Why "Tell All"?

[michel]

If you have an affair, and you get caught, why should you tell your partner all about it? Why "Tell All"? Who among us has a partner that will feel better knowing how many times we got oral sex from our mistress?

Thank goodness I have never been in the position of needing to.

Personally, I believe that shielding someone you Love by omitting some of your "deeds" (which could easily include infidelity) is on the road to "greyness". By greyness, I mean the area between black and white; personally, I hate the grey - because it has no boundaries, and is therefore tantamount to having, as King Henry 8th did - an "Elastic conscience"

 

[cardero]

I think that honesty does more for the soul than for the relationship. If anything, being honest will harm the trust you once had, although you may be simply revealing your relationship for what it is. I think what's more important is that you are loving your spouse as much as possible, whatever decision you make.

Are you loving them more by not telling them or by telling them? And what should you tell, ask the same question.

The honesty you can achieve can be good for the soul and the relationship if honesty is dealt before one commits to the deed. One of reasons a partner becomes disappointed is not necessarily the sexual act itself but the fact that the deed was kept from them. That is was done covertly, sometimes by sneaky means, sometimes with lying involved.

I understand that it is difficult to approach a partner before one decides to cheat but if one wants to talk about honesty, the best way to do it is before it happens.

I don’t make any guarantee that this spouse who is contemplating sex with another partner is going to experience less hurt or hard feelings or get in any less trouble by confessing their intentions before they happen but I do guarantee that you will definitely know where you stand with your partner after honestly discussing it.

 

[methylatedghosts]

Why tell all?

Because you don't know what else to do. And having been on the receiving end - you don't really know if you want to hear it or not.. looking for something that may make it justified, or that it just simply needs to be talked through. What else is there to do? In a relationship where so much is shared, to be suddenly hit by something like that, something needs to be said. What else is there to say?

 

[Troublemane]

Some people want to get caught, because what they are really acting out is the attention they got from parents when they were bad. They may even get upset if their spouse doesn't notice they're having an affair!

 

[Falvlun]

In practice -- in the real world -- yes.

I'm still unconvinced.

I would think the majority of people in the real world would prefer a) to know that their significant other were cheating on them and b) find out this fact from their significant other (rather than through a friend of a friend or a poorly timed answering machine message, etc.)

I don't think the solution to the problem lies in "holding your tongue" about cheating. The solution lies in chucking the shackles of unnatural monogamy, thereby making "cheating" an impossible act. Open and honest. Whether monogomous or not, I really don't see how a relationship can survive without these things.

 

[keithnurse]

Maybe some misguided attempt to regain trust?

Just how is Ms. Acme Latex supposed to trust you after this anyway?

So, it's better to cheat, then continue having sex with your wife and give her syphillis or chlamydia?

 

[Sunstone]

So, it's better to cheat, then continue having sex with your wife and give her syphillis or chlamydia?

False dichotomy

 

[keithnurse]

False dichotomy

If you cheat on your wife and then don't tell her, what are you going to do? you could act like nothing happened and continue having sex as usual. If you have a conscience and don't want to give her a disease you need to wear a condom or abstain from sex. If either of these is different from what is normal for the two of you, she is going to wonder what is happening. If she has a brain she suspect you are having an affair or if she is clueless she will just be hurt and confused. Either way it's not going to be pretty. I am just saying keeping you extracurricular activities to yourself can be complicated too.

 

[Alceste]

Ideally, if a guy doesn't think he's got it in him to be monogamous, I want to hear about it up front at the beginning of a relationship. I have zero tolerance for lying, and I make that pretty clear up front as well. Sleeping around is not necessarily a problem as long as I get to live by the same rules and everything is out in the open, but lying is a deal-breaker. And, yes, hiding the truth is lying in my book. Lying is for cowards, and I like a man with the integrity and courage to be himself, and share himself with me, warts and all. (Well, maybe he can keep the warts, especially if he's been sleeping around).

That said, I don't need to know any details apart from whether or not the indiscretion involved a hooker and / or a condom, for the sake of my own health, and I would also need to know who it was. Then, if I felt there had been any intentional misrepresentation at any point with regards to what type of relationship I'm in, he'd be out the door. * shrug *. Maybe that's not "better" for you, but it's surely better for me. As I learned after 4 tumultuous, confusing years with a cheating, lying fiance, life is too short for this ********.

Edit: Plus, I can smell a lie a mile away.