Asking for advice with a difficult situation

[stvdv]

But he thinks that accomplishing these things won't help me move forward with my life

I think he got a point there

but I think it will help me emotionally heal if I completely sever these legal ties to my adopted parents

IF you sever all contact with all THEN you gradually heal emotionally IMO. This is a must IMO, changing names can be done, but on its own won't help you. I ended all contact, and that worked for me. No therapy, just ZERO contact with anyone of my family (once I made that firm resolve all the emotions came out, and I just witnessed it, until it stopped...1 year later or so it was reduced to maybe 2%).

I am open to contact with them, but only if they come crawling on the floor to me, begging for forgiveness telling me they were wrong and I was right...and it must be very convincing (once they said they were sorry, then 1 month later they said it was their game, they did not mean it).

BUT I will never go to them, they must come to me begging, without me asking for it

He said he would support me with whatever I decide, but he asked me to take my time and seriously think about before we proceed.

That is wonderful, supporting you whatever you decide

My idea: IF you want to sever even your name THEN I guess you already decided not to talk to your aunt, right?

Question: Does your husband think "zero contact with that family" will help you emotionally heal or does he have another solution in mind?
(I spend 1 year on a forum for people who were abused by narcissists...to heal is only possible with NO contact they claimed; do you think your abusers fall in the category of narcissists?)

Note: You are right, this thread is also useful for me. It strengthens me to continue the way I do, which is still not always easy, but reading your story it seems to me, that I am on the right track now

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

@stvdv, I decided not to reply back to my aunt. I think it would be a bad mistake if I opened communication with her again. I don't want to have any more contact with her, so I blocked her messages on Facebook. I feel like I've done what's right for me, and I don't feel bad about it either. And I'm glad to hear that my thread is helping you. I was hoping that it would help other survivors of abuse.

 

[Bird123]

Trigger warning: before you read any further, I want you to know that I talk about a time when my adopted mother beat me.

I'm seeking advice for a difficult situation that just happened to me. I've shared the story of my abusive childhood before in other threads. I feel like sharing my story could bring comfort to other survivors of abuse. In my story, I shared that I later learned in life that my extended family knew of the abuse I suffered at home at the hands of my adopted mother and adopted brother. They were also aware of the bullying I endured at school. I suffered the abuse for 13 1/2 years, and the bullying occurred throughout my 12 years in school. I was adopted when I was 4 1/2, and the abuse didn't stop until I confronted my abusive brother shortly after I turned 18. The physical conflict between my brother and I and my threat to call the police on him made a lasting impression on our mother.

The upsetting truth is that no one in my family ever tried to rescue me from the abuse I suffered or from the bullying I endured. In essence, they willingly turned a blind eye and left me alone in a living hell that has traumatized me and emotionally scarred me. My aunt (my adopted mother's younger sister) told me about a year and a half ago that she and the rest of our family knew of the abuse.

She told me that the reason why no one called the police or CPS on my mother was because they were afraid I would end up in a worse situation in foster care. She also told me that the reason why she didn't call the police on my mother was because my mother is her sister. As she was explaining all of this to me, I felt like the world was crumbling down around me. I felt very dizzy and sick to my stomach. I have a memory of my grandmother standing at the front door, watching my mother (her daughter) beat the crap out of me in her driveway. My mother had grabbed me by one arm and was violently hitting me with her other arm. My grandmother stood at the door and watched my mother hit me. She just shook her head, and then she moved away from the door and stopped watching.

I cut my adopted parents and my adopted brother completely out of my life over a year and a half ago, but I kept in communication with my extended family for a few months after that. I didn't immediately cut my extended family out of my life after my aunt told me that everyone in our family knew about the abuse but had decided not to intervene and stop it. I talked with my aunt over the phone and through Facebook Messenger, and each time I talked to her, the angrier I became towards her and the rest of my family. She was always trying to justify herself and our family's decision not to stop my mother from abusing me. She told me that she would leave our house crying because of the way my mother was treating me. She even tried to persuade me that God has always loved me and that God could heal me of the pain and trauma that haunts me to this day. I'll admit that that made me even more pi**ed off at her.

In my effort to cut my family out of my life, I removed my relatives from my friendship list on Facebook, and I deleted their phone numbers from my cellphone. I haven't spoken to any of my relatives on the phone or communicated with them on Facebook in several weeks. I hadn't heard from my aunt until today. She sent me a message on Facebook with her same old rhetoric. She tried to assure me that she loves me, misses me, and thinks about me all the time. As I read her message, I couldn't help but think that this is the woman who knew that her sister was abusing me and that she refused to report her sister's abuse of me to the police or CPS.

The purpose of my thread is to ask for advice on whether I should reply to her or not. If I decide to reply, then should I confront her for turning a blind eye and leaving me in an abusive home while I was growing up? For the record, I'm not looking for advice or other remarks that involve the Christian God. Been there, done that. I'm not interested in being preached at, lectured at, or proselytized.

Don't you see? Your aunt is coming to you because she is feeling guilty. She wants forgiveness.

It doesn't matter what everyone else does. It's what you choose to do that counts. Will you forgive or will you hold a grudge forever?

Which is the best choice for all? Unconditional Love always does what is best for the other? What is best? If you ignore and run, how will the problem of your step mother and aunt ever be solved? Who else will be hurt from inaction by them and even you? Further, you will be miserably holding unto your hurt for a lifetime.

I would forgive her. I would also insist that she confront her sister and ask questions about why she abuses her children and how could she do it. If you are smart, you might be able to fix your step mother through your aunt.

Keep the interaction going. Focus on fixing rather than revenge, punishment or payback. When your aunt tells of the interaction with her sister then tells you, keep the questions coming. Keep her interaction with her sister an ongoing thing until the real problem is solved.

The only way to get rid of problems is to Solve them. When the problems are ignored in order to avoid Drama, everyone gets hurt.

Perhaps, it's time to stop avoiding the Drama. Remove the carpet everyone has been sweeping it under and get it all out in the daylight. So many people try so hard to avoid Drama and yet there is more learning around Drama that at any other time.

Personally, I would stop running from my aunt and even my step mother. I would stop being the victim. With Unconditional Love, I would shine the light of Truth in their eyes. In the end, they might be running from me and the Light of Truth,

Looks like there are lessons for all around your situation. Remember to let your hurt go. Go in with only Unconditional Love. Unconditional Love isn't about giving the other what they want. Unconditional Love always does what is Best for the other.

Yes, go in there and Fix them all. Be the Teacher!!! This will Fix you as well!!

That's what I see. It's very clear!!

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

Don't you see? Your aunt is coming to you because she is feeling guilty. She wants forgiveness.

Thank you for your advice, Bird123, but I've decided not to re-establish contact with my aunt. I don't owe her anything, and I'm not willing to sacrifice my own mental wellness for her or for anyone else in my family. I'm not interested in relieving my aunt of her guilt for willfully turning a blind eye to her sister abusing me for 13 1/2 years. My main objective is to take care of myself so that I can take care of my husband and children. There's nothing wrong with that, and I won't let anyone make me feel ashamed or guilty about it.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has participated in my thread. I appreciate it.

 

[Riders]

Trigger warning: before you read any further, I want you to know that I talk about a time when my adopted mother beat me.

I'm seeking advice for a difficult situation that just happened to me. I've shared the story of my abusive childhood before in other threads. I feel like sharing my story could bring comfort to other survivors of abuse. In my story, I shared that I later learned in life that my extended family knew of the abuse I suffered at home at the hands of my adopted mother and adopted brother. They were also aware of the bullying I endured at school. I suffered the abuse for 13 1/2 years, and the bullying occurred throughout my 12 years in school. I was adopted when I was 4 1/2, and the abuse didn't stop until I confronted my abusive brother shortly after I turned 18. The physical conflict between my brother and I and my threat to call the police on him made a lasting impression on our mother.

The upsetting truth is that no one in my family ever tried to rescue me from the abuse I suffered or from the bullying I endured. In essence, they willingly turned a blind eye and left me alone in a living hell that has traumatized me and emotionally scarred me. My aunt (my adopted mother's younger sister) told me about a year and a half ago that she and the rest of our family knew of the abuse.

She told me that the reason why no one called the police or CPS on my mother was because they were afraid I would end up in a worse situation in foster care. She also told me that the reason why she didn't call the police on my mother was because my mother is her sister. As she was explaining all of this to me, I felt like the world was crumbling down around me. I felt very dizzy and sick to my stomach. I have a memory of my grandmother standing at the front door, watching my mother (her daughter) beat the crap out of me in her driveway. My mother had grabbed me by one arm and was violently hitting me with her other arm. My grandmother stood at the door and watched my mother hit me. She just shook her head, and then she moved away from the door and stopped watching.

I cut my adopted parents and my adopted brother completely out of my life over a year and a half ago, but I kept in communication with my extended family for a few months after that. I didn't immediately cut my extended family out of my life after my aunt told me that everyone in our family knew about the abuse but had decided not to intervene and stop it. I talked with my aunt over the phone and through Facebook Messenger, and each time I talked to her, the angrier I became towards her and the rest of my family. She was always trying to justify herself and our family's decision not to stop my mother from abusing me. She told me that she would leave our house crying because of the way my mother was treating me. She even tried to persuade me that God has always loved me and that God could heal me of the pain and trauma that haunts me to this day. I'll admit that that made me even more pi**ed off at her.

In my effort to cut my family out of my life, I removed my relatives from my friendship list on Facebook, and I deleted their phone numbers from my cellphone. I haven't spoken to any of my relatives on the phone or communicated with them on Facebook in several weeks. I hadn't heard from my aunt until today. She sent me a message on Facebook with her same old rhetoric. She tried to assure me that she loves me, misses me, and thinks about me all the time. As I read her message, I couldn't help but think that this is the woman who knew that her sister was abusing me and that she refused to report her sister's abuse of me to the police or CPS.

The purpose of my thread is to ask for advice on whether I should reply to her or not. If I decide to reply, then should I confront her for turning a blind eye and leaving me in an abusive home while I was growing up? For the record, I'm not looking for advice or other remarks that involve the Christian God. Been there, done that. I'm not interested in being preached at, lectured at, or proselytized.

I won't give you personal advice, you know your mother better than I do. As for religion I am not Christian but I never turn down prayer, it's positive energy and as long as they don't use the situation to proselytize, I don't turn down prayer, I see it as positive energy.

 

[Stevicus]

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has participated in my thread. I appreciate it.

I came across this the other day. Thought you might get a kick out of it:

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I came across this the other day. Thought you might get a kick out of it:

Lol.

Thanks for thinking of me.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

Trigger warning: before you read any further, I want you to know that I talk about a time when my adopted mother beat me.

I'm seeking advice for a difficult situation that just happened to me. I've shared the story of my abusive childhood before in other threads. I feel like sharing my story could bring comfort to other survivors of abuse. In my story, I shared that I later learned in life that my extended family knew of the abuse I suffered at home at the hands of my adopted mother and adopted brother. They were also aware of the bullying I endured at school. I suffered the abuse for 13 1/2 years, and the bullying occurred throughout my 12 years in school. I was adopted when I was 4 1/2, and the abuse didn't stop until I confronted my abusive brother shortly after I turned 18. The physical conflict between my brother and I and my threat to call the police on him made a lasting impression on our mother.

The upsetting truth is that no one in my family ever tried to rescue me from the abuse I suffered or from the bullying I endured. In essence, they willingly turned a blind eye and left me alone in a living hell that has traumatized me and emotionally scarred me. My aunt (my adopted mother's younger sister) told me about a year and a half ago that she and the rest of our family knew of the abuse.

She told me that the reason why no one called the police or CPS on my mother was because they were afraid I would end up in a worse situation in foster care. She also told me that the reason why she didn't call the police on my mother was because my mother is her sister. As she was explaining all of this to me, I felt like the world was crumbling down around me. I felt very dizzy and sick to my stomach. I have a memory of my grandmother standing at the front door, watching my mother (her daughter) beat the crap out of me in her driveway. My mother had grabbed me by one arm and was violently hitting me with her other arm. My grandmother stood at the door and watched my mother hit me. She just shook her head, and then she moved away from the door and stopped watching.

I cut my adopted parents and my adopted brother completely out of my life over a year and a half ago, but I kept in communication with my extended family for a few months after that. I didn't immediately cut my extended family out of my life after my aunt told me that everyone in our family knew about the abuse but had decided not to intervene and stop it. I talked with my aunt over the phone and through Facebook Messenger, and each time I talked to her, the angrier I became towards her and the rest of my family. She was always trying to justify herself and our family's decision not to stop my mother from abusing me. She told me that she would leave our house crying because of the way my mother was treating me. She even tried to persuade me that God has always loved me and that God could heal me of the pain and trauma that haunts me to this day. I'll admit that that made me even more pi**ed off at her.

In my effort to cut my family out of my life, I removed my relatives from my friendship list on Facebook, and I deleted their phone numbers from my cellphone. I haven't spoken to any of my relatives on the phone or communicated with them on Facebook in several weeks. I hadn't heard from my aunt until today. She sent me a message on Facebook with her same old rhetoric. She tried to assure me that she loves me, misses me, and thinks about me all the time. As I read her message, I couldn't help but think that this is the woman who knew that her sister was abusing me and that she refused to report her sister's abuse of me to the police or CPS.

The purpose of my thread is to ask for advice on whether I should reply to her or not. If I decide to reply, then should I confront her for turning a blind eye and leaving me in an abusive home while I was growing up? For the record, I'm not looking for advice or other remarks that involve the Christian God. Been there, done that. I'm not interested in being preached at, lectured at, or proselytized.

I'm obviously a little late with this, but I did read through the thread, and thought you sharing so much deserved a response, even if it's a day late and a buck short, so to speak.

Hard as it can be to get a solid sense of perspective with all this, you need to work out what is most helpful for you, and for those closest to you (husband and kids in your case I think). And do that.

Whatever your aunt's intentions, and I'm not willing to assume too much of them, it seems she balanced up your position along with a range of other factors. She didn't prioritise your health, safety and wellbeing. Again, I'm not judging that, as it's simply unfair to based on limited information over the internet, and from a single source.

But it seems pretty clear that you don't owe her anything.

If a reconciliation with her would help you sleep easier, then by all means go for it. You'll never know for sure, but it's a worthwhile risk. But you shouldn't feel any obligation. And my gut reaction would be to leave well enough alone.

 

[Fool]

Trigger warning: before you read any further, I want you to know that I talk about a time when my adopted mother beat me.

I'm seeking advice for a difficult situation that just happened to me. I've shared the story of my abusive childhood before in other threads. I feel like sharing my story could bring comfort to other survivors of abuse. In my story, I shared that I later learned in life that my extended family knew of the abuse I suffered at home at the hands of my adopted mother and adopted brother. They were also aware of the bullying I endured at school. I suffered the abuse for 13 1/2 years, and the bullying occurred throughout my 12 years in school. I was adopted when I was 4 1/2, and the abuse didn't stop until I confronted my abusive brother shortly after I turned 18. The physical conflict between my brother and I and my threat to call the police on him made a lasting impression on our mother.

The upsetting truth is that no one in my family ever tried to rescue me from the abuse I suffered or from the bullying I endured. In essence, they willingly turned a blind eye and left me alone in a living hell that has traumatized me and emotionally scarred me. My aunt (my adopted mother's younger sister) told me about a year and a half ago that she and the rest of our family knew of the abuse.

She told me that the reason why no one called the police or CPS on my mother was because they were afraid I would end up in a worse situation in foster care. She also told me that the reason why she didn't call the police on my mother was because my mother is her sister. As she was explaining all of this to me, I felt like the world was crumbling down around me. I felt very dizzy and sick to my stomach. I have a memory of my grandmother standing at the front door, watching my mother (her daughter) beat the crap out of me in her driveway. My mother had grabbed me by one arm and was violently hitting me with her other arm. My grandmother stood at the door and watched my mother hit me. She just shook her head, and then she moved away from the door and stopped watching.

I cut my adopted parents and my adopted brother completely out of my life over a year and a half ago, but I kept in communication with my extended family for a few months after that. I didn't immediately cut my extended family out of my life after my aunt told me that everyone in our family knew about the abuse but had decided not to intervene and stop it. I talked with my aunt over the phone and through Facebook Messenger, and each time I talked to her, the angrier I became towards her and the rest of my family. She was always trying to justify herself and our family's decision not to stop my mother from abusing me. She told me that she would leave our house crying because of the way my mother was treating me. She even tried to persuade me that God has always loved me and that God could heal me of the pain and trauma that haunts me to this day. I'll admit that that made me even more pi**ed off at her.

In my effort to cut my family out of my life, I removed my relatives from my friendship list on Facebook, and I deleted their phone numbers from my cellphone. I haven't spoken to any of my relatives on the phone or communicated with them on Facebook in several weeks. I hadn't heard from my aunt until today. She sent me a message on Facebook with her same old rhetoric. She tried to assure me that she loves me, misses me, and thinks about me all the time. As I read her message, I couldn't help but think that this is the woman who knew that her sister was abusing me and that she refused to report her sister's abuse of me to the police or CPS.

The purpose of my thread is to ask for advice on whether I should reply to her or not. If I decide to reply, then should I confront her for turning a blind eye and leaving me in an abusive home while I was growing up? For the record, I'm not looking for advice or other remarks that involve the Christian God. Been there, done that. I'm not interested in being preached at, lectured at, or proselytized.

they broke under duress. pretending to be adults when psychologically they were more like youngsters. lords of the flies.

fear makes some people do terrible things actively or through depraved indifference.

love doesn't harm. its amazing that some love their lives so much more than making a difference for someone in need. i had to learn how to let it go and realize who I could and couldn't depend on. for some blood is only thicker than water when it isn't their blood. the weakness only appears when the pressure is applied.

some will not make it out of the great conflagration. others will come out of the fire by trial, baptism by fire and tempered for battle.


but now there are some memories we can't forget. but if you ever can, let them know. you can love them, but they can't be trusted with critical things.