I can almost guess the answer to this question, but would you mind telling me what denomination of Christianity you were affiliated with?
Traditional protestant (Baptist, Wesleyan, and Lutheran), Non-denom (Calvary Chapel), and finally liturgical (Episcopal but leaning very heavily toward Orthodoxy which I studied fairly thoroughly as well). The latter was by far the most meaningful and certainly the best grounded in sound doctrine - provided that one takes the view that the Apostles and Church Fathers knew what they were talking about far better than the Calvary Chapel crowd is even capable of doing.
The thing that had bothered me during my 40+ years of Christian indoctrination was my inability to equate terms like "loving" or even "good" to the Judeo-Christian God but I had been told from day 1 that everything about the Christian faith is 100% true. I was afraid of God like you wouldn't believe - but somehow it wasn't the beginning of wisdom for me. It wasn't until I absented myself from church altogether for more than a year and started from square 1 that I discovered that square 1 didn't even exist. I talked with every Christian I know, most of whom are way smarter than I am, and not one of them was able to satisfactorily explain how it was even possible for square 1 to be either real or true in any sense. I tried to see the rest of the faith without square 1 and even those people who could not explain it to me admitted that without it the faith is meaningless.
It was a very difficult time, this. I was miserable for several months. If I had been a heroin addict going through rehab, I don't think I could have been more miserable. What made it worse was that my wife was extremely religious and I was not about to discuss this with her mainly because if I discovered later that I was wrong then I would have dragged her through misery needlessly. I rejected the entire thing and almost immediately I noticed a huge change in me. Whereas before I would look at the world and think how fortunate I was that I was going to one day escape from it and go to a better place, I began to look at the world and realize what a phenomenal place it is. I came to love and appreciate things that before were merely part of that which is “passing away.” But more importantly, I was able to look at people who I had been disliking a great deal and realize that the reason I didn’t like them was because they did not meet some standard that I held them to. When I came to understand the simple reality that people are biological creatures with certain natural traits and tendencies and that this is not reason for a deity of any sort to assign them to eternal damnation, I was able to honestly accept them for who they are. This hit very close to home for me and affected a very close personal relationship.
The reason I was never able to reconcile the terms "loving" or even "good" to the Judeo-Christian God is not because of some fallen nature syndrome on my part but because there is literally nothing loving or good about him. It’s not that I don’t believe in God. It’s simply that I believe that God is love and the he is good and therefore cannot be the God described in the Bible. That is to say, I believe that God is better than Christians have made him out to be.
It was perhaps three months after I came to rest and peace in my heart about all this that I explained it all to my wife who took it with incredible composure. A couple months later she told me, “You know, if the God of the Bible is real then we’re all screwed no matter what we believe.” And she’s right.
I am not an atheist. I am simply an a-religionist. I cannot describe to you the freedom of it.