Why don’t men want to get married?

[lewisnotmiller]

Not sure. But think of if if two 60 year olds have babies those babies will be 120 years old. Umm . . . I think.

I'm almost 48, my wife is almost 45, and our youngest is almost 2...lol

 

[Truthseeker]

I am set in y ways and I don’t want to change my habits and ways of living and I do not want to move from the house I am living in. I am also unwilling to give up any of my cats. That limits the playing field quite a bit because most men are not cat lovers and even if they are eight cats is a bit much for most men.

I like having a couple of cats around the house. I could adjust to eight cats for my best friend. I am willing to move to your house. I do not know all of your habits.

 

[Trailblazer]

That is a big commitment at that age. Monetarily they may think that they have a lot to lose and little to gain. There will not be any children. We hope (eew!! old babies!!). Many older men are thinking of passing on what they have to their kids.

Monetarily they might not have anything to gain because I am not giving any man any money or assets, but they have nothing to lose either, because I don't want any of their money or assets. I always tell men that that only do I not need their money or assets, I don't want them, because I don't think I am entitled to them, and they should leave them to their children.. I wonder how many other women have this attitude.

So you are in a bit of Catch 22. The men that you probably want, successful men, will not want to risk that success on a late life wedding. Perhaps if you made it clear that you were open to a pre-nup and had your own wealth that you wanted to protect too you might find some takers.

I always tell men that, if I ever get that far, and the converse also applies. I have my own wealth I want to protect and I fully plan to do so.

The problem with telling men all of that is that if they are con men I have just given them a reason to try to con me out of my money. The three con men who came after me all said tat had a lot of money and assets, then I told them what I have. They probably did not have any of those assets but I believed them even though I had no interest in their assets. Live and learn. I know what all the con men red flags are now so I won't be going through that again. I am still having fun with a couple of them though as they think I don't know their game.

 

[Trailblazer]

Wow! I didn't know that about you. That's very impressive how you improved yourself.

That happened long, long before I ever met you, back in the 1980s and 1990s.

 

[Trailblazer]

"I had a good experience with marriage, so that is why I am eager to remarry."

At least that is how I read it.

That is correct. Even though certain things were missing in the marriage, I am certainly not looking for something I did not have before (other than wanting a handyman and a landscaper).

 

[Trailblazer]

I like having a couple of cats around the house. I could adjust to eight cats for my best friend. I am willing to move to your house. I do not know all of your habits.

Okay, don't forget you said that because I might hold you to it.
I know you could adjust because you are a Baha'i and you have had cats so in that way you are like Lewis.
Also, you are my bff so you are also like him in that way.

 

[Trailblazer]

Well, it's interesting. As you know, I am a widower almost the same age as you. And I would not want to marry a second time either. The chief reason is it would be hard to find a woman who would inspire me the way my wife did at the time we married. I have less energy now and the effort involved in sustaining a marriage feels as if it is beyond me. I suppose if a really exciting woman showed up who I wanted to give everything to, the way I did before, I would feel differently, but since I am less easily inspired now, the chances of that seem vanishingly remote.

It is nice to hear a man's perspective, especially a widower. Men on dating sites seem to think that they have to do so much for the woman they date or marry. I don't know what other women expect but I don't expect any of that. My late husband did not give me any of that and I was fine with it. I never cared about being doted upon, getting jewelry, flowers, and gifts, all I ever really wanted was a handyman and a landscaper.

I certainly wouldn't want to marry again just for the sake of companionship in the house. There are women around who I could make a pitch for sexually - one of them 20 years younger - but I don't want to risk spoiling good friendships by trying it. I've a feeling sex is like rowing: I used to be good at it, for about 30 years, and if you put me in a racing single today I expect the technique would come back enough for a competent paddle, but no more than that. My back might give out. Or my knees, or my heart. Best with these things to quit while you are ahead and not embarrass yourself for trying when you are past it.

From time to time I find myself feeling it would be nice to have someone else in the house, but when I remind myself what that would involve, I realise I could not do it. So for me it's just friendships now.

I am starting to think like you so I think you are having an influence on me. I am starting to realize what it would involve to have someone else in the house. I would not even want to have a roommate. The only advantage of being married is the companionship and emotional support, but that is just what I would want. A marriage is a two-way street so a man would have other expectations and I don't know if I am up for that. I would have to be really in love.

 

[Kenny]

On a purely hypothetical basis... you would do what?

Find another person I can share life with on a marriage level

 

[exchemist]

It is nice to hear a man's perspective, especially a widower. Men on dating sites seem to think that they have to do so much for the woman they date or marry. I don't know what other women expect but I don't expect any of that. My late husband did not give me any of that and I was fine with it. I never cared about being doted upon, getting jewelry, flowers, and gifts, all I ever really wanted was a handyman and a landscaper.

I am starting to think like you so I think you are having an influence on me. I am starting to realize what it would involve to have someone else in the house. I would not even want to have a roommate. The only advantage of being married is the companionship and emotional support, but that is just what I would want. A marriage is a two-way street so a man would have other expectations and I don't know if I am up for that. I would have to be really in love.

Yes, that's it: one would need to be in love, indeed.

What I meant about the effort was not about doting on someone or gifts etc, but the negotiations involved in forging a common life together, the need to really learn the personality and tastes of your partner, the alertness to any sensitivities and the associated diplomacy in how you express yourself, and things of that sort. It is all done willingly when you marry a wonderful woman with whom you want to build a shared lifetime and maybe a family, but it takes effort and some sacrifice. I simply cannot envisage the woman for whom I could find the will to do that again, now. And of course the lifetime remaining is much shorter, so the effort:reward ratio is less favourable.

So I love the idea in the abstract and I do still have the capacity to love women, in the abstract (@JustGeorge and some others know about my fondness for Charlotte the YouTuber, for example). But it's a bit like seeing a good VIII or a well-sculled single, down on the banks of the Thames. I appreciate the beauty of it and wish I could do it again, but reconcile myself to a knowledgable and experienced appreciation of it - from the bank!

 

[Trailblazer]

Yes, that's it: one would need to be in love, indeed.

Exactly, and that was my point. If I was in love with someone I would be willing to make the necessary sacrifices, and if he was in love with me he would be able to make the necessary sacrifices.

If I met that person I would know if I was in love with him. I believe love at first sight is possible since that is what I have experienced, but that does not mean I could not come to love a man over time. However, if I met someone I would know right away if it was not going to work because I would not have a physical attraction or an emotional connection with him. Love is a mutual attraction of hearts and that occurs on the emotional level, not on the intellectual level.

The advantage of the dating sites is that I can find out a lot about a man before I meet him, so after meeting him I think I would know. Before I knew they were con men, I kept telling these con men that I cannot say I love you because we have never even met, but they said they knew I was 'the one woman' for them and one man claimed to be in love with me. That should have been a dead giveaway but since I knew nothing about con men and I had never dated, I did not see it as bizarre at the time. Only in retrospect do I know what was going on, it was all an act to try to get my love and my money!

What I meant about the effort was not about doting on someone or gifts etc, but the negotiations involved in forging a common life together, the need to really learn the personality and tastes of your partner, the alertness to any sensitivities and the associated diplomacy in how you express yourself, and things of that sort. It is all done willingly when you marry a wonderful woman with whom you want to build a shared lifetime and maybe a family, but it takes effort and some sacrifice. I simply cannot envisage the woman for whom I could find the will to do that again, now. And of course the lifetime remaining is much shorter, so the effort:reward ratio is less favourable.

Exactly. If you love someone you would be willing to make adjustments for them. Maybe you cannot envision the woman for whom you could find the will to do that again now because you have not met that woman, and you don't even think it is possible to find her. I also don't think it is possible to find a man I will love, not without putting in some effort, and I have been willing to put in a little effort talking to men on dating sites because I am motivated, but that is because I believe that love is possible.

Incidentally, when I was young and I married for the first and only time, I did not have to make any of those adjustments, nor did my late husband, because we did not have a settled life that we were accustomed to and happy with. He was just been released from a psych hospital and I was just coming out of treatment for psychological problems, so we were neck in neck, and this is one thing we had in common and caused us to be attracted to each other. We had nothing of a lifestyle that we were attached to, we were both just trying to get our bearings. I was the stronger one so I was the one who led the way and kept the marriage going.

In general when people first marry if they are young, they don't have to make as many adjustments as older people, so there isn't that much to sacrifice. When I got married I only had two cats then so that was not something unusual, and he liked cats so that was a bonus for him. Now I have eight cats and most men would not want to live in a house with eight cats, unless they were a cat lover. I have only met one man on a dating site who is a cat lover and he had four cats. He did not cringe at having more, but unfortunately I lost track of him because he had a an operation and went in the hospital and was in a long recovery after that.

I am not greatly attached to my lifestyle, and in fact it had been problematic for some time. I am comfortable because I feel secure, but comfort is not happiness, and there are things I cannot do alone, things that would improve my life, things a man could help me with.

I have told men that only two things are not negotiable, my cats and my religion. A man would not have to help me with the cats or be of my religion but he would have to be amenable to my cats and not antagonistic towards my religion and have similar values. When I told con men this, before I knew they were con men, they always we could make that work, and love is all about sacrifice. That is true, but they were con men, not real men looking for love. At that time I had just gone on dating sites so I didn't know anything about con men. I just assumed people are honest since I am always honest. Now I know.

So I love the idea in the abstract and I do still have the capacity to love women, in the abstract (@JustGeorge and some others know about my fondness for Charlotte the YouTuber, for example). But it's a bit like seeing a good VIII or a well-sculled single, down on the banks of the Thames. I appreciate the beauty of it and wish I could do it again, but reconcile myself to a knowledgable and experienced appreciation of it - from the bank!

Well, I am the eternal optimist, probably because I have suffered so much in my life and overcome much adversity, especially during my marriage, so I believe that anything is possible. If I meet the right man and he feels the same way about me, everything will just fall into place. @JustGeorge and I were talking about this in a private conversation we have been having.

 

[exchemist]

Exactly, and that was my point. If I was in love with someone I would be willing to make the necessary sacrifices, and if he was in love with me he would be able to make the necessary sacrifices.

If I met that person I would know if I was in love with him. I believe love at first sight is possible since that is what I have experienced, but that does not mean I could not come to love a man over time. However, if I met someone I would know right away if it was not going to work because I would not have a physical attraction or an emotional connection with him.

The advantage of the dating sites is that I can find out a lot about a man before I meet him, so after meeting him I think I would know. Before I knew they were con men, I kept telling these con men that I cannot say I love you because we have never even met, but they said they knew I was 'the one woman' for them and one man claimed to be in love with me. That should have been a dead giveaway but since I knew nothing about con men and I had never dated, I did not see it as bizarre at the time. Only in retrospect do I know what was going on, it was all an act to try to get my love and my money!

Exactly. If you love someone you would be willing to make adjustments for them. Maybe you cannot envision the woman for whom you could find the will to do that again now because you have not met that woman, and you don't even think it is possible to find her. I also don't think it is possible to find a man I will love, not without putting in some effort, and I have been willing to put in a little effort talking to men on dating sites because I am motivated, but that is because I believe that love is possible.

Incidentally, when I was young and I married for the first and only time, I did not have to make any of those adjustments, nor did my late husband, because we did not have a settled life that we were accustomed to and happy with. He was just been released from a psych hospital and I was just coming out of treatment for psychological problems, so we were neck in neck, and this is one thing we had in common and caused us to be attracted to each other. We had nothing of a lifestyle that we were attached to, we were both just trying to get our bearings. I was the stronger one so I was the one who led the way and kept the marriage going.

In general when people first marry if they are young, they don't have to make as many adjustments as older people, so there isn't that much to sacrifice. When I got married I only had two cats then so that was not something unusual, and he liked cats so that was a bonus for him. Now I have eight cats and most men would not want to live in a house with eight cats, unless they were a cat lover. I have only met one man on a dating site who is a cat lover and he had four cats. He did not cringe at having more, but unfortunately I lost track of him because he had a an operation and went in the hospital and was in a long recovery after that.

I am not greatly attached to my lifestyle, and in fact it had been problematic for some time. I am comfortable because I feel secure, but comfort is not happiness, and there are things I cannot do alone, things that would improve my life, things a man could help me with.

I have told men that only two things are not negotiable, my cats and my religion. A man would not have to help me with the cats or be of my religion but he would have to be amenable to my cats and not antagonistic towards my religion and have similar values. When I told con men this, before I knew they were con men, they always we could make that work, and love is all about sacrifice. That is true, but they were con men, not real men looking for love. At that time I had just gone on dating sites so I didn't know anything about con men. I just assumed people are honest since I am always honest. Now I know.

Well, I am the eternal optimist, probably because I have suffered so much in my life and overcome much adversity, especially during my marriage, so I believe that anything is possible. If I meet the right man and he feels the same way about me, everything will just fall into place. @JustGeorge and I were talking about this in a private conversation we have been having.

Love is a mutual attraction of hearts and that occurs on the emotional level, not on the intellectual level.

Ah, your experience is very different from mine then. I married very late, when I was 47 and my wife was a few days short of 40, both of us with established professional careers (hers being more high-flying than mine). So we were merging two households and two established lifestyles. We just had time for one son - after serial miscarriages - before it was too late. He's now at university, so I'm now on my own in the house - hence spending probably more time on-line than is strictly good for me.

 

[Watchmen]

I’m not sure why this is limited to men. I think there are a lot of women that the OP applies to.

 

[Trailblazer]

Ah, your experience is very different from mine then. I married very late, when I was 47 and my wife was a few days short of 40, both of us with established professional careers (hers being more high-flying than mine). So we were merging two households and two established lifestyles. We just had time for one son - after serial miscarriages - before it was too late. He's now at university, so I'm now on my own in the house - hence spending probably more time on-line than is strictly good for me.

That is very much out of the norm, especially if that was your one and only marriage. You are fortunate to have had one son. I did not have any children, which I somewhat regret, although it was the right decision at the time.

I'm now on my own in the house - hence spending probably more time on-line than is strictly good for me.

 

[Trailblazer]

I’m not sure why this is limited to men. I think there are a lot of women that the OP applies to.

It is not limited to men. I think there are a lot of women that the OP applies to, but since I am a woman I posted the OP from a woman's perspective. I don't know what women want since I do not look at women's profiles on dating sites.

 

[exchemist]

That is very much out of the norm, especially if that was your one and only marriage. You are fortunate to have had one son. I did not have any children, which I somewhat regret, although it was the right decision at the time.

I'm now on my own in the house - hence spending probably more time on-line than is strictly good for me.

So we have that much common, at least.....

 

[Trailblazer]

So we have that much common, at least.....

We seem to have a lot in common. Too bad you live so far away......

 

[exchemist]

We seem to have a lot in common. Too bad you live so far away......

Oo, er, missus..................

 

[Stevicus]

I don’t know about younger men, but from looking at profiles of older men (age 60-75) on dating sites it seems like very few older men want to get married. They want a long-term relationship or casual intimacy with a woman. Why is that? I surmise it is because most men in this age bracket are divorced and they did not have a good marriage so they don’t want to remarry. However, a fair number of men in this age bracket are widowed and did have a good marriage.

Some men want to remarry, especially widowed men who were married a long time and had a good marriage, but it seems like most older men prefer a long-term relationship or casual intimacy to marriage. Why is that? Are they afraid if they get married their wife would tell them what to do? Are they afraid that they would have to share their financial assets with the woman they marry?

I think it varies with a lot of people. Many are marriage-minded, while many others are not. In my own case, I think my own parents' ugly divorce - and then my dad remarrying 10 years later, which was also a bit complicated - probably clouded my perspective on the whole institution of marriage.

Some men might also be put off by divorce rates and think "What's the point in making a commitment or getting married when there's a strong chance it could end badly?" I have a friend (who is Baha'i, btw) who recently got divorced. They were married for more than 25 years, seemingly happy and stable, when all of a sudden, his wife just up and wanted a divorce. No real explanation or any obvious reason; she was just unhappy and wanted out. Turned both of their lives upside down in the process. It got kind of ugly, too. He's an Army veteran and living on disability, yet she demanded alimony, while he refused to pay and ended up in jail for a few weeks. (He probably could have handled it better and probably should have gotten better legal representation.)

Things like that might give some men pause. Marriages can end on a whim by someone waking up one morning and deciding "I'm not happy." It's not really that men don't want to make a commitment, but it may not be all that much of a "commitment" if it can be so easily and casually discarded.

 

[Trailblazer]

I think it varies with a lot of people. Many are marriage-minded, while many others are not. In my own case, I think my own parents' ugly divorce - and then my dad remarrying 10 years later, which was also a bit complicated - probably clouded my perspective on the whole institution of marriage.

It seems like most men do get married at some point, but just as many or more get divorced, sometimes more than once. From what I have seen on dating sites there are not that many older men who have never been married. I decided to Google that and here is what I found.

What percentage of males never get married?

Before, 10 percent of men and 8 percent of women were never married, whereas now it's 23 percent men versus 17 percent women.Sep 24, 2014

Not Married? The Odds That You Never Will Be Are Higher Than Ever

Why do some men never get married?

Men Avoid Marriage Because It's Too Risky and Too Costly. Men are not marrying because, for many men, the rewards for getting married are far less than they used to be, while the cost and dangers of it are far higher. Divorce rates are sky-high: 45% of marriages end in divorce, and women initiate 80% of them.Nov 1, 2020

Millions Of Men No Longer Want To Get Married, And You Can Thank ...
https://www.eviemagazine.co

Some men might also be put off by divorce rates and think "What's the point in making a commitment or getting married when there's a strong chance it could end badly?"

Yes, that seems to be the case and men have even told me this is one reason they don't want to get married. Moreover, a man can lose a lot in a divorce if he has money and assets.

I have a friend (who is Baha'i, btw) who recently got divorced. They were married for more than 25 years, seemingly happy and stable, when all of a sudden, his wife just up and wanted a divorce. No real explanation or any obvious reason; she was just unhappy and wanted out. Turned both of their lives upside down in the process. It got kind of ugly, too. He's an Army veteran and living on disability, yet she demanded alimony, while he refused to pay and ended up in jail for a few weeks. (He probably could have handled it better and probably should have gotten better legal representation.)

I do not understand why the Baha'i divorce rate is as high as the general population, and it just shows that Baha'is are not following the teachings of the Baha'i Faith. The only legitimate reason for a divorce if one is a Baha'i is if they have an aversion for the spouse, and that means hate, not just that they are unhappy or their sex life is subpar. I was married for 37 years and I was unhappy a lot of the time but I did not even consider getting a divorce for that reason because I consider that selfish. I never had an aversion for my husband so I did not consider divorce.

I will never regret staying in the marriage because I know I followed my principles rather than acting on my feelings. There were many arguments we had when divorce was mentioned and my husband said I should divorce him and he would give me all the financial assets we have, all he wanted was enough to live on. That shows you what kind of person he was, he was unselfish. He just had many psychological problems which made the marriage difficult, since he could not do his part in the marriage, but I was willing to do more than my share and take care of everything he could not do. I resented that at the time but now I regret that because it caused a lot of disharmony.

Things like that might give some men pause. Marriages can end on a whim by someone waking up one morning and deciding "I'm not happy." It's not really that men don't want to make a commitment, but it may not be all that much of a "commitment" if it can be so easily and casually discarded.

That's very true. Marriages can end on a whim if people consider their personal happiness the most important thing in their life. I could never live that way. In fact, it is difficult for me to even think of what I might want in a marriage that might make me happy, other than what I did not have before, a handyman and a landscaper! If I did not have a big house and property, I would not even need a man.