy now - more deserving of a better relationship?

 

[te_lanus]

te lanus - Do you feel more worthy now

I feel a lot more self-confident right now than ever in my life. but that first 8 months after leaving, I was so broken that standing up in the morning was a chore, I just didn't want to face another day.

more deserving of a better relationship?

Yes, would be the easy answer. But I've been on a few dates, but I could not get further than the first date. The old saying goes Once bitten twice shy. And that is so true at the moment, I think I'm more afraid of happening again now than ever.

I was on a first date recently, and had to tell the person that I'm leaving after a few hours, because she was already mapping out our life together after a hour.

 

[Kathryn]

Now THAT'S a clear danger signal! Glad you put her in the wind!

Date a lot of women - a LOT of women. It's ok to do that. Be like a kid in a candy store!

After awhile, you'll begin to recognize really quickly what you like and don't like!

 

[Autodidact]

By the way, Paul, just for the record, I love Father Ted!!!

"Drink! Feck! Goyles! Arse!"

Anyway, back to the topic at hand:

I think that there are two diametric forces at work in most abusive relationships - 1) the self esteem (ie, strength) of the victim, and 2) both parties are getting some sort of positive reinforcement from the dynamics of the relationship.

I think it only takes a breakthrough in one of those to shatter the equilibrium of the relationship and possibly break the cycle.

I believe most abusers are truly bullies and cowards at heart and that a strong woman would probably scare the hell out of them.

Kathryn: domestic violence is dangerous and sometimes fatal. The most dangerous thing an abused spouse can do is to leave the relationship. Victims who stay don't necessarily have psychological problems. Often they're afraid of what will happen if they leave, and often they're right about that.

If you open your newspaper today, you will probably find at least one news story related to a woman who has been killed by a male intimate partner or ex-partner.

 

[Aquitaine]

Kathryn: domestic violence is dangerous and sometimes fatal. The most dangerous thing an abused spouse can do is to leave the relationship. Victims who stay don't necessarily have psychological problems. Often they're afraid of what will happen if they leave, and often they're right about that.

If you open your newspaper today, you will probably find at least one news story related to a woman who has been killed by a male intimate partner or ex-partner.

But if you decide to stay in the abusive relationship, then you're not living. You're only emulating the crazed desires of your absuive partner, right?

Surely it would be better to leave.

As for the murders, yes you're right - there are lots over here too.
Although preventing such things arn't so easy.

Off the top of my head, perhaps having more local "refuges" for abused partners seeking to escape might be a good idea, maybe?

 

[Kathryn]

So auto, what's your solution to the problem? Do you think they should stay? Do you think they can create a change of dynamics in the relationship?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Kathryn: domestic violence is dangerous and sometimes fatal. The most dangerous thing an abused spouse can do is to leave the relationship. Victims who stay don't necessarily have psychological problems.

This would be horrible advice to give to somebody in an abusive relationship. Being in a constant environment of fear and emotional manipulation will almost certainly be psychologically damaging - particularly over the long-term. Additionally, it is no way to go through life.

Often they're afraid of what will happen if they leave, and often they're right about that.

This is a valid concern, but staying in an abusive relationship can lead to the same result. Allowing the relationship to continue will often result in cycle of continually escalating violence, abuse, and control.

If you open your newspaper today, you will probably find at least one news story related to a woman who has been killed by a male intimate partner or ex-partner.

So what is gained by the women who stay in an abusive relationship, but end up being killed by their partner? This happens as often, if not more often, than when women leave an abusive partner.

Appeasement of violence/abuse is never a solution, and if someone is really in fear for their life, then they need to get the help of other people and get out as soon as possible.

That being said, in my experience, most abusive relationships are not this extreme, and countless people get out of abusive relationships every year without being murdered. Would they have been better off staying in their abusive relationships?

Most abusers are weak cowards who get away with exactly how much they are allowed to.

 

[Autodidact]

But if you decide to stay in the abusive relationship, then you're not living. You're only emulating the crazed desires of your absuive partner, right?

Surely it would be better to leave.

And get killed? I don't think so.

As for the murders, yes you're right - there are lots over here too.
Although preventing such things arn't so easy.

That's right.

 

[Autodidact]

So auto, what's your solution to the problem? Do you think they should stay? Do you think they can create a change of dynamics in the relationship?

Mostly I just wanted to point out that the victims are not necessarily pathological. The solution to domestic violence?

First, all of society has to condemn it. That includes NOT tending to see the victim as pathological, and offering her all support and help for leaving.

Law enforcement needs to take a total containment approach: arresting, prosecuting, incarcerating, enforcing protection orders.

If it's not worth his while, many perpetrators will move along to the next victim and leave this one alone.

The more women have financial independence, the better.

Those are my thoughts, after years of working in the system.

 

[Autodidact]

This would be horrible advice to give to somebody in an abusive relationship. Being in a constant environment of fear and emotional manipulation will almost certainly be psychologically damaging - particularly over the long-term. Additionally, it is no way to go through life.

I'm not giving advice. I'm just pointing out that women stay in abusive relationships for very legitimate reasons.

This is a valid concern, but staying in an abusive relationship can lead to the same result. Allowing the relationship to continue will often result in cycle of continually escalating violence, abuse, and control.

It can, but the facts are that leaving is the most dangerous time. Ask Nicole Brown Simpson.

So what is gained by the women who stay in an abusive relationship, but end up being killed by their partner? This happens as often, if not more often, than when women leave an abusive partner.

Actually, no. Leaving is the most dangerous time.

Appeasement of violence/abuse is never a solution, and if someone is really in fear for their life, then they need to get the help of other people and get out as soon as possible.

I agree. I'm just pointing out that she has perfectly legitimate, non-pathological reasons why she hasn't left yet. Accusing her of mistreating her children or having a victim mentality is not helpful. She needs to make a careful, well-thought out plan, and get out. Unfortunately, it rarely works out that way.

She usually leaves in a panic and crisis.

That being said, in my experience, most abusive relationships are not this extreme, and countless people get out of abusive relationships every year without being murdered. Would they have been better off staying in their abusive relationships?

absolutely not.

Actually, it's very hard to predict which relationships turn fatal. Often there is not that much violence until she does leave, oddly enough.

We had a killing in Longmont a few years ago in which several people were shot at the victim's job, the city office, and there had been no previous history of violence.

Most abusers are weak cowards who get away with exactly how much they are allowed to.

I strongly agree with this, and I've met literally hundreds of them.

 

[Kathryn]

I didn't say the victims are the only ones at fault here. Of COURSE they aren't. But I do think that a victim's first step toward getting out of something destructive can be the realization that she has worth, value, and that she has a responsibility to better the lives of her children (if kids are involved).

Of course the "system" needs to provide protection for victims.

I don't think that these sick relationships develop overnight. I think that most women "trapped" in this have allowed this trap to be built around them over the course of years. I am saying that women should get out SOONER, and my interest lies in getting the message across to young girls, young women before they become enmeshed and embroiled in a destructive relationship where so much power is stripped from them.

They need to recognize the fault lines within themselves that make them an easy target - and they need to recognize red flags in relationships and get out sooner rather than later.

I am interested in how to tackle these issues on the front end whenever possible.

And I agree with your assessment above by the way. Especially the part about law enforcement.

 

[Aquitaine]

I agree. I'm just pointing out that she has perfectly legitimate, non-pathological reasons why she hasn't left yet. Accusing her of mistreating her children or having a victim mentality is not helpful. She needs to make a careful, well-thought out plan, and get out. Unfortunately, it rarely works out that way.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but before weren't you jst saying that leaving the relationship isn't a good idea?

Not only that, but I still believe the best thing to do is leave. Don't forget that people can be killed whilst still in the relationship.

In my opinion there needs to be a "safe haven" for abused partners to flee to, which are secure/safe. Not only that but there needs to be a dedicated and speedy way of containing the abuser, then he/she needs to be punished accordingly.

However, in the long-term, perhaps we need to revise our societies attitudes to having a relationship, and emphasize the importance of independence and consideration for other people/the partner? I dunno.

 

[Kimberlee]

I just got out of an abusive relationship in january. I had to get a restraining order against him and that helped me not go back to him also. we had only been married for 4 months and he hit me for the first time. i knew I had to get out because we had a baby and I didn't want her growing up seeing that. anyways i just felt like I didn't have anyone but him. I felt like I would be left alone and scared to raise a baby on my own. I was with him for two years. but I'm out of that now and back in college. raising my baby girl on my own just fine. he doesn't come around thank God

 

[Aquitaine]

Yeah that's another point, if you've got kids then you gotta get out ASAP, no kid wants to have to see Daddy opening up a can of Whoop-asssss on Mummy, on a regular basis, and then presume it's just "normal".

 

[michel]

I'm curious to hear why others think that so many people stay in abusive relationships.

I know that there are lots of reasons given, but what is the CORE reason?

Now let me clarify this - I'm not talking about Third World scenarios, or situations that are so pathetic that there truly is no escape. I am talking about average people in Western countries - people who have the means and ability to leave, but choose instead to stay.

I am most interested in hearing from those of you who were in abusive situations but chose to leave. What kept you there for the short haul and what made you finally leave?

After you made the break, did you enter into another abusive relationship, or have you succeeded in breaking that cycle?

Thinking about it, I was in an abusive relationship; I never really thought about it that way, and I suppose that thinking about it made me realise that was what it was.

I was madly in love - in fact, the love was more of an obsession, thinking about it - I think I would have done almost anything she would ask of me.

I met her at college; we started dating very soon after meeting. Everything "clicked into place". I was completely besotted by her; she was a great looking girl, clever, funny, had good taste in music, and was prepared to do spontaneous "silly" things.

After we had been seeing each other awhile, she got a job as a saleswoman; her manager would pick up a group of girls and drop them off in different parts of town (I can't even remember what they were selling).

She told me outright that she was infatuated with him; I told her that he was no good, and that I would "wait for her" - I knew the relationship would get nowhere. Strangely enough, that was the time when I really got to know her father; he knew what was going on, and asked me, one evening why I hadn't walked out on her - I told him why - that I was waiting for the inevitable break up; he and I became good friends, I think he was surprised by what I said, but thought more of me for that.

Soon after, she left to get a job a hundred or so miles away (quite a distance in the U.K lol); I was working, and it took quite a lot to get my employers to agree to post me to an office in the town where she lived.

Finaly, I got the move, and the relationship picket up again. Predictably (with hindsight), she moved back to her parent's house, and, again, with pleading, I got a move back too, from my employers.

Naturally, I asked her to marry me, but the reply to my question was not at all what I expected . She wanted to be a "free spirit", but she would marry me when we were both 50 (we were twenty odd at the time).

I knew that the whole thing was absurd, but I was going along with it; I didn't want to meet other girls - she was (I thought) the only one for me.

Well, after a while, I just couldn't stand it any longer, and told her I would not see her again; she seemed hurt - as if I was being unfair, but that was it.

I started dating again, and the same "pattern" emerged; I was dating manipulative girs.

I was lucky though, and met my wife. But I understand people who are constantly driven to going for the "same type" over and over again.

The core reason? human nature, getting used to a "habit" - even if that trend is manipulative, hurtful, it is something that "feels comfortable"

 

[Kathryn]

I just got out of an abusive relationship in january. I had to get a restraining order against him and that helped me not go back to him also. we had only been married for 4 months and he hit me for the first time. i knew I had to get out because we had a baby and I didn't want her growing up seeing that. anyways i just felt like I didn't have anyone but him. I felt like I would be left alone and scared to raise a baby on my own. I was with him for two years. but I'm out of that now and back in college. raising my baby girl on my own just fine. he doesn't come around thank God

Wow, what a great story and I am so glad you got out of that fairly early in the relationship!

Would you say then that having the responsibility of the child is what finally gave you the strength to get out? Or was it realizing that you had strengths that would allow you to make it away from him? Or both?

 

[Kathryn]

The core reason? human nature, getting used to a "habit" - even if that trend is manipulative, hurtful, it is something that "feels comfortable"

Michel, thanks for sharing your story.

Would you then say that fear of the unknown outweighed the bad parts of being in a relationship with dynamics that you understood?

Because that's a lot of how I see it - people stay with patterns that may even be destructive because, there at least they know the ropes and things are predictable.

 

[Danarch]

All women should be trained in martial arts. This would end an abusive relationship.