Abuse in "Christian" Marriages

[CLee421]

Sorry if this thread doesn't belong in this area - I couldn't really see anywhere else it would fit.

I was married for 4 years - I thought he was a believer - he turned out to be manipulative, emotionally abusive and in the final year, physically abusive.

We had a daughter together. As a believer in Christ I did not want to divorce. I prayed he would change. I hardened myself to his behavior thinking I could help him. He supposedly had a very troubled past so I said "that's why he's like this, you can help him get better" but it did not get better. It got worse.

It took opening up to my best friend after years of hiding it, to realize what I was doing was wrong. Allowing it. Allowing our daughter to think that was okay.

God also released me from my "desire" for my ex in a moment of prayer. All the weight of all I experienced, felt, longed for, was removed. Then I was able to begin moving forward with a clear mind.

I ended it last year but that didn't end the turmoil. Just the direct abuse. Now I'm "unsaved" according to him. Adulteress. Liar. Unfit mother.

Yet - I have still encountered Christians who say I should've stayed. Divorce is never okay. I want to start this thread to get opinions, see if anyone went through or is going through something similar, and make this okay to talk about here.

I guess the Q&A part would be - what are your thoughts on this? Thanks.

 

[Sunstone]

I'm not a Christian but I've been in an abusive marriage and my heart goes out to you. They are never easy to leave, in ways that most people just don't understand -- unless you leave early, before the abuser fully has his or her hooks planted in you.

Having said that, I have never seen much evidence in my life that Christians are any more or less likely to be abusive than other folks.

 

[Spiderman]

I don't know you Clee... I think I just noticed you today...

I don't know what to say, but you are very likeable, in my opinion, from what I know ...stay strong!

Keep praying for discernment to never wind up deceived into another abusive marriage...

I'd rather die...it sounds very sad!

 

[CLee421]

I'm not a Christian but I've been in an abusive marriage and my heart goes out to you. They are never easy to leave, in ways that most people just don't understand -- unless you leave early, before the abuser fully has his or her hooks planted in you.

Having said that, I have never seen much evidence in my life that Christians are any more or less likely to be abusive than other folks.

Right. I'm sure they are not more or less inclined. If anything MAYBE less - but then you have to factor in are they TRULY born again Christians? We can't know. Not statistically.

The Christian aspect really comes into play because - we are mostly told "divorce is bad, mmkay" ... and I've literally been told by another believer I shouldn't have left. Should have just separated and tried to wait and pray.

I offered separation - if he got help. He retorted "I DONT NEED HELP YOU NEED HELP" and having just recently been thrown into a concrete floor, injuring my back, and my at the time 3 year old was exhibiting behavior/anger issues, I let God put to rest my reservations about divorce.

Marriage in Christianity is a spiritual union not just physical. The paper signed by a judge isn't what deems you married but it's following the law of the land. If it's a spiritual issue, he already "put me away" (abandonment - emotionally and I suppose physically) with his actions. He divorced me in his heart. He also committed adultery of the heart (looking with lust, porn etc) so technically the biblical grounds for divorce for me were there. But not every alleged Christian would agree with me.

Then it says "what God has joined together let no one separate" ... sounds like a prescription but I realized that I believe it to be descriptive. If God indeed joined people together, He would NOT allow them to be cut apart.

Sorry if I'm wordy. This issue is huge for me.

 

[CLee421]

I don't know you Clee... I think I just noticed you today...

I don't know what to say, but you are very likeable, in my opinion...stay strong!

Keep praying for discernment to never wind up deceived into another abusive marriage...

I'd rather die...it sounds very sad!

Thank you. I will say, I grew a LOT spiritually in the torment. I am thankful for that. God was all I had. I can't describe how painful life was. How much I cried. But I had a little baby girl ... if it wasn't for her I would not have been able to endure, perhaps not able to leave, either.

 

[CLee421]

And today has been my first active day since joining I'm the top poster for today been a while since I've done the forum thing.

 

[Subduction Zone]

Sorry to hear about your marriage. And of course your husband is wrong. The person that initiates physical abuse is always wrong. Mental abuse can be very hard to stand, but even if that was the case (and I doubt that you are guilty of even that), that is no excuse to get violent.

And since I missed it, welcome to the forum.

 

[CLee421]

Sorry to hear about your marriage. And of course your husband is wrong. The person that initiates physical abuse is always wrong. Mental abuse can be very hard to stand, but even if that was the case (and I doubt that you are guilty of even that), that is no excuse to get violent.

And since I missed it, welcome to the forum.

Thank you.
I am still affected by it. He definitely had me thinking I was the cause of his actions. Narcissistic abusers are pros at that. But no. I tried all I could to make him happy.

I got full custody of our daughter. He only gets to see her on weekends sometimes. He's trying to manipulate her as well. Can only show her how people should act, and hope she sees the truth someday.

 

[Subduction Zone]

Thank you.
I am still affected by it. He definitely had me thinking I was the cause of his actions. Narcissistic abusers are pros at that. But no. I tried all I could to make him happy.

I got full custody of our daughter. He only gets to see her on weekends sometimes. He's trying to manipulate her as well. Can only show her how people should act, and hope she sees the truth someday.

I would not worry too much. Kids aren't stupid.

 

[CLee421]

I would not worry too much. Kids aren't stupid.

Heh. I know. But there are things we go through and she repeats from him that make it hard. To see my little girl have a lot of her innocence taken - it's been rough. But overall I have hope.

 

[Subduction Zone]

Heh. I know. But there are things we go through and she repeats from him that make it hard. To see my little girl have a lot of her innocence taken - it's been rough. But overall I have hope.

She is a victim of this too. You might want to consider talking to a mental health professional. He or she may even recommend a legal solution.

 

[CLee421]

She is a victim of this too. You might want to consider talking to a mental health professional. He or she may even recommend a legal solution.

I have considered it. I get free counseling through my job. I just have to make the call. I probably will this week.

 

[Spiderman]

Thank you. I will say, I grew a LOT spiritually in the torment. I am thankful for that. God was all I had. I can't describe how painful life was. How much I cried. But I had a little baby girl ... if it wasn't for her I would not have been able to endure, perhaps not able to leave, either.

I admire your profile posts, to see that coming from a woman who endures the martydom of pregnancy, the pains of childbirth, and then the sacrifice of a crying, needy baby...

I can't imagine! I used to be very pro-life, but saw so much suffering, and so many people who would be better off aborted...and I want the easy way out, an early death, in a state of grace.

Then I see so many single mothers and young women who get pregnant and the male leaves them, and it is just too heartbreaking...so abortion seems like a necessary evil

Marriage often sounds like hell...then raising children sounds like hell...but im glad your daughter is such a blessing!

Keep the faith!

God is the only hope for some of us.

Im one of the few white guys in a ghetto, but I go walking out late at night not caring if I get mugged or shot...ive been beat up and stabbed, broke multiple bones and had many injuries that will never heal...im ready to meet my maker...

Certain suffering can bring us closer to God, that is for sure.

This world is full of crosses and is not our home.

Death is inevitable. So, should not be despised or feared.

Your husband may be a tortured miserable soul. Pity him! Pray for him. As Christ said about those who crucified him, "father forgive them, for they know not what they do."

And we are supposed to love our enemies. With his grace, that is possible.

 

[Subduction Zone]

I have considered it. I get free counseling through my job. I just have to make the call. I probably will this week.

That would be wise. Going to one does not mean that you are mentally ill or weak. You will be going through pain in this breakup and they can help with that.

 

[CLee421]

EX HUSBAND! Hehe.

I won't start in on abortion here. There's another active thread on that I contributed to today. No evil is necessary. Only allowed by God for a time. But all will be judged.

Can only hope for salvation for those we know, or those we don't. I can't believe I have that salvation... but I do.

I'm far from the mother I want to be but those close to me remind me I'm still healing.

Yes. Love our enemies. I learned from being married to him, that any type of "fighting back" made it worse. Loving him, may be hard, and may not even produce results I can see, but I know I must.

I believe it will get better one day. But I felt it an important topic to open up on here.

 

[InChrist]

Sorry if this thread doesn't belong in this area - I couldn't really see anywhere else it would fit.

I was married for 4 years - I thought he was a believer - he turned out to be manipulative, emotionally abusive and in the final year, physically abusive.

We had a daughter together. As a believer in Christ I did not want to divorce. I prayed he would change. I hardened myself to his behavior thinking I could help him. He supposedly had a very troubled past so I said "that's why he's like this, you can help him get better" but it did not get better. It got worse.

It took opening up to my best friend after years of hiding it, to realize what I was doing was wrong. Allowing it. Allowing our daughter to think that was okay.

God also released me from my "desire" for my ex in a moment of prayer. All the weight of all I experienced, felt, longed for, was removed. Then I was able to begin moving forward with a clear mind.

I ended it last year but that didn't end the turmoil. Just the direct abuse. Now I'm "unsaved" according to him. Adulteress. Liar. Unfit mother.

Yet - I have still encountered Christians who say I should've stayed. Divorce is never okay. I want to start this thread to get opinions, see if anyone went through or is going through something similar, and make this okay to talk about here.

I guess the Q&A part would be - what are your thoughts on this? Thanks.

I am so sorry to hear of the abusive situation you've experienced. I am not in this kind of situation now, but was years ago before I was a Christian. I experienced physical abuse. Recently, I have seen a friend go through tremendous abuse at the hands of her "Christian" husband. This has caused me to delve into the subject and I've spent hours doing research over the last three years. I have come to the conclusion that in the case of abuse divorce is acceptable to God because the abuser has broken the marriage covenant. I am so glad you are free from an abusive environment, which is not a real marriage in God's eyes. I think you are a courageous mother, too.

Below are some articles and ministry websites which I think address this issue well.
The one flesh covenant and divorce. In domestic abuse, divorce is NOT the worse possible outcome

Abuse and Marriage: Christ is Greater Than Matrimony

Unholy Charade by Crippen, Jeff & Davis, Rebecca | CVBBS - Christian Books, Reformed Books, Bibles, and Christian Literature

5 Things You Need to Know before You Say 'God Hates Divorce'

 

[CLee421]

Thank you so very much. Good resources are hard to find on this topic.

 

[CLee421]

I just want to be able to help others if I can. Let them know God Durant want that. I fully believe Ge CAN change people. But Ge does not .. just .. change them. They must surrender. The fine line between trying to save a marriage vs. realizing it's already over (or never existed) can be a hard line to see.

 

[David1967]

Sorry if this thread doesn't belong in this area - I couldn't really see anywhere else it would fit.

I was married for 4 years - I thought he was a believer - he turned out to be manipulative, emotionally abusive and in the final year, physically abusive.

We had a daughter together. As a believer in Christ I did not want to divorce. I prayed he would change. I hardened myself to his behavior thinking I could help him. He supposedly had a very troubled past so I said "that's why he's like this, you can help him get better" but it did not get better. It got worse.

It took opening up to my best friend after years of hiding it, to realize what I was doing was wrong. Allowing it. Allowing our daughter to think that was okay.

God also released me from my "desire" for my ex in a moment of prayer. All the weight of all I experienced, felt, longed for, was removed. Then I was able to begin moving forward with a clear mind.

I ended it last year but that didn't end the turmoil. Just the direct abuse. Now I'm "unsaved" according to him. Adulteress. Liar. Unfit mother.

Yet - I have still encountered Christians who say I should've stayed. Divorce is never okay. I want to start this thread to get opinions, see if anyone went through or is going through something similar, and make this okay to talk about here.

I guess the Q&A part would be - what are your thoughts on this? Thanks.

No one is obligated to live a life being abused. Having a child in the mix makes it even worse. I don't believe for a minute that God would want you and your child to remain in that situation. I wish you all the best moving forward.

 

[InChrist]

Thank you so very much. Good resources are hard to find on this topic.

Yes, it is hard to find good resources. I have found some excellent ones, though. Here are a couple more. The online sermons by Jeff Crippen who has A Cry for Justice ministry are such an eye opener into the evil nature of the narcissist abuser, especially one who wears the mask of a "Christian".

Christ Reformation Church

About -