My Gnosticism came in spats from when I was 18 to now, 30. For many reasons, I came into Gnosticism and out of Gnosticism. As a self-reflection exercise, I wanted to describe how and ultimately why I became a Gnostic. It may help others, or it may encourage others to post why they are Gnostics.
1. At 18, I wanted knowledge (and felt "power" from it). Instead, I was changed.
I remember sitting at home one summer, weeks before leaving my town to go to the city university, when I saw a hyperlink through Google for "Hidden Books of the Bible." I now know they were useless, but I gained my first experience of Gnosticism from that. I looked more into books like these and devoured them.
But I did it for the wrong reason, which is why it didn't stick. I thought I was special for knowing this. I thought I was a cut above the rest. I inflated my ego because I was not prepared for this. Quickly I went to other faiths and devoured their texts and beliefs, never settling on one faith more than another. Never staying long enough to really learn.
To this day, I still seek the mysteries. But I am not as ego-driven as I was when I was 18. But I don't think it was bad that I got interested in Gnosticism for the wrong reason, because it really did transform me. It reminds me of Valmiki, but the original version I heard was different. It may actually not be Valmiki, but someone else. As the story went, that I knew, a robber was set to rob a holy man, but the holy man told him that if he were to chant "Mara" over and over (Mara being, effectively, negative and evil) he would be rewarded with riches and power. Greedy, the robber chanted over and over but soon found he was not chanting "Mara" but instead "Rama." This chanting aligned the robber with the good, not the evil, and he redeemed himself.
So I went in looking for power for an inflating ego, and I left with humility.
2. I've had my own visions.
I've had three experiences with the divine. There may be other occurrences, but three of these were, without a doubt, visions. All happened while I was asleep. Some may discount that, but when else would we see it?
The first time was early, and was confusing. To an extent, it still is. I was in an ethereal setting of fog, but it was soft colors of yellows, oranges and light red. Before me, I saw Jesus standing, profile, but he was looking down at a kneeling figure. At once, I knew (and could see from) I was both people. I was being rebuked, but witnessing the rebuke, at the same time. The confusing thing, though, is that I was called "Matthew." No one in my family is named Matthew, so I don't know where that name came from.
I tried looking up the obvious, such as the Gospel of Matthew. I did not receive anything significant. If anything, I now dislike that Gospel above any of the others.
The second vision happened when I was in college for the second time. It was actually a descent to the afterlife. To make a long vision short, I went through the realm of life, death, and reached judgement but "was not ready" to go further.
The third vision is the most mundane but perhaps the most lasting on my subconscious. I have terrible teeth from years of poor dental hygiene. I developed an abscess and it caused me to lose sleep. Depraved, tired, in pain and exhausted, I sat up in bed and prayed out loud. "To any and all gods of the universe, please give me one good night of sleep. Come to me in a dream, let me know who you are, and I will be a priest to you forever and further your cause."
I did fall asleep, and woke up well rested. I wasn't healed, but I was better. In my dream, I saw Jesus, wrapped in brown, descending before me. After that, I went to a dentist, yes, but I looked up churches and eventually found one I wanted to try.
I loved it, and was confirmed Episcopalian. As I put more energy into the church, I found I conformed more with "orthodox" Christianity.
3. I received a "wake up call" that questioned everything, and it opened my eyes.
A couple years ago, my husband and I were robbed. Thankfully it wasn't too bad, but the kids who did it still got away with $4,000 worth of things. But one thing they stole that couldn't be bought was my optimism, my hope and my sense of safety. It was already a rough time for me, since I was coming down with an illness, but immediately after my father had to go to a hospital for a collapsed lung. I still wasn't recovered from the insecurity of the robbery, and now that.
For months, I was wracked with guilt. Obviously, I had done something wrong. For some reason, I was being punished. I didn't go to church during this time, but despite my attempts to help, no one reached out to me when I was missing (our congregation only had roughly 25 people, on a good day). When I did return once, people asked about me and wondered how I was, but it was casual - I didn't feel it was genuine.
I read Job, I read Carl Jung, and I tried to understand how God could have let this happen. On top of it, how could he allow these kids to sin, to punish me for some sin I hadn't known I committed. I inventoried every thought, action and spoken word but did not find anything that warranted this. At first, I tried to rationalize it - obviously, God was good and evil. I posted on here, the Seeker's subforum, and frangipani guided me here, where I have been since (and exclusively).
I realized that (probably) like Job, I didn't do anything. I didn't deserve what happened. Nor did anyone around me. I still kept my faith, but I started to get mad at the church culture that promoted the disgusting guilt that had washed over me. And the fact that the people, who were united to me through Christ, ignored me when I was obviously hurt the most made me question even more. I am sure they meant well, that they "didn't want to intrude," but any one of them could have called, could have written, or could have stopped over. During that moment, I needed someone to talk to, but no one asked to talk.
Now, I am in constant reflection, with reflection on that reflection. I am refining my views and beliefs, trying to make them sound both logically and spiritually. I want to commit and act on the promise I made to Jesus, who answered me when I was in my moment of pain.
Gnosticism answers my questions, validates my visions, and changed me in positive ways. Ultimately, that is why I am a Gnostic.
1. At 18, I wanted knowledge (and felt "power" from it). Instead, I was changed.
I remember sitting at home one summer, weeks before leaving my town to go to the city university, when I saw a hyperlink through Google for "Hidden Books of the Bible." I now know they were useless, but I gained my first experience of Gnosticism from that. I looked more into books like these and devoured them.
But I did it for the wrong reason, which is why it didn't stick. I thought I was special for knowing this. I thought I was a cut above the rest. I inflated my ego because I was not prepared for this. Quickly I went to other faiths and devoured their texts and beliefs, never settling on one faith more than another. Never staying long enough to really learn.
To this day, I still seek the mysteries. But I am not as ego-driven as I was when I was 18. But I don't think it was bad that I got interested in Gnosticism for the wrong reason, because it really did transform me. It reminds me of Valmiki, but the original version I heard was different. It may actually not be Valmiki, but someone else. As the story went, that I knew, a robber was set to rob a holy man, but the holy man told him that if he were to chant "Mara" over and over (Mara being, effectively, negative and evil) he would be rewarded with riches and power. Greedy, the robber chanted over and over but soon found he was not chanting "Mara" but instead "Rama." This chanting aligned the robber with the good, not the evil, and he redeemed himself.
So I went in looking for power for an inflating ego, and I left with humility.
2. I've had my own visions.
I've had three experiences with the divine. There may be other occurrences, but three of these were, without a doubt, visions. All happened while I was asleep. Some may discount that, but when else would we see it?
The first time was early, and was confusing. To an extent, it still is. I was in an ethereal setting of fog, but it was soft colors of yellows, oranges and light red. Before me, I saw Jesus standing, profile, but he was looking down at a kneeling figure. At once, I knew (and could see from) I was both people. I was being rebuked, but witnessing the rebuke, at the same time. The confusing thing, though, is that I was called "Matthew." No one in my family is named Matthew, so I don't know where that name came from.
I tried looking up the obvious, such as the Gospel of Matthew. I did not receive anything significant. If anything, I now dislike that Gospel above any of the others.
The second vision happened when I was in college for the second time. It was actually a descent to the afterlife. To make a long vision short, I went through the realm of life, death, and reached judgement but "was not ready" to go further.
The third vision is the most mundane but perhaps the most lasting on my subconscious. I have terrible teeth from years of poor dental hygiene. I developed an abscess and it caused me to lose sleep. Depraved, tired, in pain and exhausted, I sat up in bed and prayed out loud. "To any and all gods of the universe, please give me one good night of sleep. Come to me in a dream, let me know who you are, and I will be a priest to you forever and further your cause."
I did fall asleep, and woke up well rested. I wasn't healed, but I was better. In my dream, I saw Jesus, wrapped in brown, descending before me. After that, I went to a dentist, yes, but I looked up churches and eventually found one I wanted to try.
I loved it, and was confirmed Episcopalian. As I put more energy into the church, I found I conformed more with "orthodox" Christianity.
3. I received a "wake up call" that questioned everything, and it opened my eyes.
A couple years ago, my husband and I were robbed. Thankfully it wasn't too bad, but the kids who did it still got away with $4,000 worth of things. But one thing they stole that couldn't be bought was my optimism, my hope and my sense of safety. It was already a rough time for me, since I was coming down with an illness, but immediately after my father had to go to a hospital for a collapsed lung. I still wasn't recovered from the insecurity of the robbery, and now that.
For months, I was wracked with guilt. Obviously, I had done something wrong. For some reason, I was being punished. I didn't go to church during this time, but despite my attempts to help, no one reached out to me when I was missing (our congregation only had roughly 25 people, on a good day). When I did return once, people asked about me and wondered how I was, but it was casual - I didn't feel it was genuine.
I read Job, I read Carl Jung, and I tried to understand how God could have let this happen. On top of it, how could he allow these kids to sin, to punish me for some sin I hadn't known I committed. I inventoried every thought, action and spoken word but did not find anything that warranted this. At first, I tried to rationalize it - obviously, God was good and evil. I posted on here, the Seeker's subforum, and frangipani guided me here, where I have been since (and exclusively).
I realized that (probably) like Job, I didn't do anything. I didn't deserve what happened. Nor did anyone around me. I still kept my faith, but I started to get mad at the church culture that promoted the disgusting guilt that had washed over me. And the fact that the people, who were united to me through Christ, ignored me when I was obviously hurt the most made me question even more. I am sure they meant well, that they "didn't want to intrude," but any one of them could have called, could have written, or could have stopped over. During that moment, I needed someone to talk to, but no one asked to talk.
Now, I am in constant reflection, with reflection on that reflection. I am refining my views and beliefs, trying to make them sound both logically and spiritually. I want to commit and act on the promise I made to Jesus, who answered me when I was in my moment of pain.
Gnosticism answers my questions, validates my visions, and changed me in positive ways. Ultimately, that is why I am a Gnostic.
