Asking for advice with a difficult situation

[The Hammer]

Her love for her sister was obviously more important to her than saving me from her sister abusing me for 13 1/2 years.

In her eyes, she was "saving you" from CPS. But you have every right to be angry. I would be too.

My wife went through very similar, with foster care, and then going to an abusive home.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I've always found music as great therapy. I put on my headphones and start rocking to my favorite tunes. Even as a kid, it was my main escape and a form of solace.

That's why I love The Beatles so much, even to this day. I would listen to their music as a means of escape, and they will always hold a very special place in my heart because their music helped me survive the living hell I was trapped in. I'll always be grateful to them.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

In her eyes, she was "saving you" from CPS. But you have every right to be angry. I would be too.

My wife went through very similar, with foster care, and then going to an abusive home.

You're damn right, I'm angry. I feel deeply betrayed by my extended family.

And I'm truly sorry to hear that about your wife's situation. I can sympathize.

 

[Subduction Zone]

The answer to both questions is no. My mother wouldn't admit that she abused me even if her life depended on it. My dad wouldn't either. My mom used to tell me when I was a child that I was a bad seed and that not even my real mother wanted me. My biological mother abandoned me when I was 3 1/2 years old. She left me at a friend's house and never came back. Her mother was the person who called CPS and then put me into foster care after that. My adopted mother would tell me I should be grateful that she puts up with me because no one else wants me. I was absolutely terrified of being abandoned while I was growing up. I still have to fight that fear to this day. My extended family has only made excuses for why they never helped me and none of them have ever apologized.

Then if you forgive your family all you will get is more abuse.

You could tell your mother in no uncertain terms that she did abuse you. You could tell your relatives how they enabled your mothers abuse. I don't expect all of your relatives to get help, but if your mother doesn't get professional counseling then you are in for only more hurt. This time it will be various sorts of verbal abuse if you go back to them. If they make a real honest effort to reform I could see considering forgiving them. But if they can't see that beating a child is wrong then I am sad to say that there is no hope.

 

[Sand Dancer]

The answer to both questions is no. My mother wouldn't admit that she abused me even if her life depended on it. My dad wouldn't either. My mom used to tell me when I was a child that I was a bad seed and that not even my real mother wanted me. My biological mother abandoned me when I was 3 1/2 years old. She left me at a friend's house and never came back. Her mother was the person who called CPS and then put me into foster care after that. My adopted mother would tell me I should be grateful that she puts up with me because no one else wants me. I was absolutely terrified of being abandoned while I was growing up. I still have to fight that fear to this day. My extended family has only made excuses for why they never helped me and none of them have ever apologized.

Oh my gosh, where are the people who actually function as adults in that family? What a horrible bunch of people to do that to a tiny child! I am glad that current adoptions scrutinize adoptive parents and hopefully keep this stuff from happening. I am so sorry. If you have any questions to ask them, ask, but those folks do not deserve a second of your time.

 

[The Hammer]

You're damn right, I'm angry. I feel deeply betrayed by my extended family. And I'm truly sorry to hear that about your wife.

It's good to feel what we feel about things. We need to process them in our own ways. But I caution holding on to anger. It's best to find a way to release it (healthily).

 

[Stevicus]

That's why I love The Beatles so much, even to this day. I would listen to their music as a means of escape, and they will always hold a very special place in my heart because their music helped me survive the living hell I was trapped in. I'll always be grateful to them.

I love the Beatles, too, along with many other bands. I also really got into the Who, especially their rock operas Tommy and Quadrophenia. I was also a bit of a headbanger.

 

[Revoltingest]

I can't overlook the fact that my extended family knew I was being abused and they still decided to leave me in an abusive home. I also can't overlook the fact that my aunt didn't report my mom to the police or to CPS because she didn't want to betray her sister.

Perhaps they worried that placing you elsewhere
would be worse. With these people, that would
be something to discuss.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

Then if you forgive your family all you will get is more abuse.

You could tell your mother in no uncertain terms that she did abuse you. You could tell your relatives how they enabled your mothers abuse. I don't expect all of your relatives to get help, but if your mother doesn't get professional counseling then you are in for only more hurt. This time it will be various sorts of verbal abuse if you go back to them. If they make a real honest effort to reform I could see considering forgiving them. But if they can't see that beating a child is wrong then I am sad to say that there is no hope.

My mom hasn't laid a hand on me since I was 18. She truly was scared when I physically confronted my adopted brother after he hit me when I walked by him. He was sitting on the back of the couch when he hit me. I turned around and pushed him off the back of the couch with every ounce of strength I had in me. He hit the floor with a loud thump. He sat on the floor for a few seconds in shock, and both of my parents just stood there looking at him with their mouths wide open. After he had regained his composure, he got up off the floor and lunged at me. I stood my ground and told him, "Go ahead, hit me! If you do, I'll call the police on you and have you arrested for hitting me, and there's not a damn thing mom and dad can do about it. " He looked over at my dad, and my dad said, "She's right!" Neither my brother nor my mom ever laid a hand on me again. However, my mom has been verbally abusive towards me over the years, but my beloved and wonderful husband has stood up to her for me. I haven't seen my brother for 16 years, and I haven't talked to him for 12 years. He moved away with his wife and daughter and cut me, my husband and our kids out of his life.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

Perhaps they worried that placing you elsewhere
would be worse. With these people, that would
be something to discuss.

That was one of their excuses for not calling CPS or the police. Ironically, my husband and I discussed this tonight on the phone. I told him, "I was already being physically, psychologically, and sexually abused." I said, "The only worse thing I could think of was being murdered if I was placed in foster care." I suffered abuse every single day while I was growing up. If I had been taken away and put back into foster care, then maybe I could have had a chance of having a good life while I was growing up, or maybe I would have been abused somewhere else. I'll never know, but what I do know is my extended family made the choice to leave me in an abusive home.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I love the Beatles, too, along with many other bands. I also really got into the Who, especially their rock operas Tommy and Quadrophenia. I was also a bit of a headbanger.

I loved The Beatles the most, but I liked other rock bands from the 60's too. I really liked The Monkees. I still love listening to Oldies.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

Oh my gosh, where are the people who actually function as adults in that family? What a horrible bunch of people to do that to a tiny child! I am glad that current adoptions scrutinize adoptive parents and hopefully keep this stuff from happening. I am so sorry. If you have any questions to ask them, ask, but those folks do not deserve a second of your time.

Thank you for your kind response, my good friend. I appreciate it.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

It's good to feel what we feel about things. We need to process them in our own ways. But I caution holding on to anger. It's best to find a way to release it (healthily).

I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to let go of the anger I feel towards my parents, my brother, and my extended family. As I told my husband tonight, I'm not to that point yet, and I don't know if I ever will be. I know other adoptees who suffered similar abuse as I did, and they've been in counseling and on antidepressants for years, but they are no closer to healing from the trauma than I am.

 

[The Hammer]

I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to let go of the anger I feel towards my parents, my brother, and my extended family. As I told my husband on the phone tonight, I'm not to that point yet, and I don't know if I ever will be. I know other adoptees who suffered similar abuse as I did, and they've been in counseling and on antidepressants for years, and they are no longer healing from the trauma of their childhood than I am.

One day at a time is all we can do. You know you, and if you aren't at that point yet, don't push yourself. Do what Feels right.

Things have a habit of working themselves out eventually.

 

[Subduction Zone]

My mom hasn't laid a hand on me since I was 18. She truly was scared when I physically confronted my adopted brother after he hit me when I walked by him. He was sitting on the back of the couch when he hit me. I turned around and pushed him off the back of the couch with every ounce of strength I had in me. He hit the floor with a loud thump. He sat on the floor for a few seconds in shock, and both of my parents just stood there looking at him with their mouths wide open. After he had regained his composure, he got up off the floor and lunged at me. I stood my ground and told him, "Go ahead, hit me! If you do, I'll call the police on you and have you arrested for hitting me, and there's not a damn thing mom and dad can do about it. " He looked over at my dad, and my dad said, "She's right!" Neither my brother nor my mom ever laid a hand on me again. However, my mom has been verbally abusive towards me over the years, but my beloved and wonderful husband has stood up to her for me. I haven't seen my brother for 16 years, and I haven't talked to him for 12 years. He moved away with his wife and daughter and cut me, my husband and our kids out of his life.

You have a good man. And I see my prediction came through. And good for you for putting your brother in his place. He probably thought that you were crazy for reacting in that way, but abuse piles up. And that appeared to have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

You could work at a nursing home and "adopt" a new family. Or several. One drawback, when they are there thy often don't have long. But they will appreciate it all the more.

 

[stvdv]

Thank you for your kind response. I appreciate it.

You're most welcome "Beatle girl". You remind me to the time when I listened a lot to the Beatles when young

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

You have a good man. And I see my prediction came through. And good for you for putting your brother in his place. He probably thought that you were crazy for reacting in that way, but abuse piles up. And that appeared to have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

I confronted my brother shortly after I turned 18, and being a legal adult gave me just enough courage to stand up to him. He kept his distance from me for the next few days. My mom and dad stopped talking to me. They wouldn't even acknowledge me being in the same room with them. I moved out of the house around that time, and not long after that, I met my future in-laws at church, which eventually led me to meet my future husband. My husband and I have been together for 30 years and married for 29 years.

You could work at a nursing home and "adopt" a new family. Or several. One drawback, when they are there thy often don't have long. But they will appreciate it all the more.

My husband's family is my family. I'm close to his family, especially to his parents. They've always been there for me. His parents took me under their wing before I met my husband. I'm proud to say that my husband and I are our youngest great-nephew's godparents.

 

[stvdv]

Then if you forgive your family all you will get is more abuse.

You could tell your mother in no uncertain terms that she did abuse you. You could tell your relatives how they enabled your mothers abuse. I don't expect all of your relatives to get help, but if your mother doesn't get professional counseling then you are in for only more hurt. This time it will be various sorts of verbal abuse if you go back to them. If they make a real honest effort to reform I could see considering forgiving them. But if they can't see that beating a child is wrong then I am sad to say that there is no hope.

I agree 100%

I cut off all contact with my father and told him "only if you say sorry (and it better be sincere) and ask me to forgive you, then there can be contact again", after he told me "you should be grateful to me, because you live thanks to me, so I can do to you whatever I want"

I also cut off everyone who was not on my side (defending my father). Finally I start feeling again and feeling free, since I made that firm resolve.

A major lesson I learned from this " I first need to love and respect myself (and the "respect" borders I set) , since that day I started naturally to respect and love others"

Was the most difficult decision in my life, being a super pleaser before, and took many many years to get to where I am now

 

[stvdv]

. I moved out of the house around that time, and not long after that, I met my future in-laws at church, which eventually led me to meet my future husband. My husband and I have been together for 30 years and married for 29

I am so glad to read this positive part of your story

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I agree 100%

I cut off all contact with my father and told him "only if you say sorry (and it better be sincere) and ask me to forgive you, then there can be contact again", after he told me "you should be grateful to me, because you live thanks to me, so I can do to you whatever I want"

I also cut off everyone who was not on my side (defending my father). Finally I start feeling again and feeling free, since I made that firm resolve.

A major lesson I learned from this " I first need to love and respect myself (and the "respect" borders I set) , since that day I started naturally to respect and love others"

Was the most difficult decision in my life, being a super pleaser before, and took many many years to get to where I am now

My mother's attitude towards me was the same as your father's attitude towards you. She told me that I should be thankful that she tolerates me because nobody else does. She liked to play on my fear of being abandoned. When I was a child, she would purposely let me get lost in a store, and then she would hide behind a clothes rack and watch me frantically cry because I couldn't find her. And once, she was seen by an employee. The clerk confronted her and scolded her. She said, "That'll teach her to walk away from me."