Abuse in "Christian" Marriages

[Sunstone]

Sorry if I'm wordy. This issue is huge for me.

Thank goodness I'm not!

That's a joke. I write the second longest posts on the forum.

 

[Sunstone]

... and I've literally been told by another believer I shouldn't have left.

Ouch! Had you stayed, think of how your daughter would have turned out -- with a man like that as a role model for her!

I just love it when folks offer advice as if you've got to take it, even though they will never be able to suffer on your behalf when it goes wrong.

 

[Spiderman]

I'm not a Christian but I've been in an abusive marriage and my heart goes out to you. They are never easy to leave, in ways that most people just don't understand -- unless you leave early, before the abuser fully has his or her hooks planted in you.

Having said that, I have never seen much evidence in my life that Christians are any more or less likely to be abusive than other folks.

Care to share any details about her abuse?

If you don't feel like sharing, please don't, but I didn't think it would hurt to ask

 

[CLee421]

Ouch! Had you stayed, think of how your daughter would have turned out -- with a man like that as a role model for her!

I just love it when folks offer advice as if you've got to take it, even though they will never be able to suffer on your behalf when it goes wrong.

I know. And he's still "around" ... just have to do my best with other influences with her.

And yes. Hard to imagine telling someone to stay in abuse. Yet, people do.

 

[Spiderman]

Care to share any details about her abuse?

If you don't feel like sharing, please don't, but I didn't think it would hurt to ask

I just don't hear men talk about getting abused by women much...my brother had an abusive wife...she attacked me once, punched me, pulled my hair, threw her watch at me, all cuz I called her a b****

 

[ADigitalArtist]

I'm glad you got out of there. Sincerely and truly. There is no moral or ethical reason to keep yourself and your daughter in harm's way. Violating the body or the mind with abuse is violating the marriage/commitment/trust contract and already rendering it void in my book.

 

[Ishmael]

IF "all things are lawful, but not ALL expedient" (1 Corinthians 10:23 "Everything is permissible," but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible," but not everything is edifying.) then may it be that some UNLAWFUL things ARE expedient?

Showing love for an enemy does not necessarily mean you allow that enemy to KILL you, but it might in certain persecuting situations which would be to the honor of God, as many a humble Christian martyr may be able to attest; STILL The Word does declare, "For I have come to turn ‘A man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. A man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’ Anyone who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me;" (Matthew 10:36 A man's enemies will be the members of his own household.')

NOT as a way of excuse, but I would say your experience is but another "SIGN of the Times" as described by Timothy:

2 Timothy 3:2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,

Have no fear sister for "All have sinned and fallen short."

Grace is sufficient.

Hope still lives.

Love abides.

Peace be unto you, even unto the end.

 

[Dawnofhope]

Sorry if this thread doesn't belong in this area - I couldn't really see anywhere else it would fit.

I was married for 4 years - I thought he was a believer - he turned out to be manipulative, emotionally abusive and in the final year, physically abusive.

We had a daughter together. As a believer in Christ I did not want to divorce. I prayed he would change. I hardened myself to his behavior thinking I could help him. He supposedly had a very troubled past so I said "that's why he's like this, you can help him get better" but it did not get better. It got worse.

It took opening up to my best friend after years of hiding it, to realize what I was doing was wrong. Allowing it. Allowing our daughter to think that was okay.

God also released me from my "desire" for my ex in a moment of prayer. All the weight of all I experienced, felt, longed for, was removed. Then I was able to begin moving forward with a clear mind.

I ended it last year but that didn't end the turmoil. Just the direct abuse. Now I'm "unsaved" according to him. Adulteress. Liar. Unfit mother.

Yet - I have still encountered Christians who say I should've stayed. Divorce is never okay. I want to start this thread to get opinions, see if anyone went through or is going through something similar, and make this okay to talk about here.

I guess the Q&A part would be - what are your thoughts on this? Thanks.

Hi Clee,

Sounds like you are well on the way to recovery and finding the strength and wisdom to get make it through.

My sister went through a tough time for many years where she just seemed to be attracted to the wrong kind of men that were physically attractively but prone to being controlling and violent. She was a Christian and felt compelled to stay in the relationship for the sake of the family and felt it was what God wanted for her. Unfortunately the guy nearly killed her and still she took him back. Eventually she woke up and 'smelt the coffee' as she put it.

She then had a couple of years without being in any relationship. The time of reflection helped her break the cycle. She's been happily married for nearly 15 years to a man who treats her right. She went on to to become a school teacher and her children are now grown up.

Thanks for sharing and welcome to RF.

Best Wishes
Adrian

 

[Hockeycowboy]

First of all, I’m sorry you experienced such abuse, it’s quite commonplace today. But I think you answered the question subconsciously :

I was married for 4 years - I thought he was a believer

You are saying he was / is not a believer, ie., a Christian. And you’re right, he wasn’t, isn't.

Now, as Christians we’re all sometimes gonna fail and make mistakes, but that’s totally different from getting into a habit, and practicing, a course hurtful to others.

Christianity is like a club, Jesus’ club. Many clubs, in order to join, have fees the members have to pay. If you don’t pay your dues, you’re ejected. Sounds fair to me.

Christianity’s “fee” is to love God and His Son, and each other....making it a habit (John 13:34-35). Oh, we can fail from time to time and say or act hurtful. But if we make a practice of hurting others, Jesus will eject us! - Matthew 7:21-23

I hope you find peace.

(Did I make any sense? It’s late, goodnight!)

 

[Shiranui117]

Sorry if this thread doesn't belong in this area - I couldn't really see anywhere else it would fit.

I was married for 4 years - I thought he was a believer - he turned out to be manipulative, emotionally abusive and in the final year, physically abusive.

We had a daughter together. As a believer in Christ I did not want to divorce. I prayed he would change. I hardened myself to his behavior thinking I could help him. He supposedly had a very troubled past so I said "that's why he's like this, you can help him get better" but it did not get better. It got worse.

It took opening up to my best friend after years of hiding it, to realize what I was doing was wrong. Allowing it. Allowing our daughter to think that was okay.

God also released me from my "desire" for my ex in a moment of prayer. All the weight of all I experienced, felt, longed for, was removed. Then I was able to begin moving forward with a clear mind.

I ended it last year but that didn't end the turmoil. Just the direct abuse. Now I'm "unsaved" according to him. Adulteress. Liar. Unfit mother.

Yet - I have still encountered Christians who say I should've stayed. Divorce is never okay. I want to start this thread to get opinions, see if anyone went through or is going through something similar, and make this okay to talk about here.

I guess the Q&A part would be - what are your thoughts on this? Thanks.

At least in my church, suffering emotional and physical abuse for years on end is absolutely grounds for a divorce. If anything, your husband would experience the far greater consequences than you, because it's his fault the marriage fell apart. He would almost certainly be forbidden from ever marrying again.

 

[CLee421]

Thank you guys. I'm doing okay I'm more concerned with someone going through this or believers perpetuating the idea abuse should be tolerated.

Obviously God could change someone but not out of nowhere against the will of the abuser. At what point does one decide waiting and prayer must change to escaping for you or children's sakes..? The point will be different for everyone. But like with me it wasn't until I talked about it that my wheels began turning.

 

[BilliardsBall]

I'm sorry for your hurts. I recommend this book written by someone who walked through the same thing, and in spades:

https://www.amazon.com/Dear-Younger-Me-Victim-Victor/dp/1987560418

 

[Mox]

I guess the Q&A part would be - what are your thoughts on this? Thanks.

My thoughts are that you did your self a favour. Yes marriages take work however it takes two to work at a viable relationship, so when one person is consistently abusive and merely exploits the other, then that isnt a marriage, that's a prisoner/captor relationship.

You should never live your life for others, and most certainly not for people who think they are speaking from some lofty moral pedestal.

 

[Susan Maneck]

Right. I'm sure they are not more or less inclined. If anything MAYBE less - but then you have to factor in are they TRULY born again Christians? We can't know. Not statistically.
.

I think it may be higher among born-again Christians than main stream, mostly because of a theology which encourages "submission" on the part of women. How our theological narratives can reinforce abuse

 

[nPeace]

Sorry if this thread doesn't belong in this area - I couldn't really see anywhere else it would fit.

I was married for 4 years - I thought he was a believer - he turned out to be manipulative, emotionally abusive and in the final year, physically abusive.

We had a daughter together. As a believer in Christ I did not want to divorce. I prayed he would change. I hardened myself to his behavior thinking I could help him. He supposedly had a very troubled past so I said "that's why he's like this, you can help him get better" but it did not get better. It got worse.

It took opening up to my best friend after years of hiding it, to realize what I was doing was wrong. Allowing it. Allowing our daughter to think that was okay.

God also released me from my "desire" for my ex in a moment of prayer. All the weight of all I experienced, felt, longed for, was removed. Then I was able to begin moving forward with a clear mind.

I ended it last year but that didn't end the turmoil. Just the direct abuse. Now I'm "unsaved" according to him. Adulteress. Liar. Unfit mother.

Yet - I have still encountered Christians who say I should've stayed. Divorce is never okay. I want to start this thread to get opinions, see if anyone went through or is going through something similar, and make this okay to talk about here.

I guess the Q&A part would be - what are your thoughts on this? Thanks.

Sorry to hear of your terrible experience.
I guess you already know what Jesus said about divorce, and the only grounds for it, so there is no need for me to repeat it.

I know of a Christian couple that separated, and got divorced, but now they are back together, and continuing in worship together.
I am not encouraging that you get back in a relationship with an abusive husband, but there are questions you can ask, and seek God's help in answering them.

If your former husband has contact with your daughter, you probably have some contact too, so you could ask yourself, 'Is there any kind of regret or remorse for what he has done? Does he seem to be making any effort to change or get help to change, or does he think his behavior is justified?'

Questions like that. based on what you analyze - with your mind, and not your heart - if the answers are positive, I don't see anything wrong with talking to each other, just as two persons would talk.

Of course, I am talking about in public. When in private, emotions tend to get in the way. So there is a need to be in control of your emotions, so as not to make any decision you regret, or be hasty.

After some time, you may find that you two may be getting along as friends, and given time you will get to know if he is the same person he was before.

The account of Joseph is a good example, of how to determine if a person is remorseful. It helps in us being able to forgive, so we can move along, and kind word do heal hearts.
That's my view on it, but i am no expert.
God is. So seek hos help always.

 

[Revoltingest]

Divorce is never okay.

I've heard this before. A friend is a devout Christian who says he'd never marry a
divorced woman. I don't recall his Biblical basis for seeing them as unfit & off limits,
but I say your experience shows him to be utterly wrong. Sometimes divorce is best
for all concerned, especially you & your child.
Congrats!

 

[CLee421]

Sorry to hear of your terrible experience.
I guess you already know what Jesus said about divorce, and the only grounds for it, so there is no need for me to repeat it.

I know of a Christian couple that separated, and got divorced, but now they are back together, and continuing in worship together.
I am not encouraging that you get back in a relationship with an abusive husband, but there are questions you can ask, and seek God's help in answering them.

If your former husband has contact with your daughter, you probably have some contact too, so you could ask yourself, 'Is there any kind of regret or remorse for what he has done? Does he seem to be making any effort to change or get help to change, or does he think his behavior is justified?'

Questions like that. based on what you analyze - with your mind, and not your heart - if the answers are positive, I don't see anything wrong with talking to each other, just as two persons would talk.

Of course, I am talking about in public. When in private, emotions tend to get in the way. So there is a need to be in control of your emotions, so as not to make any decision you regret, or be hasty.

After some time, you may find that you two may be getting along as friends, and given time you will get to know if he is the same person he was before.

The account of Joseph is a good example, of how to determine if a person is remorseful. It helps in us being able to forgive, so we can move along, and kind word do heal hearts.
That's my view on it, but i am no expert.
God is. So seek hos help always.

Given the fact he was trying to tell our 4 year old (she just turned 5 last Friday) that I was going to hell, not a Christian etc etc ... blamed me while also saying he was sorry .. I would say he shouldn't be with anyone. He has serious issues.

He used to accuse me of being influenced by demons. When I mentioned this to a pastor and a counselor they said that was also "spiritual abuse" ...

That pastor also said he had abandoned me in action. Just because he was still residing in the house did not mean I had not been abandoned emotionally (physically too really - he forced me out of our bedroom often. I slept on our daughter's floor)

 

[james blunt]

Given the fact he was trying to tell our 4 year old (she just turned 5 last Friday) that I was going to hell

I have read your posts in this thread and to be honest it seems to me that you want confirmation of something . Now I know you probably won't like this and this is in no way intended to call you a liar, but in reality we on here only have your word to go off and only your version of events.
That said, I am not heartless I feel for you if you were in such a position. However my senses are telling me you are looking for confirmation of whether or not you should stop the father seeing the child altogether . May I remind you the child is not a weapon to seek revenge and hurt your ex husband back.
Please just ask yourself this, if you and your ex husband stood before God in judgement , would you be 100% good or would a percentage of that be bad when considering any part you may have played in your relationship failure?

 

[CLee421]

I have read your posts in this thread and to be honest it seems to me that you want confirmation of something . Now I know you probably won't like this and this is in no way intended to call you a liar, but in reality we on here only have your word to go off and only your version of events.
That said, I am not heartless I feel for you if you were in such a position. However my senses are telling me you are looking for confirmation of whether or not you should stop the father seeing the child altogether . May I remind you the child is not a weapon to seek revenge and hurt your ex husband back.
Please just ask yourself this, if you and your ex husband stood before God in judgement , would you be 100% good or would a percentage of that be bad when considering any part you may have played in your relationship failure?

Okay. You are incorrect. I chose to allow him to see her even though I could have fought more. I've said a few times, I'm okay now. This ended over a year ago. I'm concerned for anyone else that might advise people to stay in this blindly or - for someone that might be going through it.

I am not 100% good. I never said I was. No one is. But I can honestly say I was not provocative in that marriage. I was either scared or heartbroken but always trying to make him happy. Praying. If I did something wrong to him God will I guess have to reveal that to me in heaven. I was trapped and I felt (was) terrorized.

 

[CLee421]

He is the one trying to use her against me by telling her things no 5 year old should have to hear. Never - would I ever - USE my child. So I just deal with what he says and don't talk bad about him and hope she sees the truth someday.